Capeshit (Civil War)

Maybe for 1 post, something a tad different. Seeing as I’ve not kept up with gaming news in the last 2 years. I think I’ve earned it.Brace yourselves for extreme nerdiness.

 

So… I envy the DC fans. I saw the Justice League trailer and I’m just oozing with buyers remorse. Mainly because of the Flash. Look at this guy’s costume. Does he not look awesome!? Hell, they ALL look awesome. Authentic to the source material. Enjoy your legit looking Flash, Fanboys! Our Quicksilver had nothing but a sports bra and tennis shoes! Our Scarlet Witch is a goth kid who’s just a few ounces more attractive than the shit stain from X-Men Evolution. Our Hawkeye wears casual clothing during a battle against an army of robots!

 

*sigh* You just get the sense that Warner Bros. cares more about the source material whereas Disney (obviously) rips these characters apart, exclusively to sell toys. Granted, I saw it coming, but they tried to convince me that they cared. The first 3 movies they got their hands on (Thor, Captain America, Avengers) all gave me false hope that perhaps… Disney was more than a toy company.

 

Then… the Mandarin happened. Then Guardians of the Galaxy. And then the complete ass rape of Ultron. And finally… Civil War. The “Fury Road” of Marvel where it’s not all that good, but tough luck explaining why without being ripped to shreds. When one looks at all Marvel movies, one would get the feeling that these films are comedies. Every 2 minutes, we have to endure bad quips because no one would buy Iron Man toys if people knew deep down that he’s a sociopathic lunatic.

 

On the other hand, you have DC movies that go into the extreme “darkness forever!” slope. Because damn if we want Superman movies to be happy. You ever seen Flashpoint? So far it’s the most deranged DC movie ever made. You got Batman shooting Zoom (or w/e the fuck his name is) through the skull (and of course they show the insides), throwing Harley Quinn off a building, Wonder Woman strangling people with her lasso of truth, decapitating people, murdering children, Black Manta burning through Deathstroke’s body, Aquaman dismantling Cyborg exposing his heaUUUGHHH!!!

 

DA FUK’S RONG WIT U, DC!? I don’t wanna see that nasty ass shit!!! FUCK!!! I literally felt nauseous after that scene. It just comes out of nowhere and if that didn’t get you fucked up, here’s a CLOSE UP of Victor’s pulsating clump of meat!!! I can only assume Aquabitch was stabbing him with his fork, which probably woulda been worse if it happened on-screen. But by the balls of Ra, can you imagine what was going through DC’s mind when making that incredibly obvious and yet still unnerving shockbait?

 

“Hey you sweaty Teen Titans fan! You love CyborgHERE’S HIS HEART!!!”

“Nuuu!!! Can’t…claw eyes…fast enough”

“We’re DC, and you are now traumatized!!” *Winksmilethumbsup*

 

Also, Fuck Aquaman. Kinda easy to see why MKvsDC actually happened.

 

Despite how wretchedly disturbing that movie is… it’s something that can be admired. It shows just how deadly all of these characters are and can be given the right circumstances. And this is all despite the supurb lack of character development. I’m not a fan of DC’s “must be dark and edgy at ALL times” approach to everything they do nowadays (it almost makes “Teen Titans Go” a necessary evil), and I get the impression that they’re ashamed of having a long history of comics that took after the Super Friends level of cornyness that everything they do has to be super serious.

 

But hey, at least someone’s taking their comic movies seriously. With Marvel movies, they’ve gone to the other extreme. It has to be funny and light on tension all the time because the kids are watching!!! So let’s do that along with an astonishing number of shoehorned “set ups” at the expense of the source material, actual character development, logical plot structure, THE VILLAINS, or having a satisfying movie without needing to wait 3 years for a sequel when they’re done asskissing the ones you don’t care about… just to get another infomercial that’s 2 hours long.

 

That brings me to Civil War. Now, I like the movie for it’s action as well as doing Black Panther justice (considering how racist Disney is, that’s quite a feat), not to mention having Giant Man. But see… that’s the problem with this movie. Everyone has criticized this. It’s called “Captain America” but it’s like the Transformers where the title character gets pushed out of the spotlight and becomes the C-Story in his own fucking movie. The whole “it’s more of an Avengers movie” became the redundant buzz phrase of 2016 movie reviews, and for good reason. Cap barely gets any story beyond “protect Bucky despite having no evidence to prove his innocence”.

