….Nah… too easy…

This is the last time I have an open mind for any game.

Bought Chronophantasma at half the price (Shit ass Injustice was good for something, at least) so as to avoid buyers remorse just in case I hated the game.

While I don’t outright hate it (music and stages wise), the game is not deserving of the category of “fighting game”.

I have no idea why this company, the very people who crafted dat smexy ass Guilty Gear series, would concoct something so apocalyptic-ally retarded in this universe. I will deny that these folks had anything to do with this series or ever claim that Guilty Gear fans were quote “too old to play video games”. This series is the epitome of what’s wrong with Japanese entertainment in general. The baseless and unappealing characters, the strong emphasis on story above all else, the pretentious emphasis on “creativity”, it’s all here wrapped up in a $50 game.

First off, the content is full on animu shit stain levels if it’s not obvious already.

The game doesn’t even want to convince me it’s a fighting game. As soon as you boot the game up, more than likely your balls will shrivel up from the horrors that await.

Before I delve into it, allow me to show you what a fighting game intro looks like.

The intros are supposed to get you pumped up! Hard rockin (or rappin) soundtrack combined with characters dukin it out, showing you just how beast this shit is supposed be. Fighting games are supposed to get the adrenaline kicked up. Get amped for this shit.

Instead… we get this

Uh.. I’m sorry, I wasn’t aware I was playing one of those puss ass RPGs. Please direct me toward the nearest fighting game. What? This is supposed to be one? I was previously unaware that the homosexual community got a hold of fighting games too.

Excuse me, what the fuck kind of intro is THAT for a fighting game? If you wanna pull that animu shit, at least make it awesome.

You know what that is? This is testicular fortitude. It’s a damned NECESSITY for fighting games. How ironic that both these games are made by the same company. I guess they have 2 specific fighters for boys and girls.

This intro causes me to RUN THE HELL AWAY as fast as humanly fucking possible. The moment I heard the jpop vocals with blondie’s big ass eyes on-screen, I slapped a jack hammer to my crotch, shattering spheres. There’s a limit to how liberal a fighting game should be . What am I supposed to think when a fighting game looks and sounds like it’s going to be terrible before I start playing it? And this is a western release. What happened to the days when localizers knew Japanese tastes are a DETERRENT to western tastes when concerning presentation? Otaku nerds would have you convinced that this is “good” for our image of being respectful of different cultures, but that should only be in regards to different peoples, NOT their fucking tastes in shitty entertainment!

But the horrors don’t end there. I was not prepared for just how animu this game was. Guilty Gear, by comparison, was quite tame in it’s influence. It certainly had crack induced character concepts and designs, but they all worked for the dark scifi world the characters were present in. Blazblue has designs just for GP. None has to look further than squirrel bitch.

= stupid!

What is that shit? Obligatory big ass titties with what looks like a cross between a cat and a Sentret from Pokemon combined with the tiniest skirt imaginable which might as well not be there, belt buckle straps that tie down absolutely nothing and the potential excuse being that it allows her to move around much better?

Normally, as perverted as I am, I wouldn’t mind, but it looks so goddamn stupid I’m actually offended by her mere presence. This is a poor attempt to claim the “resident slut” badge from the Chinese woman in this game who quite frankly doesn’t manage to pull it off either, but when you learn that half the female characters are all gunning for that badge, you find out soon just how shallow the character designs are. And not just the females, even the male characters look like they came out of a try-hard anime convention.

Unfortunately, he’s supposed to be the main character

What’s this asshole? Typical shonen spiky hair reminiscent of Yugioh and Cloud Strike? Mean stares? Heterochromia to give off the impression that he’s “mysterious“?  Generic Kunio jacket to give off some “badass” persona with lots of belt straps above and below? BFS ripping off FF7’s buster sword? But most offensively, he’s wearing an aikido/samurai skirt with all that crap over it to give off the impression that he adhere’s to the “warrior’s spirit” of feudal Japan. This isn’t “badass”, this is over doing it. A person who knows dick about character design should not be able to pick apart how retarded the characters look. And unfortunately, he’s one of the few characters that actually LOOK cool in the game, which isn’t saying much when most of the competition looks like this.

Magical lolis have never looked worse.

Hey, we in Japan liked Harry Potter, but he wasn’t “blond” enough for our tastes and he grew up too fast, so we put him back in 10 years old, gave him shorts and a crappy top hat! IT’S TO EMPHASIZE HIS MAGIC POWAHS!

OH SHIT! IT’S NINJA GAYDEN! How is he supposed to be quick and stealthy with that big ass nail on his back?

Oh hey. Hellboy auditioned for the game as fighting games need guest characters for some reason, but the whores at Darkhorse threatened to sue us, so here’s a red Oni throwing up gang signs.

