Thanx for the heads up Mack.

March 3rd

By the tits of my ancestors, it’s releasing that early!? I would’ve figured it’d be an end of the month deal. I’m not gonna comment about the price.

Free online for half a year!? What kind of shit is that!? Why do I care!? …Well… It feels like some cheap ploy to get people to buy the console early instead of waiting for a price drop down the line, which seems to imply that Nintendo will become a rat bastard of a company in the years to come, inventing schemes for ensuring initial purchases. Nintendo online has always been shitty and now they want to charge money for it. Damn you HD!!! Even worse, it will cost money (in the future) to use Nintendo’s online service as well as transferring VC purchases over to the Switch. These notorious mother fuckers

Before I move on from the knowledge of Nintendo stretching their influence into EA territory..

Gamepad has a touch screen, a gyroscope and “advanced HD rumble”, each Joycon has their own L and R buttons plus L/R3 (control stick button) and there’ll be a wrist strap peripheral thing you clamp on to round off the top and make the L and R buttons bigger.

Wow, another damn touch screen!? Again, what are the benefits of touch screen controls!? Menu navigation!? Typing in names and shit!? Puzzle games oh of course puzzles that’s Nintendo’s friggin namesake. Why not just bring back the Wiimote, improve that shit, and make some truly awesome games wit it!? Fuck this touchscreen obsession, I swear. 

Oh and they have that retarded “press-in” control sticks like Sony so I can mess those tiny ass sticks up. They always felt like you could break them shits easily, and knowing Nintendo, they’ll design games forcing you to use every single button, so unlike PS3, I can’t avoid pressing these things in. 

And rounding off the shoulders? they wouldn’t need those jock straps if the controllers weren’t of shit design. Prolly made them that way on purpose just to get more money. And obviously the pro controller would be sold separately. 

All this money you gotta piss away just for a few games, hell. I really don’t like the direction Nintendo is heading into. After the amiibo scams, I just knew that Nintendo would turn into a bunch of suits, it always seems to happen when a big company loses big money. They start fucking you in the ass with all these little schemes, look at this shit! You can’t tell me that this whole “6 months of free online” isn’t their little deterrent to waiting for a price drop. And a strap-on bitch attachment that’s announced prior to the launch of the console screams intentional design flaw for more money. I can’t see that any other way…. unless it comes with the console, I’ll keep bitching about it.

All dat fo 300 bucks!?

Getting away from the schemes, there are 3 trailers I wanted to go through and… possibly shit on, you know it.

Huh… Mario’s in the real world! 

About damn time he got out of that gay ass Mushroom Kingdom! Finally, worlds that don’t look like ass again! Finally giving us new worlds that aren’t recycled content…. actually, now that I think about it… it kinda looks like a Sonic game.

Take your pick. Station Square, City Escape, 80’s Boulevard from Zero Gravity, Empire City, y’all can’t tell me this didn’t scream Sega. Damn, it’s like Sega and Nintendo said “lets see what it’s like to be in your shoes!” 

SAMBA DE JANE!! Now they want that Amigo cred.

I’m getting a Planet Wisp vibe, or perhaps one of those cunt levels from Lost Mind.

I can just imagine Malstrom jackin off to white rabbits because “Alice in Wonderland!”. And there are Robot watering pots and sentient flower pots. 

Now that’s the shit I’m talking about! This looks like a Mario game worth playing! Get out of that kiddy ass Mushroom Kingdom and into the real shit! I can’t believe how much better this game looks than all the BS they put out in the last 3 console generations, goddamn. 

And now Mario wants to be Michael Jackson and toss his hat around. That was already lame before we saw that it’s a more quote “surprising” way of doing a double jump… without the double jump. That is shaping up to be some tedious platforming. Super tricky jumps in an area where the penalty is just having to jump back to a “jumping position” and do it all over again. 

Oh the little piece of fabric is alive now cause I needed a reminder that Minish Cap was ever greenlit. 

I can always count on Nintendo for 1 thing. If they ever make a game with interesting content, they’ll poop on your chest with boring or tedious gameplay. Maybe it’s supposition or paranoia, but i’ve seen enough of Nintendo’s bullshit that half the time, it becomes obvious what they will do when the game comes out.

Story looks to be regurgitated ass, and I’m frightened that Peach thinks Bowser throwing a hat at Mario poses any real danger. Can we get the actress from 64 back, please? I can’t stand high pitched bitches…

And the soundtrack is still whimsical nonsense? 

Other than that, it certainly looks better than the last 3 generations of Mario games. Hell, it piqued my interest! But if Sonic Mania has taught me anything, I shouldn’t hold my breath. Speaking of which…

….>_>

This is the most polarizing Zelda trailer i’ve ever watched. On one hand, its a real trailer unlike the BS they were showing before that gives us insight into what the game is about. And it looks cool in some areas.

