Yah damn skippy it do!

I just watched a few episodes of Sonic Boom and all of the cutscenes for the game, a few instances of omega glitches and… I just got one question.

Episode 4 where Sticks (Marine) is given a lecture on how to treat animals. Idk about you mother fuckers… but… Sticks… IS… an animal. Right? Why do they give a fuck!? It’s as though the writers forgot the fact that these bitches have long wagging dicks sticking out from their butts that pretty much indicate that… yeah, they’s be some animals.

Through out all of this nonsense, I kept asking myself… when does the stupidity ever end? I feel like I’ve had a near-death experience just merely watching crap. No wait, I did die. The 7 year old in me died. Not only that, but these “productions” dug my 7 year old up and pissed all over him, then double donged the corpse. I don’t think even the guys from Sonic Dissected can decipher just what in the fresh fuck was going on in these gigs.

Sonic Boom is like Iron Man 2. A soulless production that is on rails. No rhyme, rhythm, or reason. Reason being the key word here as you will be left demanding one for everything wrong with this game.

-Why the random design changes? (as always)
-Why the overuse of bad comedy relief at every… single… opportunity?
-Why was Shadow even in this game?
–And why is he opposed to the concept of “friendship” all of a sudden? Must’ve seen one too many Animes.
-Why does Amy’s man jaw look like a swollen cunt?
-Why does Sticks even matter in this series?
-Why the College Art Project level of crappy animation?
Why does Knuckles not know his left from his right!?
-Why is Lyric called Lyric? He doesn’t even sing. 😛
-Why does a crappy, buggy, and clearly unfinished video game tie-in have much better quality compared to a cartoon!?
-Why does it feel like the characters have no real personality?
-Why does it seem like all the fucking hype put forward by BRB and Sega was hot air? Every… last… word I might add.

Well…. shit, I don’t know

Whatever the case, the honeymoon is over and the fans got the taste smacked out of their mouths once again by the reality of the franchise’s state. These are the kinds of games that make many of us feel old in how people can even bother putting up a defense for trash. Even though I see no one defending the games besides Sega’s shills. They always provide shitty arguments. It would take a herculean effort to find any meaningful potential in this game.

I mean look at this shit. A Ratchet character, Sega’s rendition of Nurse Joy, and a cowboy that doesn’t do shit in the game (true story).

It’s making me cry! What potential could be derived from this drek of a toon? There’s literally nothing here. Even just to rant about, I don’t feel it’s even warranted. It speaks for itself. My interest in Sonic Boom was literally non-existent for a long time because there was literally nothing special beyond the PR/Shill hype. I mean hell, I’ve been proven wrong on the show even having any kind of chance, that shit’s ratings are in the crapper.

Going through the scenes, it feels as though the game has no sense of cohesion or enough exposition to explain many of the nuiances of the game. Sure you don’t need to explain everything, but when you get to a point where the main villain can pull shit out of his ass (like being able to use ancient technology to control a modern day robot like Metal Sonic without any upgrades or prior knowledge of Robotnik’s own weapons), tis the time to go right the fuck back to the drawing board. It’s bad enough that the characters try so hard to be funny at every single opportunity, but it’s even worse when characters are over-exaggerated and/or have zero personality whatsoever. IE Knuckles and Shadow being the exaggeration, and Sonic, Tails, and Amy having no personality. To make matters worse, characters will randomly use slang terminology with no comedic set ups (seriously, what the fuck does “SPIT-BALLIN” mean… and why is it used 1000 years IN THE PAST!?). These people know fuck all about comedic timing.

For comedy to work properly, there has to be a certain level of shock value and consistent relevance to the character’s personalities involved with the comedic situation at hand. It has to be smart and clever. Comedy gold requires intelligent use of situations. You know how some people can come up with some wild comments for some given situations like a bank robbery or a fight in a store? That’s how the writers should be thinking!

For example, take Jak 2 where at the beginning of the game, Jak and Daxter escape from a high level KG facility after nearly being killed by gun and cannon fire. Daxter’s choice of words?

Daxter: UGH! That’s too much excitement! I wish we were back in the country!

…Well that was funny to me. Or how about the scene in which Daxter (after facing misfortune of having a pipe stuck on his head after attempting to show off his strength) decides to let Jak pull a stiff lever. What happens is that Daxter still gets something dropped on him.

Daxter: “It’s a curse, isn’t it!?”

Or a better example, from Ice Age 2, you have a pack of vultures singing a song “FOOD! GLORIOUS FOOD!” talking about eating the main characters. But… the sloth or whoever gets the song stuck in his head and starts fucking singing it. “What? It’s catchy!”

THAT SHIT IS ACTUALLY FUNNY! Ok?! I don’t know who the hell the writers were but they have to be the most dull and lifeless mother fuckers to have ever walked this earth. The very first scene that they try to be funny in involves Knuckles not knowing the difference between left and right. Not only is this insulting to fans of the character pre-2003, it’s also not fucking funny or clever. You can’t do comedy without the right level of cleverness and creativity. It makes the writers out to be a bunch of dumb fuck shut-ins who haven’t taken a nice trip outside to get a breath of fresh air. Their brains could use a little oxygen for Amma’s sake. Otherwise, you wouldn’t be able to write for shit! Which pretty much explains the rampant idiocy of the plot. Why exactly is Shadow fighting Sonic in the first place? How the fuck can Lyric take control of Metal Sonic using outdated tech!? Why is it that Tails couldn’t prevent that stupid enerbeam to NOT revert back into a binding ring!? Infact, since the Enerbeams technically have “manual controls”, how is it that Lyric can still control them while not being able to do shit about Robotnik’s giant ugly suit!? Why do they try so hard to make Knuckles retarded beyond my wildest nightmares!? Who the hell is Cliff and what does he do that is any bit useful for the game?

I don’t even need to go over everything that’s wrong with the game. Everyone called it, and someone already saved me the trouble. This mother fucker deserves a medal and a lap dance from Nisha the Lawbringer. What really needs to be addressed is the amount of damage this further incurs on the franchise. This being “The year of Sonic” ends in a spectacular disaster to no one’s surprise. All people can really do is question just what is going on, and hope that some Capcom level of financial trouble bites them in the ass soon. All this corporation is doing is pissing on the grave. There is only so many times you can end the life of a once-beloved video game character before people ask “when will it die”? You know a series should end when more people are demanding it. If that’s Sega’s way of killing off the series by deliberately making people HATE it with extreme prejudice, then man, they’s be some vicious mother fuckers.

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