Oooooook, so there IS a game. Ah well, can’t be right all the time.

Looking at the trailer and the oddly positive reception for this title, I keep thinking back to this.

And I don’t even like this image.

If you’re a Sonic fan, you should make a habit of lowering your expectations. Every time a new game is announced, the fandom psyches themselves up for a potentially mediocre game, and I’m still shittin myself with laughter after Lost Mind’s reception.

Great, so we have another Sonic game that (again) fails to address Sega’s real problems. Sega has had a bad habit of creating games that meet fan demand but also creates nasty deterrents that prevent people from enjoying the game fully.

Shadow the Hedgehog
Demand: Shadow to have his own game!
Deterrent: Guns and “too gritty”

Sonic 06
Demand: Sonic Adventure gameplay
Deterrent: Buggy as fuck, and serious beastiality

Sonic Unleashed
Deterrent: Werehog

Sonic Colors
Demand: Only Unleashed’s day time stages, and better designed
Deterrent: Far too childish for anyone’s tastes

Sonic 4
Demand: Return to Classic Sonic gameplay
Deterrent: 4 Zones, Dimps physics, Episodic.

Mario and Sonic at the Olympic Games
Demand: Crossover between Mario and Sonic!
Deterrent: ….at the Olympic games

Sonic’s Lost Mind
Demand: Sonic being like Mario
Deterrent: Sonic being like Mario, incredibly lazy design on all fronts.

It doesn’t matter if Sega meets the demands of fans, those idiots will always find a way to shit the money bed. It’s like a bad habit with them and Japanese developers in general.

Sonic Boom is listed as a spin off or a split canon for the most part which means everyone is “just cool” with this game. It’s being handled by western devs again, we have the return of playable characters and a REAL coop system (*cums*), it certainly sounds like a helluva game. There’s only one (well, several) problems with that.

Fucking Knuckles took steroids….

I don’t even have to bring up the character designs, we’ve already got Gamespot bitching about it. Simply put, this is the primary issue of Sonic Boom in all of it’s “splendor”. Everyone can pretend this isn’t important, but after SEVERAL games that failed because of a drastic change in a character’s appearance (Wind Waker, DmC, Bomberman Act Zero, Tristar Godzilla, Jak and Daxter, Metroid Other M), this shit ain’t goin down. It’s like when women change their hair and men get iffy about it. People care too much about a character’s appearance to blindly accept this. There’s no other way to look at that.

Why? Because everyone who’s commenting on the game (even on my deleted post) are hoping it’s just a spinoff and not how the whole franchise is going to become. Deep down, the fandom isn’t really feeling these designs, and that will be the primary deterrent of this game. It needs no statement, but people care more about consistency (especially in art direction) than anything else, especially if it’s a part of a long running franchise such as Sonic the Hedgehog. There hasn’t been a drastic change in character design…. since 1991! 14 years, its far too late to alter appearances.

Especially fucking Knuckles who looks like he took some tips from Chris Redfield and roided up for no reason. What is that shit, he’s bigger than the Incredible Hulk! He’s big and he looks like shit! Don’t sit here and lie to me that you’re ok with this! I swear, if Sega plans on handing out the original character designs as some form of paid DLC, they can eat a dick.

But beyond that, there’s also the gameplay concerns. Looking over the trailer, the only parts that look fun is seeing Sonic and the other characters running through the valley, speeding across the rivers because it looks neat, especially with those little light trails that for no apparent reason remind me of Sonic R (goddamn I love that game). But other than that, you have these other sections where the characters are just going around doing regular platformer shit, and they show the same shot of them being surrounded by okish looking robots. Hearing that there is coop and all the crap about this game “not being about speed” as well as hearing who exactly is working on this game, I have to immediately ask the question. WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU REALLY GOING TO PUT IN THIS BITCH!?

I smell bullshit. Lots of bullshit involving fetch quests, puzzles, and forced coop actions (like hitting switches in separate rooms or having to toss characters onto to something, or even attacking enemies in scripted patterns like Amy bashes them to lower their defenses while Knuckles punches them or something, like in Xenoblade where Shulk has to “Break”, Reyn then “Topples”, and Shulk “Dazes”, that kind of shit). Probably going to be lots of silly ass missions where you perform repetitive and redundant tasks like sneaking past robots (Tails probably), racing around certain sections in very strict time limits probably with the slowest character imaginable (Knuckles probably), and potentially lots of “find my lost child/friend” shit.

