That Story book mess at the right side compels me to run away!

Jokes aside, I’ve been playing more and more BK in some idiotic attempt to preserve w/e coolness Knuckles had left and seer it into my mind permanently.

Initially, I didn’t like the game in the same way I didn’t like 06 as the whole package just felt unplayable. After a couple of weeks away from the Piss Station, I’d have to change my mind. The game isn’t half bad. I mean… it is, but what can you do?

Now, this is a Sonic game that you can tell was just slapped together real quickly or some change and failed to get even get one shread of cheese, one, they didn’t even bother to program the sword swings to… however you swing the damn wiimote. At the same time, they spared lots of expenses on the worlds.

Wow… now THAT’S what I call “brown.”

Well, there’s a reason Sonic Colors was given that particular name, all of the Wii Sonic titles prior looked drab as all hell. Goddamn, the Piss Station is turning me into a graphics whore. Or maybe it’s confirming that third parties cared about their Wii games about as much as Metacritic cared about it’s credibility. What is that shit, every level is one fucking shade of color, with only a few areas painted differently! Idk what’s lazier, this or lost mind. Sonic games, even with Unleashed, were never this bland looking, and for a series that… used to have vibrant looking environments about 80-90% of the time, this… is bullshit. Even Sonic R looks better than this game.

With… a few exceptions.

Course, that’s probably due to the fact that the game takes place in a medieval setting, and since everyone rips off LOTR for medieval settings, they all tend to look like crap (unless you play some of those fruity ass Zelda games), but does that really excuse all this? Granted as you see above, there are a few decent looking spots in the game, but overall, green, brown, and grey is the most color you’ll get in this game.

You could see something like this from a post 2004 PC game, it looks that basic.

Eh, at least it has more color than The Last Story.

Getting away from my growing dark side, there are a few things I’ve started to notice when playing this game extensively (though I barely touched Blaze because fuck her, that’s why).

Bitch looks like she came out of Bomberman 64. 😛


The level of… fluidity in controls is actually character dependent. And I’m only talking character attacks as that is where the majority of complaints are focused.

When it comes to attacking with Sonic, there’s been many complaints about a delay in controls from the amount of time you swing the wiimote and Sonic actually attacking. However, you’re never gonna know how much time because Sonic has a tendency to switch his animations randomly for different attacks. It doesn’t even matter how you swing the Wiimote, Sonic will attack in his own way. He’s got about 3 attack motions standing still and one of them has this giant… fucking delay in the attack where Sonic kinda has to twist his right hand back before taking a giant swing to the left. Amma I hate that animation! The fastest thing alive can even swing a sword quick enough to matter.

Should not take longer than 2 seconds to dispatch a couple of spiders.


Not that it would as many of your attacks will come from when he’s got some momentum or when you’re airborne. This is where Sonic Unleashed Wii would’ve helped if you dared to use those horrid homing attacks on Nunchuck. Sonic’s spin slash will rape everything to crumbs without a doubt. Not that one should have to do so, it brings to question why Sega chose to put these long ass delays into the attacks. What’s even more daunting is how Sonic shows that he has the homing attack… but it only makes Sonic touch the enemy so he can slash his sword at close range (Why gimmicks are bad for Sonic).

Hate these parts.

Even more frustrating is the combat sections. You could be running, minding your own damn business then you just “bump” into some asshole who pops right up your face and what happens is Sonic is stunned and can’t attack momentarily which means… yes, you WILL get knocked out. This is easily the most infuriating aspect of the game, that single bump in which couldn’t possibly anticipate to happen unless you’re an alien or Japanese. Because when you’re stunned, you can’t attack and blocking seems to be disabled momentarily as well. Take the worst aspect of DOA and put no method of defending yourself if you get stunned. When you consider how difficult depth perception is in 3D combined with the camera being so far up Sonic’s asshole, it makes for a game that is more tedious than it needed to be.


Now on the other hand, as I’ve stated before, Knuckles is the best character to use. Why? NO… FUCKING… DELAYED ATTACK ANIMATIONS! Knuckles really only has one or two at best. Infact, swinging the wiimote furiously producing something akin to E.Honda’s uh… fist of ten thousand hells? Cervantes’s Fluttery… Sword of ass cutting? W/e, he kills enemies faster on the ground than Sonic ever could. While airbourne, that downward… bomber shit doesn’t work nearly as well as Sonic’s Windmill. But w/e the case, there’s a much better experience to be had playing Knuckles than anyone else. Shadow is about the same as Sonic with those delayed attacks and meteor moves. In short, the problems people have in delayed attacks come from Sonic exclusively as he plays like shit. The other characters feel more natural for this game

Speaking of which, you’re gonna forget you have those meteor moves as they’re not essential for anything other than taking down king Arthur.