The new Bedman in Xrd honestly looks cooler and fits in with the game’s “weird shit” theme pretty well. None of these characters seem to fit….. anywhere in this game. Blazblue gives off the impression that it’s supposed to be a sci-fi version of medieval fantasy or just a series about magic, but tosses in squirrels, ninjas, Japanese school bullies (or whatever the hell Azrael is supposed to look like), military women with booty shorts, etc. Infact, it seems like all the female characters were designed with the distinct intent of having one of the resident cat bitches comment on their bad design choices. There’s a story mode in this game (more on this later) in which they bring this up in some horrid attempt at comedy because due to the Japanese’s bad taste in everything, pointing out how stupid someone looks is somehow supposed to be entertaining rather than informative. I assume this inspires those bastids to make shitty designs on purpose with the implicit intent of making fun of them for some reason.

And when they’re not busy being shit, they look too similar to another character in the same game. Like Mu-12 but uncomfortable with the fact that it looks like a naked robot? Here’s Nu-13 fully clothed but still having plenty of ass shots along the way. There seems to be no real base or inspiration for these character designs, they’re just thrown in there without rhyme or reason.

So then we get to the question of who these people are and why they’re fighting. In a strange twist of logic, the remarks about how deep and well told Blazblue’s story is had be baffled from the moment I started story mode. Me thinking it would be as good or as reasonable as MK9’s or even Injustice’s story modes had me feeling pretty retarded once I actually got into it. Instead of something reasonable, you instead get a visual novel where you read…… and read…….occasionally have a fight…… and then read some more.

Blazblue’s story mode is the single WORST mode ever in a fighting game. Taking it’s name literally, you simply sit down and watch characters beef with each other over lots and lots of jargon.

And occasionally sit down to fucking eat dinner.

As soon as you start episode one, you’ll get shit about “lynchpins” and kaka clans and some apparent beef Ragna has with little girls.

Not knowing what in the fuck was going on, I knew I was going to be lost as hell so I figured some time spent “researching” on the internet would help to clarify. But then… I noticed the game had a mode which was supposed to recap events that occured in the first 2 games. I figured “killer”!


Dafuq is dis shit!?

Oh lawd, I just knew I had chosen the option to go straight into the depths of christian hell. Instead of maybe a few paragraphs detailing events of the first game or something tangible like Soul Calibur’s museum features, you instead get another damn visual novel presentation where the characters are drawn in the style of 5-year old children’s drawings in which the characters are turned into midgets (what the otaku refer to as SD or “chibi”, whatever the fuck that means to me). And instead of giving me the info straight, they choose to DELAY that info in favor of stupid comedy involving Taokaka (cat bitch) and her memory loss or how she refers to Litchi as “boobie lady”. Or implying that Ragna and Jin (the Ky Kiske knock off) have a homosexual relationship with each other. All the while taking up way more precious time and them not really explaining a damn thing about what the character’s motives are. I just get game lore which in itself is not interesting. Blah blah “Black Beast” destroys world blah blah six heroes kick it’s ass blah blah, humans invented magic, tyrannical dictatorship, civil war, more jargon than I needed….

The whole shabang looks this boring just by one screen shot

Fortunately, story mode had a skip button so I wouldn’t have to bother learning anything about these idiots. Unfortunately, Story mode was “split” into 3 different “paths”, each containing their own number of episodes, all of which I had to suffer through before I could finish. Even with the skip option, this thing has worse pacing than The Dark Knight. I don’t even know if there IS pacing. Another thing that’s annoying is that the story has mixes of time travel intertwined within each path, so not only is the story convoluted enough as it is, you know have to guess which time frame each story takes place in. All this equals “not worth giving a damn about”. This legitimizes the SRK mindsight of story not being important in video games. If they’re gonna be as long, drawn out, slow, and as boring as Blazblue’s, none should even bother

What’s worse is that some story paths have optional “paths” in themselves, so if you choose the wrong option, you get some parody ending that literally leads nowhere… and if you want to continue, you have to go through that specific episode all the fuck over again… and choose the other option. There is absolutely no reason or excuse to have obnoxious elements like this in a game when the parody endings are nowhere near the boundary of “funny”. Even more obnoxiously is the concept that you have to lose some fights in order to continue through the story as well. Nevermind how RARE the actual fights are in storymode, now you have to guess which fights to throw in order to progress. Cause enemies in story mode don’t put up a fight for shit. I could be standing still and in 2 second intervals where the AI just up and decides to attack for once. And then there’s one fight where you have to literally stall until time’s up. You’re never given any indication as to what in the fresh hell you’re supposed to be doing throughout story mode’s insanely low number of battles, the game just up and expects you to know you’re supposed to wait for a countdown.

Hands down, Blazblue contains the absolute worst story mode in any fighting game in the history of fighters. Even SC5 is more barable than this crap.

And I’m doin this all for one specific character… ONE… character.

Yes, the one using a boat paddle for a weapon.