 

*sigh* Is it ironic to not like America, but be a fanboy of Captain America? Idk, there’s something appealing about how a propoganda tool rebels against his own concept. The man out of time, how a character that was built around the foundations that made Superman a bag of moldy cheese… actually maintains those 1940s qualities in the modern Marvel Universe where everyone has a dark side or a huge emotional problem that causes them to use questionable methods to achieve their goals, or just go apeshit and kill people. Cap remains himself and commands respect from the likes of Wolverine and Spiderman.

Sure his Rogues gallery is shit outside of Redskull or the Serpent Society, but hell, even if it was good, fat chance of knowing that with any of these movies.

 

Now… I loved the first 2 CA movies. First Avenger, to me, was perfect… at least compared to all the movies that came before it. It was the only movie that focused squarely on Captain America (Origin Story, I know) and it wasn’t an infomercial even though the movie pretended you didn’t care about him and only wanted the Avengers. Winter Soldier is… well, it’s not bad (Hell, its fantastic), but it’s far less interesting than First Avenger. It feels like watching a less boring Bourne movie if I’m being honest. Falcon had a jetpack with shitty wings, and Black Widow is just as worthless as ever. Honestly, I kinda wanted to see Cap struggle adapting to the modern world. But fuck all that, just write that shit down in a diary, store in Box 10 with your Bidoof, and proceed to have 0 personality for the rest of your appearances.

Infact, Marvel Studios blatantly assumes you don’t give a rat’s ass about Captain America, so much so that they make him about as relevant as Bomberman. Was he even in Age of Ultron? I literally forgot. Was he the guy that said “language” and the movie just shoved that 1 joke in your face, (thinking it was comedy gold!) cause… you know, his only character trait is to be the butt of Iron Man’s jokes?

 

So I shouldn’t be surprised when Captain America’s 3rd and final individual movie was handed over to Iron Man on a silver platter. Iron Man certainly has more plot relevance, him recruiting Spider-Man is… leik… such a biiiiig deal, and we get some shoehorned sappy backstory of him and his parents just so Tony’s bastardry can be justified in the third act. To the point where people laughibly side against Captain America all for one half-assed reveal. Now to the actual review.

 

Oh noes!! Crossbones went into Africa and stole a random bio weapon! Do we know what it is or what it can do? No!? Fuck it! Excuse plot within an excuse plot, I suppose.

Cap takes Witch, Widow, and Falcon with him (is this a half-assed reference to his kooky quartet!?!?). Falcon scans the perimeter with his pet drone… ugh.

Personal gripe, I’m not ok with Redwing being a drone. Yeah I know. Telepathic link with an actual Falcon is just… “too weird”, but people accept a talking raccoon and a FUCKING TREE as legit heroes, so WHY NOT!? Anyways..

We have a big fight where loads of punches occur against regular mooks… because otherwise the studio would be forced to justify how Black Widow could take on any force that is out of her league. Cap defeats Crossbones who reveals he’s working for Winter Soldier… which makes no sense because Bucky went missing and it’s easy to assume that Hydra didn’t care that he’s gone because he’s… buying plums. I’m not even sure why Crossbones was stealing bioweapons from Africa, I guess it’s just there to set up the soon to be aborted plot of this movie, because blowing up Sokovia in AOU didn’t mean shit! But Witch minimalizing casaulties of Crossbones suicide bombing to 13 people, that just sparks OUTRAGE!!!

There’s no real explanation for this scene other than the need for some manufactured crisis to get the plot rolling when previous films have had enough of them to be used as a spark. You mean to tell me that some tiny explosion which, again, only killed 13 people compared to events from AOU where 2 major cities were devastated and/or destroyed, THIS is the straw that breaks the camel’s back!?

 

Do the writers between all of these movies ever get together to discuss consistencies between their continuities?

 

Anywho, we cut to everyone’s favorite asshole who we might as well call the comic book version of Donald Trump. Once more we are to suffer through RDJ’s dry acting skill of using the same emotional tone in every scene, it’s like he can’t turn off his “pseudo-sarcastic voice” for like 2 seconds. We get holographic exposition due to Tony’s relationship with his parents feeling about as hollow as mist. You know it’s there, but you feel nothing! You wait after 11 movies to give us some details of Tony’s parental issues!?

