(Random thoughts: Can’t believe them mother fuckers at Amazon are posting up Metacritic scores. Say good bye to REAL opinions and hello to dumb ass numbers dictating people’s gaming purchases. Metacritic is officially the Google of game reviews)

L to the O to the L.

This may be the worst example of ignorance I’ve encountered in video game discussion.

(Come to think of it, revisiting the old games is actually a wildly disappointing endeavor. Here’s a confronting idea: what if the Sonic franchise was never that good to begin with? As he wheels through golden loops and collects rings in our memory, the real-life classic Sonic gets stuck on invisible pixels, makes frustrated leaps endlessly upward among spinning columns that loom just out of reach. The irksome sounds of his repetitive, fruitless jumping – woop, woop, woop – join the rough hiss of his “spin dash” engine revving, weep-weep-weep-weep, in an impotent sound collage.

Sonic gets fired like a shot into the impossible depths of violet liquids and dies, choking open-mouthed. His loyal buddy, the flying two-tailed fox Tails, bumbles off-screen regularly and gets crushed obliviously beneath pillars as the sour-faced Hedgehog struggles uphill, leaps awkwardly toward platforms that lurch away. The primary rival is a mustachioed man who looks like an egg, prancing on tiny legs. Nonsensical robotic machinery and casino lights colonize the natural landscape, jarring.)

The whole point was to reach those ‘out of reach’ places, you know, because running through loops with no challenge or interactivity is a terrible game [proven by the shallow third dimensional sequels].

The model was a genius system that provided an incredible sense of exploration and freedom that was impossible prior to 16-bit consoles, providing rewards of either quantitative or qualitative [feeling of speed] nature in gigantic maps of branching complexity few titles reach even now.

SEGA bought the marketing and emphasized ‘speed’ in 3D, creating the exact opposite experience.

The thoughts here are a disturbing reminder of how far game design fell as big companies found that technology would create unprecedented opportunities to celebrate shallow banality. Perhaps Sonic requires purchasable physics tweaks so you can reach those annoying platforms for the low price of 1 dollar, and anything requiring player thought should include a way to progress through brain draining grind.

But in the next of those paragraphs you criticize the wildly inventive and artistic environments as ‘jarring.’ Seriously? Mario and Sonic depend on those fantastic environments.

Most of the post is a wordier version of the same nonsense you could find on the worst of the boards on the internet, frequently debunked but popular because FURRIES! Interesting how you see people explore kinky fan labor only when the series under discussion is criticized.

This man needs a medal.

The Guardian, one of the more well known news papers from the brits, has been around since the 1800’s. Having had the second most popular website in 2011, it’s probably best to assume their readers trust their shit. Of course, game journalists are also on this site. Leigh Alexander only has 2 articles on this site. And reading the mess she wrote, we should be grateful.

An anonymous had shown me this article she had on Sonic fandom in which the fans have “subverted the franchise”. I’m a little irritated at the recent spike in journalism’s desire to berate and criticize this one fanbase time and again. But how far does this one go?

“Sonic fans are fetishists, they like to draw porn of it”.

Now… I’m aware game journalists don’t know what they’re talking about half the time, but in an article that tries to dissect a certain fandom, why is there such a huge focus on the sick shit people tend to draw?

Course, I think I’ll do what one of the commentators suggested.

I can’t be bothered to list the problems and bias of this article. I have better things to do with my life.

True dat. See yah.

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………….But something bothers me about this. I don’t have enough fingers on hand to count the overwhelming amount of articles that go on tirades against Sonic fans in particular. I mean, I’ve not seen ONE piece of writing that rips Nintards a new one, I’m positive the FGC rubs more peeps the wrong way than any other gaming community out there, and Amma knows those goddamn PC gamers need some scientific research into why they’re douche bags toward people who just enjoy playing with their thumbs for fuck’s sake.

Why are we in particular getting so much flak?

I’m resisting the urge to claim Sega is paying these fools to discredit any critic of Sonic Boom or Sega’s recent unwarranted changes to the series, because thus far we’ve had Kotaku, Destructoid, Stadium and several other spots up in the arse of this one fanbase. It almost seems deliberate,  like anytime the fans are in an uproar, these sons of bitches are quick to lay the juvenile, condescending smack down of ad hominim. “Oh, don’t pay attention to those guys. They draw furry porn!” is what I’m reading from this thing. Why don’t Pokemon fans get blasted on for masturbating to Gardevoir? Or Digimon fans for that yellow… fox thing? Hell, there’s even some nasty shit involving Krystal from Star Fox. It’s as though only the journalists can see Sonic porn.

Rafei: “Damn, I wanna fuck that!

But, beyond that, I see the same arguments crop up in most of these things, and the most common one happens to be the whole “cartoon hedgehog” argument. I don’t know how being a “cartoon” makes any difference. People have often taken cartoons seriously in the past. South Park naturally sparked controversy for being fowl shit. Boondocks obviously struck a few nerves (kinda got a kick out of Will I M getting mad at the Obama episode). Hell, we got grown ass men having conventions dedicated to fucking My Little Pony characters. And Anime fans will not stop after their teens to dress up as some half naked big eyed loli at conventions, not to mention the nerds that buy up all Gundam kits just to feel as though they have lived. Cartoons are definitely not some “special” entity in which people can wave away as something of non-importance. I mean, they aren’t a high priority for people’s lives, but it’s obvious that no, cartoons are not exempt from the “why so serious” card. But even going beyond that, no one cared if kids cried when Bambi’s mother died. Cartoons have struck emotions with people in the past. The most prominent example being the goddamn Lion King. Others might be Wall-E. If the death of a fictional lion is worthy of tear jerks, then a black hedgehog who died after popping lizard zits is worthy as well.