I can say that because Reading this, I can’t help but feel concerned. Infact I’m utterly terrified. First off, the people behind the Jak and Daxter series is working on this. Jak and Daxter , despite it’s cool concepts, is a fucking terrible series. On the other hand, you have ex members from the Ratchet and Clank series, which is just so mother fucking good. Jak and Daxter is bullshit ridden to the core, and Ratchet and Clank had one game that was full of forced coop action (All 4 One) so I know there’s gonna be loads of that shit in there. There’s even a screenshot on that page that shows Sonic and Amy pulling 2 laser thingy’s at the same time. I didn’t even have to predict that, they’re fucking doing it!

it’s not a true open-world game, but a series of classic sandbox levels

Sly Cooper is boring as shit for being nothing but Sandbox levels.

Veteran Sonic game designer Takashi Iizuka is overseeing the production of Sonic Boom, but main development is entirely in Western hands due to Sega’s desire for Sonic to be more appealing to Western audiences.

Which is logical since that’s the only audience Sonic really has. Sega’s been working out in the upper story, I see.

Speaking with Polygon, Iizuka said the decision to give developer Big Red Button creative control over Sonic Boom and have Sanzaru Games work on the 3DS title was part of Sega’s overarching plan to make a completely Westernized branch of the Sonic franchise.

Which is confusing seeing as Sega despises anything “western”. But it sounds good on paper seeing as a western branch of Sega was what made them extremely popular in the first place. But that begs the question of why they needed to make a westernized branch? How about stop shoving your dick up SOA’s asses and allow them to make games again. The last game SOA ever made was Shadow the Hedgehog, but that was under Iizuka’s ball sacks. Giving western devs creative control seems against their very DNA, though. This couldn’t be Nintendo’s dick either, they’re very anti-western development (they’re currently screwing over Retro Studios as we speak).

“As part of completely thinking about the West, we wanted to make sure we had Western game developers and make it a part of Western television,” Iizuka said. “We wanted to make sure it was developed best for Western audiences primarily; this was very important.

This is lip service at this point.

“The whole thing started with the television series,” he added. “Our previous series, Sonic X, was made in Japan and influenced by Japanese anime; the main audience it was made for was in Japan

No wonder it was a piece of shit.

Sega of America producer Stephen Frost told Polygon that keeping Sonic Boom in Western studios was important for the projects’ “synergy.” Frost said Sega picked Big Red Button because its team — led by Uncharted and Jak and Daxter veteran Bob Rafei — had experience with character-driven adventure games.

Hopefully Bob stays completely OUT of the gameplay department. His games are more tedious and frustrating than they are enjoyable.

“One of the things is, if you think about it at a high level, all the key aspects of this new initiative for Sonic, whether it’s the cartoon, the game or the toys, is centered on the Western side, and we wanted to be unified in that,” he said. “It’s very challenging to create an initiative like this where everything works in a nice synergy if you have a lot of people scattered around the world. Granted, we’re doing our [animation] stuff in France, but really, the leads of each group are at Sega of America. And it was really important — I think this is where many other initiatives might fail — is that we really we see each other every day, we’re talking to each other every day, and that was really important.

Something Yuji Naka did and understood way back in the 90s before japanese pride took over Sega’s common sense. Telling people how important it is now is just lip service.

I’m starting to think Sega’s reading my blog, they’re saying all the shit I want to hear.

So let me skip all the lip service parts and move on to actual details.

“There’s moments where you’re funneled back to the main gameplay and we have to do that also for the necessity of cooperative play, where we didn’t want to have the two characters venture off in two different directions,” Rafei told Polygon. “It’s a classic structured game, so we have the critical path, and part of our project pillars, among many, was to make sure that it’s accessible to new fans. So we want you to be able to finish the game but for fans who want more, you will have to find the additional, the secondary paths and all the hidden secrets.”

