This is 2 pieces in one because I’m too lazy to make separate ones.

Over the years, I’ve observed the course of the Sonic franchise in it’s entirety

5. Shadow the Hedgehog DID kill Sonic the Hedgehog.

No no, not the character you overly sensitive fuck. The game. We like to put the blame on 06’s shoulders because of all the massive hype. It’s a wonder that game got platinum hits.

Of course, this might seem strange. Why choose a game that everyone would agree killed the franchise? Mainly because had this game not existed, it wouldn’t be normal to bash Sonic.

Sonic 06 would never have been perceived to be the greatest shit stain in Sega’s career had perceptions of the franchise not been drowned in the form of pandering to the GTA crowd. At this point, seeing that the fans are reaching out to Nintendo of all fuckers to save the Sonic franchise even though they couldn’t give 2 lousy fucks about Sonic, I’m convinced this thing has done more harm than good. Sonic 06 would’ve just been perceived as a “beginners fumble” with HD development technology (even though they made Phantasy Star Universe prior). People are much more lenient with launch titles it seems. Bomberman Act Zero, probably one of the worst Bomberman Games of all time, went completely ignored in comparison to Sonic 06. I don’t think it was until Mass Effect 3 that any game had received such awful publicity as this title. Why? Because of the tenacious shit stain Shadow the Hedgehog left in it’s wake.

This game chased away so many potential fans, unmitigated by the media crucifixion that was in place and growing. The perceptions toward Shadow were so bad, so incredibly negative, so harrowing in that nothing could change the accepted notion that Sega had officially jumped the shark. X-Play became infamous for giving the game a 1 out of a 5, codifying it’s bullshit “brutally honest” mentality that has perverted the minds of the hardcore for ages. It was the 8th Deadly Sin. It was the Apocalypse.

Why do I say this when it’s common knowledge? Because that shit hasn’t changed since. People outside of the Internet literally believe the series is dead. The common response I get when I ask some folks about what they think of Sonic the Hedgehog, the response is “they still make those games?”. How fucking far has this series fallen since 2005? Yes, 06 made platinum hits, along with Unleashed. But the supposed “saviors” of the series met disappointing sales and no best sellers label. It has been an irrelevant series.

All because of one idea that got the greenlight. Why? Because SOJ doesn’t care about Sonic.

Just put out w/e Sonic game you can to rake in w/e cheddar you can scrounge up, and just get it over with”.

And they pretend nothing happens and bitches only when the Werehog failed to please.

So why do people say Shadow the Character killed Sonic? Well, gamers have a strong tendency to associate the quality of a character with the quality of the game that character appeared in. Sonic Advance 2 is considered good, therefore Cream is considered good. Sonic Rush is considered good, therefore Blaze is wrongfully considered good. Sonic 06 is considered shit, so Silver is considered shit.

But Shadow appeared in a game that was considered good, right? Yeah, it’s a bit complicated. Shadow is the anomaly of the Sonic series. He’s caused more divisions within the fandom than did Rouge’s tits (I don’t even know why Sonic fans hate tits all of sudden, might be the same they think Shadow Ribbon dancing is “cute”, but I won’t go that far).

It’s primarily the fact that he was brought back from the dead. I’ve said this a few times that Sonic Heroes was one of those celebration games which was like a “gathering” of Sonic fans across the diaspora of game consoles, PS2, Xbox, and Gamecube. Encompassing all the fan divisions. The universal fans (Team Sonic), the Anime fans (Team Rose), the hardcore nerds (Team Chaotix), and the SAera sector (Team Dark). The problem was instead of treating it as such, they made the game as some fucked up continuation from Sonic Adventure 2. Why? Because Iizuka is a moron who didn’t want to do SA3 back then, but that’s aside the point. Shadow’s abrupt ressurection was a necessity for this all-encompassing “dream game” to work. Why do you think Cream, Big, Rouge (with the exception of 06) and the Chaotix are completely irrelevant in the series thus far? The game was a “baby’s first Sonic” kind of game. I thought something was fishy when Knuckles had zero interaction with the Chaotix, and no shout outs to reference Knuckles Chaotix. The continuity between this game and Knuckles Chaotix was severed in order for this game to serve as something “introductory” at best. But that’s where Shadow’s inclusion completely muddles the process. His story continues directly where SA2 leaves off. His role is the only piece of continuity referenced (well, his and Rouge considering Knux was still after that pussy). And then we get Shadow the Hedgehog which is more of an SA2 sequel than not.

