F-ing Roffle

Following weaker-than-expected sales of their Wii U console and weaker-than-expected sales of the Nintendo 3DS in western markets, Nintendo have reduced their financial targets for the ongoing fiscal year, which is set to end on March 31st, 2014.

As a result, Nintendo have reduced their expected net income of 55 billion yen to a net loss of 25 billion yen. Meanwhile, instead of posting an operating profit of 100 billion yen, the company expects to post an operating loss of 35 billion yen. Nintendo president Satoru Iwata says the company will discuss its short-term and mid-term strategy at its next financial results meeting on January 30th

Honestly, investors, tell them to slash the Pii U altogether. The system was doomed from the start.

The controller, HD direction and the outrageous price all have alienated potential customers, but the games killed any chance of gaining momentum. By now, the spell of the “Mario” brand label has worn off, not even the main Mario game they hyped up is winning any fans over.

Wind Breaker HD was a stupid idea, and Pikmin 3 continues the trend of lame ass RTS’s for babies. If NSMBU couldn’t sell people on the Pii U, Mario Kart and Smash Bros. are destined to fail. Nintendo’s money men know it all too well the project is doomed. The only people on the face of this Earth that cannot (or refuse to) see this are the internet people. Those in the real world don’t even consider the Pii U as a relevant device. It is invisible to everyone.

Nintendo’s franchises have become so awful outside of Pokemon. There isn’t a franchise in their arsenal that can beckon any legion  worth the air they breathe. Mario? Only the intricate 3D atrocities they can find. Zelda? It’s dead to everyone as long as Aonuma is in charge (and I don’t have faith in Hyrule Warriors to be quite honest). Metroid? Dead. Kid Icarus? I don’t even think anyone payed attention to the 3DS game. Kirby? Sells at Sonic records. Fire Emblem? Japanese TBSGs are never compelling. Custom Robo? I wish.

The solution has always been clear. Ditch the Pii U and refocus on making gaming cheaper and “natural”. Sankofa the Wii! But no. Nintendo is far to “sophisticated” for a dedicated arcade device. Nintendo is about kooky magical controllers that run out of battery life faster than you can get it up. Nintendo is about “intricate gameplay mechanics“, thinking that the selling point of games is how clever the level design is in scripted splendor, like some sort of circus performing. Nintendo is about easter egg hunts where the main objective is to find and collect several silly trinkets, whether it be gold coins, stars, Chozo Artifacts, or triumph forks in the depths of the ocean.

No one is going to buy Nintendo if Nintendo continues to deny fun factor in favor of a broken ideology that is centered around showing the world the value of … inner workings. Nintendo’s developers are so caught up in showing the value of things people do not give a shit about. In Mario, you’re supposed to care about “clever level design”. In Zelda, you’re supposed to care about playing bad music and solving puzzles. In Metroid, you’re supposed to care about…… Samus having sand in the vagina, I guess. In Smash, you’re supposed to care about Nintendo’s glorious history. It’s a contrast to what people want to do in games.

In Mario, you want to kick Koopa ass.

In Zelda, you want to kick Centaur ass.

In Metroid, you want to kick Metroid ass.

In Smash, you want to kick Pit’s ass (stupid ass, cheap ass, faggy ass , bitch ass angel!).

Nintendo does not believe ass kicking is an enjoyable activity of video games. As such, they make games that aren’t about kicking ass, but rather solving psuedo “mysteries” called “puzzles and fetch quests” to progress a shit story. But solving any mystery is considered work. Work isn’t fun, and isn’t supposed to be fun. Therefore, Nintendo games, being that they are about work and no play, are no longer fun to play.

So, with those apparent weaknesses, you expected anyone with any kind of income to spend $350-400 dollars on a piece of tech with a worse controller than N64’s….. to play HORSESHIT!? Nintendo wasted no time reducing that price tag, but that didn’t even help. People wouldn’t even pirate those lame ass games.

And Nintendo doesn’t even believe it to be feasible. However, instead of doing the logical thing and shove the Pii U into a furnace, they’re still going to try and sell it. Instead, they’ll just reduce sales expectations. I actually those to fall under just so they can piss their pants.

Why did Nintendo sell Rare, anyway? They at least made an enjoyable FPS. Nintendo can’t even make a decent platformer anymore!

I like how we haven’t heard a damn thing about that “X” game Monolith was supposedly working on. Perhaps it was canceled?