Dem lovely areas. On the other hand, there’s this.

You put this shit in the trailer? Really? What the fuck is wrong with you people? Who wants to see people crying in a trailer? She’s probably thinking “I dont wanna be in this shitty game, I wannabe in a twilight princess sequel!”
By the balls of Ra, it’s so off-putting. Whatever appeal this game had was eroded with that noise. Idk, maybe its for pervy old Japanese men who get their jollies from teenage girls when they show vulnerability, sick fucks. It was really bad, even when they’re trying to show how bad ass they can be, they fuck that up. Y’all should’ve seen the look on my sister’s face when that shit happened! This trailer shouldn’t feel awkward to watch, convince me this game isn’t a spectacular waste of time and money. Instead it goes all… that on us.

Oh look, they brought these turds back. Does anyone actually like the Goron race? They’re the most boring, uninspired pieces of shit to be conceptualized…. then i’d be giving all the other Zelda races too much credit.

So… the Zora are red now?

The Rito are coming back? If so, praise Amma they made their faces better.

Oh now they bring the Gerudo back! The lack of Nabooru in Hyrule Warriors had me a tad concerned. Now we just need Kokiri…

This art style is dreadful, btw. That comes as no surprise seeing how Skyward Sword was allowed to be praised, but damn, it is horrendous

Look how ssssssshhhhhitty their faces are, they look like freakish glass dolls with big fuckin eyes! And… I am sure this is late in asking… but where is the goddamn tunic!?

This is still Zelda, right? That’s kind of an iconic look you’re ditching, it’s bad enough the characters look like if HR Geagor became an otaku. “Bbbbbut they want to be different, it‘s a completely different game from previous entries!” Even though they bring back the same fickin races from OoT (yes I know the Zora came before) and what with the voice acting that no one should gives a shit about, open world nonsense yadda yadda, ditching all familiar elements just to be different is pushing it. And I have… suspicions of the tunic being DLC. Hell, would you trust Nintendo at this point?

*sigh* it’s a decent trailer… for once, but from what we already know about it, it might as well be false advertising. And a magnet… a fucking magnet

Can you make items with actual combat purposes again and not some contrived bullshit tied down to puzzle solving?  Ofcourse not, that’s all you old people know how to make is some egocentric puzzles to show how clever you all are, you ruined Kirby with your vanity oh im rambling again

OH DEAR LORD THEY’VE RUINED XENOBLADE!

Holy Animu shitshow, what have they done to you!? You know, I honestly enjoyed the original Xenoblade… to some extent, it didn’t look or feel like some otaku ass cheese until Fiona became a robot. It was a looong ass game too. It also didn’t have an art style pandering to the “omg Kawaii” faggots that pervert video games with their dreaded waifu disease! What is that shit the main character is wearing!?

Hahaha, easy access pants so he can get ass fucked without the hassle of pulling down his trousers. And why are his pants so baggy!? Probably some cowboy stunt for when he gets back to The strip club for pedophiles.

The only time people ever put credits in a trailer is to increase appeal, cause if some cocksuckers who just happened to work on some shit that got real popular,  the mere mention of said dyke is bound to attract people. But no one in the west knows who this asshole is and we’re supposed to think he’s awesome!?

I mean fo real!? You think you have all the artistic merit in the world to elevate yourself over this shit!?

How hard is it to replicate this style!? Look at this bitch face, there’s nothing complex about it! The retards on deviantart could do a helluva lot better than this! Dragons Crown, I could see the dick strokes being warranted. The large majority of Castlevania artwork, I could see the dick strokes being warranted. But who in the hell are you trying convince with this Arcana Heart/Haruhi lookin bullshit here!? And you got the main character lookin like someone’s hoe.

And its a huge downgrade from Xenoblade 1’s art. 

Who would be tasteless enough to choose the second shit!? Game is a fuck job right out the gate.

I can’t believe the Mario game looks better than Xenoblade at this point. Hell, even that batshit artstyle in Breath of the Wild looks better than the half baked generic nonsense in Xenoblade 2. 

And how about giving us an actual english trailer? Giving us a Japanese voice track with random fucking lines doesn’t make your shit deep. Or wait until you get your fingers out of your asses and give us some idea of what the game is about, then spout yo random ass lines. Learn to market these fucking games, Nintendo. 

“I love this world because you’re in it”!? Who says shit like that!? A waifu cunt whore who doesn’t have good sense. Fuck, that’s awful writing, even for a game that panders to otakus.

Brb, I am going to stab my eyeballs now. XC2’s art is that bad.

(To be continued)

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