Oh Sonic Stadium, you never cease to amuse me.

I’ve said this a million times to a couple of Casters on the side that The Sonic Stadium is a complete shill site. For those who don’t know what a shill is, refer to the phrase “damage control” or “nut ride” if you prefer. Either way, they exist to tell you and everyone that your complaints mean dick. They exist everywhere from gaming forums to TV networks like CNN and Faux, and even in your neighborhood if you happen to be against mandated healthcare simply due to the boule house nigga in charge being black.

Whatever the case maybe, they are the bane of all disgruntled peoples. They are the ultimate bureaucrats. They are always in support of the system no matter how flawed. Why? Cause a bitch needs paper.

This particular piece is a euphemism to older Sonic fans saying “you’re going to die sooner or later, so we will choose not to address your complaints. Just die already“. See, just like another asshole on facebook, this person implicates that the fans (the people who have financial power over Sega) are the REAL problem. Not Sega’s direction.

First off, the names this site uses for articles are worse than the title of Sonic Colors (srsly, what in the hell does “vertical slice” mean for a Sonic site?) But, since I’m not good at naming a site either (I should’ve used “contrarian thinking” instead of “conflicting views”) lets pick this bitch apart like we always do.

Hello and welcome to the first article in TSSZ’s newest column, Vertical Slice, with me, Michael Westgarth. There’s a good chance that you don’t know who I am, but don’t worry – you will.

Remind us why we should care.

As I assume is the case with essentially all TSSZ readers, I’ve played a lot of Sonic the Hedgehog games and have even enjoyed some of them.

Anyone who’s writing for this trash site should have played some form of a Sonic game and enjoyed some of them for some reason. I mean, it’s some…. “fansite”, no?

As such, I’m aware of the immensely strong and vocal Western “sect” of the Sonic fandom and the so-called hardships they’ve had to endure i.e. ridicule by gamers, ridicule by the gaming press and more shoddy Sonic games than you can shake a stick at.

*linked to Sonic Labyrinth*. I must question the super specific attention that Sonic fans give to Sonic Labyrinth. Certainly, it’s a flawed game, but I can point out MUCH WORSE than that shit. No one speaks of Sonic Blast, for instance. The desire to forget that game ever existed is understandable, that shit should’ve never been given the greenlight, but really? Labyrinth is the only game you could find fault with on the Game Gear!? Also, if you wanted to pick a shoddy Sonic game, wouldn’t it be more logical to choose from an era that has had WORSE quality control? You know, after 2003? Where Sonic games got drastically WORSE? I don’t see how anyone can like Sonic Rivals. Sonic games from the 90s had objectively better quality control and with that, Sonic was actually popularity making it NOT a bad thing to like Sonic games back then. It didn’t become an embarrassment to like Sonic until now, so choosing a Game Gear Sonic title is both illogical and asinine. Probably someone who hates “classicfags” or whatnot.

I would feel bad for my fellow Sonic fans, but on far too many occasions I’ve found myself stepping back and observing the nature and behaviour of the collective Sonic fandom consciousness and concluded that they probably deserve such “plights”.

Hey, that’s the way to get on everyone’s good side! Agree that Sonic fans are piss taking-ly annoying! You know what’s great about agreeing with this message? The knowledge that Sega fans are Sonic fans, but Sonic fans are NOT Sega fans!

This month has seen a new addition to the “Sonic’s Most Wanted” list, Sonic Colours, Sonic Generations and Sonic Lost World writer Ken Pontac – a man who had the audacity to contribute to a Sonic game without first familiarising himself with the breadth and depth of Sonic “canon”. Fans gasped in horror as Pontac explained during an informal interview held at Youmacon that he wasn’t even aware of the modern classics that are Sonic Adventure and Sonic Adventure 2.

I have yet to see anyone get on Pontac’s case for not having knowledge of Sonic games prior to Colors. Most I’ve seen were people being pissed off at the right people (Neo Sega) for not providing jack shit for them to work with. Yes, Sonic fans are bastards, but perhaps we shouldn’t put words in people’s mouths just to get a point across.

What were Sega thinking? Hiring someone like Ken Pontac to write Sonic games is akin to hiring homeless man to bring back Elmo’s World without said tramp knowing the words to, and the first appearance of, the classic Sesame Street song “If Moon Were Cookie” as performed by the Cookie Monster – a crime that should carry no less than a quadruple death penalty.

Of course, I’m being sarcastic

And unfunny.

for one thing, Elmo’s World was an absolute crock of shit – but I have to make jokes of such things for fear of becoming morbidly depressed.

Who fucking cares!?

Sega are responsible for Pontac’s Sonic-knowledge: If Sega thought it important for Pontac to know the true origins of Shadow the Hedgehog, they would have provided Pontac with the material required for him to educate himself.

Saying that, I’m not even sure if Sega ever decided on Shadow’s true origin – not that it matters in the slightest.

