Hello all who… still give a damn about this blog. I am very much aware that it has been damn near centuries since I last posted. Again, I still have no computer or internet to do so. Evicted my lazy ass room mate. Aint gonna be sleeping on my damn couch watching no big tooth Steve Harvey who thinks he can offer good dating advice! Or those fake cunts on “The Real”. You ever just watch mainstream tv and think “Am I getting old or is tv becoming more obnoxious?”. These 2 shows along with Wendy “Man jaw” Williams just drives my patience through the walls!

Despite the lack of internet, I have to admit it’s actually quite… relaxing. You don’t have to deal with jackoffs just because you said a few unkind words about so and so video game they happen to think is a great achievement. I already got a few chumps up my ass about Monster Hunter I see. God damn ya’ll can type some essays! It’s this thing about having to defend every single word you write up about so and so context that gets tiring after a while that… not having to worry about it around normal people outside of digital land is not a bad trade off. Well… aside from this one guy who keeps taunting me over having a PS4. Hope you enjoy Mortal Kombat X tomorrow you lucky bastard!!! Ugh! So pissed off about the delay. Pushed back until JUNE!!!? So… many words about that.

Hell, I would have words about this “Handsome collection” that rightfully has fans outraged. I would have words about the new Star Fox being “Episodic”. I could even have words about Destiny being online only (good thing I didn’t buy back in December, eh? :P) But… I’m in a good mood. The R button on my 2DS magically un-fucked itself so yay! More Tit or Alive Dimensions on the go!

Instead, I’ll just have words on 2 games that I had been anticipating since their announcement.

GUILTY GEAR XRD

Lemme tell yah, it makes no damn sense for one game to be so hard to track down. Having to traverse halfway across the county to pick up one copy is absurd. It also makes no sense to have less copies of the game distributed than Blaz fuckin Blue! Oh but I know I’ll be mauled with messages of how successful Blazblue is compared to Guilty Gear in the long run.

Anywho, after my perilous journey to find a game, I popped this bitch in actually expecting the worse. Considering what nonsense went into BlazBlue and seeing the characters that were already in this game were the “unique” ones, I figured the devs wanted to emphasis the character’s gimmicks. Come to find out, I need to stop being paranoid. Xrd plays more or less… exactly the same as previous GG titles. Meaning you’re not really missing out on anything by not playing this game.

Funny thing I noticed on the back of the box is how it advertises “a bunch of new characters”…. and you only have 3 available while 2 others are DLC. That ain’t a whole lot considering how small this roster is compared to…I think…. Accent Core was the last one? Anywho, the new characters available, Ramla…. fuck, I can’t spell that shit… the new black chick, lets just say that, is literally a button masher with 2 big ass swords and a talking head. This… “bed man”, probably the most bizarre character in any fighting game, has lots of Blazblue styled gimmicks, and Sin, another mother fucker voiced by the Frog Power Ranger. This man stays finding work! And you know the best part? All 3 of them are over-powered as shit.

While the game’s roster is tiny, I can’t be too upset. At least most of my mains are still in the game. It’s not like Smash Bros. where most of them were removed or nerfed to all hell that I can’t even marginally function in the game. I don’t quite see how this game is that much slower, however, considering some complaints were levied at the speed. About the only thing that is slower is some characters moves. You know that shit where Sol jumps at the edge of the screen and then does some bad ass “fly at you from across the screen like a boss” move? Well, it has an extra animation where if it connects, Sol will squish the opponent into the ground while burning them. Shit like that would make the game feel slower, definitely, but there’s not a whole lot of that going on. The mini cutscenes that occur after doing super moves is tiring, though. Almost makes me NOT want to use Sol’s Falcon Punch or w/e. Aside from that, w/e reduced speed there is.. is trivial at best.

There isn’t much I can say about gameplay, really. If you’ve played Guilty Gear before, nothing has changed… which is cool. It’s the same old Guilty Gear we’ve all enjoyed, now with more titties.