To top it off, he shares this crap with a bunch of college students during a presentation that has Jack shit to do with his past… meaning that Tony was probably never at all affected by this oh so traumatic event that he figured “hey, I can make a sweet PowerPoint presentation with this!!” What an ass.

Wait, Tony shares his past with strangers but none of the Avengers? Wait, he actually KNOWS his Mother!? Hell, for all I knew, he was adopted by an alcoholic.

So after walking off because Pepper didn’t give up the puh, Tony runs into Miriam Sharpe who blames him for the death of her son. Get it!? Cause it happened in the comics… cept she’s technically right this time around.

 

Back at Avengers mansion, Witch guilt watches tv while showing off her sexy legs in a room clearly designed for a teenager. I can only assume Vision was peeking her legs all this time and decided to wear, for some bizarre reason, actual clothes, probably to hide his infinty erecTHUNDERBOLT ROSS IS BACK!!! And I don’t care.

So he guilt trips the Avengers by showing them footage of their wanton destruction, while only showing 1 disturbing image of an African corpse (Disney’s racism is verrrry subtle, you know). Ross goes on about how the Avengers operate with unlimited power (which is bullshit because Shield (A UN chartered organization) set them up in the first place, but when Shield was dissolved 3 movies ago, the UN just NOW takes action!? No good mutha…)

 

Cut to a scene where Barely Zemo forcibly drowns a man in his own home on-screen, and I’m left bewildered as to how this is less offensive or dark unlike  Batman vs Superman. Not enough bad quips?

 

Back at the mansion, Machine has a military rank pissing contest with Falcon for Amma knows what reason, and then everyone gives their opinions on the accords, and it’s literally 2 against 4 not in favor of the accords. Nice to know we’re balancing out both sides of the argument here. Say didn’t Widow tell the government to kiss her ass in Winter Soldier!? Consistency!!! Hell, even Falcon points this out.

Dont get me started on 7/11’s little “We need to be put in check” speech, as wonderfully idiotic as that statement alone sounds, I’m still pissed that no one brought up the Hulk-Buster scene. How many buildings did you drop on their black asses you fucking retard!?

The only people who have any legitimate reason to support the accords are War Machine and Vision. Machine being a tight ass who’s had to put up with Iron Man’s antics for 2 movies More than likely feels it necessary to regulate metahumans. And Vision’s a robot… and that’s why. Say, weren’t you on Cap’s side and disabled Iron Man’s suit… oh my mistake, I forgot Disney made the source material irrelavent, otherwise Kaecilius wouldn’t be the badguy in Dr. Strange.

Cap is, of course, the only person who has a legit reason to go against the accords. As a guy who didn’t want to be held back by WW2 restrictions when it came time, plus his newfound distrust of Big Brother, he’s like “FUCK these accords! I’ve actually taken the time to ensure that civillian lives were in a safe area before going to kick some ass, it was MY idea to save lives on Sokovia! Nevermind that I needed Fury’s help to even pull those rescues off, why isn’t he here to back me up!?”

But fuck all that! FUNERALS!!!

 

Literally forgot Peggy Carter existed. But oh well, she’s dead and her lame ass show can finally be cancelled. Her big tittied niece delivers a eulogy so bad that they had to steal dialogue from the comics just to appeal to the fans that aren’t pissed about the incorrect rosters. Because Spider-Man is all that matters…

 

BLACK PANTHER!!! I see your lusting eyes, Black Widow, you whore.

 

So T’Chaka gives a speechKABOOM he’s dead. So much for getting to know these characters well enough to care about them before you off them. But I get it. You didn’t feel like giving Panther an origin story (to hell with them ni-), so you shoehorned it into Cap’s movie with no soul w/e. Also, “parental figure’s death is motivation to become super hero” trope.

 

So now we get to the part that renders the accords story meaningless. Bucky is framed, and Cap’s logic goes full retard. “Protect Bucky at all costs!!! Even at the expense of everyone I run into”. I mean goddamn! He’s beating up law enforcement, stealing people’s cars,  and fucking up Helicopters. Because if I imagine Cap doing anything, its grand theft auto. Consistency!!!