Where’s the proof that they are not responsible for Pontac’s Sonic-knowledge? They hired him to make a fucking narrative based on a franchise with an obvious history spanning 2 decades. Not to mention it’s a pretty big ass deal to gamers.

You mean to tell me that Sega can force the American teams to follow after the Japanese storyline going all the way to changing names (From Robotnik to the retarded “Eggman”) and locations (Not Mobius, but generic ass “Earth”), hiring and firing voice actors to keep up with “continuity” between a self-produced anime and the video games themselves, all forced for international versions because they feel it’s…. “necessary” for international fans to familiarize themselves with the “Japanese” story of Sonic the hedgehog, not because it’s any better but because of their Oriental ego, but it’s absolutely a-ok to NOT inform any new staff on how they want Sonic characters to be portrayed in future installments of the Sonic franchise!? Bitch, you sippin on a yac?

Pontac cannot make major creative decisions: It’s incredibly unlikely that Pontac has the creative freedom necessary to drastically alter the Sonic games he works on. Basic narrative decisions are likely made higher up in Sega once gameplay mechanics, initial concept art and character design have already been decided upon. For example, Sega’s creation – not Pontac’s – of Sonic Lost World‘s Deadly Six.

He wasn’t given notes on any other characters besides the 6 deadly retards. Why? Because Sega cares more about their bullshit Japanese mythology, with some ugly ass AOSTH drawings based off of Japanese Oni (my ass) than a cast of characters that have established fanbases?

Why did Pontac have to go onto to goddamn Wikipedia if Sega has already displayed the AUDACITY to give him notes on specific characters? Does that make any sense?

Sonic games are aimed at children: Modern Sonic games are not aimed at the 20-30 years olds that grew up with Sonic 2 and a pile of Archie comic books – they’re aimed at children.

Goddamn this pervasive fucking mentality.

Alright, let me lay it on yah. Children are not buying Sonic games. Not that they could considering the outrageous prices, but children aren’t digging Sonic games. Why is that? Because their tastes are already being catered to by other franchises. Comic Book Super Heroes, Beyblade, Ninja Turtles, Skylanders, and mother fucking POKEMON are what the kids are into these days. Hardly any of them can identify Sonic the Hedgehog. Not only that, but there was a giant memo that children aren’t even the majority of gamers. The old stank ass 30 year olds are the ones profiting from gaming entertainment because they’re the only ones who can afford that shit. Not to mention that Sega made their mark by APPEALING TO OLDER GAMERS!

Where did this “THINK OF THE CHILDREN!” shit come from other than Sega running away from their actual audience because they know damn well the older gamers they used to serve won’t just up and swallow their bullshit anymore? Sega just thinks children are stupid enough to buy anything, but what they forget that Children are heavily regulated people. Children are monitored by worrisome mothers about how much time they spend doing ANYTHING, that includes video games considering all the nonsense controversies about how gaming destroys your mind. Not to mention that games are treated as rewards for good deeds and grades. Considering America’s testing scores are constantly below average, it’s safe to say them kiddies ain’t gettin shit for christmas. Teenagers and Adults have less regulation on them and more freedom to purchase whatever they damn well please which is why so many games this generation are “rated M for money”.

Sure, the highest selling games are usually holding that “E-Rating”, but a close examination (done by actually READING the fucking label) will show you that these games are for “everyone“. Meaning “everyone” is the target audience. Sonic games aren’t rated “Early Children”, and won’t be anytime soon, so why the fuck would aiming Sonic towards children be a good idea? Children think Wolverine is cool.

Children are attracted to entertainment that treats them like regular people (mildly sanitized, but I digress). They don’t like getting “special treatment” because for some fucked up reason, adults think children are still into the crap they were fed when they were still shittin diapers. One of the biggest advantages of the Star Wars movies was that they were films that parents could take their children to see, not be fearfull that their minds would be destroyed, and they could ALL have equal amounts of fun even with some of the more serious actions going on like Luke’s arm getting chopped off or Han Solo getting frozen in metal (that shit was creepy.). Infact, a lot of the shit that kids are into happen to have content that appeals to adults in some fashion. Pixar seems to be the only damn cartoon producers who understand this. Watch The Incredibles and tell me if that’s for “children”. Then watch Winnie the Pooh and try to tell me the real reason those movies bombed at the box office.

That said, drop this “Sonic is for children” shit because as far as I and anyone else is concerned, that is a VERY dangerous move on Sega’s part. If they WANT your money, they need to make Sonic as it once was. Mass Market. And you can’t have mass market exclusively with a heavily regulated audience and these outrageous prices in this economy. It ain’t gonna work.

Times change, and what appealed to children in 1992 with Sonic 2 and to teenagers in 2000 with Sonic Adventure 2 do not necessarily appeal to the kids of today.