This is why people had the perception that Shadow was “stealing the spotlight” because for the most part, he had the most consistent story that tied everything together while everyone else served as…well…. warm bodies to move the plot along when necessary and/or convenient, so to speak. Sonic’s past history prior to Generations was not referenced at all in 06, Unleashed, and Colors, which furthers the perception that Shadow was stealing the spotlight. Shadow had the most story focus of the series, while everyone else was, for all intents and purposes, shafted. You have 06 that hints at Shadow’s importance while Sonic is a plot device to obtain the flames of disaster (this was poorly handled considering that Robotnik’s plan was to do this at the very beginning, but he CURSES Mephilis for doing what was necessary to complete his original objective.)

THINK ABOUT IT.

Amy was NOT pissed at Elise for kissing Sonic. INCONSISTENT WITH HER CHARACTER.

Knuckles is a complete Retard. VERY FUCKING INCONSISTENT WITH HIS CHARACTER.

Robotnik wants to obtain the flames of disaster, but curses Mephilis for obtaining it “in a certain way” that, for all we know, was the ONLY way to obtain the damn things. PLOT INDUCED RETARDATION WITH HIS CHARACTER.

Shadow’s story is the most consistent with his character, and further expands on his own personal development and relations with other characters should the series move forward with the adventure formula set by Naka. NONE OF THE OTHER CHARACTERS (aside from maybe Silver) gain anything from the plot of 06. Nothing significant, no personal growth, no expanding relations with other characters beyond what we already have from Heroes. And we damn sure wasn’t gonna see carrot legs again.

Knowing all of that, is it not logical to assume that mother fuckers would be set off!? All of the Sonic characters introduced were, for the most part, shafted while Shadow’s character was tinkered to work properly. It’s not hard to assume that he might’ve been an author’s pet at the time. Zero had the same treatment from Mega Man X with Inafune admitting he purposefully underminded X’s role to give Zero all the good parts. Zero even got tang twice bitch!!

And he scored a sistah too!? That son of a bitch!

It’s confusing now considering he blew off a resident Shadow fan recently, but Iizuka probably felt attached to his own personal creation to go the extra mile and ensure he was the only good part in Sonic 06.

So you have a character with obviously the most development focus, who had a game that ruined the franchise, but was continuously brought back reminding people of said game that ruined the franchise (like Nintendo’s habit of bringing back Tingle, and character no one likes) and Sega tends to self-congratulate themselves on games that piss everyone off (I LOATHE Seaside Hill, I wish you would stop reminding me that it exists), it’s not to farfetched to find why people feel that Shadow was ruining the franchise in some way.

I mean, Blaze was popular for like… 2 years and was ignored for the “Sonic Only” soldiers……goddamn….

People would not feel constantly threatened by Shadow’s presence if the other characters actually had some development themselves. Sonic has all the fucking spotlight in the world, and how is that working out for him? He flipflops between perfect to fuck up. Iizuka knows what to do with Shadow, but nothing else when it comes to everyone else? Are you shitting me right now? You made him a descendant of fucking aliens for Ra’s sake and…. I’m rambling again….

4. No one cares about the Advance series.

Yikes, yikes, and yikes.

Look, it’s alright to go on and suggest that there are still good Sonic games being produced…. but who gives a shit? The Sonic Advance Series (and Rush) are quite possibly some of the more overrated Sonic games in the series. And that’s no bull. When you have to go around with your endless save Sonic lists by constantly reminding everyone of the existence of these games, clearly there is something wrong here.

We could chalk it up to poor marketing all we want to, but a Sonic game shouldn’t have had any trouble selling on a Nintendo handheld with no competition. And yet, Sonic Rush beats the shit out of the Advance series on a handheld WITH competition. What’s wrong with that picture?

Sonic Advance 1 is the only game in that series that is deserving of any praise, it captures the essence of the original games near perfectly. After that? You’d be hard pressed to find any of them memorable. Shit, I still adhere to the belief that Sonic Advance 3 is the absolute worst Sonic game of all time. Yes, worse than 06. At least 06 wasn’t cursed with TOY LAND!

What was the Advance series’s real contribution to the series beyond making Knuckles more retarded than ever? CREAM!? That Powerpuff bitch hasn’t been relevant since 2004. No one aside from the nerds liked her. She was the very definition of uncool. She is the anti-thesis of Sonic. Just like that pepto-abysmmal bitch Amy.