…..Shit, these assholes ALL cried when that bitch Aerith died. And hey, people took a cartoon green ass MONKEY seriously when it was announced to be on-disc DLC. I don’t get this shit with making Sonic out to be the exception of what people cannot be “serious” about. We’re talking about a mother fucking “video game icon”. Not too many video game characters carry that label, have a few bumps in road, and STILL be relevant to some mother fuckers. If people still raise hell over what’s going on in recent installments of the Sonic franchise, then dammit there’s a reason for it. You don’t see too many people being pressed over the indefinite cancellation of Mega Man games or Pac Man’s awful new merchandise driven enterprise. The only “cartoon” game characters people give a damn about are Sonic, Mario, and Chun-Li. Mainly because these games have touched people and made gaming relevant to them. It gave them a reason to be excited to turn on the game box and just play shit even though they might be wastin precious time. Something about grabbin rings and eating mushrooms to grow ten sizes higher is enamoring to people.

Sonic games are shit today because the company in charge does not give any ounce of a fuck about them. This is why fans are consistently pissed off. They’re not being serviced and they damn well know they deserve better for sticking with these ungrateful cocksuckers for the last 20 mothah fuckin years, even when Sega is DESPERATE to replace them. Writing off any concern as being too serious about a “cartoon hedgehog” is a disservice and an insult to not only Sonic fans, but any fanbase that gives 2 inches of a fuck about ANY franchise containing playable animals. If Pokemon started being shit, watch what would happen and I guarantee, the rage would not be quenched. And I know Pokemon fans are too damn loyal to Nintendo to take anyone’s bullshit on the matter.

Secondly, the shit about “a hedgehog fighting some fat guy shaped like an egg” is an argument that casually occurs over the internet. The rebuttal for the “cartoon hedgehog” argument applies, but let me go a little further. The relationship between Sonic and Robotnik has never been silly. In fact, it’s perfectly reasonable.

Why does fiction exist, first of all? Where does fiction come from? The imaginations of people. But how can people have an imagination? There has to be a “base” for imagination to occur. So in order for fiction to exist, there has to be a spark of imagination based on what? Reality. What is the base reality of Sonic’s battle against Robotnik? Think about Bugs Bunny’s relationship with Elmer fudd. He’s a rabbit that could be chillin but has to contend with asshole hunters who want to kill him for sport. There’s a film called Ratatouie that has the mice seeing that humans actually kill rats in order for the main character to understand that he cannot be friends with a human chef.

Shit like this shows the perspective of human nature from the eyes of animals. In that humans are bastards. Bastard covered bastards in bastard filling. Humans do a lot of detrimental shit to animals that they don’t notice or care about. This is obvious, I mean, we catch em, take em out of the wild and hold them up in cages for exhibits and prying eyes of other humans. We hunt them, we eat their asses up, or we tranq em and tag em with some shit on their ears, but most importantly, we test all kinds of deadly chemicals on them or use them for detrimental experiments. Robotnik fits all of those criteria, does he not? He hunts animals, runs experiments on them, tortures them, and domesticates them (roboticizing) to hunt other animals like a pack of hunting dogs. So Sonic would be the animal that tries to combat the bastard humans. This is an age old trope that continued with Crash Bandicoot and to some extent, Ratchet and Clank.

Fuck me, it’s not like Yuji Naka and Naoto Oshima got stanko one night, fucked a fat bitch and came up with the idea of a fat guy to be shaped like an egg, that’s just a distinguishing feature they made so the characters could stand the fuck out. Sega had a lil’ more sense back in the day, give them some credit. Do hedgehogs not naturally curl up into tight balls as a defense mechanism? Do their spines not hurt? Dumbasses online CONTINUE to fail to understand the logic behind the concepts that go into Sonic the Hedgehog and pretend to think that everything about Sonic is some cracked out Japanese randomness when everything that went into Sonic made more logical sense than a plumber entering a kingdom filled with demonic turtles and excrementals called Goombas. There was a base for a lot of the ideas that went into Sonic prior to SA2. Goddamn, I wish mother fuckers online would think sometimes.

Pet peeves aside, as of writing this, I’ve already figured out why there’s so much crap like this online is because people perceive low quality items as less of a priority and feels disturbed by those that care a little too much. “After all, why cling to a decaying icon”? Unfortunately, nowadays being a fan of something that is almost universally perceived as low quality is to be equated to that of a mental dissorder. How many times have people claimed Sonic fans were autistic based off one video of some screaming child that goes “WHAT THE FRICK” in every line he speaks? That said, people write off a series with a bad reputation as unimportant, and have a huge tendency to make a mockery of people who care. “Just leave it behind and move on” is what people keep demanding.  Course, when it becomes their business, we’ll ask for their advice.

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