Now, i’ve just watched vids where Sonic…. is rolling around in Chicken machines where this white boy was saying it was “creative”. That’s the first red flag.

Then, in the next level, Sonic is being chased by sentient fruit, which is also one where you have to turn apples into urinated geysers. There’s a snow level where you’re a bowling ball for the entirety of it, there’s a desert world where the majority of time is spent in candy and a tree which makes no goddamn sense. There’s also a snow level that isn’t a snow level and is really a giant casino which equally makes no sense, no consistency within the Zone themes.

……….They really don’t give a fuck… at all, do they? I mean when are Sonic fans gonna wake up and realize just how badly they’re getting fucked by this company. I’m already hearing that they’re pissed off at IGN for giving this piece of shit a low score, because IGN has some sort of obligation to Japanese companies, right? I mean someone like me isn’t supposed to judge the game because I’ve never played it, but a company that’s PAID to play these games gets shit anyway because it’s not praise.

But either way, Sonic’s Lost Mind is not only the greatest embarrassment to Sonic fans and developers, it’s also the laziest Sonic game ever created. With all of it’s intricate splendor of game rules and shitty mechanics like turning into chicken mechs and snowballs, there’s also the time-tested nintendo rules of laziness that has been standardized within the company that, if Sega becomes to comfortable, will completely KILL the Sonic franchise faster than Iizuka could alone.

And there’s no better indicator than shit content. For one. The Lost Hex. What is this world? What is it’s significance to Robotnik’s plans? We are told that the Lost Hex is an “undiscovered” continent.

…….First off, this ain’t no damn continent. It looks like a jacked up moon. Shit, lets go to Mars and call that bitch Australia or something, the only aliens found would be US! Does that look like a continent to you? like a giant land mass surrounded by water? Sure, we’ll take Angel Island’s bullshit, but that looks like a continent.

Lost Hex is just some “undiscovered” world which gives the designers an excuse to not give it any history or mythology. Many Sonic games took place in a setting that had some significance OR uniqueness to the world itself. Little Planet fo r instance is a star that travels around Mobius (fuck Earth) every once a year and always seems to be in temporal flux thanks to the Time Stones. This would explain why it looks like Robotnik had already taken over when viewing the cartoon intro and bad ending even though when you get into the place, it seems about normal until Act 3 (if you didn’t Sankofa beforehand). Westside Island had the mythology surrounding the “mysterious stone” that ancient civilizations had worshipped before being wiped out for some unknown reason (this stone was infact the 7th Emerald). Robotnik goes here to get it. He also goes to South Island to get the other 6 emeralds. Space Colony Ark for the Eclipse Cannon. We already know about Angel Island’s Master Emerald and how it housed Perfect Chaos, the god of destruction whom destroyed Knuckles’s ancestors for the greed and lust for power.

Hell, any setting Sonic and the gang go to had some sort of significance and necessity for Robotnik’s master plans. Instead, for Lost Hex, he just goes here to build a machine to suck out energy from Mobius, I assume. The Zeti, whom he enslaves, also have no purpose or utility toward Robotnik’s plans given their ability to control magnetic waves is never put to use. Hell, going back to Sonic Colors, enslaving the Wisps was essential to Robotnik’s plan of creating a mind control device. Here, he’s just an ass who takes them prisoner for no real reason other than some minor confrontation in that comic. They have no significance toward Robotnik’s master plan of building a giant robot.

So… why… the fuck… are they on the Lost Hex? 