Awww shit. They just blurted out the fetch quest. It sounds like it’s going to be like All 4 One. Then again, that’s how all coop games work, where 2 players can veer away from each other. The problem, however, is the whole accessibility aspect. A game with potentially forced coop actions is not accessible. Contra’s style of coop is accessible. All 4 One’s style of coop really isn’t.

When asked if action-adventure sequences like those in Uncharted inspired Sonic Boom’s gameplay, Rafei did not shy away from the comparison. Big Red Button is utilizing familiar adventure game conventions and ideas, he explained, but the emphasis was on making sure the gameplay didn’t eclipse the game’s defining Sonic elements.

Oh Amma, I can just see the quick time events happening.

As for the blue hedgehog’s new scarf — it’s not incorrect to say it was pulled straight from the closet of Nathan Drake.

That’s bad. I don’t recall wanting Sonic to resemble anyone but Sonic. People have proven they don’t want Sonic to be anything but Sonic from Lost Mind’s reception alone, why the hell would we want Sonic to be like Nathan Drake?

“We were exploring different outfits and we went through a lot of iterations and the scarf was something I’ve used in the past and it works for me and it works for the character,” he said. “Really, the history of that comes from the old western days, with John Wayne, and as a kid watching a lot of those westerns, that really stuck with me. And you see the use of the afghan in a lot of action movies because of the soldiers and what’s happened with more association with the Middle East. So that DNA made its way into what makes a character action hero nowadays.”

Are you out of your fucking mind!? Going with a westernized Sonic doesn’t mean the literature term you simple fool!

You mean to tell me the characters are fucked up because of the Japanese making assumptions about our tastes!? Great, Sega’s making the SAME DAMN MISTAKE Capcom made with DmC and Resident Evil! Changing the characters to fit with things we don’t play certain games for. Making Sonic appealing to the west did NOT require mummifying his blue ass and giving him a gay scarf. What’s the excuse for Knuckles!?

“I was part of the team that created Uncharted, so it’s hard to take the DNA out of that,”

Bullshit. You just said it resonated with old westerns and John Wayne. How in the fresh hell do have a hard time preserving the image of certain characters because of your own association with other video games? Are you trying to say you can’t make a Sonic game without making them look like a character you previously designed? That makes no sense whatsoever. I’m inclined to believe it was Iizuka’s call.

“We’re making the games we want and want to play and it’s hard not to tap into, what feels right to you. And given our past with a lot of team members worked on Jak and Daxter, Ratchet and Clank, so you want to make sure we’re not just doing the same thing. We took the best of what we know from those games and applied it to what works for Sonic canon. That was really important to us, not to make another Ratchet and Clank game or another Jak and Daxter game. It was important to make sure that it feels like a Sonic game.

VG Cats - I can't believe it's not Updated_1367606609993

Well, you certainly failed THAT mission! So far, everything in this game feels like Ratchet and Clank Into the Nexus, and Knuckles is not a football player. Just because he’s a nigga doesn’t make him proficient in sports.

Awww fuck it.

Frost added that a more combat-oriented Sonic game would allow the personalities of Sonic’s companions to be expressed more fully. Each character will have specialty abilities that speak to who they are and how they interact with the world. For example, Amy can clear out swathes of enemies with her hammer and Knuckles can knock out opponents with brute strength.

Translation: they can fight, but they possess “unique fighting styles”

The action focus also ties into the exploration component of the games, Frost said, which will in turn feed into character and story progression.

And I’m certain there will be some tedious ass method of switching characters which will pad the game out itself.

When asked specifically about the redesign and inclusion of Amy, who’s been consistently regulated to a less-than-influential side character in many Sonic games, Rafei said that it was the team’s goal to not make her, as well as the other companions, feel like a subordinate character. Amy will be more “capable, agile and graceful” for Sonic Boom, with her own powerful attacks and positive personality. Although it wasn’t a bullet point Big Red Button had to pursue, Rafei said having Amy standing out of Sonic’s shadow was a positive outcome of wanting all characters to stand out.

That’s cool, I guess. I don’t know anyone who plays Sonic games for fucking Amy Rose, but w/e.

