PR Wizardry powers, activate!

In the wake of 3D World’s demise, Reggie Fils Aime is tasked with spreading bullshit to keep their PR in check. And as the externally labeled “Nintendo hater”, I am tasked with exposing the bullshit. Bullshit to expose will be in bold.

What would you say is the most significant innovation in gaming in the past decade?

It’s gotta be the WiiMote. The WiiMote introduced a completely new style of play that arguably set an industry standard for motion controls, and let the consumer experience games in an entirely new way. The thing, I think, that’s really set Nintendo apart from the competition is its focus on new styles of play. We’re always looking for ways to innovate, ways to bring new and fun experiences to the consumer. In the end, it’s all about the software, and all about how you experience that software—and controllers have a huge effect on that.

Bullshit!

There is no industry standard for motion controls. It’s been proven (and exaggerated by the hardcore) that motion controls were NOT good for a majority of games. The best thing about the Wiimote was the customizability. You could use it as an NES controller, a light gun, and plug in 2 different attachments for different controls. These aren’t NEW WAYS to play games, persay, but more “convenient” ways to play games. I could play Brawl with Wiimote while another person could play with a gamecube controller. It was a console that didn’t discriminate against a person’s preferred way to play a game, and that’s one of the coolest fucking things about the Wiimote. It doesn’t force anything on you. It says “ok, you wanna plug a CC up my ass? Be gentle!”. And it loves me for it.

Can you do that with the BS3 or 360 controllers? No, you have all these uncomfortable configurations that YOU CAN NEVER FULLY CHANGE! Don’t like firing weapons on R1? Tough shit, scrub! You’re going to exercise your index and you’re going to LOVE IT!

The Wiimote is inviting. But don’t confuse that for “innovation”. The N64 controller could be considered the same thing with all the BS you could plug into that. The Transfer pak was more innovative than the Wiimote, hell.

When you released the DS, you had an entirely different idea of play style in mind. How does that concept manifest itself in the 3DS?

So here’s what’s interesting. The question that you asked me is “what was the single biggest innovation in the video game industry in the past decade?” if you would have asked the question differently, during my tenure, what was the gaming system that arguably has redefined the industry, I would’ve said the [Nintendo] DS. Because if you think about it, it was the first system that had a touch screen, a built in microphone—and the types of games that that enabled? You know, in many ways, it’s the forefront of what’s happening now with mobile and touch and things of that nature. The system that sold over 150 million globally?

Bullshit!

Redefined my ass. The most popular DS games don’t even use the touch screen or the microphone. You know why? Because that shit doesn’t feel natural. Playing Phantom Sour Ass, being told to scream and blow into a piece of hardware just to progress through the game was retarded, and probably put me in more friend zones than I needed to be. The only benefit of touch screens in gaming was more convenient menu navigation. Just think how much easier it is to play RPGs now! What a dipshit.

Shit, if touch screen tech redefined the industry, it would be in demand for more games. I don’t see the Pii U selling more because of that big ass touch screen, do you? Shit, that probably deterred more potential buyers than usual. Speaking of Pii U…

We just recently passed the one year anniversary of the Wii U. Is there anything you would have liked to do differently, if you could go back and re-do it?

You know, what drives a system are those key must-have games. When we launched the Wii U, we were pointing to Pikmin, we were pointing to Wii Fit U, and we were pointing to Zelda and Mario—so all of these great games that are coming out now? We wanted them to come out by the end of March last year. That’s been the biggest challenge we’ve had. We knew we had a great line-up. We wanted it to launch much earlier to drive the system. So, what does that mean going forward?

That means that we have to make sure that the pipeline for new games has that steady pace. We’ve had it arguably since July, in terms of that regular pace of games—and guess what? The Wii U has responded, and we just have to make sure that that pace is consistent.We’ve got Wii Fit U in January, and Donkey Kong: Tropical Freeze in February. [Mario] Kart is still Spring 2014—no solid release date, it’s still just Spring. All we’ve said for Smash Bros. is 2014.

Bullshit!

Didn’t you have some investors recommending that you discontinue the Pii U by next year!? Didn’t Pikmin 3 bomb? You guys were very quiet about that bitch since it’s release.

If you knew you had a great line up, you wouldn’t need to lower the price and sell the Pii U at a loss. You also wouldn’t need to bundle up New Super Mario Bros U LATE in the console cycle just to make up for lost sales. If you KNEW you had a great line up of games, you wouldn’t need to lower the price so soon and make several bundles to entice people. A sign of confidence in your software line up would mean not caving in and re-releasing games that were released last year in a new bundle this year around the holidays. That is a sign of desperation. Your own investors have zero faith in your product. I’d be shittin my pants if I were in Nintendo’s position at this point.

Now that Mr. Iwata is the CEO of Nintendo of America, are you going to see a greater emphasis on regional games developed here in the Americas?

The fact of the matter is, we have two internal studios that are based in the U.S.: we’ve got Retro, and we’ve got NST. In addition, there are a number of key relationships we have with companies based here in the Americas. The team that did Luigi’s Mansion: Dark Moon, for example, is up in Vancouver. We’re looking to build more and more relationships with great developers here—developers who can take some of our best franchises and help create fantastic content.

Bullshit, Bullshit, Bullshit!

