…….I think I’m gonna hurl.

I am a little… shocked. I didn’t expect people to still be commenting even though I’ve not posted a damn thing in the last….5 months, has it?

To reiterate and explain, I was renting out a new (read: 20 year old) house. Because it raped my pocket book, trying to get a laptop at these high ass prices (and the incredibly new experience of paying bills!)…… yeah. And… most of my entertainment money was going to used games anyway. Stupidly, I’m also living with a relative whom, in my deepest naivety, I decided would be the one to pay for internet as she is the one begging for it the most. Which I realize was a retarded idea as… she’s unemployed… and too lazy to find a job. Fuck me, right?

That being said, I’ve been out of the loop on gaming stuffs. Being on vacation thanks to the holidays, I’m visiting folks with internet for 3 days sooo… lemme stop blogging.

I can’t comment on Sonic Boom beyond having to shit myself with laughter with my coworkers at work over Knuckles’s design. 10 months in and it’s still ugly. Currently hearing that it’s just as shitty as I predicted it would be. Is it really more buggy than 06? Really? And before anyone asks, no I have not seen the cartoon. All I got is an antenna and RT International right now. I’m depressed as all get out. And very… very… cheap.

I did have a chance to play Smash 4 on a kiosk. As I’ve told one person thus far, the game feels smoother and slightly faster than brawl. That’s all I can really gather. The demo is so sparse. I tried Mega Man for a while, feels weird as all hell. I don’t know who’s idea it was to make Mega Man’s neutral melee the PEW PEW bullshit, and his smash attack the Mega Buster. It just makes him feel incredibly awkward to play. Speaking of awkward, I see Nintendo has a shit control layout for the game. Why in heaven’s name is X the jump button? I will never know. I can’t believe Mewtwo is supposed to be DLC (from a guy at work… who seems to be a total nerd).

The game’s roster looks strange and horribly planned out. As though there was no real thought put into it. I say that because of Freninja, one of the starter pokemon who has absolutely nothing significant going for it. Pikachu had the status of whored out mascot at least. Lucario has fans with bad taste, and Pokemon Trainer had Squirtle, the most bad ass starter of all! Freninja though? What was the point? It’s the most insignificant Pokemon to add. I mean hell, if you’re not gonna make Typhlosion a playable character

Then there’s characters like Robin who I assume no one knows and Nintendo just tossed him in for a chance to promote some lame ass game no one cares about. I was shocked that fucking SHULK from Xenoblade is in the game, so I’m proper pissed that the demo didn’t let me play him.

Even if I wanted to get the whole game for shits and giggles, my 2DS is busted. R button acts like it’s being pressed all the damn time. Wouldn’t be an issue if… half my games didn’t use the R button for something. Chaps my ass considering I forked over 100G’s for this thing… on sale. But my used DS Lites, Wii, PS3, and EVEN my damn PSP… works fine! New 2DS…. fucks up in less than 5 months. ARRRG I wanna bite Nintendo’s hardware division in the face! ALL the trouble shooting guides focus on that damn touch screen like anyone gives a rats ass about it! You’d think they’d fix this shoulder button problem from the original DS models a long time ago! 9 years of time to fix these problems, and a REFURBISHED DS LITE works better than this new bitch! It’s frustrating. I mean, The RSE remakes just came out and my shit is jacked up. I haven’t felt this level of frustration since my first Gamecube died.

It’s not fair… 😦

So… as usual, most of my game time was spent on consoles. The best thing about the Wii is finding games below $10. Which pissed me off considering most of them weren’t worth it. After all these years, I was finally able to track down a copy of Marvel Ultimate Alliance, it kicked ass. Ahhh… Marvel before Disney raped them to crumbs. Shit, they get taken straight to HELL in this game! That is how pimp Marvel was before Disney came in! I know ya’ll seen that Galaxy Guardians. Goddamn, they ruined Drax the Destroyer.

Anywho, before I go off ranting again, here’s a run down of all the tripe I’ve played up till now.