“I want to bring more girls into gaming and have them play characters that they can associate with and not feel like they’re created by just a bunch of men,” Rafei said. “I want her, if it’s just me purely, and I’m sure the Sega team agrees with me, I want her to be see as a very capable character adventure character in herself. If she was to break out and have a game of her own you’d probably get an idea of what that would look like based on this game.”

……..WHO…. IN THE FRESH FUCK… would want to play a game starring Amy Rose!?

The pursuit of gaining more female gamers is stupid in itself, women have been into video games since they first fucking came out, and there’s quite a sizable portion of females that dig Sonic the Hedgehog (most of them are fans of Shadow anyway) but really, who wants to play a game about Amy Rose!?

Anywho, it seems like they plan on turning Amy into some Mary Sue “sassy” bitch this side of Sonia from Sonic Underground.

“Sonic is about joyous movement.”

Oh Amma, that giant ass caption…

Sonic Boom will also emphasize cooperation among the characters, offering two to four-player co-op against a new enemy that is “darker and more foreboding than Eggman is.” But franchise veterans will still feel comfortable in this new Sonic, Frost said, because the game still follows Sonic’s principles of fast-paced movement. But this time around it’s not just about Sonic, with Tails, Knuckles and Amy each getting their chance in the spotlight.

You know, I think there’s gonna be overblown themes of “team work and friendship” being shoved down your throat when they said this.


“Not specifically towards that but for me, Sonic is about joyous movement,” he said. “Everything he does is that too maybe.

Wow, that statement was so gay, even he isn’t sure what he just said.

Sonic is about being WAY PAST COOL! That one line is way past fucked up.

we wanted each character to navigate and do everything in their own unique way that really sells their personality. For example, Amy is very graceful, she’s like a ballerina. Everything she does which would normally be difficult for someone, she does with so much fluidity and grace. And yet, it balances out because she’s so awesome.”

Aww jeez, this is a team of AMY ROSE FANBOYS! Great, so Amy is going to turn into a Mary Sue sassy bitch.

Honestly though, what is with these guys and having character abilities reflect the character’s personalities? Has that ever been a requirement for any character to be awesome? And grace? Have this guys EVER watched the Sonic CD intro?

Shit, anything that pink bitch can do, he can do better.

Iizuka confirmed that there are currently no plans to bring the Sonic Boom games or cartoon to Japan; the show will launch in North America and France later this year, while the game is “coming soon.” He also noted that the Japanese Sonic Team will continue to make Sonic games parallel to Big Red Button and Sanzaru’s games, although he could not comment on their publication to PlayStation 4 or Xbox One.

This implies that this is indeed an alternate continuity for Sonic, and it’s exclusively catered to us. And that it’s going to be around for a loooooong time.

Superb. I get to eat my words again! Here I am thinking western devs can do no wrong with Sonic, and they throw this shit in here. I still wanna say Iizuka has more sway than what he’s telling us, but that whole “I gave Sonic a scarf because I made Nathan Drake” BS just tells a much more devious story that perhaps NO ONE IN THIS WORLD knows what to do with Sonic the Hedgehog.

I mean… there’s so many examples of failed attempts at different character designs and westernization of Japanese franchises based on Japan’s ignorant assumptions of western cultures (including Shadow the Hedgehog) that Sega could learn from, but they don’t seem to take the hint. There’s a lot of things that sound good on paper (multiple playable characters, fully fledged coop, beautiful worlds), but oh so much shit that sounds much worse (forced coop actions, SHITTY character designs). I mean really? You fuck up the characters so that they fit YOUR own comfort zone rather than designs that the fans will actually like!? Hell, for all we know, SOJ probably just told them to change the designs to the most horrific fucking things ever just to screw them over.

Being a Sonic fan apparently means lots of frustration. It’s infuriating knowing that no one knows what to do with Sonic anymore. The only real smart thing they have going is  tv show which will advertise the game. And I’m sure Sega will be taking the failure of Sengoku Basara 4 as their reasoning. Can’t put this one on Nintendo…

EDIT: According to the facebook pages, this is apparently a “test” game and is not finalized for the rest of the series. Which would be a relief had this not confirmed that Sonic Boom is another damn experimental Sonic game.