But in all seriousness, they were just there to give you some sort of relief from the headaches of Heroes and Shadow and nothing more. Beyond that, there was nothing that drew you to those games. While handheld games rarely do anything to pull you in, there’s no reason these games could not have offered anything beyond “gameplay” and nostalgia to keep you coming back for……. nothing. The first game was like Sonic 4, based on nostalgia. It was a nice little “throwback”, but what would anyone expect from a sequel besides possibly more of the same? All Advance 1 did was blend Oldschool Sonic with a few of Adventure’s own features (Somersault Sonic, Punching Knux, Hammer Amy, etc.). But to it’s core, it was a traditional Sonic game. But Advance 1’s problem is the same as Sonic 3 (more on that later) in that it just didn’t have good content. infact, NONE of the advance titles had good content. They’re all very forgettable games with no merit beyond being a relief from 3D Sonic. And if that’s all they’re good (since we’re reminded of it all time) why bother? People can easily go to Pokemon if they wanted a relief from Sonic. There are a helluva lotta better games to go for than the Advance series. And many would agree.

3. Only the classic Sonic games have been truly successful.

So objectively better than Sonic Adventure 2.

Thanks to Vgcharts being an unreliable piece of shit, there’s a misconception about the success of Sonic 1 and 2. See, lifetime sales actually go up to 15 million for Sonic 1, and 10 million for Sonic 2. But if you were to go normally to VGcharts, you’d be given the impression that Sonic’s claim to fame was all hype from way yander.

While it’s best not to assume all sales figures given for current Sonic games are accurate (because it is “normal” to see Sonic as a failure in all accounts), it’s safe to say Sonic has NEVER seen the success of it’s first few installments. And for todays bunches of fans, that is a severely difficult pill to swallow.

See, young people naturally believe everything that is “old” is not good, or primitive. Outdated. Anything considered passed it’s time is…. “low quality” garbage. Better technology, graphics, w/e, we have improved games these days. Yet, for Sonic, pardon me playing Captain Obvious, shit really was bangin back in the day. You can curse and scream at the classicfags all you want to, but just like the Mario fans who troll ya’ll for Sonic games never outselling Mario games, the classicfags can boast because their favoritism is backed by historical evidence. There was tremendous interest in Sonic back in the 90s, and that goes for a lot of games not of the military shooter genre. Hell, even the ports of the old games sell more than Modern Sonic games. And this is a trend that has never ended. Ports of older games with newer, more modern sequels, tend to still sell higher than said modern iterations. That’s something Sakamoto probably loses sleep over considering Zero Mission was beaten by Metroid 1. It’s not unreasonable for Sega to continue re-releasing Sonic 1-3K in current forms because they still sell. Whether this is some sort of ploy by Sega to make shitty Sonic games just to sell Classic Sonic to desperate fans for quick cheese (the diabolical mother fuckers) remains to be discovered, but in the end, you cannot blame the/us classicfags for spittin dat moto.

2. Sonic 3K is overrated.

With the exception of Cool Knux

Then, Iizuka enters the picture and fucks up everything. Well, it was really Naka’s fault for being uncooperative and xenophobic.

Sonic 3 just didn’t catch on like 1 and 2 did. Course, by now, we would have Donkey Kong Country and Super Street Fighter 2 ass raping everything, but the only figures we can find on S3K are 2 million tops. That’s… fuckin…. low. Even for Sonic at the time. Having played the game, I can’t put this on competitors, the game is underwhelming in comparison to the megalithic 2. I can’t stress enough that the lack of levels, frustrating puzzles like that fucking drum, and the need to buy an extra attachment for the complete game had something to do with it all. Aside from Street Fighter and Pokemon, people aren’t that willing to buy expansion packs. Though Sonic and Knuckles sold slightly more than Sonic 3, I owe that to the Jamaican Guardian of the Master Emerald, and just having new levels all around. But Sonic 3 by itself is just dull. Shit levels, for one, that lacked the overall vibrancy and… “wonder” of the first 2 games. While the Ice Cap zone is one of many fan’s favorites, every other Zone comes off as uninspired and boring. Lifeless even. Carnival Night Zone alone is just notorious for being frustrating due to it’s confusing gimmicks and again…. that fucking drum. Not to mention the final boss, though difficult, felt anti-climatic at best. I don’t know anyone who likes Launch Base or Marble Garden. There are more memorable Zones from 1, 2, and CD. Everyone knows Casinopolis. Even ur mom knows it. Who cares about Hydrocity except me?