 

No… seriously. This is fucking terrible. Not only does this whole sequence make Cap out to be an inconsiderate asshat, but it’s completely inconsistent with his previous appearances. As I’ve said before, in both Avengers movies, Cap actually went through hell and back to protect civillian life. The way he charged through a subway station to save a woman and her child, jumping in to save an elderly man from being murdered by Loki, trying desperately to save a woman in her car from falling off the cliffside of a flying city, and being the only guy in the whole group to refuse to blow up Sokovia until everyone was evacuated while Widow suggested nuking the city now… just shows how much he cared about people. Cap threw himself into harms way on multiple occassions to protect those who couldn’t defend themselves. Unwilling to sacrifice lives for the sake of accomplishing a military objective. So why in Mary fuck is he THROWING AN INNOCENT DRIVER INTO SPEEDING TRAFFIC!? So what if Bucky’s your friend, you risked a man’s life to save a guy who tried to yours! It just doesn’t compute!!! Even in Winter Soldier, he doesn’t lose his fucking mind when he’s forced to confront Bucky on a shield helicarrier, he fights him because he knew that if he didn’t disable those guns, Hydra would’ve been free to kill whoever they wanted!! He was willing to die on the fucking ships if it meant those weapons couldn’t fall into the wrong hands!!! And here he is throwing people into traffic. Y..you can’t ignore details like that just because you want to make an action sequence!!

 

Panther shows up and makes Bucky his bitch, and some random chopper comes out of nowhere and starts shooting Panther… and only Panther. Cause even though a WHITE guy who blew up an embassy, is a known assasin and terrorist, and led to the death of a fucking KING, the black guy is STILL more threatening even though nobody knows who the hell he is!

 

And OH YEA, Falcon is in the movie!! He does nothing for the scene, however. So then they all get arrested. Machine is all like “Yea Cap, you’re a criminal!” Panther reveals his identity for a dramatic reveal that everyone knew anyway. Did I mention Panther gets the best dialogue? No bullshit tacked-on witty remarks to keep pace with all the other comedic talents otherwise known as the entire goddamn cast!!!

So in this secret base, they meet Everett Ross who in the comics was just a liason for Panther. Here, Evy thinks he awesome and talks more shit than Tony. Speaking of which, he and his ass bitch Widow taunt Cap and Falcon relentlessly. Widow’s demeanor towards certain characters changes whenever she feels like it, eh? Now she’s acting like a total bitch. “Your friend killed the father of the guy I totally wanna bang!”

Then Cap and Irons gets into an argument where Iron actually admits to making Ultron, but says so in relation to why Pepper left his sorry ass. Not because people died or anything. Can’t have the Wolverine of our franchise admitting any REAL faults, yah dig? Oh yeah, there was some shit about Vision, an android with vast amounts of intelligence granted to him from the Mind Gem, not knowing what paprika was… that scene was all shipping so… it’s not important.

But w/e because Barely Zemo snuck into the facility and took a gamble with his EMP bomb delivery. How lucky was he that the bomb arrived just in time for him to mind control Bucky? Man, you could swear this guy and Lex’s plans are all xanatos gambits. Bucky escapes, beats the shit out of everyone except Panther (Cause he’s a boss), but gets captured by Cap and Falcon. That helicopter scene was actually pretty awesome, no?

In some warehouse, Cap and Falcon interrogate Bucky about his darkside and mentions an aborted plot had Captain America 3 remained a pure Captain America movie and not a glorified infomercial. Then we get the scene from Ant Man so as to ensure people they didn’t waste their money seeing it. I mean… good movie, but has Jack shit to do with the rest of this universe.

Then we go to Iron Man not giving a shit about child endangerment to recruit a 12 year old Spider-Man that pissed off legions of fanboys due to his age. Tony wants a private conversation with Peter in his room (cause that doesn’t come across as creepy at all) and the first thing he does is spit out Aunt May’s cookiesTHE FUCK’S WRONG WITH YOU!? Those are delicious! I’m surprised Peter didn’t just whoop his ass right there!! Or the next barrage of insults regarding his computer, twin bed, and his crappy suit. You wanna recruit this kid but you shit all over his self-esteem. Good for you!! But hey, let’s top that off with some blackmail! Tony threatens to tell Aunt May about Peter’s Spider ID, yadda yadda. How anyone can like Iron Man after the last 3 movies is beyond me. Maybe people are just drawn to assholes. Why else would Trump have a shot at being President!?

