I am now Kenshi of Mortal Kombat. 

And wow, 4 Dragon Quest games announced? Desperate much? What does Nintendo love so much about Dragon Quest!?

MASTADON!

PTERODACTYL!

TRICERATOPS!

SABRETOOTH TIGER!

TYRANNOSAURUS!

Ahem..

So yeah. Thanks for a trailer that gives us… oh what was it, random karate man?

HAH! I recall mentioning some years back about how to make Fire Emblem better was by turning it into a Warriors game… and here it is! And I couldn’t give 2 shits!

I’ve only played and beaten 2 Fire Emblem games and the only characters I’d care about are Ike and Lyn. Fire Emblem sadly only became a success by pandering to otakus, it seems to be the only way to make money in Japan now. That and mobile shit. And knowing Nintendo,  they’ll force some mixture of gameplay from FE into a Warriors environment. But here it might fit.

The whole weapon “Rock Paper scissors” thing that was in DW8 could be translated here to fit the whold “Sword> Axe> Spear” strategy of the series. Course that wouldn’t matter much so long as the player knows when to attack. Cause it’s not turn based so they have a chance to win those fights.

Otherwise, I couldn’t care. After the last Warriors game, im wary of Nintendo’s offerings in this matter.

And one of their last trailers is a montage…. and the only thing good about it is dat sexy jazz tune! Goddamn!

Or to put it bluntly, all the shit Nintendo could care less about. This is beyond terrible. We get no names, we get no dates, we get no satisfaction. And most of the footage is displayed via P.I.P. BS to show off the screen’s oh so unique feature… or conveniently hide all the games Nintendo lacks interest in… in plain sight. And how cheap are these assholes? They use still images for showing off the screen. The hands don’t even move. 

But w/e, I guess Nintendo wants to make a guessing game out of their teasers… so lets indulge them.

Oh look, Dragon Quest.

Hahaha, fo real? Is there any reason to rerelease a game that didn’t sell?

Or did Nintendo become so enthralled with the Murfy assist feature that they wish to promote it’s “creative puzzles“? No one bought this game on 3 separate consoles, no one is buying it on Switch. Ubisoft, what are you doin?

I don’t even know. Looks like Luigi’s Mansion in 2D or some shit.

What… the… fuuuuu…

I’m assuming its a Monster Hunter game… for some reason.

Style screams Koei. Might be Samurai Warriors given the resemblance to Nobunaga. 

Street Fighter 2 HD Remix, because David Sirlin’s massive ego demands it. Or because Capcom is… mildly broke?

OMG BOMBERMAN!!! I thought the whores at Konami killed everything Hudson! 

Oh shit, im more overjoyed than I should be!

It’s probably an indie game 😛

Is this that 1-2 Draw game? That’s literally all you do? What a waste of money, you’re better off playing that quick draw minigame in Kirby Super Star.

Tetris. Yay?

Huh… a different interpretation of black folks, something outside the regular stereotypes perhaps? 

I’m just getting that out before the inevitable “HE’S NOT BLACK” debaters come out of the wood work. Still ironic how they can claim anime characters arewhite half the time… but that’s another issue altogether. 

So…what, is he supposed to be a ninja or something? 

Nope, that’s not F-Zero. Unfortunately

Its FAST Racing League. In the second shot, I could see orbs being collected. Orbs giving you boost power. And I think I saw the car change color in the first shot… or those were shade from the mountain. I would be hysterical otherwise. ..or not. It’s been far too long for me or anyone to get ecxited for a GX sequel. And seeing that Nintendo going full ret… Otaku with F-Zero being more Western ifluenced than they could care, and them putting F-Zero elements in Mario Kart 8, I doubt F-Zero would see the light of  again. And no, it’s not because of poor sales. Otherwise Pikmin would’ve died on the GameCube. Otherwise they wouldn’t promote Dragon Quest so damn much. Otherwise they would’ve buried Fire Emblem a long time ago. 

F-Zero is just too American for them. Only reason we got a new Star Fox was because a Japanese developer wanted to make it, which is some bullshit. 

Dhalsim Fighter!

Hot damn this game looks stupid. And fun! What is the deal!?

I suppose Nintendo fans should get used to 3D Arena fighting games. Without a D-Pad worth one’s nut sack, this is the most you can expect on Switch. Better hope for an Ergheiz sequel (hahaha)

Everything else is either sports or ports of old shit. But like I said, this is a pathetic excuse of a montage Trailer. they don’t even tell you what the games are, they shove them into footage and pass it off like it means shit. 

No Nintendo, this isn’t going to cut it. It’s a lazy trailer. None of the new games you showed gives us anything to speculate. How the fuck do you expect anyone to be interested in your library of games if you don’t fucking show enough of them? Is it a lack of confidence in them selling or a lack of care because most of them are not “surprising” Nintendo brand games, and this is all just an obligatory venture? 

You can’t afford to be apathetic. Orhell, maybe you could, but when developers put games on your console, they’re displaying confidence and trust on your platform to deliver the audience necessary to bring in profits. And considering your choice of video games to design, yea, you kinda need that confidence and trust! Not just from them, but also your customers. The situation with the Wii U ending production is similar to the Sega Saturn, where consumers lost all confidence and trust enough to avoid Dreamcast.

These least you could do is provide names for these titles, because everyone of them goes by so fucking fast that you can’t even focus or zero in on w/e might interest you. And then these fuckjobs put it them on a smaller screen so you can’t even tell what’s going on!

How the hell am I supposed to know what this is at that resolution!?

I know I seem overly critical, maybe these 3rd parties don’t have enough footage for them to show or they couldn’t fit enough in such a small trailer. Would be fair points if not for the fact that some of these games (Mario Odyssy, Xenoblade, old ass Skyrim) already have full fucking trailers, and they STILL SHOW MORE OF THOSE GAMES THAN THE ONES THAT DON’T!!! We know a Mario Kart is coming, that didn’t need to be in the trailer. And even if the devs didn’t have the extra footage to spare, they should have fucking names! There’s no excuse for the omission! 

Ugh… I’m gonna go look for that song now.

(To be continued.)

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