Yeah, one of the other “ok” looking characters. Unfortunately, he’s also a piece of shit. One of those gimmicky “stance” characters popularized by Hworang of Tekken out of the assumption that “stances offer depth because you have to memorize everything about the character to pull ’em off”. Not to mention he’s slow as hell.

That goes into what really makes this game a non-fighter. It’s pathetic, piddly ass roster of characters that are drowned in gimmicks as well the vapid “fake-depth” universal fighting systems with so much jargon to memorize, it could only pretend to be deep. The type of non-sense that amateurs do when they go on some misguided quest for “creativity” by making bizarre design choices. For example, Tager can magnetize his opponents simply by hitting them, then pressing buttons to bring them in close. Why? Because Tager’s big ass can’t dash. Even Potemkin could dash backwards, Tager’s just too heavy. But his animal magnetism and long reach should “balance it out”. Then I see him near the bottom of the tier list (gee, I wonder why?). Then you have characters like Hakumen who can’t use a single special attack until his meter charges up. Apparently Hakumen is supposed to be designed around the premise of stalling and turtling his way to victory. Whatever the design choice, expect many of the characters to rely on meter charging just to do anything.

A gimmick in a fighting game does not contribute to strategy in anyway, it’s just there to make people think the game has depth. Compare to Smash Bros. Lucario, Olimar, and Pokemon Trainer. These characters are based on gimmicks. Lucario can’t do damage unless he gets his ass kicked (the precursor to SF4’s shit ass hyper combo system), Olimar needs to rely on poor little fucks to do anything in regards to attacks, and PT can’t switch out too often with his pokemon or else he gets some sort of penalty or something. They add nothing to the game aside from micromanagement, and for a game like Smash Bros., it’s incredibly distracting.

Fighting games should not revolve around gimmicks, and Blazblue drowns itself in it. The creators mentioned wanting each character to feel like you’re playing a different game each. That’s dangerous thinking, because if the characters are designed wildly as they are, then the only things newbs are going to do is button mash and do the same shit they would be doing in Guilty Gear, not giving a shit. Character uniqueness should not come from idiotic gimmicks like “needing meter for special attacks”. It comes from individual abilities and traits. Lets look at MK9. A lot of characters can teleport which reduces the appeal to “creatively centered gamers”, but each teleport is vastly different and unique to each character, fitting in with their style of fighting without coming off as clonish as anyone else. That and unlike previous MK entries, the characters actually have definition within their movesets, and none of them rely on gimmicks (well, except Kratos with his retarded quick time events).

Contrast with Blazblue where characters are designed with the intent and dependency on their gimmicks. Tager NEEDS his magnetism just to get close to his opponent, but that creates a big problem, why? If Tager cannot catch his opponent, they’re free to zone his ass out. He’s fucked, basically. Oh sure, magnetizing opponents and drawing them toward you sounds cool… but it certainly doesn’t play cool. You essentially have half the cast being handicapped by their contrived personal fighting systems while the other half might as well have been guilty gear characters. Some of them get pretty bonkers as well. Who the fuck is Izayaoh and what does changing the color of her sword do that’s one ounce of benefit to her ass kicking prowess, if any? Oh we have litchi who can spam her “drop weapon, return weapon” nonsense to her hearts content. I wouldn’t fault Aksys if the gimmicks were merely for show and just to do cool stuff (like Hellsing changing into a wolf), but having certain characters being dependant on their gimmicks is a big ass no no. Injustice is much better about this even though that game is worthless.

Beyond that, the game is merely a slower Guilty Gear with the same stupid jargon like “negative penalty” where you’re punished for blocking, apparently, drive moves, astral heats, barrier block, barrier burst, rapid cancel, you know, all the usual 2D fighter bullshit no one cares about, but is necessary to not get creamed “online” like it really fucking matters. It could pass for a rich man’s doujin fighter, that’s for sure. The funny bit is that people who claim to hate fighting games seem to be drawn to Blazblue like a westerner is drawn to asian culture. They know dick about it but love it because the Asians are good at deceiving people about the “beauty” of their utopia. A lot of Blazblue fans don’t even care about the game itself, but obsesses over it’s convoluted piss ass story line as if it’s the only thing that matters. Which seems to be the goal as the story has way more development than the actual fighting which is just Guilty Gear with gimmicks. This could explain why Virtua Fighter fans fear having any content for virtua fighter. Blazblue is an unnatural deterrent from what Fighters could have, or Japan is just getting worse.

Definitely, I’m gonna be sticking with Guilty Gear when Xrd comes out. Yeah, those assholes removed Jam and gave Potemkin a horrid suit of armor while they keep stupid May and Axl, but it looks so damn good. At least Chipp and Milia were kept.

Oh, and what’s more offensive, there’s a DLC cat girl named Kokonoe (good luck remembering that name) that is on the disc and cost $8 butt fucking dollars. Why you ask? She’s the strongest character in the game and the retarded ass fans think it’s justified because “she’s sooo strong”. Fantastic. Blazblue would attract the retards.