I’ve heard of these games for a while now and wouldn’t you know it? 5-9 bucks!? Shiiiiiiii!

Well, the first game is crap. Oh that’s a wonderful idea, assholes! Lets force the players to scramble through poorly designed minigames called “jobs” just so he/she can scrounge up enough money to progress the damn story! You know those moments in certain games where you have to accumulate enough capital to buy a certain item to progress the story? That’s the ENTIRE game of No More Heroes in a nutshell, and if that doesn’t sound fun to you, you’re not a hardcore gamer! And with that, I salute you for not being a fuck wit. This is probably a more tedious game than Skyward Sword… and I can’t even lie like that! Who in the graceful hell thought this kind of game would be fun!? Oh what’s that you say!? The real meat of the game is in the combat!? Well gee, that’s just swell, let me go around with these dodgy ass controls so I can decimate foes with ease… with the only challenge being that I take an extended break away from the action so I can run away… and shake the Wii Mote to recharge my sword just to get Travis Touchdown to look like he’s masturbating with his lightsaber 3 million buttfucking times in a… ugh.. *chuckles* “Masturbating”, “butt fucking” …I’m immature. Anywho, this is not good design for a plethora of reasons. One, in order to recharge your sword, you have to reach down and press the one button (it’s a nunchuck thing) just to get in buttpounding stance, the charge time for the sword is quite slow unless you take a break after you use like… 10% of the sword during a fight, you start facing enemies that can massively drain your sword in a matter of seconds, and using a motion control for something that juvenile in every fight is not only bad taste but also tiring. I assume that’s why every non-combat moment of the game is dedicated to time wasting jobs which is nothing more than the developer’s asinine way of padding out the game. If you’re not gonna make the… REAL game long enough to satisfy exactly why people play the game, don’t make it at all! Game length wouldn’t be a problem if the game had enough FUN stuff to do!

Now fortunately, Suda got the right idea that the first game blew enough chunks to fix damn near EVERY problem I had with it in the second game. No More Heroes 2 is pretty damn awesome. The combat is much smoother, the controls aren’t as wonky, you don’t have to perform stupid jobs to progress the story (just click on the next fight after each and every one), and the “jobs” are actually awesome now. They took a page from history and made them into NES styled games. Shit, now I WANT to play them all! And I don’t have too! They even have a job that plays out like Mach Rider. Goddamned Mach Rider! This game was officially awesome from that point on. Though you still have the fantastic nonsense of having to jack off your sword, you at least get new swords to play with… ahem, excuse me. Point is, this is a rare example (in my case, at least) of how a sequel can improve over the original without really losing the qualities of the original that people enjoyed (which is unfortunate as the content of the game is still pretty damn juvenile.

FPS’s on Wii are, in my opinion, quite terrible. While I’ve enjoyed the Conduit games, the rest of them have the essence of “no shits given” written all over them. Why? Well, it could be that the majority of them feel like they reused the same damn engine that came from Red Steel 1. And lemme tell you that Red Steel 1 is some aaaaaaaaaaaaaaass!!!

This was a launch title, I’m aware, so obviously it was gonna be pretty lame, but man. The story is typical but likable. Hot asian babe with the phattest ass is kidnapped by the yakuza, so it’s up to you to grab a beer and kick some rear. And I mean that quite literally. You get a simulation of what drunken sword fighting feels like.

The major “break through” for this game was showing off the Wii mote’s potency of creating a life-like tate (I think that means Sword Battle in japan or some shit?). That mission failed hard. Prepare to be frustrated to no end with how terrible the motion controls in this game are. And it has nothing to do with accurate sword swings. It has everything to do with why people hate Sonic and the Black Knight. The mother fucker won’t swing his sword as soon as you swing the mote! So it’s like a button motion, you swing at a certain velocity just so they can react half a second later. This was the same problem with Soul Calibur Legends and plenty of Wii games. Treating the motions as though they were a button press. It’s the core of why people thought motion controls were stupid and couldn’t replace face buttons and a good ol’ fashion controller for the thumbs.

