Oh look! A scarf! Surely he is more adventurous… gah, that statement writes itself…

I originally started this post way back in April of last year, but as that month was practically financial turmoil for me, I had abandoned it for priorities. Then I forgot the damn thing existed. 😛 So I figured that now, I could go ahead and finish it and get it out of the way. Better late than never, right?

*sigh* Sometimes I wonder if I’m just getting old, or perhaps videogames are getting worse and worse as the years go by. Or Nintendo enjoys slurping my tears of pain. My sweet, delicious tears
I was ecstatic when it was announced that Hyrule Warriors would be ported to the 3DS, so I’m like “Hell yeah! Let the good times roll!” I was just imagining it. Dynasty Warriors and Zelda, the best sex videogames could ever have. Such a perfect fit too!

Medieval fantasy meets ass blasting fields of dozens of chumps in the blink of an eye!? What could go wrong!? Besides bad sales… >_>

Well… somehow, Nintendo or Koei managed to fuck this up anyway. 

HWL is a mess, and before anyone declares this as a fault of the hardware, I assure you,  this isn’t my beef with the game. Sure its a part of the problem, but the game is at least playable. It just sucks ass!

1 issue I do have with the technical problems  the whole “pop in” nonsense. In the Dynasty Warriors “Gundam”   games, oftentimes,  you are required to enter specific areas that are covered in red. These being enemy held territory. In them, you fuck up every enemy inside to conquer that area. That element returns in HWL.

Nothing wrong with that. Simple right? Well that’s where the whole pop in shit comes in. Not a major problem, but usually in the gundam games, I abuse super moves to clear out the enemy areas real fast, so habitually,  I do the same thing here. But instead of clearing out areas fast, I find mo bitches appearing out of thin air! Because in order for the game to (fail to) run at a decent speed, you can’t have too many assholes on screen at once. So I feel like I’m wasting super moves on just a handful of chumps. Again, not a big deal, but I HATE DAT SHIT! !!

Now onto what really makes my piss boil. Content isn’t so much lacking as it is desperate. The story revolves around Zelda having nightmares of Hyrule getting raped by evil (because its Hyrule). She wakes up the next morning and talks to impa about the great hero who will save the world or some shit. And of course Zelda just looks out the window and BOOM! There he is beating wholesale ass on Hyrule’s army and awww shit, they changed his voice actor again!?

Ok, I find it just a bit odd that Nintendo won’t keep a VA around long enough for more than 2-3 games. Japan doesn’t just up and switch Voices on a whim. Hell, Goku still sounds like a crazy granny after 30 years. Even Sonikku is the same douche from way back in Sonic Adventure 1! Nintendo, however, probably in the spirit of being different,  has this thing about changing Link’s voice after about 2 games (3 if you include Smash Bros). And this new guy is some ass.

Anywho, as soon as she sees Link, the Castle comes under attack. Almost on Que. Then the game spends the first 3 levels on tutorial bullshit, because mashing the Y button and moderately mashing X wont be all you need. In addition to the asswhoopins, you will need to activate bird statues (that bullshit from Majora’s Mask) just so you can warp across long distances, activate fairy fountains for storyline ex-machina, and collect items!?

The items are the only things that’s new in this Warriors and quite frankly, they couldn’t be more useless outside of certain enemies. Bombs can at least blow up rocks to reveal hidden items and the flute can warp you across the map, but every other item seems only useful for Certain bosses. What kind of bosses? Rehashed bastids from the series. Oh don’t get me wrong.  That’s cool. Fighting at least 5 big bads from the series history is cool… until you learn how to kill them. Dodongos require bombs to be tossed into their mouths,  gohma require arrows shot into their eyes, plant… things need boomerang, Aragos needs hookshot, yadda yadda. You gotta wait until said assholes do a certain move before using the items to expose their weaknesses and then you get to fuck em up. Briefly, then they recover and you gotta repeat the process.

 Now, considering that Warriors games typically have you running around a large map completing objectives, and seeing that the majority of objectives are timed in this game, these bosses are a pain in the ass! They take far too long to kill and end up being the reason you could fail certain objectives. I recall the Twilinght Zone with that fffffffffffffffucking Aragon boss! What genius at a table came up with the bright idea to have you run across a map to find some random fairy fountain or w/e just so you can knock down the bastard to keep him from carpet bombing the shit out of your troops… then rush all the way back just to kill him!?