Back at the mansion, a random, unexplained explosion distracts Vision long enough for Hawkeye to randomly show up for no reason and give Witch some pep talk… while trying to fight V ision. It was awesome seeing Hawkeye show why he doesn’t suck like Widow, but he needs Witch’s help just to break free from Vision’s overpowered grasp. Considering Hawkeye shows the capacity to disable Vision with electric arrows, why the fuck does he take to swinging a stick at him!? You know well enough that he isn’t to be fucked with at close combat! And if the first attack didn’t phase him (hahahahaha) what makes you think a few more swings will!? Hawkeye is smarter than this! Wait… why is he even here!? He just pops out of nowhere, disables Vision, and tells Witch “Cap needs us” and just expects her to go along with him. Witch rightfully pauses in confusion as to what the hell is going on in this movie because clearly the writers realized that they needed to give Cap an actual team for big Airport battle, so at the last minute, they squeeze in Hawkeye, Witch, and Ant Man… for absolutely no reason!!! These 3 have no actual reason to be in this fucking movie!!! Hawkeye is supposed to be retired, Witch feels guilty for causing some deaths, and AntMan is shoehorned in just to establish that he is in this continuity.

In the Civil War series, every character has a clear and legitimate reason for fighting. Their own personal views and past experiences are all accounted for and taken into consideration when determining which side they chose. You could understand why someone like Ms. Marvel would be for the Registration Act and why someone like Luke Cage wouldn’t. But here, the characters (on Cap’s side, at least) are just there because they needed an even number of characters on each team. It is the literal definition of forced.

Say, didn’t Witch’s brother die in the last movie? And she feels nothing from that!? No trauma, no depression, nothing!? Damn, was his character that bland and nonexistent that even his own sister gives less of a fuck about his death!? Fucking Age of Ultron came out last year, and we don’t know how much time passed in universe so we can’t even imagine if she got over it, but not even a single mention or callback!? Everyone in this movie only seem to acknowledge that Sokovia blew up. Nothing about the Hulk-buster fight or Quicksilver’s unnecessary sacrifice. Nothing about how it affected Witch in anyway… oh who am I kidding, if Kevin Feige doesn’t give a shit about Cap’s consistency, why would Witch of all bitches matter?

I also hate how Witch gets recruited by having Hawkeye basically strong arming her. “Hey thanks for explaining WHY Cap needs our help! I apparently don’t need a good reason as I’m too underdeveloped to have any conflicting motivations to even have the capacity to REFUSE to help you despite the fact that you’re making an ass of yourself. But fuck it, I need to get off mine because the plot needs a 6th team member! YAY IM IMPORTANT!!”

 

So Cap First gets his gear back from Sharon Carter whom he also shares a kiss with because hey it happened in the comics so there’s NO reason w/e to take time to develop an actual relationship. “We assume you don’t care about Captain America enough to see his love life, so phone it in! She has big tits and that’s all that matters.” And it’s literally the last time we see her in this movie!!! They didn’t give a shit about anything!

 

Anywho, Cap, Falcon, and Bucky meet up with the rest of their criminals in an airport because I guess no one would look to an airport to catch a terrorist. Why not use Nick Fury’s underground bunker from Winter Soldier instead of conducting your business out in the open? Oh because we need that big super hero fight immediately after the scene! Gotcha. Ant Man cops a feel on Cap’s man boobs and I’m supposed to find that funny instead of weird, innappropiate, and arbitrary. Is Disney promoting a lifestyle here?

Now comes the biggest super hero fight of the century!!!

 

First up, we get the reveal that Iron Man made Spider-Man’s suit… wait. WHAT!? Iron Man gave Spider-Man his iconic design!? Ok, so you give him Ultron (which I kinda accepted) and then you gave him Vision (which I felt was being too generous, but I rolled with it)… But now you cocksuckers give him Spider-Man’s iconic costume!? An element that in ALL Spider-Man adaptations was a costume that Peter Parker HIMSELF created!? FUCK YOU IN THE EAR MOVIE!!!!1111!1!1!

 

I swear, it’s like these bastards are just screaming in your face “everything that occurs in the MCU couldn’t happen without Iron Man’s contributions”. He saves the day in BOTH Avengers movies, is responsible for the creation of the Avengers deadliest villain, and creation of 1 of their most powerful members, and now he’s responsible for making Spider-Man’s iconic fucking costume, complete with shitty CGI work throughout to show us how much of a last minute addition he was to the overall movie, it’s like Wonder Woman in BvS. Shill Tony Stark, Bury Steve Rodgers!

But fuck all that, ITS TIME TO DDDDDUEL!!!!