But hell, even if they were any good, the enemies wouldn’t let you feel like a bad ass. See, combined with bad controls, you also have enemies that can kick your ass without even thinking. They can (and will) block damn near all of your attacks and do like 3-4 sword strikes that you won’t be able to block in time because trying to block requires you to flick the nun-chuck, but that shit reacts too late as well. So you’re just sitting there flailing your arms about like an asshole while the AI is just sitting there whoopin yo ass so hard, you’d think you were playing Ninja Gaiden. There was absolutely no reason for combat to be this tedious especially considering that motion controls were a “new trend” this day in age. It’s the one time I WANTED the game to treat me like a retard.

Outside of sword play is a little better. Regular old FPS combat where it feels like the enemies are bullet sponges. IE they can take bullets to every part of their body. The aliens in the Conduit games are pussies compared to the Yakuza! Even aiming at enemies feels like a choir. Still… much more fun than sword fights. The worst thing about the gun fights is praying to Amma that you don’t run into a random sword battle. In every level, after several gun fights, you come to random sword fights where there’s only ONE mother fucker in the room. When you finished, you get SWARMED with enemies, it’s just crazy and as nonsensical as can be!

As horrible as this game can be, there’s like… one level I enjoyed, and that was the one with the creepy talking rabbit in a fun house. It’s… pretty weird.

Now, again, another rare example of a sequel improving immensely on the original in every way imaginable. Hell, Red Steel 2 is the shit! Let me be the one to say that this is the only…. and I mean… the ONLY Wii game that has precise and accurate sword swings. Ubisoft put Nintendo to shame. Hands down, this game rocks. I don’t like the shift from an urban city in Japan to some crappy western setting. What I like is that they don’t lock you into a specific combat mode like in the first game, you can lash out with the sword strikes, or blast the bitches into smithereens. And it’s so seemless. You also get bitchin super powers and whoop whole sale ass that way too, if you want. The game is pretty short and the environments are the only really lazy part of the game. But if you wanted a sword fighter on Wii, man pick this shit up if possible. It is a BEAST!

It’s ass.

Now, I actually liked these games on the Neo Geo and otherwise. I used to show off my crappy math skills measuring just how to richochet a ball off the wall, bustin all kinds of moves, my fams were hatin…. yeah… this game’s…. kinda like that?

Idk what I was expecting. I love the Bust a Move games like crack, but this game felt… empty. Like there’s no meat to it. It just has 1 player and multiplayer which… is jacked up. Multiplayer isn’t like Tetris Party where each player has their own column to play in, everyone is jammed into one giant column where they kinda have to work together to keep the balls from collapsing. So if you were like a pro-beast-god (like me) and you had the perfect shots lined up, another player could aim where you’re aiming and completely fubar your shot! Goddamn that pisses me off! The game is incredibly sparse of anything resembling replay value and only relies on your complete love and dedication to the Bust a Move series to even marginally enjoy it. Puzzle games (the FUN shit, not the Adventure game bullshit) should have some tangible rewards for playing them over and over again. But this game has nothing. This really is a game for when you’re just bored.

I’ve never been a fan of music games… no wait, that’s a lie, I did buy that… DDR game with the dance pad and everything…… ok fuck it, I like music games. Just don’t give me any of that guitar hero bullshit. Course, the last music game I bought had licensed crap. If I had known there was a goddamned Beiber song in DDRWii, I would’ve cancelled my order! Ah well. Obviously bought Samba De Amigo because Sega was the only company producing anything worth while on  the Wii…. but I had no idea how addictive it was. It’s like every song on this disc is ear sex mang! Sure it’s licensed crap, but they’re also legitimately good songs. Sega has good taste in music, you’ve gotta admit.

I’ve not played the original on Dreamcast, but I can’t imagine doing so now. The way the game works is strange at first. Like… you gotta shake the wiimote and nunchuck at certain elevations and shit. It’s hard to explain, but it’s addictive! I can’t stop playing it for some reason. I’m A ranking every damn song I can play! Ya’ll gonna have to kick me off of this bitch! I’m having the time of my life!

