It became juvenile.

I’m one of those people who are always interested in games that receive severely bad publicity. How would I be able to have fun with Shadow the Hedgehog or the 3 Stooges movie if I had listened to the crowd? (Course I wish I listened when I bought that trite ass Soul Calibur Legends) I found a copy of SFxT for literally 2 dollars. I’m like “damn! Is it that bad!?”. I said what the hell, forked over the 2 papers and decided to pop this bitch in to see what’s so wrong with it.

Cameo no one cares about.

Chris Redfield is a photographer for some reason

Juri’s lickable back

Fights with trannies and fatties

Elena as DLC, the fuckers

That school girl bitch returns

Well beyond the on-disc bullshit which I understand much more clearly. It’s not just that it’s on-disc, they’re charging 20 fucking dollars for characters. No, you can’t buy any of them individually either like they would for PSASBR for 5 bucks. Since the game is centered around a tag team concept, you need all characters to come with the package. They planned this shit so intricately, I can’t help but empathize with the sheer rage behind the- and then Capcom is arrogant enough to NEVER let them be sold for free and will stubbornly stick with the DLC plan even though it’s the main reason they’re nearly broke (unless Monster Hunter 4 saved them because Japan and bad taste go together like fine wine).

But even then, I can’t see why anyone would want to spend any amount of money on this game beyond the initial purchase. Sure it doesn’t advertise it’s DLC so explicitly like PSAS does like a whore on the corner lookin for dick and cash, but the game is completely sparse without those extra characters. Plus the costumes, and some gem system I’ve never heard of or understand, yeah this game is one giant middle finger and feel ripped off for 2 bucks. This game DRIVES people to hack it because of the amount of bullshit Capcom pulled with this one. I mean I’ve heard and read all the horror stories, but oh hohoho man, I had to see it with my own eyes! People WANT Capcom to go bankrupt so badly, they’re the “cooler” Nintendo at this point!

But as I said, I can’t see anyone paying for DLC for a game that outright enhales it’s own dick. Street Fighter 4 felt pretentious enough without all the expansions, but it’s like Yoshinori Ono and the crew think they’re so cool with all these touches. You have the nice looking CGI crap, and then you have the in-game animations with such hard hitting effects that after every heavy blow, the characters pause slightly to emphasize the pain of said attack…. but it comes off as desperate for some reason. In Tekken games, at least all the hard hitting attacks look painful and COOL at the same time, but here… it’s all silly and shit. Like Sagat’s Super Art where the uppercut causes the character’s facial expression to puff up like a blowfish before getting flung into the air, crashing to the ground. Is that supposed to make me feel like a bad ass? All the satisfaction of whoopin ass seems to be non-existent in this game as it just makes me feel embarrassed playing it. Look at Kuma’s super art. He just farts! And it’s not the funny, comical well-timed fart like Wario in Brawl. It’s just fucking gross to look at! You got some guy plopping into his big ass just waiting to bask in the ambience! It’s disgusting.

Not to mention a lot of other elements in this game come off more facepalming than Iwata apologizing for being a constant fuck up. I was interested in the game when Raven was announced as a part of the Tekken side, but for some reason he gets paired with Yoshimitsu, and before I know it, they’re both arguing like a married couple before Balrog and Vega…. or Claw and Boxer like those SRKEVO retards refer to them as because for some reason, localized names are a sin on the internet. Not to mention the ending where Yoshi traps Raven in a box and he’s comically saying “LET ME OUT OF HERE!” Are you shitting me!? Raven is not a comical character. He’s one of the more serious and bad ass Tekken characters created. Forcing comedy on him is like making Knuckles a retard, you just can’t do shit all willy nilly! And Capcom tried to force comedy all over the damn place, what with Abel wanting Kuma because he thinks it’s cute (I get it, he’s french but come on), Asuka and Lily constantly fighting each other over stupid shit, Steve accidently groping a tranny (why is he paired up with Howrang or w/e the fuck his name is?), Rufus and Zangief talking about body types in which we’re expected to laugh
at, all with that gay ass high-contrast art style which make the characters look HIDEOUS at the same time, I don’t see how ANYONE beyond stupid animu addicted teenagers could buy into this game.

It’s the Michael Bay syndrome in which anyone who thinks they’re “cool” also thinks they’re “funny” at the same time, and come off doing some of the most juvenile shit you could ever think of.

And as a person who’s played Tekken, goddamn, they couldn’t think of ANYTHING to do with these characters, could they? They’re all portrayed so wrong (Xiaoyu is almost an exact copy of Amy fuckin Rose when she was simply that bubbly animu chick, Heihachi is just an old geriatric instead of a manipulative bastard, and I already talked about Raven) and their moves all feel weird and disconnected. I knew something was going to be lost when transitioning the characters from 3D to 2D, but where the fuck did Jin get fireballs from and why does it look like Hworang is just doing acrobatics!? Wait, nevermind, lolTKD.