Reason being… it’s less work for the developers. See, everything about the Lost Hex and the Zeti spells lazy ass. Just looking at the design of many of the game’s opening acts spell random and sloppily thrown together designs. Why are many of the acts comprised of disjointed spaghetti lines!? Why is there a wall of water in Tropical Coast Act 1… that I cannot enter without being in a drill formation? See, Iizuka had already admitted that he and the rest of his ass buddies were going to be lazy on the game under the premise that you will now be able to see rings more clearly(Haha). But this laziness extends to the actual level design itself. Disjointed platforms and squiggly lines, tiny spherical platforms, straight lined tubes, the works. The look of worlds make the game feel like it takes place in the skies, above the clouds. Especially with all the smaller, floating islands and spheres you have to go through. What, is Lost Hex such a fucked up place that the very fabric of space, physics and geography are suspended for the sake of Chaos to roam? We don’t know, it’s just there. And everything takes place in the sky despite there being evidence of land on the surface.

This wouldn’t be so bad…. if they didn’t make a SKY ZONE! Lost Hex already takes place far above the damn planet and many of the worlds are up in the sky itself, no. There just HAD to be an area in the clouds right there with Iizuka’s head. Not just that, but a goddamn retread level! See, a retread level is where they take bits and parts of  previous levels to make up some sort of final level persay. The ultimate in lazy design, and something that Hideaki Kamiya seems to be a fan of considering every mother fucking Devil May Cry game and Bayonetta seem to be ass deep in! But to add insult to injury, it’s not even the final level, it’s a goddamn filler! And with Zavok as it’s main boss. If you ask me, it would make more sense for Zavok to be in the Fire Zone considering he has a DRAGON MECH and looks like the Christian Devil, but no, he’s been relagated to the fucking retread level that takes place before the only cool looking zone in the whole game.

The hexagonal shaping of the landmass was done just so they can have an easier time designing a world map. It’s not difficult to draw stage select screens on a map comprised of small hexagon shapes. How lazy is that shit!? Sure, it’s not any work to make maps on Sonic Colors, just a bunch of lines with no defining landmarks on the maps themselves, but damn.

Sega is getting too much like Nintendo. I know the game was published by those fuckers, but they took nintendo’s laziness and multiplied it by six.

Not only is the design of the game lazy, but it also screams desperate too. See, many of the game’s Acts are comprised of very inconsistent levels. Nothing seems to have a central theme beyond the first level. See, games like Sonic 3 had Acts that varied in atmosphere and environments, but they maintained a consistent theme. Hydrocity Act 1 looks like a regular sewer system, but Act 2 looks and feels like some ancient ruins. Ice Cap, Act 1 takes place mostly in a cavern at night, but Act 2 goes outside in daylight. Mushroom Hill is mostly a springtime place, but Act 2 the land is being drained. Sandopolis Act 1 is a desert with quicksand. Act 2 is inside a Pyramid with ghosts and lights as their gimmicks. Lava Reef Act 1 is mostly a volcano, but Act 2 feels like some mines with gemstone ore is being generated.

While they are different, they maintain a consistent theme within each act. There is no extreme change in your environment when progressing to the next, which has been a staple of the series up until SA2. Why the fuck am I moving from a desert… to a tree with beehives…. to a goddamn gourmet dimension with diabetic delights floating around the space!?

Because fat fuck Zeti likes food!? Please.

And a Frozen factory that holds a Casino is confusing as well. Were they so desperate to shove in as much nostalgia as possible just to say “we care about you classicfags!” Nostalgia without Context. Generations had context. They were traveling through time which game them an excuse to remake all the levels from past games and bring them to the forefront. That’s nostalgia WITH context. The context of time distortion gave way for nostalgia to flourish. Lost Hex is “new” and “undiscovered”, and has no reason for a Casino to exist on the planet seeing as the Zeti aren’t smart enough to run a business, and there doesn’t seem to be any form of life on the Lost Moon besides them.

And what of the Zeti do we know or care to know? We just know that they’re a “fabled” race that live on Lost Hex. Why are they “fabled”? Why would Robotnik go through the trouble of enslaving them if he never put them to good use beyond catching animals?

