Mario Kart TV… and Nintendo Figurines!

A few months ago, Nintendo stated that they would take advantage of smart devices to spread awareness of their games.

This is the first time I’ve heard, and I already call bullshit. How much more aware do people need to become of Nintendo games? The crap they have out now are the Nintendo games people already know about. Who doesn’t know what Mario Kart is!? Or New Super Mario Bros.? People know Nintendo enough to NOT go to them when the games aren’t worth shit anymore.

“Mario Kart TV” is the name of a feature in Mario Kart 8 that allows players to capture and share highlight videos of their races over the Internet, including via YouTube uploads.

This is hardcore pandering. Only the hardcore would care about “showing off” to random strangers over the internet. The hardcore is also wasteful of money. The only thing I see as a benefit is in Nintendo’s favor since they’re already cashing in on regular youtube videos, this new “Mario Kart TV” would make it easier for them to keep track of it all as it goes through them and not youbtube. Why not give people something they’ll actually use like…


Oh but you gotta pay extra for that. Fuckers.

In other news, Nintendo also plans to rip off the Skylanders franchise.

Nintendo president Satoru Iwata revealed how Nintendo plan to use their character I.P. for a new kind of business activity—figurines that can interact with videogames.

These figurines, Iwata said, will come with built-in NFC (Near-Field Communication) functionality that will enable them to be detected by the Wii U console’s GamePad controller, and will have different effects within the games they pertain to. The figurines are being codenamed “NFP”—short for “NFC Featured Platform” and “Nintendo Figurine Platform”.

Consumers will be able to buy and collect these figurines, and then use them with a number of software titles that will be released in the future, Iwata said. Figurines are being designed to work with multiple games on Nintendo platforms, including Nintendo 3DS, which will use a special NFC Reader/Writer peripheral for this purpose.

What’s interesting is, these figurines can not only upload data to a game, but can also read and download data from a game. Iwata said that this means you will be able to “customize your NFP to raise or train your own Nintendo characters

Good… fucking… grief! I seriously believe Smash Bros. has indeed warped their minds! Are they seriously trying to make CHAO!? I could’ve sworn that sounded like Chao.

This smells of desperation. I… I can’t even figure out what’s going through their minds with this feature. First off…

To serve as the first example of actively utilizing Nintendo’s character I.P

This is bullshit. You put them in games people want to fucking play. Making them into toys is stupid. IS that what the game’s industry is doing!? Going to toys and TV just to fix their fuck ups!?

Nintendo character figurines displayed on store shelved will provide exposure, raise brand awareness and provide an incentive for people to play videogames

Well, that answered my question! You know why toys get made from video games? Not to raise awareness, but to capitalize on the success of those games! You wouldn’t see Mario Toys if people didn’t want to capitalize off merchandise enterprises had Mario not been incredibly fucking popular. Likewise with Sonic the Hedgehog. Even Pacman! This ain’t the 80’s where shitty robots can sell your console anymore, the NES didn’t cost 300 cocksmashing dollars.

Now it all makes perfect sense! Why every console goes on and on about “TV”, they want to use television to advertise their games! How about actually… ADVERTISING THE FUCKING GAMES!?

Shit, now I’M confused! I don’t get this ass-backwards logic. If people wanted to play games on the Pii U, they would buy the console. Using toys to raise brand awareness is not going to get people to buy the Pii U. Only games draw people to a game console. If you believe making physical gigapets is going to help increase sales, then you’ve lost all business sense.

Hey, dumbass Sonic fans. THIS is the company you wish would make a good Sonic game!? THEY HAVE NO FAITH IN THEIR OWN SHIT ANYMORE! They’re resorting to otaku figurines to sell their products! Good luck with that fantasy.

You know what actually sells consoles?

Figure it out!