And no. I didn’t bother to finish it. Shit was boring to the max.

I know its been a while, im just going through shit atm. 

The first Bioware game I despise. Where people find the will to praise a shit ass game like this, I will never know. I’m assuming because everyone hated Dragon Age 2 for Amma knows what reason. If that’s the case, the industry is a paragon of bad taste. Origins is wildly shittier than people like to pretend it is. Shit ass combat that’s stuck on auto-fight, painfully judgemental party members, bloated ass padding that’s far more obvious than it should have been, and there’s the masterpiece of suck ass that are the deep roads and the multiple fade dungeons. 

But people kept bitching “omg DA2 is casualized for console players, Bioware sold out!” Do RPG fans actually like bullshit!? I can literally visualize these bastards spreading their asses open so EA could slide Origins right up their asses. They jerk off to that shit so much, and the unrelenting bitch work spawned this unholy tragedy of a game.

I was almost half convinced that Bioware was a competent team, but fuck did they mess this one up.

I don’t even know where to begin, it’s so forgettable. I already brought up the fantastic nonsense of needing an Origins account just to import artificially generated decisions into this game! No actual method of importing your own save files. PS4 I understand as Origins and DA2 arent on it. But I don’t even own one, yet I gotta put up with the same bullshit!? Fuck that noise. Dragon’s Keep is supposed to be a workaround for not owning the first 2 games. But there’s literally no option to import saves. 

But w/e. I started this up to I have a weird green hand and amnesia. Character creation is probably the worst I’ve seen from Bioware.  Aside from a more convenient interface, the options of creating your character is limited to something hideous. It barely matters how you configure the faces, its gonna turn out looking like some 80’s claymation nightmare. The only consolation being that you won’t be as fugly as Sera. 

As I continued through this nightmare,  I had lingering doubts that this would be shit. This wasn’t mitigated by the cock-smashingly long ass load times that make the NeoGeo CD blush. I don’t think 06 had this ass backwards load times. What’s even more fucked is how they have these tarot card hints you could flip for about 7 seconds before it transitions into a black screen to load for at least 3 minutes or so. Shit is unacceptable. As if you needed anymore warning that this game’s pacing is a cracked out slug on acid.

The fuckjob story is that of your character having a mysterious power called an “anchor” that allows you to close green rifts, gateways to the fade, I guess? Because of that, you are literally worshipped as the “Herald of Andraste” whom everyone wants to save the world. Or so I’m told, it just seems like everyone is preoccupied with the Templar-Mage war to notice. This seems to be a “company content trope” of Bioware’s in that the world is in grave peril but the world is too stupid to help out unless you do some favors (ME3, Origins). 

That’s the basic gist of the story, there’s a villain with red rock candy growing out of his ass but he’s as dull and uninteresting as your companions. Cassandra, the chick who demanded a bedtime story from DA2 is now a member though the game doesn’t bother to make me care, which is unfortunate as she’s the only good character in the game. Varric is back, unfortunately. Solas, this Arnold Vaslu lookin mother fucker who I assume is a traitor later on. Sera, the afformentioned ancestor to the Hunchback of Notre Dame. Vivienne, proof positive that Bioware is out to vilify black people. Dorian, a faggot who talks about fucking Iron Bull during regular play, pandering to the LBGT cunts. Blackwall who seems to play as King Triton from The Little Mermaid. I’m sure there are more useless assholes to recruit, but eh.
So I start this bitch off with a character that moves at the pace of a disabled turtle. Suddenly I have the ability to jump! Whether there was a reason for this ability to be included, I’ll never know, cause it’s damned pointless. Yo character can’t even clear a small fence half the time. Movement in the first 2 games was actually damned fast. You felt like an athlete. This new asshole you play Is totally out of shape. Im surprised & grateful there’s no stamina bullshit to look out for. But if you thought he couldn’t get any slower, wait till you engage enemies. They start fucking walking! 

Combat couldn’t get shittier than this. All the bile these fanboys spit on DA2’s combat because it’s uh… not boring, and they turn around and give a pass to the disgraceful bullshit on here. See, DA2 went away from it’s auto-fight bullshit to a more action-RPG aproach similar to what you’d find in the Last Story. Here, Bioware tried to combine elements of the both games, raping w/e joy one could have with the game. Here’s the crap. Regular attacks like merely swinging your sword… is done by holding down R2. Yep! Whacking opponents with your main weapon is just holding down a button. Does that sound fun to you!? Course not, obviously because its fucking retarded, and all to make room for that worthless ass jump function.