I know it’s the mark of an amateur to explain everything, but why make these…. “things” the main selling point of the game if you explain NOTHING about them? I mean say what you will about the giant Kaijuu monsters of the week, but we KNOW a little something something about them beyond inexplicable motives to destroy the world. Chaos is a GOD of destruction who punished Knuckles’s ancestor for being dicks and is angered by the world as a result. The Black Arms feel that humans are a sinful breed fit for nothing more than to be a good supply for their race. Mephiles is a being that became psychotic from scientic experiments gone wrong. Gerald Robotnik and Shadow wanted revenge against humanity for the death of a little girl. Not only that, but we know WHY they are important. Solaris is a god worshipped by a cult, Dark Gaia is an evil god that fought against Light Gaia (or that mogwai that loves chocolate), Shadow is “the Ultimate Lifeform” with alien blood, Chaos is a water god feared by forgotten civilizations, etc.

These villains have DEFINITION. They have CLARITY. They have defined motivations for why they’re assholes. The Zeti HAD Robotnik’s illogical and dickish enslavement, but they go nowhere with it. They aren’t important to anyone or anything. They have no significance in the world, and the worst part is that they have to rely on someone else’s tech just to be an actual threat to the world. Mephiles at least got an on-screen kill against the fastest thing alive with no work needed. I WANT someone to come in here and justify the necessity for the Zeti to use Robotnik’s tech.

Nothing in this game makes sense except the nicknames we give it. When you say someone has completely lost their mind, it’s implying that someone is mentally ill or behaving in a strange way. What’s strange? Completely Unusual. Not an expectation. Differing from the norm. As though the game were some desperate attempt to be completely different. That is the essence of a Lost Mind.

Nintendo ditching the Wii strategy to go after the HD crowd shows they’re out of their minds because they had a winning strategy going. Capcom ramping up on DLC to help their money troubles show they’re out of their minds because DLC was the reason people were AGAINST Capcom in the first place. Turning Sonic into Mario shows that Sega is out of their minds because Sonic’s claim to fame was being in direct competition to Mario.

And believe it or not, not having a console doesn’t automatically stop that from being the case. Turning Metroid into an FPS put it in competition with other FPS’s at the time like Halo, especially Halo. Creating the Kinect or Move put them in competition with the Wii motion controller. Turning RE6 into a action shoot em up puts it in competition with games like Gears of War or what not. What do you think turning Sonic into Mario Galazy do? Put it in competition with Mario Galazy. Hell, anyone putting games on a Nintendo console is in direct competition with Nintendo anyway, because they need to battle them for fans on their own turf. And the only company successful enough to battle Nintendo on their turf was Capcom with the Street Fighters and the Resident Evils. Why? Because Capcom put out quality shit to meet Nintendo halfway.

All these dumb asses going around saying “well Sega doesn’t have a console to compete against Nintendo” are spraying hot air. Sega not being in the business of selling consoles doesn’t mean they weren’t competing with Nintendo until now. This idiotic frenzy of pairing Nintendo and Sega together is nothing more than a power play for Nintendo to grab up more franchises to leech off of. It’s effectively removing competition on the software side and accumulating that power into their hands.

At the same time, this power play will DESTROY Sonic. If you make it nothing more than a Mario clone personified, then people will have LOST any reason to maintain interest in the franchise. You think people don’t give a fuck about Sonic now, just wait until the paid off metacritic shit rolls in. Sega will be so psyched by the fake good reviews that they will kill whatever is left of Sonic’s foundation.

Why? Well, why play Sonic if it’s going to be JUST like Mario? People will gravitate toward Mario and not even gleen at Sonic. It’s technically the same experience in a less popular franchise that is infamous for 2 bad games, attached to a company that actively flips you off these days. People pretend Sunshine didn’t happen because Nintendo hasn’t gone completely rogue like Sega.

At this point, the uncool and completely illogical content of Sonic’s Lost Mind will keep potential buyers at bay if the crap appeal of Pii U hasn’t done that already. Hell, that will be everyone’s excuse for why Lost Mind didn’t sell by the time February comes around.