Did this guy honestly imply that Teenagers would be into Sonic’s Lost Mind?

Simply put, this decade’s millennials who are getting Sonic Lost World this Christmas don’t know or care about Nack the fucking Weasel, and as such, neither do Sega.

VG Cats - I can't believe it's not Updated_1367606609993

Wow, Nack the Weasel!? Really scraping the bottom of the barrel for insults, aren’t we? No one in the fanbase cares about this character, not even the people who know about him. As long as he exists in one medium (the comics), then there’s not much to worry about anywho. But really…. Nack the Weasel? How lame is this asswipe?

How much flanderization must you do just to say Sonic fans don’t have any logical arguments to make? Pointing out a character that NO ONE cares about is your best retort? Hey, the kiddies don’t care about Badniks either, but Sega saw fit to bring those things back. Huh? Huh? I went there mother fucker! COME AT ME BRO!

Stupid ass writers at this site.

But the thing that has me scratching my head the most about this whole situation is the idea that Sonic “canon” – if it can even be called that – is something worth preserving in future games.

We’re talking about a series of games whose defining entries followed the same basic storyline – a blue talking hedgehog foils the plans of egg-shaped man. It’s a simple premise that offered Sega the flexibility it needed to produce the vast array of Sonic games we have today.

If it’s one thing I learned about Sega fandom, they care more about preserving the personalities, powers, and traits of the Sonic Characters themselves rather than the “canon”. The Canon was destroyed as soon as Sonic Advance was made. Sega up and stopped giving a fuck about preserving anything of their franchises after the death of the Dreamcast. But no, really, we don’t care how the story went. We don’t care about timelines. But we enjoy our characters being preserved. EVERYONE enjoys their favorite characters being portrayed a certain way. And if they do certain things in a “canon” that they have done for a long time up until certain points, that’s called “consistency”. And believe it or not, people LOVE consistency. Think about any woman you might’ve been attracted to, and then they change their hairstyle. Shit drives a mutha fucka insane. Afterall, it’s the meme for Devil May Cry.

Someone call the MIB, this guy is looking unfamiliar right now!

You could change the story for all we care, but don’t touch the damn characters! No one cares how Wolverine handles his business in the film franchise because he’s still fucking Wolverine. Deadpool, HELL HAVETH NO FURY!!!!

Tell me, dear Sonic-canon apologist, where does Sonic Drift 2 fit into Sonic chronology?

When does one simply try to hard to prove a fallacy?

There is no Sonic canon, just a whole load of loosely connected videogames – most of which were aimed at children – released over a period of two decades. You’d have an easier time figuring out the Zelda timeline than the Sonic one. Hell, Final Fantasy VIII is easier to explain than Sonic’s clusterfuck of a “back story”.

If anything, Sega’s – not Pontac’s – decision to effectively reboot the series with Sonic Colours and Sonic Lost World was an incredibly wise move

Notice the lacking mention of Sonic Generations which…..establishes continuity between several of the games in the series. How would Retard Sonic know that Retro Sonic’s future would be great as he says? Why does this game take place after Sonic Colors which is promptly featured in said game?

Any arguments made about Sonic having no continuity are destroyed by the very existence of Sonic Generations. Sonic Colors can’t even be described as a reboot thanks to Generations coming out a year later.

Newcomers to the series – and there most certainly are new comers – aren’t bogged down with annoying, unimportant characters. Long time fans, on the other hand, get to play something fresh and original that holds onto the core “blue hedgehog versus egg shaped man” storyline without drudging up the Sonic series’ several embarrassing, inter-species relationships.

Aww geez, did yah have to play the “Sonic’s friends suck” card? Apparently this guy is once again beckoning the call for “Sonic only” fests even though we’re getting just that. I also like how we’re going back to Sonic and Elise’s relationship as if Knuckles didn’t have relations with a human cat girl.

That’s right. Knuckles had Jungle fever back in the day. No wonder he’s borderline retarded now. Hmm, Sonic’s also gotten pretty stupid too. Damn that human tang. It’s a kick in the ass, ain’t it?

Articles like this are something that must be combated. Sonic fandom has a nasty stigma that is enabling Sega and their idiotic supporters to continue the eventual destruction of Sonic the Hedgehog. And I for one am tired of this bullshit.

Oh look at this fantastic nonsense.

I don’t think it would be entirely constructive to reply to each and every point.

This is something that’s been buggin me for quite some time. Since when did quoting and rebuking individual parts of a lengthy (and shitty) post become something to be criticized? I don’t know where gamers got this idea from that there is a certain way to respond to someone’s argument. Probably from college. Thats the only institution of cocksuckers that deduct points from your perfectly constructed research paper because you didn’t cite your sources in a specific format. The shit white folks can come up with. A right and wrong way to tell people where you got yo info from.

You know what? Fuck that hiatus.

Advertisements