Not too uncomfortable to hold, but still sucks design wise.

I’ve recently bought the 2DS. …..Hey, it was on sale, and I didn’t want to wait any longer to get Shinobi. I have to say, I really hate how the thing feels to hold. It doesn’t feel like I can break the thing as I previously thought, but the shoulder buttons feel so awkwardly positioned. It’s like they put them at the very corners of the device. Not to mention it’s pretty fuckin wide. There’s no chance of it being a “portable” device. I also hate the “3D Pad”. It feels like a more comfortable PSP nub, for sure, but it also feels fragile as all hell. Like I can easily break it after a few hours of playing. Plus…. the Dpad. I sincerely hope the majority of games on this console won’t be 2D AND require the L button, because I can’t imagine having to strain my finger trying to press the damn thing. The positioning of the Dpad is so fucked up, man.

It’s like this thing was designed to piss me off! I feel like this is Nintendo literally saying “fuck you for not worshipping 3D!”. The thing constantly prompts me saying I can take 3D pictures but the thing 2DS can’t use 3D (like it really fucking matters). I’ll say one thing though, that AR reader is some neat shit. Pain in the ass to use, you can’t bend a damn card or else it can’t read it… period. Not even a slight “hump” bend. And the battery is shit!

Nintendo… Nintendo… Nintendo, I…. honestly, it’s not bad if you’re a 3D whore, but it really feels strange to hold if you want to use the Dpad. At least Phantasy Star Zero is easier to play :P. Overall, I can’t help but feel this thing was intentionally designed horribly. The battery life issue was not rectified, the crappy shoulder buttons, and you better have some fat ass pockets or even a purse. It’s… impractical.

This is a problem Nintendo has had since the dawn of the N64. The creation of controllers that have no practicality in regards to basic input.

Feels unnatural to hold a controller from the center. And the stick hurts like hell.

Don’t even think about fighting games on this bitch.

I wish playing Metroid Prime didn’t give me arthritis!

I think the biggest problem is that Nintendo only designs controllers to suit the games THEY wish to make, and makes nothing dynamic enough to fit all kinds of genres, and it really pisses me off when I try to play Primal Fury and after being used to the Dpad, I feel like shit trying to use these busted ass sticks. Cause the Dpad is in a crappy place. So I have to use some kind of Wii-to-Gamecube adapters to try and play this bitch, but the inputs have too much delay now! It’s either GCN or bust! And unfortunately there is no future for the series for me to care about better controls.

Other situations is playing the Conduit 2 on Wii, and I still firmly believe that this is probably the best way to play first person shooters…. until you realize you need to aim well, and doing that requires you put a lot of strain on your wrist. See, the Wiimote isn’t at all designed to be held like a gun, so what happens is that you bend your wrist further downward just to point at the screen, and holding your wrist in that position for long hours is going to fuck you up big time. Logically, you’d find a light gun attachment, but the dipshits at Sega or high voltage w/e the fuck you wanna call em, have controls mapped all over the Wiimote’s face. A button to Jump, Plus to ASE, just a whole lotta shit you’d have to reconfigure just so you won’t kill your wrist. Or position your body Yoga style so as to avoid strain anyway.

Lucky Bastard

Guess I’ll have to use Twin Sticks again…

Just using the 2DS (Maybe I’ll call it Bread Slice for the sake of having a good acronym) feels like the games designed for it won’t feel comfortable. Nintendo is not designing controllers to be dynamic. If not for the Wii having attachable controllers, it would be completely flawed.

Nintendo simply doesn’t think about these factors anymore. If you want 3rd parties, you need to design a console to be accommodating to their games as well as your own. You can’t design a console’s controller to simply show off hardware features and capabilities, and I am most certain Nintendo thinks of nothing else but showing off games that can “only be done with their controllers”. Is that why they’re so half-assed these days? I’m surprised the fucking classic controller exists!

Might as well be the Sega Pico

As you may well know, Nintendo has announced that they… now will be developing games specifically designed to show what games can only be done with the Pii U in order to show it’s value to customers. As many have already expressed, this is probably the dumbest idea they can think of. As one person put it…

Nintendo still trying to salvage the controller’s reputation rather than making quality software.

They aren’t thinking about the big picture here, they can’t seem to see beyond their own game design, and it’s been hurting their titles since the N64. And it’s going to be get much worse as showing off the functions of the Gamepad will inevitably mean showing off the touch screen… which is archaic at this point. Again, the company has had years to prove it’s viability, and they failed in that department. To give you a run down of just how horrible touch screen gaming is, consider the following.

Metroid Prime Hunters. An FPS on a handheld device is a bad idea for good reason. Visual awareness is borked on a tiny ass screen. But aside from that, FPS controls have evolved from Doom 2 where you now have the ability to look up and side step. These additions alone made FPS’s more complicated to play and kinda mandated the need of 2 different control sticks. Metroid Prime Hunters had no business showing up on a handheld in the first place. But ATI or whoever figured they could use the touch screen to substitute for the lack of analogs in that you use the stylus to look around and aim, while using the Dpad to move/sidestep and the L button to fire. It sounds bad in theory, and plays like ass in practice. It is dreadfully uncomfortable to play, and the need to use the same screen to select weapons, missiles, and morph ball would require you look away from the top screen and peek at the bottom to see what you can choose. Because you can’t “feel” any of the different options on a touch screen. You need to be aware of where your functions are at all times. This is why Iphone games can get away with this touch bullshit and Nintendo cannot. Eye contact with the screen needs to be maintained, but having to focus between 2 screens for options and combat is a pain in the ass. And even aiming is much worse in this game.