Everything else, though…. is fucked. I’m talking content. Xrd has practically tarnished, in my eyes, the image of this series. I’ve always imagined Guilty Gear as this series that was reminiscent of the early/mid/late 90’s anime (or the johnny come late exports from Toonami and Adult Swim) when they were still good. With a visual style and flair similar to Outlaw Star or whatnot. It had that distinct feeling to it that you got a cartoon from Japan that, while kinda fucked up, was still moderately awesome. Xrd, on the other hand, jumps on the Naruto Bandwagon and completely FUCKS whatever coolness the series had. The artwork is horrible for the mere crime of making Ky Kiske look like a bitch. The one thing I noticed was that the characters seem more over proportioned than usual. I’m used to fighting games having characters on steroids, but GG tended to break away from the norm of standard fighting game males (a little too much, eh Bridget?). Here, ASW said hell wit it and wanted to compete with Street Fighter for protein addicted character designs. Or maybe it’s just Sol looking retarded. Hell, even Chipp looks retarded. Nay.. SOUNDS retarded. Japanese fighting games pick the worst dubs, but it feels awkward for Chipp to sound like mother fucking Goku while campaigning for presidency. If that sounds awful, it gets worse. Sol’s VA desperately wants to mimmick Steven Blum (and I can’t blame him), I swear ever since I played Xillia, Jude Mathis haunts me everywhere I go as he makes Ky sound like he has allergies. I’m indifferent to Venom, but overall……FUCK!

Bad VA’s have nothing on the characters themselves. Maybe it’s my fault for implanting my own perceptions of how these characters act and what their motives are…….but seriously… why the fuck is Chipp a politician?! That is the main thing that bothers me the most about this game. There’s a lot more fucked up concepts such as Axl Low being some time traveler, Johnny being a country bumpkin, or why people seem so focused on May being Japanese. To top it off, Justice looks like a deformed Freeza. About the only “normal” character is Sol himself. What I don’t understand is why he’s baby sitting Ky’s kid. Infact… since when did Ky become a king?!

I would have hoped Story Mode would’ve elaborated on those details and more. But instead, it piles on more stupidity. Sin (Ky’s brat) “interrogates” Ramlashitforbrains…. by giving her a cheese burger. Why? I don’y know. At first, I figured she’s a bad guy who wants to destroy the world, but instead she’s just some poor soul who has to be taught the value of emotions in order to feel human… even though she’s a robot(?).

This dumb shit that Japan injects into their games feels inappropriate at the worst of times. In Guilty Gear, it’s out of place. I’d imagine that Guilty Gear was about Sol’s war against Gears and Human/Gear conflict this side of X-Men. But here, there’s so much bullshit about alternate dimensions, “That Man” being a good guy somehow, talking elderly dragons who somehow have the answer to all problems, and some illuminati type of organization wanting to take over the world. I might as well be playing Aquapazza! The Story mode is much worse than what I described, obviously cause I know fuck all about whats going on in it nor do I care enough to recall that information. The only thing going through my mind was the amount of talking in tedious government committees lazying about with exposition and analysis of details. Japan loves talking about details, apparently as their games REEK with exposition. One shouldn’t have to force themselves to stay awake during any segment of a game. This shit just cures my insomnia.

Overall, I’d say it’s an ok game as long as you make up your own head canon and divorce the story mode from your memory. My Head Canon? Sol kills Sin, Venom and Rammy fuck, and Chipp kills Hilary Clinton and takes her spot as a presidential candidate. Bam!

RESIDENT EVIL REVELATIONS 2

Capcom surprised the shit out of me back when I first played Revelations 1. That is how Resident Evil was supposed to be! None of this scripted action bullshit with 5 or 6, filled to the brim with quick time events. Rev 1 was the definitive Resident Evil experience! I’ll take that shit to grave!

No really, I will. Because Revelations 2 disappoints.

I mean… there’s a lot to like about Rev 2. It’s definitely scarier than Rev 1 and certainly plays better. And the prospect of LOCAL FUCKING COOP is always a plus… but it feels 20x more tedious than any Resident Evil game I’ve played thus far. For one, the partner system (and Coop overall) is a mess. In both 5 and 6, both characters in a given campaign have the same exact abilities as the other, with the only differences being whoever has a stick or a hole. Both characters could use guns, do finishers, etc etc. But in this game, Capcom decided to implement severe limitations to the characters abilities.

For example, one scenario has Claire Redfield and Moira Burton as playable characters. Claire can use fire arms and follow up attacks, but cannot open barred door or chests with special locks. Moira, on the other hand, is “afraid” of using guns, meaning she can’t use them… at all, and is stuck with a crowbar, meaning her combat potential is limited as fuck. But she can do all the other things Claire can’t. Forced Coop Emphasis… engaged! Follow-up attacks, btw, are only available when you have successfully stunned an enemy. But early on, only Moira has the ability to stun enemy, while Claire can do a follow up attack, and only Moira can do finishers. Finishers, btw, are moves you can use on enemies that are laid out on the ground. Knowing this , you can see how frustrating it is trying to get a groove together in kicking some ass. Sure, you’re not really supposed to be kicking ass, you’re supposed to run the fuck away from enemies. Don’t mind if I do! But if you’re gonna have combat abilities from the last 4 games, don’t hamper them in some vain attempt to emphasize cooperation. It’s silly that both Claire and Moira don’t have similar abilities in THAT instance. I could forgive the whole crowbar thing and unlocking chests because yeah, who cares… but follow up attacks and finishers being exclusive to certain characters is pushing it.

