….To be quite honest, I aint diggin it.

Maybe we should call you white fish!

Playing Mortal Kombat 9 gave me some overblown expectations of Injustice. The game looked fun, faster, and smoother than MK9 in a lot of ways, and had plenty of wild ass features like knocking opponents through buildings or devices.

But I’m DLC only, baby

After a while, though, all of that gets old fast. The game actually feels quite stiff in comparison to MK9, which is odd as MK is almost always stiff to play. Sure the game is faster, but it ain’t nowhere near the term “smooth”.

Firstly, the control layout. As I’ve said before, I have no problem with a simpler control scheme for fighting games, hell after playing Street fucker 2 for years on end, and CVS2, that 6 button shit gotta go. But see, they came up with some control scheme that’s all kind of disorientating. It’s just a simple “light, medium, and heavy”. That’s it? That doesn’t tell me which is punch or kick! Turns out, you will never know if you choose different characters. See, I’m used to games that have a “Punch” and a “Kick” for a button label so I can easily access all my moves without getting confused and shit, but this here ain’t gonna work. If I play Cyborg and press medium, I do all these kicks and shit, but if I go with the Flash, medium turns into all these flurries of punches. You see what I’m saying? That shit confuses me. Especially since Flash has a special move that’s pretty much a kick… on a button that’s basically a goddamn punch. So right off the back, the controls confuse the shit out of me and I end up mashing buttons cause I don’t know what the hell kind of moves these fools got.

So here I am button mashing, not knowing what the hell I’m doing, shit happens and I just spam the “interact features”. Just throw cars at they asses. I learn some combos with Cyborg, but then this mother fucker, I think his name was Black Assbite? The somabitch with the lightening bolt on his chess? Whatever the hell it was, this assbite blocks my combos and pulls off some “Wager” shit where you gotta go into DBZ Budokai mode and press a random button hoping you can blow back his counter. The CPU pulls this shit all the goddamn time. If I’m whoopin yo ass, step your mother fucking game up! Where do developers get off to this BS with rewarding punk mother fuckers with some cheap shit like the “innovative” Wager system!? Now I gotta guess some random button just to continue beaten dat ass like it’s nothing.

So many fighting games keep coddling shitty players man. You got SF4 with Hyper Combos, Tatsunoko with Baroque bursts, DOA’s retarded counter system, and even MK9 with the Breakers. What pisses me off is that I don’t even know how to do that wager shit, cause when I was fighting Solomon Grundy’s ol’ cheap ass, I was gettin mad like a mother fucker. I don’t know how many times he grabbed my ass and went his nursery shit. “SOLOMON GRUNDY! BORN ON A MONDAY!” I get off the ground, and that zombie assbite grabs me again “SOLOMON GRUNDY! BORN ON A MONDAY!“. I can’t get off the ground for 2 seconds “SOLOMON GRUNDY! BORN ON A MONDAY!” Hold on mang, let me breathe for a few sec- “SOLOMON GRUNDY! BORN ON A MONDAY!” Goddamn, I HATE Solomo- “SOLOMAN GRUNDY! BORN ON A MONDAY!

Yo, fuck this mother fucker 100x mang…

I don’t know what drugs this AI was smokin, but they were whippin my ass like a bad habit. Dat nursery rhyme is seared into my ever loving mind! I had nightmares for days. Solomon Grundy found me in a park and did his little special throws.

SOLOMON GRUNDY! BORN ON A MONDAY! CHRISTENED ON TUESDAY! BURIED ON WENESDAY!

The last throw pile drove me into the underworld, where I found Ammut herself! That half-hippo croc, the devourer of souls! It repeated he same exact words!

BORN ON A MONDAY!

I screamed at the top of my lungs as I awoke in sleep. “GRUNDYYYYYYYYY!” I shouted while feeling cold from my bedsheets soaked in urine.

I told myself… no more zombie flicks. No more Resident Evil. Until I DESTROY Grundy once and for all! But then I read that Grundy is virtually immortal.

So the next day, I download a “balance patch”. “OH BOY!” I thought. “My Cyborg will be buffed to destroy him hopefully!”. Instead, I read the patch only nerfed Black Assbite. Cyborg’s moves were only made easier. And then… to my greatest fears. Grundy… was buffed!

…….Srsly though, fuck Grundy.

Oddly enough, the patch made the game play smoother than before, and Gundy’s asshole tendencies don’t bother me much anymore. Now it’s Catwoman! Well, at least it’s not based on Halle Berry.

So, I guess the game is not unfun anymore, but I still hate that fucking wager system. It wasn’t fun in DBZ Budokai 2, it ain’t fun here.

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