 

Now, this is the highlight of the movie and is literally the best damn super hero fight in cinematic history… but it ruins Spider-Man for me. Mainly due to his dialogue. Exhibit

 

“You have the right to remain silent!”

Personal gripe, but he says this to Falcon. A black super hero. I know he’s 12 and is just excited to fight people, but in a time where cops seem to be on a murderous rampage against black folks, you think the script might’ve been a little tone deaf about that?

 

“Id love to chat, but I really need to impress Mr. Stark..”

…Are you fucking serious!? That’s your whole motivation right there? These guys want to stop a league of assasins, but you want “senpai” to notice you!? Get the fuck out of here, Spider-Man would never say some shit like that in a fight.

 

“Look kid, there’s some things you don’t understand…”

“Mr. Stark said you’d say that! He also said go for your legs!”

Ok I’m getting pissed now. Spider-Man’s only means of actually damaging Cap depends on advice from a guy who never thinks to do this himself! And the sad part is… that’s absolutely correct as Cap proceeds to kick his lily ass for the rest of the fight.

 

“What else did Stark tell you?”

“That you’re wrong, you think you’re right, and that makes you dangerous”

…Holy shit. You sir are not Spider-Man.

You’re some horrid creature masquerading as him. So because Irons told you that Cap is a bad person, you believe it outright? You could swear… SWEAR that this poor child was horribly indoctrinated before going into battle!

Spider-Man had many flaws, but none of them included niavete. He usually thinks long and hard about all of his decisions before ultimately making these tough choices. And a lot of those decisions came independently from everyone else. He doesn’t just mindlessly join a cause for the sake of a complete stranger who somehow knows your secret identity. Why would anyone trust a person who SPIES on you in his spare time!? And why would you believe everything that comes out of his mouth!?

Are there any Dynasty Warriors fans in this audience? If so, do you like Guan Yu? No? Then you must his fictional kids! Well, maybe not Yinping because teh sexy legs, but in general you know why they’re shit. Because they are but mere extensions of Guan Yu and serve as nothing more than mouth pieces to preach about Guan Yu’s greatness. They have no individual thoughts of their own it seems. Spider-Man… is dangerously crossing into Guan Suo territory. Hell, his costume work is about as real as Guan Suo’s existence. He has no thoughts of his own, mindlessly takes orders without question, and is obsessed with gaining Tony’s approval. Wasn’t Black Widow supposed to be an extention of Iron Man seeing as she’s just as irritating and snarky!? Why did he need another one!? And why Spider-Man!?

 

Ugh… anywho, for some bizarre reason that will never be explained, Widow allows Cap and Bucky to escape. And the plot decided it would be funny if War Machine got owned, so they have Vision shoot him out of the air for trailer bait, but he survives to be crippled. Can’t have too many black super heroes, yah know?

I also like how Iron Man shoots Falcon after he fucking apologized to him even though Falcon never shot Machine out of the air, but does Jack shit to Vision… who DID shoot Machine… and didn’t apologize for it either!!! Again… how do people still like this asshat!? Normal people would be like “he’s an insensitive and inconsiderate asshole” but he continues to be showered with praise because he’s just so gosh darn witty! And “he” brought Spider-Man into MCU so fuck you!

Iron Man actually bothers to do some research and finds out that Barely Zemo blew up the embassy and wants that army of super soldiers. So he goes to the Raft prison and ofcourse gives a verbal smackdown to Hawkeye and Ant Man because we just needed to shill him more than usual and give him moral superiority because reasons. It’s unfortunate because this asshat acknowledges Hawkeye’s stupidity and lack of relevance to the plot.

Speaking of which, let’s talk about Ant Man. So Pym is very secretive about his work, right!? Not wanting it to fall into the wrong hands like Howard Stark or Cross or the Government… which it is clearly at the mercy of. The government could study his suit and it’s properties or worse, Irons can replicate it for his own evil purposes. Pym should be furious that Scott would jeopardize his life’s work just for a crossover opportunity. Also, with his criminal history and lack of connections to people who would bother to bail him out, how would he plan to get out of prison? How would explain this shit to his ex-wife? Isn’t his prison terms the reason she wouldn’t let him near his daughter… which was his primary motivation for putting up with the Pym’s abuse!? For beating Yellow Jacket!? And here, he just says “durr ok! I’m gonna fight this battle that has Jack shit to do with me!” Consistency!

