Does he lookcuteto you?

Before that, sum TRUUF!

Ive been looking at some renders by this dude Nibroc… nibroc, really? All things considered, he does some pretty decent renders.


Eh… its ok

Everything except Ray

Oh well that’s neat! Kinda figured Sonic R already had the appropriate design but hey, it… 

You know, I just thought about something. The Retro Sonic design that was made for Sonic Generation…. is terrible. I abhor the little fuck.

Yeah that little shhhhhit. Everything about it is wrong. Fundamentally, conceptually, practically, all other kinds of wrong. For those who’ve played Sonic Generation,  you already know how much of a steaming pile his essence is. Pardon me if I read to much into this, my sanity is all fucked up.

The Sonic franchise is nearing it’s 30th year in existence. It’s got at least 4… shit, 3 more years to go. I admit, with Sega’s track record, I’m shocked they kept it on life support this long for what little good that did… 30 years is pretty damn long for what seems like a short lifespan. If it’s one thong to know about long stretches of time, its that newer generations of people often generate their own ideas of how shit should be.

When you talked about Sonic in 90s, you’d be referring to something that had “attitude”. How edgy he was compared to Mario. How rad Knuckles was when he knocked Sonic on his ass (ok, no one used “radical” back in my day). And how sexy Sally was (Tru story).  Back then, Sonic was beloved for it’s edginess in the face of tradition. Where action platformers were all cute and friendly.

These days when you talk about Sonic, you’re referring to a character you’d love to guest star on MLP. How it’s a cartoony franchise that shouldnt be edgy. How only through Mario can the franchise be saved. How Rouge is a complete slut. Oh how the times have changed!

Retro Sonic is Classic Sonic framed through the lens of the current generation, not those who came before. Tis to be expected, the fathers of the blue blur have all moved on, and the brand is left in the hands of assholes that admit to making a cartoon just to sell toys. When you look at its role in Sonic Generation, you can tell it’s a fanservice game directed to the pansies of the fandom. Its characterization is all fucked. It starts with him being mute, probably catering the fact that before (93), Sonic had no such voice actor in the games. Course I’d have to ponder the excuse for retro Tails, being mute where as oh idk every other son of a bitch can utter a complete sentence renders retro Sonic an empty shell, devoid of personality and charisma. Visual behavior be damned. Actually he doesn’t do much in the way of expressing personality through visual ques either. The most we get out of him is an easily excitable brat who just picks fights with robots. The vomit-inducing pain arrives as we see retro Sonic become enamored with retard Sonic as he performs a homing attack, a mechanic that was invented as the 3D necessitates. Did you fuck me with a neuralizer, mon!? I don’t recall Sonic being enamoured with anything or anyone… except bitches

Retro Sonic is thus reduced to an infantile state. Usually these traits are akin to a piddly side character whose role was to fill the cute and comical pet/sidekick to the main character. The only time see otherwise is via kicking Metal Sonic. Otherwise you could replace him with Kirby and you wouldn’t even notice.

Refer to the link of truuf above. Ignoring the wrong interpretation of “cuteness” (shows how far the fandom has fallen), one thing CD gets right as he says in displaying Sonic’s attitude. 

He’s a cocky shit through and through. Still has enough time to fight fo his hoe, save the crazy bitch, and whoop Robotnik’s ass all at once. And yeah, Classic Sonic threw a fucking rock and blew his fat ass up! Modern Sonic ain’t shit compared to that awesomeness! Retro Sonic is a shitshow that spits on the very name of Classic Sonic. He doesn’t even have the attitude, he’s just a little fucking kid!

He looks constipated more than anything…

Its as though we were witnessing Sega’s sick desire to passively piss over Sonic’s golden era. Its not unheard of for Japanese developers to subtly insult things in their works. Aonuma has become infamous for his failure timeline including all of the good Zelda titles he openly despises… nah, that would require the capacity to be clever and discreet, qualities Sega lacks. I’ll just leave at “shitty modern interpretation of the golden era.

Retro Sonic’s own levels suffered as well. The levels overall were piss easy, slower paced, and generally less amazing to play through. Its as though the Retard Sonic levels were treated as the rewards for treading through boring and sluggish levels that were clearly designed for babies. You get the damdest feeling the game is asking “Awww isnt that cute!? The truck from City Escape is making cameos!

It’s reappearance in Project 2017 bothers me so much. Its not enough that it’s presence in this game makes about as much sense as Nintendo hijacking planes, but it feels as though Sega wishes to establish Retro Sonic as the real Classic. This abomination of interpretation would become the dominant canon, and thus future generations would look to this creature and ponder “what made Sonic so cool in the first place? He was no different than any other platforming mascot” I don’t know how or why we’ve gotten to this point where people (seemingly) wish to prove the lacking value of the Classic era. But this embodiment of all that is wrong with the current fandom would destroy the perceptions of the golden era, generating a confused populace who knows not the edginess we would speak of.

Ofcourse many within the fandom would (contemptuously) infer that this was all a marketing ploy by Americans just to make Sonic appealing and must not be mistaken as canon. But on the contrary, but if not for such a “marketing ploy”, a loaded statement as is, ye precious SA2 would not have been so easily accepted! People would have accused the game of going away from the roots of cuteness just to appeal to teenagers. That the hard rock and hip hop soundtrack would be out of place. That Shadow was “too dark” of a character to begin with. 

Supposition!? Perhaps, but let me put it this way. Fans were willing to overlook Shadow the Hedgehog if Sonic 06 kicked ass. If Sonic was simply cute shit, no one would ever look back after that game. Period. Sega now feels pressured to canonize Sonic’s love of chili dogs, An American Tail no less! If Sonic were not edgy back then, hell, he would never be an icon. He’d have no chance against Mario without edge.

Retro Sonic speaks ill of the CS’s achievements, diminishing the value of the golden age to that of a mere dillusion fabricated by older fans to compensate for what the series lacked. I had hoped that, for all I enjoyed from Generation, Sega would bury Krystal’s moldy cooch into the same hole that Ristar rests in. But alas, this shit for that one trailer occurs!

TLDR; its like casting a light skinned girl as Harriet Tubman. Ohhhh….

Well with that, I say have a sage New Years.