How ironic that these guys never hit me when everything else does.

It’s already apparent that the game is running on Secret Rings’s engine, right down to the inability to turn yo ass around. This isn’t on-rails anymore, Sonic doesn’t just run automatically, you can walk around in your own pace, so why in the natural fuck can’t you turn around or even fiddle with the camera!? This is the primary issue with this game. For some reason, it still thinks it’s Sonic and the Secret, not even taking note of the fact that Sonic doesn’t run without your consent anymore. Not only that, but for some reason, even though Sonic has full 8way mobile direction, Sega couldn’t be arsed to program the fucking thing to let you walk straight if you wanted to. I noticed this when I was doing one of these missions where you couldn’t touch any towns folk in a cave where if I tried to walk straight, Sonic would move diagonally toward the damn townsfolk. Sega might be fans of philosophy professors because this game was designed to fail you at a moments notice. How do you not even bother to spend time programing the blue dork to walk in a straight line!? Goddamn Sega.

So you’ve already got design flaws, and then you have programming flaws. A deadly combination. I’m surprised blocking actually works in this mess. Now, while combat is definitely it’s weakest element as the attack delays severely hamper anything you do, the parts where you’re simply running around avoiding obstacles and shit… are ironically the best parts of the game. The characters move pretty fuckin fast. Aside from bumping into random enemies where Sonic has no breaks to speak of, it’s pretty fun rushing through large plains, volcanoes, and interior mountain ranges. The rate at which enemies spawn is ridiculous, however, so most of your time is spent in the crappy ass combat portions of the game. Idk what it is, but anytime a Sonic game seems to focus on combat more often, the games are less fun as a result, or BK’s combat just doesn’t fucking work well. Especially when concerning boss fights where these sadistic bastids decided to include QUICK TIME EVENTS! Great, lets assume every motion is just another button press yet again, Sega! Afterall, third parties couldn’t seem to get out of this mindset of configuring motion controls as if they were regular fucking button controls!

I shouldn’t even like this game as lazy as it is. Shit, they even reskinned Sonic’s pose on the back of SR’s box… for BK’s back of the box as well! Even the content is dry from the very title it was given. “Sonic and the Black Knight”? Honestly, anyone with a brain could tell you “Sonic Blade” sounds way cooler, or even “Sonic Slice”, fuck it. My question is where did the team get the idea to create a bunch of “story book” games for Sonic? If anything could be any lamer than a sub-series of Sonic games being more castrated versions of pre-existing reading material that dates back to Amma knows how long, it’s also a series that seemed intent on shouting overly-simplified morals as well. “What’s the point of a world that goes on forever?”, well Idk, maybe it wouldn’t create the “diasporic” mess that everyone seems to be in or claim to be in. With so many people trying to erase history from more than just pages, I’d say there’s a pretty big point as to prolonging the health of future generations, even to ensure that there IS infact a future generation aw fuck I’m rambling about shit no one cares about. Anywho, I can’t really find any dirt on why they decided to take this turn with Sonic games aside from one interview that pisses me off to even bother quoting. All it says is “we want to do fellatio with little children” which is enough to send facebook foaming at the mouth. Though I do like this one bit.

I think that the users are always right. They’re the ones paying the money and playing the games. If they don’t enjoy it, they’re not going to buy it.

…….Why does everyone diss him again?

For the improvements, I can’t think of anything right now off the top of my head. If I think of any ideas then Sonic Unleashed 2 will be the time for that, so I don’t really have an answer for that. But you will see the Werehog again.

Oh…. yeeeeeeeeah.

Even more revealing.

I confess that I’ve always wanted to see Sonic holding a sword.

Perhaps most challenging was to make Sonic have a sword. I had to hold on to the Sonicness. If he loses that as a result of having sword, then it would be preposterous.

Ok, so that was really just his own desire that put Sonic into lame content. Still doesn’t explain where the idea of a “Storybook series” came from. This name only came up with BK announced.

I mean… these games had good soundtracks, but the rest of the game just didn’t… fit in. Like it was struggling to prove it’s own masculinity or something. Eitherway, exclusively playing as Knuckles seems to be the only reason to play this game. At least he can fly over enemies and not have to deal with them either way.