There were plenty of other Wii games I’ve played, but the list would be too long. I’ll just move on to PS3 games.

I’ve never had a taste for turd person shooters. Their awkward over the shoulder camera shouldered with crappy controls turned me off from just about every game that was turd person. Starhawk contains… none of this, actually. It’s probably the only turd person shooter I like. And not because the main character is African. If I was that desperate for positive representation in a video game, I wouldn’t have sold it so soon afterward.

But.. yah, the game is nice. It’s so smooth, combat is bitchin, it has that element of strategy and ingenious ways of taking down enemies in your own special way, man, I’d put Starhawk on a list of PS3 games that you’d need to own.

So why did I sell it? Well, you see… I’ve played many PS3 games and have built up an enormous intolerance for dev/publisher practices that cry “bullshit” which tears at my ears and my balls. Many stupid practices abounds for this console. But none so great than the incredible… and undeniably fucking retarded practice… of requiring an internet connection…. FOR LOCAL MULTIPLAYER!

VG Cats - I can't believe it's not Updated_1367606609993

Read my lip… WORDS! You have to be ONLINE….to play OFFLINE MOTHER FUCKER! No coop for you internet-less bitches! You take deez 10 levels and SHOVE IT!!!

Words… could not describe… the level of my pisstivity. I enjoy coop, and a game that FUCKING ADVERTISES the local coop on the back of the box… should have it OUT the box! Don’t try to hamstring your bullshit “Online features” on a feature that should be fucking free! What’s WRONG with PS360 developers/Publishers?! Are they nutz!?

Nevermind the fact that without internet, you have access to absolutely NOTHING on the disc but the 10 level storymode that is shorter than the entirety of Sonic Heroes. So for the most part, you just have a blank slate.

It was such a nice game too.

Not the localized cover art

Buying PS3 games on a whim is a pretty stupid idea considering just how expensive these games are. Fortunately, EDF2025 was only about half the price of a new game… and not shit.

We’re talking a game that has 85 levels of alien blasting goodness. Tired of all those combat games with crappy missions like escorts, defending, rescuing and shit? Well get ready for a combat shooter that is ALL… ABOUT…. SHOOTING STUFF! The mission of this game is simple. Kill… fucking… everything! As long as you can get over that horrible framerate!

EDF 2025 is damn fun, but runs like shit. The frame rate in this game is the only really flaw (and some long ass load times to boot), but otherwise it’s fine. You have 4 character classes to choose from…. well only 2, actually. Because only 2 of them are usual. The Trooper is your basic soldier on foot… and then you have chicks that can fly (I forgot their names). The other 2 is the Air Raider that… has no actual…attacks. And the Fencer that is too damn slow to move. But w/e the case, the game feels like a slower Starhawk with giant bugs, robot, and alien space ships as your worst enemies. Shit, you have fucking DRAGONS to deal with as well! And the dragons are sneaky bastards that can snag you in their mouths from off screen! GAAAH I hate those bastards, up until I got my AF20 V. HOWZIT TASTE MOTHER

It has the issue of restricting you to using 2 guns, which makes the game more difficult than it needs to be as you have to really think about what guns you want to take with you on certain levels. It’s like Custom Robo in a way, the right combination of weapons determine your victory. Except only having 2 weapons is bullshit for a game that likes to swarm your ass with a buttload of enemies that, if you’re not careful, can rape you to crumbs in a matter of seconds. These bugs have all kinds of shit that can mess you up. Like the spiders. If those vicious fucking cunts snag yo ass in their webs, you are done for and should accept your inevitable defeat. There is literally no escape from that ass whoopin. If you ain’t got the right weapon to handle all of these different enemy swarms, it becomes literally impossible to win. But at least you can… EXPERIMENT with all of your different combinations and what not to see what works.

Overall, if you can get past the horrid framerate and restricted weapon storage, it’s a fine game in it’s own right. And yes, the spiders are assholes.

