What’s this!? No stupid bitch!?

Sonic’s Lost Mind, currently causing a thousand shit storms over the webs because IGN did….. the same damn thing they do with plenty of Sonic games, hype it the fuck up and then toss it to ground, planting it’s ass firmly in the air to prep it for the long dick of their hypocrisy. The funny thing is…. I’m reminded of all the mess that came after Sonic 06 was released. It’s as if we played Regal Ruins all over again.

Damn I love Sonic R’s soundtrack. The damage control is in full force, and it ain’t pretty. You get complaints about bad controls “OH YOU JUST SUCK!”. Don’t complain about bad camera angles, you’ve never been a photographer.

I was previously asked by someone from SAera to do a defense for Sonic 06, and initially I had to pass on the request. There is a staggering number of problems against this game that you’d have to be pretty nuts to try to put together a coherent defense for it. And on a personal level, I don’t even like the game myself. I had to play it again after a long 7 years to see if it’s still as bad as I remember…. and yeah, it is. I actually tried a homing attack on the Wolf Robot and found my ass blasting off into outer space.

It was the funniest and (probably) coolest thing to ever happen in a Sonic game, and it was all by accident. It’s like Sonic took his self inserted game over from Sonic CD and took it to the next level and said “farewell cruel game!”

After fiddling around with the Silver boss fight and trying to get passed the Mach speed zone of Crisis City, I said “fuck this shit” and found a save online so I could play through most of the game without the effort and increase in blood pressure. I actually found Silver’s game more fun than initially seven years back. There’s just something about pulling bars apart and hurling loads of shit around at enemies that gives me a sense  of empowerment. And since he’s slow as molasses, it’s much less frustrating when trying to focus and fight enemies. After a while, even Sonic felt smooth to play through. Shadow’s game, I actually hate now because of that fiddigity ass homing attack nonsense where you mash the jump button as soon as you hit an enemy, and that would be his main attack. Plus, his game is bloated with vehicles and mini-missions where you spend more time looking for items or destroying search lights. And how does Shadow have access to his glider while being trapped in the future? Why does Chaos Spear only stun enemies and not KILL them!? O_O

Nerd perception aside, the PS3 version might have better load times as they weren’t a total bother like on the 360, though it seems to have more bugs (I can’t remember). I notice that when the characters land after a jump, they seem to stick to the ground a few seconds sooner before they actually touch the ground. It just irks me. I actually flew off loops in Wave Ocean a couple times despite being an automated sequence, and Flame Core, falling off the walls randomly while running, but these were about the only instances I’ve encountered so far. Everything else seems to work ok and I guess people over-inflated the frustrations of the Mach speed zones in Crisis City (dat shit was getting on my last nerve too), cause most of the complaints come directly from Sonic’s game. Sonic’s mode is the buggiest out of them all especially since the Mach Speed zones have terrible fuckin controls that don’t respond when you want to turn, which doesn’t help since half of Sonic’s stages feature the damn mach speed zones so it’s something that’s hard to escape. Praise Amma there are only 2 stages with snowboarding or else I’d go clinically insane from that shit. The Elise stages are bizarre in that you need to create a barrier just to go over sand and water. Where does that power even come from!? And why can’t I just run across that bullshit?

Overall, Sonic’s technical problems are probably inflated for everything else in the game cause I didn’t experience shit with Silver or Shadow combined. And the technical problems are the primary focus of “everything that went wrong with 06.”

Everyone talks about the bugs and glitches (most of which are very rare I might ad) and the bad playability, the controls, the camera, etc to explain just why this game bad. Fine. It’s easy to admit the game’s technical problems are there, and they can affect playability to an extent (cue Crystalize calling me a hypocrite). The game is a technical example of what not to do with any video game release. I doubt anyone could blame it on hardware inexperience as Sega has made 2 games for 360 prior to Sonic 06 (Some racing game and Phantasy Star Universe). From what I can gather, PSU isn’t hated for anything other than gameplay direction. “Now it’s a button mashing fest” or something. No details on technical problems or what not. It’s safe to say that Sega just didn’t give a fuck and put out a flawed product and then tried to scoop it under the radar (If Weber’s recent comments weren’t any indication). It’s simply inexcusible for this company put out games with these kinds of faults.