Did I mention this shit cramps!? The DS(lite) is simply too small to have games like this on it, and you’re playing one-handed with the stylus in the other, so you’re using more muscle and energy to hold and balance the DS in the air (because fuck playing this game on a table). It doesn’t take long for the position to start being incredibly uncomfortable. Imagine playing MPH on that big ass Gamepad one-handed.

But hey! What about IPADS!?

How many Ipads have buttons you need to press in tandem with touch screen controls on their games?

Nothing says “trying too hard” like Eiji Aonuma’s design team. In their misguided half-assed quest to prove the viability of the DS’s touch controls, they’ve revoked you the ability to use buttons. Instead, you have to use the stylus for everything. Just to make Link follow a fairy, scratching the screen to simply attack, use weapons yadda yadda. Who’s bright idea was it to make it so you couldn’t move without pointing to something on the screen? Not only does it make it difficult to move around obstacles and enemies, it also means you have to be very  precise so as to not accidentally swipe the screen too fast or else you’d make Link attack. Why should you care? Well, lets say there’s this temple you have to run through a million times… and there’s these Knights that are not to be fucked with. If you waste any time stopping, they will catch your ass and you will be very sad.

Even beyond the realistically limited controls, most of your time will be spent sailing by drawing lines and using tedious touch controls to contend with enemies and redraw your routes just to turn the hell around. For all of Wind Waker’s faults, it didn’t have busted ass controls in how you get to sail the crappy seas. Having to draw a line, watch as the ship moves, stop, redraw a line, and wait for this slow ass boat to turn around is impractical, especially if you’re trying to avoid being hit by enemy attacks or being invaded. Why? Because the idiots were on a mission to prove the viability of the touch screen, and instead made a game that is more uncomfortable to play than usual.

Best of E3 my ass

Castlevania Dawn of Sorrow. A game that could’ve been good. Could’ve surpassed AOS in many ways…. but fucked up completely. Not because of the touch screen, mind you (though it is involved), but they essentially made the same game, only with more grinding and worse boss fights. How so?

This damned thing here!

When you kill a boss I mean reduced to the very pit of death, you have a little minigame here. See that damn circle? Guess what? When you kill the first boss, you have to draw a V. Right? Right. See, you need to draw a near perfect V. If you fuck the V up, the boss regains health and you gotta fight him all over again, and then try to draw the same V. This is their “Magic Seal” system.

Some of these bosses don’t fuck around. Most of all that puppet master that could kill you in one hit. You are going to be seriously tired after dealing with just a few bosses, and your resources will probably be depleted (health potions, MP recharges), but you will be doomed if you do not draw these symbols perfectly, and they become way too complicated as you progress through the game. So the harder the bosses, the more likely you will want to be done with them. But the Magic Circle system is the biggest fuck you in Castlevania history. If you screw up just one inch of a perfect line, you have to keep fighting these bosses over and over again until you get it right. It’s made worse by the fact that you have to quickly get out your stylus and draw the symbol as fast as possible. If you fail, put it away quickly and re-orientate your thumbs to fight some more.

These are all absolutely moronic control schemes and gimmicks that have done more harm than they ever have done good. After a while, developers stopped trying to make the touch screen work and went back to making normal games. Touch screen controls simply are not practical.

I dread what kind of shit Nintendo is concocting because based off these experiences, I know for a fact that they will make very horrid control schemes in some vain attempt to “prove it’s worth”. They’re a lost cause.

Again, how does a video game benefit you? By entertaining you. How does the game entertain you? By being “fun” first and foremost. The shit I described is not fun. Why? The controls are not practical for playing a game. If the controls are not comfortable or practical, they create an artificial barrier to entry. People can’t enjoy a game if they don’t like to “play” it.

When the Wii was first announced with that controller, everyone was dumbfounded. We imagined how it would be feasible trying to use a tv remote to play any game on the Wii, especially that of Super Smash Bros. It wasn’t until after the attachments were revealed that people stopped worrying to death. You remember the PS3’s boomerang?

Doesn’t at all look comfortable to hold.

Sony changes the design back to the Dual Shock models almost immediately. Why can’t Nintendo do some sort of recall back to the drawing board?

As much as we’d like to believe so, they’re not idiots. Most hardware revisions, they take consideration into improving their devices in every area. 2DS still has terrible battery life. They don’t give a fuck. Nintendo has forgone the ideals of benefitting their customers, and their announcement of making games to prove the capabilities of the gamepad is pure proof of it. Doesn’t matter if the controls won’t be practical, Nintendo doesn’t care about practical controls. It’s the number one most frustrating thing about this company when they’re not jerking you over with USB ports you can’t use over some shit about “piracy” even though people can easily pirate the Wii with SD Cards anyway.

So uh… are the AR cards useful for anything else besides little virtual… figurine thingies?

Advertisements