Not to mention general gameplay feels more restrictive than any Street Fighter game since. The characters move like sloths, especially Sagat who can’t dash worth shit. I notice how awful and floaty Ryu and Ken look when trying to do their little dragon punches, and I don’t know what they were smoking when translating Heihachi’s flying kick to a special move. There’s literally NO distance coverage, and he’s hanging so high off the ground for a a good 3 seconds. It looks so stupid. And performing chain combos automatically tags characters out for some reason, it’s annoying. Launchers make very little sense, and while performing Supers Arts is actually fun (charging a special move to do them is a good idea I believe), the auto combo bullshit and annoying 2 button grabs combined with that bullshit 6-button layout which makes playing the game well with shoulder buttons a tedious time. Capcom should’ve abandoned that 6 button shit a long time ago after SNK basically proved it wasn’t necessary to have all that shit.

This game offends me on every level. I think… no I actually want to go back to shit ass TTT2 to wash that taste out of my mouth! Fuck, even gay ass Persona Arena would do at this point. This game is just… the culmination of everything I despise about the current state of Street Fighter over the years. And unfortunately, that shit creeped into Tekken around the 5th entry I believe. Why is Paul the comedy relief now, I thought he was a “Ken Masters” rival to Kazuya, the fuck happened there!?

I wasn’t really a big fan of SF2 back in the day, I was more into Fatal Fury when it first came out. But I remember everyone I knew was just enamored and drawn to this game like moths to a flame. I was always confused and frustrated the idiocy of needing 6 different attack buttons to do different strengths of one attack when the Fatal Fury and even the King of Fighters games reduced the number count almost to 1 punch, 1 Kick, and 1 Fierce attack. And I remember getting pissed off when no one wanted to play Art of Fighting with me on the Genesis or SNES, whichever it was on. Then Mortal Kombat was around, started all kinds of controversy and so I had to play fighting games in secret.

But either way, Street Fighter 2 was all the fuckin rage at the game rooms when they were still important. I couldn’t help but pick Blanka, the green Hulk lookin mutha fucka all the time because I bite and electrocute people all the time, it was fun. I remember my older cousins getting pissed at me shouting “USE A CHARGE MOVE!” “PLAY STRATIGICALLY!” I’m like ‘”I’m 5 years old, I don’t even know what “stategiac” means! Charge move!? Don’t you see me charging my thunder attacks on you!?”

After a while, all the 2D fighting games started looking exactly the same. I was into anime back then so the stench of Animu crap didn’t start to annoy me yet. But when it did, man did Street Fighter start feelin like ass. I remember Blanka as the snarling beast of an asswhooper. A true monster and a freak of nature. But nowadays…..

…..Yeah. Now he’s just some best friend to a retard. Fucking…. Jimmy!?

Infact, a good majority of Street Fighter games just became ridiculous and far too comical for my own tastes. I think the last Street Fighter game that removed that stench was…..none. They all have some ridiculous asshole plots that center around “Dark Sides” and school girls and “fighting for the way of the warrior” or some rag tag battle against super villains (Bison just seemed like an ordinary villain, now he likes using some psycho drive to take possession of women because he’s a closet homosexual). Ever since the Alpha series, the Street Fighter franchise has gotten sillier and sillier with every new installment. Even SF3 with it’s hip hop and more “urban” feel just falls on it’s face with british people fighting for a car and diaper wearing body builders with dreams of ruling the world. I swear, Gill has to be the most retarded end boss I’ve ever seen. Nothing SNK has done has ever come close to eclipsing the idiocy behind Gill’s design. For a game called “Street Fighter”, we should not be having characters designed around the concept of a messiah complex. It’s a Martial Art’s themed video game for fuck’s sake. I’d expect this from SNK, but Street Fighter 3 felt more down to Earth in terms of characters being normal dudes just fighting each other. But then you get to Turd Strike and now you have Q, Twelve, Remy, all this animu bullshit. Ibuki and Oro was headache inducing enough, but now you have crazy bitch Makoto which all the tourneyfags want to plow harder than Chun Li.

None of this was alleviated with the Marvel vs games where the characters just wackier and wackier. I mean yeah the games were FUN, but it’s like they kept making the games sillier and more childish than usual.

I don’t understand Capcom’s desire to make their fighting games so silly and contrived. Everything after 2 was just a big mess. I suppose EX would’ve sufficed if it wasn’t for that techno geek white girl on rollerblades or that skullomania, but the game felt more like Street Fighter than anything capcom has done alone. I’ve resisted SF4 to a great degree because I smelled the shit storm of “comedy gold” and juvenile shit a mile away. Yun ALMOST sold the AE version, but I held steadfast. Raven was just cooler which is unfortunate because this game tarnished the FUCK out of him!

Oh well. It’s too late to change that tune when Capcom keeps talking of lacking “resources” to make a fighting game again. But maybe it’s for the best.

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