Oh, but that’s not even the worst part. See, at least Moira HAS some combat ability and is infact more useful than Claire in a throwdown. Another scenario has Barry Burton and some little girl called Natalia. Little Girl… IE… no combat ability… whatsoever. So for the most part… Barry can do follow up attacks and finishers all by himself. Natalia really can’t do shit. She is psychic and can detect where enemies are as well as enemy weakpoints, but it’s really goddamned tedious having to switch between 2 characters just to see enemy locations and weakspots, or put all the pressure on player 2 to do all recon shit while Player 1 has all the fun doing the shit mopping. Or not. Barry is a slave to Natalia’s information while Barry does all the dirty work. Otherwise, Natalia is a damned liability, and if it’s coop, equates to a most tedious gameplay experience. It’s not real coop as it just feels tacky and slow.

Then there’s the game’s length which is attributed to the fact that Capcom went into the trend of Episodic nonsense before releasing a full game. It’s 4 episodes long and while each episode is lengthy, I feel it has more to do with it’s incredibly slow pace and obvious padding rather than actually being long. There’s a lot of unnecessary back tracking to go through during the 4th episode and in particular, a LOT of goddamned puzzles! I should’ve known better than to expect a game with limited character abilities to not have this bullshit, but here they are. Not only is the coop and puzzles dumb, but even some areas in the game demand you spin your wheels until you get around an obstacle. Episode 4 again has a section with poison gas that you need to make sure you don’t stay under for too long or else you’ll pass out. Unfortunately, the game doesn’t really give you the option to stay out of it. Infact, the game even demands you walk SLOWLY in the shit unless you want to risk waking up 2 of the most powerful enemies in the whole game. Yes, Barry’s segment has lots of stealth segments (IE boredom incarnate) and you have to walk slowly… in poison gas. It’s obnoxious game design like this that makes me afraid of touching any game in the “adventure” category, but never expected to see that kind of shit in Resident Evil. It’s a wonder why this game is so tedious in the first place and makes the notion of a second playthrough laughable.

On the other hand, there’s Raid Mode. Since no one plays Resident Evil for survival Horror anymore, the Raid Mode in this game is actually pretty damn good. This time around, Player 2 isn’t some liability and can have fun blasting gooey zombie guts all over the world. And holy shit… you can actually UNLOCK things again! I would’ve sworn Capcom would’ve worked some of their asshole DLC schemes in here… but no… you’re allowed to work… for your unlockables! Tears of fucking Joy, I tell you! Raid Mode saved this game from hitting the Bomba bin shelves at Gamestop. The requirements for unlocking characters and costumes is steep, but man, is it ever awesome!? Raid Mode isn’t that different from the last game aside from actual coop, character abilities, and… well, some element of tedium was worked in here as well. In Rev 1, you had the option of equipping parts to a gun to boost it’s stats or give it special abilities. Rev 2… that doesn’t change. What did was the option to remove parts without a catch. See now, once you’ve equipped a part, you can’t just take it off. It’s STUCK! If you want to remove the part, you either have to destroy the part (permanently erasing it for 1000 bucks) or destroy the gun to get the part back (permanently erasing the gun for… 4000 bucks). I have no idea why they implemented such an asshole change to weapon upgrades if not just to make the game more tedious than need be, especially since now you have elemental bullet upgrades from RE3 making a comeback, this new upgrade system is a bitch to deal with.

Story is also a mixed bag. In this game, both Claire and Moira were kidnapped and sent to an Island where they’ve been injected with a virus that changes them if they get too scared…… right. Barry just goes to the island to see if his baby Moira is alright while having to baby sit Natalia. I’ll say one thing. Rev 2 is fucking disturbing. Enemies are creepier than ever before, you’re constantly in dark areas, you’ve invisible assholes, and baby dolls cover the interior of a cave…..creepy. On the other hand, the villain’s actual plot is kinda stupid. Since the game is pretty recent, I suppose I won’t spoil anything…. but she wants to put her brain in a prepubescent body. Like I said… creeeeeepy.

Overall, if you don’t mind tedious ass games and want Resident Evil to be scary again, you can’t go wrong with Rev 2. And it’s cheap, too! $40 ain’t shit! Just keep in mind that Episode 4 sucks and Raid Mode rules.

And with that, I return to my hiatus and my grief over MKX’s delay. Ohhhhhhh…. it hurts so much…Fuck all ya’ll PS4 owners 😐

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