That’s boring and tedious. Having to do the same strategies over and over with a different item involved gets old quickly. Lets be thankful that items aren’t character exclusive.

Speaking of which, the roster of chumps you get to choose from are pretty bad. Half the roster comes directly from OoT. I get it fanboys. You have bad taste. The few assholes we do get from other games range from the reasonable to the retarded. Midna comes in 2 flavors. That gremlin shit with Wolf Link in tow, or that sweet sweet belly dancer ass. Zant is there as well and fuck is he overpowered! Then… for some reason, they put in that dyke Agatha. You know, that random bitch who you give glow bugs to as part of a sidequest. Who the fuck wanted her as a playable character!? Then ofcourse these cunt ass designers put in Skyward bore characters Fi and Ghirahim. One is a robotic irritant, the other is a drag queen.

Then you’ve got the 5 new characters in this version of the game. Skull Kid, cause a bunch of hipster cunts wanna pretend Majora’s Mask was any good. Then you got 3 shitty Wind Waker characters. King of the Red Lions, fuck that fat piece of shit. Could’ve put in Medli oh wait she’s DLC, sons of bitches. Lastly you have Linkle (Linkette would’ve been better, retard ass Nintendo and their retard ass naming conventions, a Kindergartner could’ve put up a better name than these old ass mother fuckers!). Despite being some political bargaining chip for feminist dikes, hell… she’s actually pretty good! And iIRC, she still became the center of controversy… cause the bitch used crossbows!? Am I getting that right!? It’s hilarious that Nintendo gets criticized only by feminists and fags nowadays. And sadly they cave into their demands oh that’s some shit for another time.

You know what I did notice? There’s not a single character from the 2D games! Where’s Din!? Nayru!? Vaati!? Onyx!? Agahim!? Veran!? Marin oh she’s DLC too, sons of bitches. This blatant favoritism towards the 3D titles is beyond irritating at this point. Now that I think about it, where the hell is Nabooru!? 

The actual new characters came out of some batshit anime with the exception of the Wizrobe. Volga is a bad ass that needs to be imported to the main series, but Aonuma is too “surprising” to be cool. And you’ve got twins, Lans and Cia. One is some blue haired cheerful magic bitch you’d find in the latest JRPG, and the other is a big tittied sistah with a raging hard-on for Link. Just damn! Seems like every game, Link is some sort of pimp with a secret admirer vying for the magic rod. Even when his balls haven’t dropped yet!

Lucky bastard

Anywho, the narrative they have for this game is terribly negligible, though a step up from the standard fare of “chosen hero” bullshit that Nintendo jacks off too. The twins are apparently 2 halves of the same person. But the darker half wanted some dick and figured if she can’t get any, she’ll make everyone’s life a living hell. Women, am I rite!? 😛 

Fuckin wit y’all. 

So she makes a deal with Ganon to gain super powers, enslaves Volga and Wizrobe, and influences Zant and Ghirahim to help her out. Course, after she gets her ass kicked, Ganon breaks out of his cell… box, and he tries to take over the world… before getting his ass kicked. The end!

I know it’s asking too much for a game like this to have a better narrative. .. so I didn’t. 😛

The stages are all nicely done renditions of Zelda landmarks, I must admit… and yes, even Skyloft. Not thrilled that most areas on a given map are inaccessible without certain conditions being met or become locked off as you progress through a given mission. And often there’s at least one boss or 2 that makes a stage longer. It’s a lot easier to fail missions in this game than any other warriors title as its never readily apparent what in the fresh hell you’re supposed to be doing half the time.

Take this for instance.

Take a good look at that map. My objective at the very beginning is to rendezvous with the Hylian Captain, which is a  blue circle at the top left corner. Problem is when I get up there, the damn door is locked! The only other paths to take are those one-way paths you see  arrows on the map, meaning they’re off limits too. The last option being another locked door. And everytime I get to either of these doors, I get no prompts signaling that some shit is fucked up. And the amount of time you have to get the captain is sadistically short.