Considering my level of depression over Fergusion… and only having RT to watch which is depressing as fuck, there was only one genre I could pay attention to. The dreaded RPGs! To date, I’ve played like… 5 Tales games. Phantasia, Symphonia, Symphonia 2, Abyss, Xillia, and Xillia 2. Wait, that’s 6… shit.

I don’t really know what drew me to these games in the first place.

SHUT UP!!

I was in the whole “try something new” phase as I was getting tired of playing fighting games, and picked up Xillia on a whim. Instantly, throughout the first half of this game, I wrote it off as shit for having characters that felt pretentious and boring from the start. And for some reason, it came off as secretly stereotypical. Jude Mathis looks the most asian of the bunch, is a doctor and knows karate… or Bajiquan or w/e. Milla is probably some interpretation of how Joan of Arc would look if Namco was trying to make a hentai, and Alvin is a guy with a gun who’s looking for money. Obviously he’s American! The game’s story went no where and I got bored immediately. I put it down and found a copy of the Symphonia collection, but seeing just how dull Xillia was, I dared not make a hasty judgment! Of course, the Gamestop clerk assured me that this game was superior to Xillia in every way imaginable, and it was only $20. Fuck it!

Turns out he wasn’t bullshittin. Symphonia WAS better… up until you get to tellethia. No wait, that’s Xenoblade. The hell was it’s name, it’s… Tethe ALLAH or some shit. See, first thing they did right was make the characters a lil’ mo interesting. Despite being an over-exaggerated fuckwit, Lloyd Irving is a likable hero. And I swear that guy did the voice of Robin from Teen Titans. On a whole, the series is… funny. It’s hard for me to resist a game that has a good dose of comedy, and Symphonia’s got it at least. Story wise, it starts off better than Xillia, but then comes to a screeching halt when you get to the… the Tethe…dimension or w/e and the whole game starts to blow chunks. It feels like most of the dungeon design came straight out of Aonuma’s crusty arse, except you’re 100% more likely to get stuck at certain spots. The puzzles in these dungeons are not only tedious, they’re also incredibly illogical. For example, the Earth Temple has these midget fucks that won’t let you pass until you…. leave the whole dungeon…. to fetch some damn curry.

…….No, this actually happens. There is literally a dungeon in a video game that sends you on a little fetch to feed a midget. First off, the characters are twice his fuckin size. Considering how much of a smartass Lloyd, Sheena, Genis, Raine, and that pretentious ass Zelos all are, you would think one of them would have the bright idea to suggest “yo, stomp this mother fucker right here and now! He’s only like 1 centimeter high! COME ON! DO THE MARIO!”. No, you literally have to leave the dungeon, find some ingredients, go back IN the dungeon….. and cook the mother fucking curry! The world is in peril, I ain’t got time for this culinary bullshit! Let that midget asshole cook his own damn food!

The illogical stupidity doesn’t stop there. There’s Ymir forest, probably the worst goddamn dungeon in an RPG ever, has you trying to enter an elven village. But… a young boy who is sick… somehow has all the strength and willpower to stand up and block your path. he says he needs a special kind of fruit to cure his illness. but how do you get this fruit. It’s on a tree. See Ymir forest is basically just a lake with small islets and wooden bridges. You have these special types of flowers which act like whistles. You blow them to call on certain animals. You can call boars to ram trees, and fish to swim around. What you have to do is get a boar to ram a tree with this special fruit so it can drop in the water. THEN…. then, you have to call several fishes to… literally push the fruit all the way to where you can actually grab it. And, there’s a pretty elaborate sequence in which you have to call these animals and if you break the sequence in any way, you have to start back to square fucking one! And this process is long and dull… and boring. You have to constantly move around the dungeon to different flowers, call upon different animals to egh… it’s stupid… tedious, and completely unnecessary. And I DO mean unnecessary. You know why? There’s a character named Colette, she’s like Lloyd doormat love interest that everyone rightfully hates for being too damn nice. She has the power to grow angel wings and fly. Why is this important? The fruit the boy needs… is stuck high into a tree. Colette… can fly high! You see what I’m sayin!? Colette’s dumb ass could simply pick the fuckin fruit so we can take it to the sick bitch and move the fuck on!