Sonic 3 was just tedious when it first came out. While the lock-on sequel was no better about the difficulty, it’s not a debate that the Zones were much better designed. Mushroom hill was just a gorgeous place alone, Flying Battery had tight ass music, and Lava Reef is still one of the coolest looking Zones in the series. Still, the rough design on enemy placement and shitty gimmicks like ghost lights in Sandopolis put a hamper on the enjoyment you could be having. And playing it alone would turn most people off. The real appeal of this game was the ability to play Knuckles in both Sonic 2 and 3, boosting the replay value of 2 games for the price of 1, literally! But the game itself suffers from shit design choices thanks in special way to Iizuka thinking “challenge gimmicks” in an already gimmicky series was a good idea.

1. Endless Possibilities is a shitty theme song.

…..Yeah. Actually, I don’t even care.

1a. Crush 40 is overrated.

Don’t get me wrong. I feel that “What I’m made of” is the second best final boss theme to have ever been featured in the series, but their quality of music has dipped a bit in recent years. With the possible exception of Black Knight, Their latest songs have been quite dry. I even found their remix of Sonic Boom to be lacking in a few areas. That shit NEEDS female vocals dammit. Plus, the inclusion of Cash Cash fucking destroyed any possibility of that remix being good (and no, that’s not 40’s fault, I know I know). Their remix of “With Me” was also a tad underwhelming. Sounded too similar to “All of Me” from Shadow the Hedgehog.

I think the real problem is that all of their music since Heroes sounds too samey and indistinguishable. Especially the boss themes from Black Knight. They usually play at the same exact speed, similar tone/pitch (not an expert at music terms, sue my ass), just… samey all around. If you heard one Crush 40 song, you’ve heard them all. Even bands like “Disturbed” change it up a bit every now and then. You get the heavy metal shit, and then you get some weird soft solo with violins playing (WTF!?). Crush 40 is really the same all around. Whether it was Sega’s orders or no, there’s very little variety within their talents.

That’s just me, of course. And all this after “Never turn Back” really. Oh wait, that was Shadow the Hedgehog…

Now… the moment you’ve never waited for.

As we march ever closer to the release of a thousand shitstorms (unless there’s an extra delay), we find that Lost Mind had quite a few leaks from early releases. So I feel I can relieve myself from that hold off. But, I feel it’s my duty to save you money on preorders. Hopefully this dirt is accurate.

Someone’s revealed the ending of Sonic’s Lost Mind while trying to hype up Robotnik’s role to absurd levels.

In the true scenario, things are a bit more serious. After Eggman’s mech is defeated, the entirety of Lost Hex immediately begins to shake, revealing the Death Egg mk.II getting close in orbit and trying to suck it back up to recombine with Little Planet, which is still inside it. Eggman laughs at Sonic for foolishly “siphoning” the energy needed to reactivate it, and thanks Sonic for unintentionally repairing his most deadly creation (he really does screw up in this game), and as a reward for everything going according to plan he tells Sonic he’s played him and the Deadly Six this entire time. The Deadly Six didn’t intend to try invading Sonic’s world, but instead they were merely defending their homeland from Eggman. Eggman was able to conquer them with his Badnik army and his controlling device, but he anticipated Sonic screwing everything up as usual so he got control of them one-by-one when they were defeated by Sonic at his respective zones. But his “backup plans now have backup plans,” so he had every member captured when they were weakened after their final defeat at Lava Mountain and taken to the Death Egg mk.II to be roboticized, making Eggman a (OMG) serious threat that’s stronger than ever. Sonic boards the Tornado to assault the space station before it sucks up the Lost Hex with Sonic’s friends on it, as well as set things right by saving the Deadly Six.

So, yeah, Robotnik “plotted” everything and tricks Sonic. And the Six Deadly Retards are good guys after all. WOW! THEY TOOK THE PLOT OF SONIC 3 AND KNUCKLES AND REUSED IT AGAIN! I’M SOOOOOOOOOOOOOO HYPED! Srsly, you were conquered by badniks, how fucked is your life? Did they have bad enemy placement!? THAT MUST’VE BEEN THE KEY TO THEIR SUCCESS!

Honestly speaking, that is the most retarded plan out there. It’s long-winded and too bloated for the sake of deception. Why don’t you just shoot him next time? I mean, who DIDN’T that shit coming? Robotnik taking down Super Sonic is still more epic than this shit. I’m amused at the obligatory references/cute shit to CD and 3K, like it really fucking matters.

Oh shit…… broken promise. Fuck it. I’m in meltdown phase.

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