Fine! Run away like a bitch, I don’t give a fuck!

I think you’re supposed to bomb a wall, but eh. It’s just a Nintendo trope of shoehorning tutorials in the middle of the action.

Gameplay wise, it’s kind of a mess. They tried so hard to mesh Zelda gameplay tropes into Dynasty Warriors and it just doesn’t work. If this were just a normal Warriors game, it’d be fine, but shit like the moment I pointed out, and those tediouus fucking bosses, just drags the game down immensely. 

But none of this compares to ultimate form of bullshit that is Adventure Mode!

Oh dear lord, whoever designed this mode needs to be stabbed in the balls with a super heated machete. See here’s the deal. I wanted to unlock belly dancer Midna.

Ain’t she fine!? 

Ahem… the only way to unlock her was to go to Adventure Mode and experience the most tedious adventure of all time! Get this. In order to move across any space you see in the little screen cap up there, you have to obtain a certain ranking from the mission you’re on.

Not only do rankings determine your path, but they also determine what rewards you get. So an A rank could get you a new weapon or a character. Simple, right? Well you don’t know the Japanese. 

Adventure Mode also has this “search” feature where you can use special item cards to uncover hidden secrets… or in this case create another hoop to jump through.

All of these cards can effect different parts of the map, but you’re supposed to guess which card will effect what. Like say a candle can burn a bush or the flute can manipulate butterflies. >_>

You don’t know what part of the map holds a secret (using a compass reveals it though) and whats worse is that you have limited cards. Getting more cards requires that you go through missions and obtain different rankings so long as that mission rewards you with that item. You only get 1 item card per mission so you’ll need to take note of which missions hold which items. Now look back up & check the cap that says “requires search”. That bar displays the rewards you get per ranking, but if you get something like that, then simply doing the mission and achieving the ranking will not get you the reward! Instead, you have to use the search function and guess the item card you need to get that reward. Then you play the mission, get the A rank and the prize. This also goes for different paths to alternate areas.

If any of y’all read this and thought “Nintendo can lick my hairy ass” then congrats,  you’re thinking like a customer rather than a gamer. But since these whores have all but disabled Gameshark, I had to force myself to unlock her the hard way.

So here’s how it went. I grind Impa to hax levels and rape most missions, but as soon as I get on Midna’s trail, I start needing several cards. so I find myself going back to the previous missions over and over just to farm cards, and the closer I get, im hitting areas that have MULTIPLE SECRETS!!! Never has my piss boiled to such a degree! So now I have to pick not only a card that works, but also a card that takes me where I want to go! I get to where  wanna be, I backtrack multiple times just to get the same damn cards, but eventually. .. I get Midna as you can see. And she’s. ..kinda worth it?

This game’s adventure mode is bar none the most retarded fucking mode ever created. It’s far too demanding of the player to get high rankings and item cards just to access new areas and unlock the ability, NOT the actual reward, but the ability to gain rewards! I ask you (asia_catalogue), why do Japanese developers make retarded ass decisions like this!? It’s illogical, tedious, and beyond anyone’s threshold for frustration. Does Nintendo not understand that people don’t like doing work in video games!?

Hyrule Warriors is some shit. This hurts the most to say, as I personally felt that this game could’ve been something truly worth getting a Pii U for. And as a fan of the Warriors games, this is a fucking disgrace. I couldn’t recommend it to anyone, least of all Nintard at work. And I believe its because they were trying to make it feel more like a Zelda game than a Warriors game, like they were paranoid that Zelda fans would hate it simply because its a spinoff and played nothing like Zelda. In doing so, they’ve ruined w/e potential the game could’ve had. That Adventure mode was just a gallon of salt water. Did you really need to shove in bosses that could only  be killed by items? Or tack on items in general? Or have fairy fountains? I doubt anyone looked at Hyrule Warriors and thought “how will they implement all of Zelda’s core gameplay elements into a game about destroying legions of enemies”. It just blows my mind how Nintendo managed to fuck this up. But dumbasses want them to own Sonic.

I gotta admit, Ganon looks like a beast here.