Skills are activated via the face buttons, but the way they work is also borked. See, the MP system recharges mana automatically, no longer relying on Mana potions to refill your MP bar. Its more of a curse than a blessing if you’re the kind of person who stocks up on fluids regularly. The mana recharge rate is slow as fuck, reducing battles to some outdated RTB shit from Chrono Trigger. But here’s a question. If you’re gonna make mana a self-recharging element,  why maintain cooldowns for regular skills? It would’ve made more sense to have the Mana itself act as the cooldown, having something similar to Mass Effect’s power, but nope! You got both the slow ass mana recharge and the long ass cooldown rates of skills. Thanx, the combat is reduced to a fucking waiting game! Thanx also for making the fun of playing a mage non-existent. 

Speaking of which, the general rule of playing any magic character is to hang back and let the brutes do all the fighting, but can Bioware not make shitty AI for once!? If I have to throw up a barrier everytime for the negligence of my crew, something is wrong with them. It appears that everytime I get into a fight, someone gets raped in less than 2 seconds. And oh fuck, Bioware removed healing spells completely, reducing my capacity to keep them alive. These greedy bastards will burn through all but 2 potions for what they believe to be some gesture of consideration. All because they won’t stop being shit in a throwdown. 

And… What’s this tactical view shit used for again? This oh so intricate new feature that was shoved into the game if not only to bluff about how deep the combat is, and I use it when I need to pee. It serves no purpose in making a fight any easier. It does nothing.

The combat in this game is rigid and outdated, plagued by shit AI and shit RTB masturbation design. Whoever thought it was a good idea for direct attacks to be activated via holding a shoulder button is a dick. Oh it’s not like I wanted to feel like I was in control of my actions. It’s such an unnatural feeling control scheme, I swear. You know what else is unnatural?  Spending 6 whole minutes fighting a bear. Damage scaling, much? Is there any reason fighting wildlife takes longer than regular chumps in some demon cave? Bag of hitpoints my ass. Battles are slow enough without this BS.

Moving away from combat, there’s the fad-zombie known as the “open-world”. Shit that no one actually enjoys but because GTA had it, developers got the impression that it’s more awesome than it really is. Because then developers just find horses ass excuses to make you traverse long distances and validate all the time they wasted designing these big ass areas. And holy shit did Bioware fall into that trap. The grand majority of “missions” are my oh so favorite fetch quests where you are required to scour the land looking for people, places or things of very little importance. And yes, with how slow your character moves, it is a goddamn slog. 

2 features were put in to mitigate the tedium. The horse is supposed to make traveling faster, but thanx to shit mechanics and controls, that doesn’t work. Oh look! A fucking pebble! I must slow down before I hit it! Stupid Epona masturbation barely moves faster than you anyway. The other is a quick jump feature… but you have to manually place quick jump “poles” in certain areas or set up camps first before you can take advantage of the feature. Plus, using quick jump means dealing with those retarded ass load times. So these features are the equivalent of using bubble gum as a stitch.

Quests and the like are merely optional,  right? The fanboys are deluded enough to believe that nonsense, but Bioware decided that taking a dump on the player was a good idea. In order to actually gain access to new areas and progress the shit story, you need a certain amount of “power”. Its not explained what this “power” is or why it’s necessary to progress, but in the end, it’s how Bioware intends to pad out the length of the game… which already has shit pacing as it is! You gain power by doing quests, so that “but eets optional” claim lacks merit. Nevermind knowing specifically which quests gives you power or just some influence or regular old experience points, the fact that you have to complete quests to farm out story progression currency is unacceptable. 

Bioware could make a game longer by compelling you to do quests because they were fucking interesting. Not because you have to meet some artificial quota set up  by the devs to artificially extend game time. This is diplorable and Bioware should know better! It’s what made me stop playing midway through. You don’t pad out games like this. It’s not compelling at all. That and the constant crashing started wearing my nerves. It’s a technical mess, that’s for sure.

I have no idea what made DA2 soooo bad that people would jest that Inquisition is it’s better. DA2 has more compelling quests, far more entertaining characters, a decent combat system, hella better pacing, and a damn good narrative. That shit with zombie mom was tits. The only thing wrong with the game are the reusing of the same areas for each quest, but this game is honestly the best one in the series. Inquisition is nothing but an exercise in torture. Not only is it the absolute worst game in the whole series, but it’s perhaps Bioware’s worst game overall. There’s no excuse for all the bullshit this game has, it’s a fucking mess. And that shit with Dragon Age Keep is insulting. 

Ugh… maybe I should get that new Kirby…

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