They literally gave Iron Man all the characters that have moral superiority and legit reasons to be fighting (not to mention being a vastly overpowered team, what with Spider-Man, Vision, and Panther) while Cap’s side is filled with morons who have no reason to fight with Cap at all and are grossly underpowered to deal with Iron Man’s team. Disney couldn’t help themselves. It’s amazing they held their own at all.

So Falcon coughs up the location of a Hydra base in Siberia where Cap and Bucky are. Irons arrives to call a truce and stop Zemo… which he immediately calls off over a video tape.

 

Lets talk about Zemo’s plan. He goes around killing Hydra soldiers because he wants info on “mission report 12/16/91”, but then decides to mind control bucky to get that information, goes to Siberia and finds this badass army of super soldiers… only to kill them off if only for the writers to show that they don’t make mindless cliches, all in order to show Iron Man a video tape of his parents getting killed by Bucky. Then plans to commit suicide. First of all, if he wanted that mission report, he couldve used the Internet more. He does mention that Hydra’s secrets were leaked on the internet, but that somehow didn’t include that specific mission report!? Secondly, an army of super soldiers would make useful body guards and you could’ve used them for a LOT of missions or other shit, but you kill them off because you don’t like metahumans. You could’ve kick started the Masters of Evil you son of a bitch! Third, that video tape wasn’t at all disclosed in Widow’s big leak from Winter Soldier? How!? And lastly, if all he wanted was info regarding Tony’s parents, he couldn’t get THAT from Bucky instead of going all the way to Siberia? Oh and he waits patiently for Iron Man to come to the facility and watch it? What if he never showed up to watch it? Zemo’s plan (if you can call it that) is based entirely on fucking luck, and makes no logical sense. But wait, if he was desperate to get this mission report, then it means he’s had knowledge of the Stark’s murder for quite some time now, and instead

Of sending Tony some mail or w/e to egg him into wanting to kill Bucky, he decides to gamble on Iron Man’s mental instability so that they would kill each other. And what would he hope to accomplish with just 3 deaths? Civil War is so focused on maintaining this theme of lost loved ones (unless you’re Scarlet Witch) that it pushes it at the expense of logic. Zemo’s plan is ass backwards. Let’s not even talk about how there is HD quality street cams in 1991, or why the Starks would take an old forest road to get to an airport.

But fuck all that, it’s time to completely ruin this movie!

 

So you know how in BvS how Lex goads Superman into fighting Batman via kidnapping his mom? Yeah, Civil War ripped that off. Zemo goads Iron Man into fighting bucky and Cap. It’s the SAME DAMN THING!!! But you know, people actually like Iron Man so it’s ok for Disney to pull the same stunt. This plot twist is stupid, forced, rushed, and stupid. For a number of reasons, but I’ll list 4 since by now, you’re tired of my rambling.

 

1.Bucky should’ve just apologized. It might not have helped much seeing as Tony is a dick to those who do apologize (Falcon) but at least do that instead of pointing a fucking gun at him! All you’re doing is signaling that your own life is more important than squashing this beef.

 

2. When and where did Cap learn that Bucky murdered Tony’s parents!? Some theorists believe that it was revealed in Winter Soldier during Arnim Zola’s ranting, but who could memorize a few seconds of 1-2 images flashing rapidly and quickly transitioning to another image? And in a movie that gave fuck all about consistency!? Give me a break.

 

3. Cap had no real reason to reveal this information. He and Irons aren’t even friends for one. There was no mission importance that would require him to reveal, nor any feeling of guilt that would compell him to tell all. Lastly, Cap knows Irons is mentally unstable. Why would you trust a guy you clearly despise with information regarding your BFF? He made fucking Ultron!! Seeing as how Irons tries to kill them both instead of thinking “we’ll settle this after we take Zemo in”, I don’t blame Cap at all for keeping it a secret.             He has no obligation to Irons in any regard. Plus the fact that Irons has been antagonistic towards Cap almost exclusively (and he even mentions that he’s always hated Cap earlier), yeah. Besides, he’s never been shown to care about his parents until now because the writers needed a plot twist.

 

4. This makes Cap the unnofficial badguy of his own fucking movie because OMG HE KNEW!!! You horrible person!!! Everyone was pro-Cap until this very scene where everyone started thinking that Cap was an unrelenting bastard. You know, because beating up SWAT teams for trying to take in a known terrorist, and throwing civilians into harms way just to protect Bucky clearly didn’t piss anyone off!

