Castlevania, Harmony of Despair, I believe, is one of the few digital titles you should probably get if you’re a quote…. “retrofag” as I have been labeled in the past. If you’re a Castlevania fan or fanboy/girl, or you just like…. games like this, then yeah. It’s something that should’ve been put on the Wii considering how simple it is to play, but at the same time it’s a game that will rape you to crumbs often. Castlevania used to be known for doing that before they made the idiotically titled “Metroidvania” games where they all seem to be made for pussy anime fans who don’t know what an actual challenge is (sans COTM and OOE). Given that the game has the same style as the “Metroidvanias”, it’s surprisingly fuckin hard.

Oh… you think you slick!?

Funny enough, the way the game flows feels similar to how dungeons flowed in the Legend of Zelda series. Or at least the first 2-3 games. See, those Zelda titles had dungeons that could be completed in order 2 minutes tops, you know, get in, handle your business, move on to the next one in your world map. They would take longer if you didn’t know how to navigate. These were more like mazes, not giant shrines filled with baby step puzzles everywhere you go, them shits had some DANGER to it’s hollowed corridors. Most of the time you spend navigating and trying to survive the dungeons themselves, looking for any treasures that could aid you on your quest. Along the way, you face off against enemies that can and probably will kill you. It flowed in a way that doesn’t really impede your progress until you’ve solved some random puzzle with a silly intricate mechanic that made the dungeon itself feel artificially crafted by that bitch Hylia, they were really just dark caverns filled with traps and enemies.

See, Zelda stopped feeling like Indiana Jones and started feeling more like that Nickalodeon game show, I think it was “Legends of the Hidden Temple” where they had children running around this fake ass temple solving puzzles under a time limit. Except that show was fun to watch. Not so much to play.

“A contestant assembles a three piece statue in the Shrine of the Silver Monkey. When the statue is built correctly, the unlocked doors of the room will open and the contestant can advance towards the artifact,” Does that NOT sound like some shit you do in Zelda?

Here’s one full chapter run from CVHD. These people are slow to get through (should’ve picked a Belmont, not those puss ass animu magic characters).

Hold up. Where’d he get that gun from? Eh, w/e. You see how it it flows? The only things that impede your progress are enemies and some traps. But even then, you have some Zelda elements in there like filling an area up with water so you can reach a higher room. There’s also tons of treasure chests lying about with health, gear, what may have you. How long they take depends on your navigation and ability to kick ass, not how big they are or how long it takes to assemble a boss key. And the enemies and bosses are actually a challenge. You have to LEARN when to attack and what not, the boss’s weaknesses aren’t just given to you blatantly.

Most of the elements are there (switches for doors even), all you’d need would be keys for certain doors, a dungeon exclusive item, etc.

And before any of ya’ll puss ass hardcore dipshits come in here, NO it don’t have to be “2D” for this shit to work. Hell, Castlevania Legacy of Darkness is a better Zelda game than Aonuma Zelda. Aside from the Castle Center/Tower of Ruins/Outer Wall/Villa-Garden Maze levels, yeah. It works. It’s the “nature” and structure of the game itself that should be replicated. Or more appropriately, “brought back”.

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