No, not him persay. He’s actually kind of a douche.

You know, through all the debates I’ve heard from asswipes over what age group Sonic should cater to, time and again I’ve become jealous of the 3 playstation “platformers” that came out during the BS2 days. While Sonic the Hedgehog started facing a severe content crisis, Ratchet and Sly Cooper seemed to have prevailed.

Playing the Sly Cooper collection is… more or less a tedious time. The first game was a bullshit-ridden fest of broken minigames masquerading as “levels”. While it played like a standard stage-by-stage game, it’s general stupidity kept it from being an enjoyable experience.

Sly 2… is… slightly better. Sly 2 is a fucking god send compared to the first game, and this is despite the fact that the entire game is WORK. Ditching the SBS game flow in favor of a more open world “mission-based” progression, I was scared shitless. The nightmares I incurred from the horrible Jak 2 came back to haunt me. But then I realized the game is… pretty easy. Which is good as this is a long ass game. Hard games are better suited for shorter games as it balances out the length by itself. But a long game that is hard as shit for no reason is a literal drag.

Sly 2 still has it’s share of bullshit, though. The “ectoplasm” mission where you play as that pussy turtle to grab spirit… stuff was completely arbitrary to the entire game. And the mission involving the balloons filled with spice filled me rage. The missions are long and time consuming, but never really difficult. After a while, I found myself missing the simplicity of the first game where you just had to get to the end of the level to complete it (or complete some stupid task like finding fish for flaming oil).

But otherwise, seeing as this is… or was… a “kid’s game” persay, I was actually surprised at all the shit that was going on. Sly Cooper and his “gang” of a pussy and a moron who suddenly gained a pair must now retrieve the “Clockwerk parts” to prevent the ressurection of Sly’s arch nemesis. And lemme tell you that those were used for some real dirt! The first guy used the feathers for a counterfeiting operation while he wants to “shine on bling” or… w/e. The second has a fucking drug ring in India (using a heart to speed up “spice” production). The third is using narcotics for lethal interrogation methods (holy shit) along with some eyes, the forth… just chops wood, while the fifth wanted immortality by hypnotizing the world into a seething rampage of hatred… just so he could grow wings.

Dude…. Fuck Iizuka. Sucker Punch went deep into the shit! See, Sly 2 is still primarily a “kid friendly” game, but it has all these “mature” elements that involve highly criminal activities, as well as Carmilita’s enormous ass. She might’ve been inspired by J-Lo. The usage of drugs on prison inmates to reveal their “secret stashes” was the utmost form of cruelty, but just made that spider chick awesome. All of this is off-screen, of course (until you get to Murray who’s been fucked up by teh spices.)

You’ve got “kid friendly” characters all deeply involved in highly adult situations without going into Jak 2 territory. Creepy and sinister operations (except for the wood chopping) going on, and they achieve this without giving soccer moms heart attacks. Yet, Sonic games can’t even have that level of maturity.

Sure, Robotnik enslaving an entire planet of aliens, draining their life force for some mind control device is…. fucked up, but it’s also a part of a game that’s too childish for anyone’s fancy. “Hyper-go on” energy? Hell does that even mean? Even the names of universe concepts are stupid sounding in Modern Sonic. “Zeti” makes no sense. You get an actual sense that “spice” is a dangerous drug, at least. How do you make sense of a stupid, childish name like “Zomom”?

It’s a bit of a shame that Sly 2 is on the boring side, but it’s got way more interesting content than Sonic these days.

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