This scene alone basically destroys the movie as the title character becomes the badguy in favor of coddling Iron Man fans. In just one stroke, Iron Man gets the full backing and support of the audience, and people were honestly hoping Cap would get killed off (plus for the diehards, it would’ve coincided with the comics as Cap died at the end of Civil War).

 

So what happens? Iron Man, considered the smartest man in the world, knowing full well they can take Zemo down with no trouble… gives into emotion and tries to kill Cap and Bucky. Now I’m certain no one pays attention to RDJ’s acting chops, but here, the movie is trying to convince me that Iron Man is pissed and out for blood. But his tone during this whole ordeal… never changes! Hey Russos! Tell RDJ to turn off his sarcastic asshat voice! One of you guys must have a bootleg copy and can easily listen to some choice lines here…

 

“Im eyeballin it”

“I don’t care. He killed my mum!”

“Lets kick his ass!”

“Stay down Cap. Final warning.”

“That shield belonged to my father… forgot the other lines”

 

He sounds so unconvincing. Like he was just phoning it in. Maybe he stopped caring when he read the script.

 

“(laughs) You fucks are serious!? You couldn’t give me a legit reason as to why I’d fight Cap to the death!? (laughs hysterically) you assbites are gonna have to pay me some good money if you’re gonna turn my character into an immature manchild!”

 

No really, highest paid actor out of ALL Avengers actors, and he wants more money. Yep.

 

Anywho, Cap kicks Iron ass, Bucky gets his arm blown off, and Cap ditches his shield. I guess he felt he owed Tony that much.

So Machine is paralyzed, Panther bizarrely let’s Zemo live even though he KNOWS this bastard killed his father, and Cap breaks out his prison buddies. Damn, even in the end, they couldn’t keep Cap an asshole. But then he writes an apology letter, come on dawg! You already gave him your shield (and free Vibranium, you dumb fuck), you don’t need to kiss his ass further. But w/e. He’s hangin out with Panther (who’s totally gonna give him a new shield anyway). Then we get another scene where Spider-Man gets his obscure Spidey Signal… from Tony Stark… as well…

 

…………….Ffffffffffuuuuuuuu…

 

*sigh* Its pretty hard to rate this movie fairly. Its not a bad movie persay, its got great action, better comedy relief that didnt feel desperate, the characters were still likable, Black Panther was amazing, seeing Giant Man was a real treat, and it washed the bad taste of “Age of Ultron” out of our mouths.

But all of it’s qualities came at the complete and total expense of everything else. The movie runs on an idiot plot where characters are… out of character, Captain America gets pushed aside to make room for Iron Man, Spider-Man sucked, the major plot of the Sokovia accords is ignored, Zemo was a lousy and shoehorned villain, half the cast doesn’t even have avoid reason to be in the movie, and the final fight was caused by an extremely lousy plot twist that no one seems bothered by. It’s got so many problems, almost as numerous as BvS, but because it’s funny and lighthearted, no one has the balls to call the film out on it’s faults (probably cause the MCU has rabbid fanboys). Overall, it feels like a rushed marketing opportunity for Disney to sell more toys when the first 2 Captain America movies were so great.

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Anything that is merchandise driven is ultimately neutered, and this Disney’s entire thought process. It’s shocking that the first Avengers movie turned out so well, but everything phase 2 and beyond (with the exception of Winter Soldier and Ant Man) is just a barrage of shit movies to sell merchandise. If Guardians of the Galaxy and Age of Ultron weren’t convincing enough, here’s Civil War to make it clear that it’s only gonna get worse from here on out. Half-assed comic relief, shitty costumes, and product placement for future movies (because simply announcing them over the Internet is too much work).

 

It’s unfortunate that it works so well for them that their success has ensured that quality control will never be enforced. I honestly have no hope for Dr. Strange or Black Panther, or they might turn out decent and fool me into thinking they care (like AntMan did) and shit all over my expectations when the next movie comes out.

Sure, DC movies suck too, but they aren’t created with the intention of selling toys. You get the feeling that WB wants to make legitimately good films, that they care about their fans, that they don’t just want to make mindless comic book movies that target the LCDs exclusively, that the source material matters. They’re fucking up badly, but they’re at least trying. It’s more than I can say for Disney.

 

And Black Widow remains terrible.