Ok…. now put all that bullshit into a box and label it as…. “Programming Flaws”. And put that into a separate area and look at the game without that box in mind. Can you say, in it’s entirety, that it is a bad game?

People reading this are quick to say “YES! EXTREMELY!”.

The additional characters, an attempt at a plot that isn’t made for anyone with no nutz, a return to “adventure style” gameplay, the RPG-esque gem system…….. music even?

A lot of 06 supporters are quick to say that 06 has nice ideas (none of which I see). Detractors are quick to disagree based on pre-meditated biases of the games flaws. But seeing as every game after it has been considered “RUINED BY GIMMICKS“, and seeing as the only problem people have with 06 is Programming flaws, I’d have to say they’re right. No one gives a shit about Sonic 06’s primary gameplay ideas enough to bash them into hell. It’s all about the programming flaws and the shippers raging at Elise for that Sonamy bullshit will never happen anywhere but that crappy ass Sonic X cartoon.

If Sonic 06 didn’t have nice ideas, you’d hear a lot more about  them since no one can speak anything but bile in regard to 06. No one likes the Wisps except Nintards, everyone hates the swords, the guns, the Mr. Fantastic wolf pussy, and the only complaint I hear about Silver is that “he’s slow”.

The detractors probably feel deep down that the “nice ideas” are pretty damn good, but focus on everything else that’s wrong.

When concerning the story, everyone says it’s needlessly complicated, but the only thing they complain about is the relationship between Sonic and Elise. I think the storyline takes heat from those damn shippers more than anything else. No one talks about anything else but Sonic and that needy bitch suckin face in the final levels. It’s almost disturbing. No one talks about the mythos of Sun worship and how far these crazy people are going to create a giant sun god to change history and what not, the idea of sealing a DEVIL inside of a child, the sheer awesomeness of Mephiles’s scheming, Omega actually being confirmed to be created for the sake of kicking Shadow’s ass (where by making Robotnik almost Batman like in prep time. 2 devices for taking down 2 god-like hedgehogs!?). Hell, the debate about Blaze’s status (Is she alive or dead!?) generated controversy for like….. a year until Unleashed came around and everyone started going batshit insane from a developer blog, but I digress.

If the story is bad because of “beastiality”, how do you accept the implications of interspecies relationship between humans and pokemon from Diamond and Pearl?

Oh fuck it.

This doesn’t make sense unless the argument is coming from shippers, or if they’re autistic. I mean we got Roger Rabbit with his human bitch, we got Droopy the dog with every white woman he can get his hands on, and hell, Peach might as well be fucking Bowser on the patio by now, where did Baby Bowser come from all of a sudden? Ironically, there are more pairings of Sonic and PEACH than ever before. I think it has less to do with the fact that it’s interspecies romance and more with it being treated as a serious implication. Because all those other relationships are in comedies. A Comedy screams “turn your brain off you cunt!” so the desire to care about the material on a ahem….. “personal” level (if possible) is non-existent. For 06, you’re expected to give a rat’s ass.

Whatever the reason, Sonic 06 is bad. Really bad. But not for the reasons given by it’s sheer amount of detractors. No that it matters due to the normality of hating Sonic, and 06 being the defacto example of what not to do with the franchise. And that hatred is based primarily off of programming flaws.

But even then, if you take that away, then people will attack the numerous mach speed zones, the snow boarding sections in all TWO levels, take that away, they’ll go to the beastiality issue, take that away, they go to “Sonic’s friends”, take that away and you have….. nothing. There’s layers upon layers of things not enjoyable in 06, it’s literally defenseless.

So why the fuck are we still talking about it!? Because Lost Mind NEEDS defending from it’s own set of detractors.

See, lately, the fanboys got the idea that since Lost Mind would not perform the Merkaba for the franchise, they are in damage control mode. Damage control, in every sense of the word, is the illegitimate justification of a person, place, or thing based on EXTERNAL factors that may or may not be relevant to the subject matter. Don’t like math, individual ability is at fault. Don’t like Obamacare, you’re a Nazi. Don’t like Last of Us, Tomb Raider, or Heavy Rain, you’re not the target audience. Think Mario Sunshine is shit, “at least it’s better than another Call of fucking Duty #24.”. With Lost Mind, Sonic 06 is now being used to uplift Lost Mind from bad PR.

