Well, I finally beat this game after several months of dissinterest. Ironically, that was the easiest final bosses in Sonic since Metal Overlord. I’m starting to hate this game all over again.

Afterward, I attempted to do some missions since developers expect you to pretend it’s actual replay value, plus I was trying to find out how to make all characters playable in each level. Like…. give towns folk 20 rings. How hard could that be? I love feasting on my words.

This is one of those “2.5D” sections that damn near everyone is sick of. And believe me when I say it is unplayable. Since the game has no option of allowing you to turn around, Sonic just stumbles about trying to walk back and forth across a giant caravan…. catapult… something. It’s mostly in 2D but feels less smooth than Unleashed Wii. So when I get to a section where you have these blue wind gusts (basically speeders) that shoot you onto a wall, you climb it (damn I hate this climbing shit, you can’t even jump off the walls, I swear) you get to the top and give the first person about 20 rings. But… the mission’s not over, so I continue onward to come to a gap, there’s a platform on the other side with some rings on it. That’s where the problems start. See, for some reason, Sonic cannot accelerate in 2D. He just walks with no alternative. So… we got a big ass gap to cross, how am I gonna gain any momentum to get over there? I figured since normally jumping would give me some acceleration (main game running usually… I think), I’d have a chance. NO! In mid air, he slows down even further and practically comes to a halt. So I do what any normal person would and do the homing attack. Now, I’m barely near the damn platform, like midway across the gap… but Sonic arcs over the damn platform and falls into another pit.

So… the homing attack like.. it has a slanted arc but it just sends me FLYING over the platform. I think nothing of it, so I try it again… missed… try it again, missed it again, after a while I said hell with this mission.

How about that? A game with… bad control design, programming flaws…. and now bad physics! Sonic cannot accelerate (or just fucking run) in 2D view for some reason, can’t  jump across a gap that isn’t even 3 inches long, and can’t slow down after doing the homing attack. And this is all in one mission.

So, I tried to ignore that and went on to a mission I could do with Knuckles “Rampage, kill 12 enemies”. I figured they probably had some tricky shit in store, and low and behold, I was right. Instead of using normal attacks, instead you have to use your meteor attacks or something. There’s this long corridor with a bottomless pit with red fairies in the mix, and that’s basically a prompt to say “WILD METEOR!” like some egyptian god card or w/e. So… playing as Knux, I notice I can’t even target the friggin enemies hovering over the pit. Idk if it’s this Knuckles is just programmed to… not work on this mission, but he has this long range attack where he flings his axes at enemies. The length between me and the enemies were non-existent so there shouldn’t have been a reason I could not target them. Oh, I can target the little electric balls next to me, but not the flying enemies over a gap. And I couldn’t try any jump attacks because Knux goes retard and does this slow dive downward, which would kill me in the pit. So I had virtually no means of completing the mission with my character.

It was Mega Man X6 all over again where the devs didn’t bother to test every level out so that certain characters wouldn’t be incapable of completing them. With that, I said hell with it and moved on.

I wanted to use the characters in all levels, but I didn’t know if that was possible so I tried completed another mission (Rematch with Shadow Lance or w/e) and this guy raped me to crumbs. It wasn’t because he was any harder, it’s this one part where I always get into a sword lock where you get a prompt to wiggle the wiimote to break the lock or something. Now, when it prompts me, I shake it, but I ALWAYS take fucking damage! Idk if there’s more to the prompt that I should be paying attention to but goddammit if it’s not annoying as hell knowing jumping attacks don’t work nearly as well as before because he has his patented Chaos Fart from Shth which knocks you on your ass  while airborne. I tried this piece like 6 times before my arm caved in, turned it off, popped the bitch out and had to restrain myself from snapping the game into 2 pieces.

I was wrong. This game isn’t fun at all. It’s literally an exercise in torture. There is no reason or excuse for this game to be so poorly designed to ever grace the market. Can’t even take the bullshit of being a “rushed” game into account. I’m still trippin that people keep bringing up Sonic 06. The entirety of Black Knight is nigh unplayable. You have to wonder what kind of deranged fuck would release a game like this, oh right. SegaSammy! It’s becoming much clearer as to why Sonic Colors got all this unwarranted praise. At least Colors is playable and doesn’t hurt your arms.

06-09 was truly the dark ages of Sonic games. After Naka left, there was just an endless stream of complete and utter shit being shoved out the door. If it wasn’t story book games, it was Sonic Rivals. It’s one thing to saturate the market with Sonic titles on a yearly basis, but shit!? You could smell that aeons into the future. Sammy was about to restart the crash with so many of their games de-listed.

Looking back at Secret Rings, it’s easy to see why people didn’t mind it as much. Gamers tend to let games slide if they aren’t as bad as a previous entry in the series (Read: GTA5). Beyond that, all developers had the excuse of “motion controls too hard”, I suppose. But now? This title is beyond fucked up. The only thing this game has going for it is a decent soundtrack… which is probably the last game in this whole series to have one at all. But outside of that is a game that is for all intents and purposes designed like ass all around. Secret Rings made sense for all the stuff it did…. well… except the sections where you’re stuck and have to walk around and solve puzzles or w/e (Freeing Sinbad), but otherwise it was an on-rails Arcade-like Sonic game, bogged down with petty RPG features mind you. Black Knight is just a mess. It doesn’t know what it wants to be and slaps in mindless and no-vision mission objectives without any real playtesting to see if it was actually doable! Who the hell is gonna have patience for a game like this? Praise Amma the Wii isn’t retarded with it’s save files (often).

 

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