​I’d also be interested in hearing your thoughts on Breath of the Wild… dunno how much you’ve heard about it from the Nintards at work, but I don’t think you’ve written about it since the initial Zelda U reveal trailer and a lot of new stuff has come out since then.

Damn, I forgot all about this game! Well, that should tell you the level of enthusiasm I have for it. 😛 The guys at work haven’t even talked about this game, i’ve heard more about Hyrule Warriors Legends from them (which im dissappointed in). To me, that doesn’t bode well. If the psychos don’t care… y’all probably already how I feel about this game. I tuned it out when the first trailer dropped, as long as Aonuma is at the helm, it just won’t be good. He’s the biggest hackjob at Nintendo and it’s fubar that he still has a job there! And hell, by the looks of it, I wasn’t missing much.

Each of these trailers fail to make game look even remotely interesting. A lot of them just show Link running around empty fields doing random shit (Oh look, he can climb trees now!) while some soothing japanese melody plays. Who the fuck is this being marketed towards!? Nintendo is so self absorbed that they think Zelda is such hot shit that they think a slow paced trailer of watching Link run around giant, empty, shitty looking worlds while listening to some spa treatment music makes the game “deep“. Its the most pretentious trailer you could make. Zelda doesn’t have that kind of cred to be marketing shit like this.

I was already turned off by the reuse of the toon style. Aonuma clearly doesn’t care that people hate this shit and wants it gone, but he’s a stubborn bastard. The fact that Link is wearing what appears to be adult versions of his Wind Waker pajamas makes my piss boil. 

Going back to an overworld style like the first game is… actually refreshing. I’d have to imagine that people were getting sick of Aonuma style and even Nintendo was like “dis shit ain’t working”. So yeah, this is a damn good change. But… that’s where all the good ends, unfortunately. 

There are 2 mechanics that even my fangirl sister is pissed about. The return of stamina has turned her off completely. And the introduction of weapon durability has her livid. These 2 mechanics are present In a title called Dead Rising Riptide. And believe me, they hold the game back. Stamina,  we both disapprove of as it limits what we can do in any game, Skyward Sword most of all with its bullshit “cant climb for long” gameplay. Its an unnecessary handicap and reeks of fake difficulty. 

Weapon durability is more my issue than hers. I don’t enjoy being forced to constantly look for more weapons or avoiding direct combat to conserve supplies. I have to worry about whether or not my next string of attacks will shatter my weapon, I instinctively avoid confrontation. Which frankly scares the hell out of me. Zelda games have been increasing its hesitancy toward combat, and now there is a potential system that rewards you for avoiding it altogether. Conserving supplies for the real bosses. Save that tedious bullshit for Monster Hunter. Speaking of combat, is it possible for it to stop being shit in 3D Zelda games!? Look how slow he swings his weapons in the trailers! Why is it that after 20 years since OoT is combat still unengaging? Hell, I didn’t need weapon durability to avoid combat, I’d fall the fuck asleep just wailing at enemies!

Now, what I want to know is why the Japanese seem obsessed with making you cook in all of their games now. You see it in Dragon’s Crown, Tales of Series, Pokemon with its berries and poffins, Monster Hunter, and now fucking Zelda. You gotta forage for berries and I guess some demon meat to mix all that shit up and keep it on hand, because hearts are gone and you have to heal via what you find in the environment. I don’t have an issue with cooking persay, but what is the appeal? I don’t ever see people go on about “I love being able to make delectable treats that I can’t eat or even taste!” I couldn’t sell people on cooking features in a game, especially if w/e bonuses it provide requires it. I can hear that nintard say “some people like it”. I say he’s full of shit.

And then there’s the story. Granted there’s little to nothing known about aside from the pseudo “mysterious” trailer provided, again because its Aonuma, I already have doubts about its ability to compel. On hand, I can count only 3 Zelda games that had anything resembling a compelling narrative. Twilight Princess if only because of Midna. To some extent OoT mainly due to seeing how the future gets screwed over, but nothing compares to Link’s Awakening. That game’s shits every other title in the series.

Take this. You end up on this out of nowhere island where Marin gives you a place to stay. You meet many weird ass folks on the island but most of which aren’t bad people. Your mission is to wake the Wind Fish to destroy the nightmare or something. At some point, you find Marin on a beach talking about her dreams of singing her songs to the world. Obvious girlfriend is obvious. Yeah, these 2 are obviously getting together by the end.

But then… something happens. Halfway through the game, you find out that the island you’re on is actually an illusion. A dream created by the Wind Fish, and all it’s inhabitants included. Meaning Marin will die if you save the world. That messed me up! I was like “No, can’t do that!”

But… I did it anyway. I beat the nightmare, used the instruments and awoken the Wind Fish, and different scenes of the island start fading away. Richard and his frogs, the old lady and hrmer chain chomp pet, the witch, and lastly Marin whosingsonelasttime

I admit. Manly tears were pouring! *sigh* I was 11, but damn that was amazing! That shit sold me on Zelda! But since then, we’ve gotten NOTHING that comes close to comparing to it’s awesomeness. Every game Aonuma has been a part of has done nothing but rehash the story of LTTP. You’re always some precoutious little asshole that’s been chosen by the gods to do their jobs for them and kick Ganon’s ass. You are always connected to Zelda via the Triforce and thus it is your destiny to fight evil. What ensues is a game trying too hard to be either deep or Disney. 

Link’s Awakening,  however, was a very simple game with an equally simple yet very effective plot that ends with something emotional and satisfying rather than cliche, safe and easy. Instead of destiny dictating your path, you get trapped on an island and people figure “Hey, you look like you could whoop some ass! Please help us!” Its a Nintendo tradition to rehash shit, but goddamn, even the original ideas of today came out of a horse’s ass. Trains!? Cave drawings!? 

Actually, Triforce Heroes seemed like a cool idea, but it required internet, solidifying the notion that Nintendo has joined the dark side of gaming via making assumptions of their audience. But thats a different topic.

Despite all of this, what I think is actually hilarious rather than damning is that… Nintendo is finally letting go of their “we want to be unique!” Teenage phase and are copying off everyone else… and the game still looks boring. We’ve seen this style of gameplay in tons of other games,  most notably Monster Hunter, that it almost comes off as desperate. Nintendo is late to the party, slapping Zelda’s on a survival game isn’t changing that perception. 

For what it’s worth, Nintendo is at least trying to move away from their safehouse formulas (what with Pokemon having a giant squid as a final, which is beyond fucking retarded). The problem is they’re taking all the wrong steps and using all the worst ideas. Hyrule Warriors. .. to me was a step in the right direction,  but that’s my Dynasty Warriors fanboyism talking, and the game was pretty shitty so… blah. But a survival game is usually slow, boring, and tedious. All things considered, I dont expect this game to be a favorite amongst any fan. 

Or hell, maybe it will! People’s standards for games are apocalypticly low that something as boring and depressing looking as this game will win a million rewards because its Zelda.

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