I call this behavior “Comparative Mitigation“, and it’s one of the less common forms of damage control mostly because it is a crappy technique. By pointing out a universally reviled product, it is done to show that whatever was criticized is… “not so bad” in comparison to whatever they bring up. You can’t criticize Obama worth a damn, else you’ll hear about how much worse Bush was because he was in office when the banking system “crashed”. Recently, I got a comment from a GRNB about me liking Bubsy 3D over Yoshi’s Island. The argument is flawed because, as with all forms of Damage Control, it does not defend said product on it’s own merits and instead substitutes another inferior product in it’s place to take the blunt of the insult. And often times, you’ll hear this kind of argument from Nintendo fans because they’ve had YEARS of training since the Nintendo 64. Sony fandom is an ego fandom because they associate themselves with a successful product. The irony is that Nintendo fans took up the same behaviorial patterns after the Wii, and the damage control for the 3DS was incredible. You notice how you could never shit talk the 3DS without some asshole bringing up the damn  Playstation VITA!? Comparative Mitigation is their greatest vice.

Since current Sonic fans are really Nintendo fans, it’s no surprise why we are once again thrust back into the debates about Sonic 06. The funny thing is not only are Lost Mind detractors shit talking the programming flaws, they’re also attacking the content. You might get a few people that will go on to say that “well I like the story”, but that doesn’t make up for anything else. No one even talks about the MUSIC. That is a red motherfucking flag. Sonic games always get some praise for at least one song. But nothing!? All that hype about the same musician from Unleashed and there’s nothing on the music!? Fuck dat shit mang!

It gets really obnoxious when there are endless comparisons of Sonic to Mario. Ok, they’re both labeled platformers and there’s the rivarly of the 90s. But see, the thing that gets, out of everything else they do…. they do this as a means of bashing Sonic even more so than other franchise. No one will care about Ratchet and Clank, Sly Cooper, etc. etc. because then they’d have to admit Mario games have severe short comings. The easiest target would have to be the one with least amount of sales and the worst reception in the world. And who better than a rival mascot? I’ve said in the past that Nintards are sadistic fairies in that they take delight in tormenting any fandom that does not “appreciate” the objects of their fandom. And Nintendo fans have completely taken over the Sonic fanbase as if imperialistic conquest had been performed, so the rampant comparisons of Sonic to Mario is the keep the pure remnants at bay and silenced. And it’s easy to do so thanks to Neo Sega and their lack of fuck giving.

But the obnoxious thing is when Sonic fans do their own comparisons, the Mario sector has a STRONG tendency, and this pisses me off to no end, to go on the tangent of “well Sega is out of the console business and they’ve been working with Nintendo for a while, so the rivarly is over, shut up about it”. But these duplicitous mutha fuckahs will turn around and make a LAUNDRY LIST of comparisons of Mario to Sonic in order to silence dissent of ANY FUCKING SUPPORT anyone could have of Sonic the Hedgehog. And they know they can get away with it because, like Playstation fans prior to PS3, they’re associated with a successful product. Too successful for it’s own good, I might add, but successful nonetheless. What is Sonic? A fall from fuckin grace.

But compare Mario to Call of Duty, and it’s all about some “genres”. “It CANNOT be compared.” But you compare Mario to Sonic based almost solely on success these days.

The Sonic fandom is a big ass troll magnet. Like moths to a light bulb. You can have people like this Gligar13vids or Mariotehplumber who can go about freely ramming their dicks into the franchise without fear of repercussion because of the current normality. It’s like an African in Morocco, it ain’t safe, and no one will be sorry. How in the world can you defend a franchise that is handled by a company who would rather kill it off if they didn’t need the profits?

At this point though, I can safely say that, thanks to Nintendo’s insanity, the Sonic series is officially dead. It’s best to just move on to another franchise like other reasonable people do. Fortunately, Ratchet and Clank is pretty damn fun. HUZZAH!

Shard Reaper, mother fucker.