Nintendo NEVER likes it when American developers outdo them on their own franchise. Rareware was the first example, Retro Studios is the second. Miyamoto despised the fact DKC was more successful than his Super Mario World series on SNES, tried to make Yoshi’s Island in defiance, and failed. Sakamoto despised that Metroid Prime kicked the shit out of his darling Metroid Fusion, and now he seeks to revoke any position in continuity within his shitty canon of motherly love for aliens. What has Retro been doing since then? Being used for mere art assets and crappy Donkey Kong games.

Nintendo wanting to build relations with American developers? When their egos let them, that is.

How long does Nintendo intend on releasing games for the Wii?

Well, in terms of Nintendo-published titles, we’re not publishing any more Wii games—neither are we publishing any more DS games. Third parties are publishing for them – but we’re focused on driving the install base of the Wii U. From a licensing perspective, it’s tough to ignore a 100 million unit install base on Wii, and a 150 million unit install base on the DS, but from a Nintendo first-party perspective? We have to focus on driving the install base of the new platforms, because if we don’t do it, no one else will.

Bullshit!

Nintendo ALWAYS ignores a console after 3 years because according to them, consoles run in cycles, and after 3 years, they shift ALL their attention on the next console while the old gets shafted. 2010 and onward is proof of this. They might release a few games here and there to appease customers, but it’s always low tier shit and maybe a zelda title. Is that NOT what happened on Wii? I can’t even recall most games on DS outside of Pokemon that was worth a damn later on after they went 3DS crazy.

Speaking of driving interest, that also includes not making people WAIT 2 years after a console release just to put out the games that people want. The reason the playstation brand continues to be popular is because they have shit people want right off the bat. Because even if Sony doesn’t, others will. But hey, everyone in the industry hates your fucking guts so I guess I can’t blame you for making that statement. But really, why didn’t people have a Smash Bros. game at launch like with the gamecube? There was nothing of worth on the Pii U at launch. You can’t drive an install base with puppet ass link!

Where do you think you see Nintendo or the industry in ten years?

I mean, the wonderful thing about Nintendo is that we’re always thinking about what’s going to make people happy? What’s going to be a great experience? And then we create the content and hardware to bring it to life. So, what are we going to be doing ten years from now? I don’t know what the hardware is going to look like, but I can guarantee you that the software is going to make you smile.

Bull FUCKING shit!

Lately, the exact has been happening. The Pii U controller is ILLOGICAL. The shit you do in Skyward Sword is IRRATIONAL. The objectives you perform in 3D Mario is BORING!

Outside of 2D games, Kirby, and Pokemon, Nintendo has been focused primarily on showing off their hocus pocus innovashuns rather than the entertainment of their fans. Who the fuck asked for Fi!? The instructional DvD? The goddamn cat suits!?

No really, 3D World was the biggest middle finger to the fans of 2D Mario. The asshole move of putting the features people wanted in 2D MARIO, they withhold… for 3D Mario! No one likes 3D Mario except for American nerds with bad taste. Who wants girly villains in Zelda games anymore!? Who wanted Nintendo Land!? People WANT the tech demo of Pii U Zelda, but you assholes want to do something more “surprising” than that.

If you thought about what was fun for the consumers, you’d make more 2D Mario (I swear, if it wasn’t for investors, we would never get an NSMB2), more GOOD Starfox, a REAL Strategy game and not that Fire Emblem shit, and controllers that make sense again. You show us your asshole and tell us to lick it anyway because our desires doesn’t fit your little zone of comfort.

Going off of that, how much do what fans want or say influence your decisions? [Operation Moonfall and Operation Rainfall are cited as examples here.]

I have to tell you—it doesn’t affect what we do. We certainly look at it, and we’re certainly aware of it, but it doesn’t necessarily affect what we do. I’ll give you an example. I mentioned earlier that our head of product development had a bet on X versus Y—we also had a bet around localizing Xenoblade.

I wanted to bring Xenoblade here. The deal was, how much of a localization effort is it? How many units are we going to sell, are we going to make money? We were literally having this debate while Operation Rainfall was happening, and we were aware that there was interest for the game, but we had to make sure that it was a strong financial proposition.

I’m paid to make sure that we’re driving the business forward—so we’re aware of what’s happening, but in the end we’ve got to do what’s best for the company. The thing we know [about petitions] is that 100,000 signatures doesn’t mean 100,000 sales.

…..Semi bullshit.

I’ve already said Nintendo doesn’t really give a fuck what fans want, and Reggie basically admits this in the bolded. On the other hand, sales means fans, and Nintendo pays attention to sales. So when Xenoblade sells out at Gamestop, there was literally a reprint.

So those signatures did mean money. Just because this isn’t “always” the case doesn’t remove the fact that Xenoblade sold well enough to justify a reprint.

That being the case, if you didn’t care about what your fans wanted, why are you still in business? Why is there a 2DS at a cheaper price? Why are we just now getting NSMB bundles for Pii U and not when the damn console was first released?

Reggie just blatantly admitted that Nintendo doesn’t give a fuck about what the fans say or think. Which is ironic because they care about sales, which come from the fans since the fans are the only ones buying Nintendo games now (sans Pokemon. Everyone buys Pokemon).

I also have to beg the question of why Reggie talks like a true asshole? He keeps on using hypothetical statements like “if you were to say this and that, I would’ve responded differentlyJUST ANSWER THE FUCKING QUESTION YOU CHEAP MTV REJECT!

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