Gah! This game started off so well, and as you progress, it just becomes more unbearable, and it feels like the game just drags after a while. The game starts producing way too many characters for you to keep track of, and the gaps between when you see these characters again are pretty long. I think there was some chick that Lloyd promised to rescue from some human ranch, and we don’t see the bitch again for like… 10 more hours of game time?! I forgot she existed!

And man this game knows nothing of balance in the difficulty. There’s no excuse for why the final boss is easier than the first boss or why certain enemies tend to jump up in difficulty at certain points. It’s an otherwise decent game that becomes shit about an hour in a half in. Which is a surprise to me as the game’s sequel (Dawn of a new world) happens to be leagues better. Sure, you only get 2 playable characters while the rest of your army is a bunch of Pokemon rejects, but it’s twice as funny, has reasonable dungeon design, and probably has the most bad ass villain this series has ever produced… second only to Dhaos, but still kinda awesome. The problem with the sequel is that it really is just a retread of old territory, there are very few new areas in the game, and worst yet, you have to revisit older dungeons and do completely revised versions of the last game’s puzzles (Lightining Temple, anyone?) The only good thing about that is that they’re nowhere near as wretchedly tedious as the BS Symphonia weaved for it’s players.

You might notice that I don’t talk about how all of these games play. That’s because if you played one Tales games, you’ve played them all. Well… except Phantasia, it kinda plays worse… but happens to be more awesome than the rest of the series. Why is that? Story is actually kinda… simple? Evil wizard threatens Time and Space. You, a knight of valor, takes on a few friends to kick his ass! Fuck yeah! None of this pretentious new age anime shtick where we overly philosophize the same damn concept of discrimination and repeat the mantra of “All life is precious”, fuck that pussy shit! Evil Wizard over there, kill dat ass! And it’s also a hilarious game too!

All these Tales games are comedy gold to a greater degree than I expected. I think Xillia gave me a crap perception of the series because I wasn’t about to give this shit a second look.

Then… we get to Tales of the Abyss. Now, you want a shitty Tales game, look no further. If you wanted to play a game where every character was an asshole, you don’t go to Jak 2, you go to this mother fucker right here. Honorable mention goes to a precocious little bitch called Anise. The fans can tell you why. But yeah, this game breeds asshole characters like congress breeds asshole policies like a rabbit. Starting with the main character named Luke. He’s a rich kid who’s forbidden to leave his residence because he was kidnapped years ago and lost his memory. And he desperately wants to leave. Which makes his asshole demeanor understandable… to a degree. But then, he gets warped out of the castle during a huge fight and bitches and moans about wanting to go home. Care to make up your mind, dipshit? He continues being an asshole until he sees someone get stabbed… and then he accidently kills someone… and starts becoming a pussy…. then relapses into an asshole when his personal trainer slash gay fantasy father promises to help him escape the castle so they can… live together, I guess. It’s… kinda dumb. The asshole tendencies all start with Luke and kinda spreads out to everyone else when Luke feels like he’s done something absolutely terrible… and it starts feeling like everyone’s taking advantage of his pussified state and relieving themselves of all that pent up rage… which kinda backfires when Luke starts feeling suicidal, and everyone is suddenly wanting him to not kill himself. The game can be summed up like this.

Chapter 1

Luke: My life sucks.

Other Characters: Yep, your life sucks.

Chapter 2

Luke: HEY! I’M ROYALTY! LISTEN TO ME PISS AND MOAN!

OC’s: Mmmhmm, Mmmhmm.

Chapter 3

Luke: I don’t wanna kill people. I’ll to behave a little from now on.

OC’s: Luke’s kind of an asshole, eh? But he’s funny at least!

Chapter 4

Luke: BLARGH I’M DE AMBASSADOR!

OC’s: Man, fuck this guy, seriously!

Chapter 5

Luke: NOOOOOOOO! I just wanted to save lives.

