I cant believe I found a copy either. This shit dropped couple weeks back and I couldn’t find it anywhere.  It was nearly impossible. But somehow, a fucking KMart had it. Or a Target,  I cant even remember,  they’re both red… stores.

I despise with impunity… the phrase “I wanted to like this game”. Firstly because its a stupid ass phrase that makes no syntactical sense, how do you “want” to like anything? It sounds like yah stupid ass is trying to force yourself to like something. You either like it or you dont. Say you had high expectations or some shit. Least it would make some fucking sense!

*sigh* Sorry. I know everyone hates profanity or some shit. Im frustrated,  had to let off some steam, that kind of shit. Shiiit

Gunvolt collection, I’m going through the first game, hell FLYING through the first game its so piss easy. I’m at the final boss, fuck the final boss, fuck his cheap 1-hit kill bullshit moves, fuck his “Nintendo Intricacy” bullshit method of having to whoop his cheap ass… he ain‘t even hard, he’s tedious as fuck!

*deep breath*

Ok, to explain, for those who already played Gunvolt 1, you probably already know what I’m spittin, but for those who dont, Inti-Crates made a game where the main gameplay mechanic practically begs to be abused. The main character Gunvolt (who everyone calls GV as if Gunvolt is too hard or too long to pronounce,  fucking retards) has this thing called EP (electric points?) which would enable him to take no damage whatsoever. If he has like even 10% EP, he can take hits without fail. 

Thats some abusable shit, right? Well the trick to that is the Flash Field, a giant domain of electricity that doubles as a barrier and an offensive attack. But if you use FF and get hit, you take damage. Going further, you have a regular gun that does pussy damage, but is really there to “tag”enemies. Any chumps you tag, turn on FF and you shoot lightening bolts, man! Thats some cool shit, I figured I could dig it. Ain’t no Mega Man but shit, I’ll take anything. 
Of course the tagging bullshit would be used for puzzles and shit, but that’s the least of my complaints. Its about the bosses, or at least 3 of them. Remember that EP allows you to take no damage,  right? Well the ripe geniuses at Inti Crates thought that since EP could be abused, they would give some of these limey fucks 1-hit kill moves or moves that simply leave no margin for error if you make the wrong moves. For instance, that twin bitch in the zombie place has a move that freezes you in place where they can hit you, you take massive damage and could possibly die. I didnt figure out that she was apparently medusa and you had to look away fast because some butterfly heifer (lumene I think?) sung my ass to life and was overpowered to the point of absurdity.But w/e. 

Then you got Stratos’ bitch ass move where if you dont destroy his claws fast enough, they will crush you. I dont know why it was harder to tag the claws than stratos himself, but w/e. After about 3 times of trying to figure out what the hell I was doin wrong (I was trying to fry Stratos himself hoping to interrupt his bullshit, like a Dumbass), I beat him and move on to the final 4 levels, and then this final boss bullshit.

So first part has you fighting “Nova” (how original) who has a magical fairy helping him set up a barrier and what ensues is the most tedious shit in this game. You have to constantly shock the bitch with FF, quickly tag Nova, then fry his ass over and over, these cunts are flying around throwing fireballs I dont give a shit about, then I crush him. Then he morphs into some gay Sepharoth lookin fuck of a final boss, its obligatory for final bosses to look like oversized… fucked up angels these days in Japan so why the fuck not!?

So its more of this barrier shit, you gotta tagshock these 2 robots on the side, and then tag his chest piece and quickly shock it before the barrier comes back, just more tedious bullshit like before. I tried this bitch 4 times cause the 1st 3 times I kept falling off the goddamn cliffs trying to dodge these big ass green fireballs that randomly fall at certain locations. The 4th time was the real kicker. 

So I get his health pretty low. Angel fuckery Nova does his Super Bullshit comet, and now I’m on a goddamn time limit! I have to kill this asshole while knowing I have to avoid his other attacks and disable a force field. I was this close to killing him! He had nothing left to stop me, but those fucking fireballs! I dodge one that appears in the center, but I didnt want to jump cause that comet was real close. Fireball splits into 4 fuckballs and knocks me onto the edge of the ring. I didn’t fall off, but instinctively I jumped… into the goddamn comet… and Im dead! FUCKING DEAD!!!

I’ve never screamed so much, I thought my throat was going to bleed! You know what the best is!? You die in part 2 of this cunt? You start at the beginning of part 1. How archaic is this shit!? I had to redo that tedious fuck of a boss just to get to another tedious fuck of a boss. Thats 8 tedious fucks too many!!

You know… if your main gameplay mechanic is that abusable that you have to resort to artificial difficulty on multiple occasions… then you have a fucking problem! Cause now its tedious and frustrating!!! The fuck am I supposed to think of this game with all its bullshit now? Sorry… its not the whole game that reeks of bullshit, its these stupid ass boss fights with cheap 1-hit kill moves back to back

The EP-Tag-FF gameplay in itself is also boring. If I have a fucking gun, I dont intend on doin some laser-tag bullshit, I Want Things To Die. It really slows down the pacing of the game when I have to shoot some assholes, get some distance or hide, and then electrocuted them from a safe distance, see that’s the problem with this game and most other indie games like this (if this is an indie game, I dont know). Everyone is trying to be Nintendo and make a whole bunch of intricate nonsense gameplay because Indies have some sort of mental disorder that says “unique gameplay mechanics make a great game”, it doesnt! If it lends itself to bullshit like these asinine boss fights, then no, just no!
Intricate gameplay is completely unnatural. The combat in Gunvolt is slow and boring, easy as shit with boss fights that are cheap just so w/e fanboys this game probably has can say “hey, this game is challenging u just suck” get the fuck outta here. I wanted a decent Mega Man fix, instead I got a Nintard docking his dick into a cartridge and calling it ZX3.

*chuckles* Im not… trying to say this game is terrible. Its not good, but I’ve played worse. Im just tired of looking at games that seem kick ass just to find some nonsense in it that makes it unfun, like that Dragon’s Crown, I dont think I could ever play it again, I’d blow my fucking brains out. I expected Gunvolt to be more natural. Guy with a baddass gun running and gunning. This laser-tag mechanic is just dumb.

I do hope Gunvolt 2 is better, though. I’d hate to have paid $30 for a collection that ultimately sucks.

Edit: Oh Amma, I actually fucking beat it! Yeah!

*Ending*

Wait, so now it wants me to go back to previous levels and do fetch quest work, then fight the final bitch all over again to get the true ending!?

Hahahahahahahahahaha fuck you game. Do people know what replay value is anymore? 

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