OC’s: YOU FUCKED UP YOU PIECE OF SHIT!

Chapter 6

Luke: Ok, for realz though, I;m serious, I’m going to behave now! Here, I’m gonna cut my own hair to prove it!

OC’s: Haha! You suck Luke! You’re such a retard!

Chapter 7

Luke: Man… I really suck. I’m a clone that only exists to ruin some other guy’s life or something.

OC’s: You’re also really stupid… and a piece of turd nuggets! Punk Bitch! No one respects you because wtf you’re our idiot!

Chapter 8

Luke: I guess… I have to kill myself.

OC’s: Yeah that’s ri… wait, if he kills himself, we lose our own doormat%$&# NO! DON’T KILL YOURSELF! WE LOVE YOU LUKE!

Chapter 9

Luke: It’s settled! I’ll save the world by becoming An Hero!

OC’s: YOU BITCH! FUCK YOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOU! STUPID STUPID STUPID STUPID!!

…It’s kinda like that. There are so many things wrong with Abyss, it’s not even funny. As I’ve said before, Luke does something incredibly  stupid that ends up killing an entire village of people which ends up with him being dissed by his peers… and then Anise reveals that she was a traitor to the group all along…. and everyone forgives the little shit. There’s also an overwhelming amount of technobabble…..

……Fuck… I got carried away with these Tales games. In the end, I went back to Xillia, finished it, cheered on for Alvin kicking Jude’s bitch ass across the field, got dissappointed by the ending, and checked out Xillia 2 in hopes that it’s actually an improvement. And it was. Instead of having some boring intro about a med student needing to get a permission slip signed, you get an intro about ASSASINS KICKING ASS! It’s so strange finding sequels that turn out to be better than the originals.

Usually, I tend to come to sequels that suck bitter ass.

It’s honestly the same exact game as the last one with better levels, movelists and music, and more characters. Still good.

I just know someone is going to say “Wow Heru, you tend to like games you shit talked before playing, maybe you should shut the fuck up and play Sonic Boom now!”

Yes, it’s true. I Like…. The Presequel. In a strange twist of fate, Gearbox or whoever actually seemed to mitigate whatever in the fresh hell was wrong with the damage scaling of Borderlands 2. Meaning the game is fucking playable! To an extent, more on that later. But lets take a look at what they got right.

The main characters have action skills that aren’t 3 degrees below whale shit for once (Only Axton’s turret was ever useful in 2), the Cryo element is probably the most helpful element introduced in this series (so much better than that stupid slag), slamming is also useful for shaking off melee enemies, you no longer have to rely on legendary guns to do more than tickle your enemies to death, and best of all, we finally get a vehicle that can jump! The game is probably the funniest in the series yet with humor that doesn’t try so hard to be an internet meme (admit it, BL2 humor wanted to appeal to the internet so fucking much).

What did they get wrong? Well, obviously the game has stupid DLC practices as the last 2 games, but more insulting is just how glitchy the game is. I have run into so many bugs going into True Vault Hunter Mode, it’s gotten to the point that I cannot even progress to the final boss!Yes, unlike Skyward Sword or Other M, you cannot accidentally trigger a game breaking bug. Shit just happens. So currently, I’m stick at this “Pass through the Breach” bullshit where Jack goes on rushing people and doesn’t bother to update my mission progress, the douche. It’s Pandora’s Tower all over again.

And the first thing they release is on-disc DLC for Handsome Jack at $10. Ain’t dat a B? Another thing is how much of a bitch Lilith has become, but that’s a different topic altogether. Presequel would’ve been better than #1 if not for the bugs or that piece of shit grinder that keeps giving me crap loot!

*sigh* That’s a basic gist of what I’ve been doin for the last 5 months, aside from freezing to death in my basement and tossing bricks at them singing cats. Dammit, I need to catch up on Mortal Kombat X and hope Boon is not fucking it up any further.

With that said, who expected Shadow the Hedgehog to be ruined so mercilessly in Boom? I sure as hell didn’t.

 

 

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