I was under the impression that I was on everyone’s shit list.

I don’t know how I missed this mess. The Iwata Asks interviews felt like silly college discussion sit downs where people go around waving their dicks in each other’s faces about their lives and how they’re the shit in everything they do. I mean just look at how these things start out.

Iwata: Thank you for coming today.

Everyone: It’s a pleasure.

Iwata: Today, I have gathered staff members from SEGA and Nintendo for a session of “Iwata Asks” to discuss Mario & Sonic at the London 2012 Olympic Games. First, I would like you to say what you worked on for this game, also mentioning any past Mario & Sonic games you may have worked on.

Ohashi: Okay. I’ll start. I’m Ohashi-

Blah blah, get to the point! Damn, I hate how these things start out. Like people are really interested in how the game was made. I mean how awkward do these people sound? “Okay. I’ll start!” Damn, Nintendo doesn’t know what they’re doing with these little “discussions”. Oh, here’s my favorite quote.

Ohashi: No. Well, to be precise, the first game I worked on after joining the company was Sonic the Hedgehog 3 for the SEGA Genesis.3

3Sonic the Hedgehog 3 for the SEGA Genesis: An action game released by SEGA Corporation in February 1994. The SEGA Genesis is a home console released by SEGA in August 1988 in Japan. Also known as the SEGA Mega Drive.

Gotta love that. The Nintards are so ignorant of video games outside of Nintendo, the company themselves felt it was necessary to give them a history lesson on what Sonic 3 was. Even yo mama knows what Sonic 3 is. It was only considered the so-called “best” Sonic game on Genesis.

Iwata: How did such an unprecedented project as Mario & Sonic at the Olympic Games become popular with so many people, especially in Europe and America4? 4The total number of copies sold for the Wii and Nintendo DS versions of Mario & Sonic at the Olympic Games surpassed 10 million in Europe and North America. Also, the total number of sales for the Wii and Nintendo DS versions of Mario & Sonic at the Olympic Winter Games surpassed 8 million copies in Europe and North America (as of 10/2011).
Ohashi: We were surprised ourselves! (laughs)
Shit, me too! But, I suppose the idea of a cross over between 2 big ass gaming mascots was all it needed. Course, sports games in general have no trouble selling, but one featuring gaming icons? It’s a no brainer.
Iwata: SEGA already had an established reputation making sports games. What do you think was the key to Mario & Sonic not ending with the first game and continuing on as a series?
Ohashi: Hmm… There were many keys, and some I don’t really understand, but I think the setting of the Olympic Games was a big factor.
It was CHEESE you dumb ass! This shit was stacking more paper than Sega had seen in years. What other “key” would there be besides Nintendo’s getting jammed in your ignition?
(Shigeru) Miyamoto-san had also talked about this, but the game worlds of Super Mario and Sonic the Hedgehog are not perfectly compatible, so simply mashing them together wouldn’t have worked.
And yet, here is Lost Mind’s very existence to prove it factual. Yet there is so much brainless hype surrounding this game, it’s as though it were a subliminal test to prove it could work while not being an exact copy.
Iwata: But a game world that transcended both Mario and Sonic existed in the form of the Olympic Games.
How did the world of the Subspace emissary manage to accommodate Mario and Sonic in the same space?
Ohashi: Yes. If some problem arose, we could say, “But it’s the Olympic Games, so it’s all right… right?” (laughs) If someone said, “Mario runs like this,” or “Sonic runs faster,” we could say, “Well, the 100-metre sprint at the Olympic Games is supposed to be like this,” so it was good for settling matters.
Iwata: SEGA and Nintendo had talked for a long time about having Mario and Sonic appear together, but an acceptable setting was hard to achieve. I suppose the Olympic Games fitted that bill quite nicely.
And so the truth is they over-thought the logical facts of Mario and Sonic’s abilities. Was this done to prevent fan wars on the internet?
This is bullshit. If you could limit or remove their natural abilities for a sports game, you could easily nerf them for a fighting game or some sort of action platformer. I think the issue is that the Japanese pay too much attention to details, which causes them to overthink how to do something logically without making it unfair for either party. Afterall, no one wants a Mega Man that gets his ass whooped by Iron Man sideways again.

Now if only they would use X instead.

Kasahara: In my own opinion, when you line up Mario and Sonic… I actually like Mario better.

Iwata: Is it all right for you to say that, Kasahara-san? (laughs)

Everyone: (laughs)

Kasahara: But to be honest, I think a lot of people are like that.

Oh right, I forgot. The Japanese just don’t like Sonic.

Damn man, how do they stomach the necessity to keep making Sonic games if they can’t be arsed to show it some love? I mean again with this favoritism toward Super Mario. Fine, the guy has no experience with Sonic beyond Sonic 3 or w/e, but that’s your fucking mascot. And like it or not, one of the reasons for it’s success was being the anti-Mario. If the primary team currently behind the mascot does not show at least some bias toward their own franchise, what hope does Sonic the Hedgehog have, if any at this point and time? Unless you haven’t figured it out with the overwhelming time you’ve been listening to the internet, we take shit too far. If we hear the creators showing a lack of love for their own shit, we lose faith in your ability to make it kick ass. Look at Eiji Aonuma’s interviews. No zelda fan outside of those fucking Nintards have faith in Aonuma’s ability to make Zelda kick ass. The sega devs just come out with it. “FUCK SONIC, HELL YEAH YAKUZA!”

Iwata: Did you discuss things like what Princess Peach should wear to go swimming?

Kasahara: Yeah, definitely. (laughs)

af0a0ab64714abb6022cac252fd896ae

I couldn’t think of a more appropriate image.

Seriously, is that not creepiest shit to hear in an interview?

Ohashi: But in Super Mario games, he does swim in overalls, so while we thought, “Maybe that would be all right,” we also thought that since it was a sports event, if he didn’t wear swimming trunks…

Iwata: He would be breaking Olympic regulations.

Damn, that facebook guy is right. All they care about is the fucking Olympics. Details about swimming trunks and sporting regulations, who the fuck cares!? As long as it’s a cracka with a big ass nose and red cap, and a naked blue rodent with some red shoes, then who…. really…. cares about that shit!? You act like getting all the details wrong would’ve made the game sell less! Look at these asshole yap all day long about taking liberties with Sonic’s ability to swim. How anal are the Japanese?

And they thought getting these details right was what made it a success? Dammit, Nintendo is stupid! They don’t understand their own success anymore! 2 gaming icons in the same fucking game together. That’s all it really took! They’re all like a bunch of internet nerds debating about the CORRECT way to do shit!

Oh Amma, no wonder Japan is falling out. They’re all internet nerds in the industry now.

Ohashi: Mario & Sonic has two broad categories of events. The main one is the regular Olympic events. You tend to try to set records in that one, so it’s fairly serious gameplay. The Dream Events, on the other hand, have strong party-game elements for simultaneous play by four people.

Watanabe: We can emphasize the characteristics of Mario and Sonic in the Dream Events, so we could put in gameplay more like a regular video game.

Well why in the fuck didn’t you do that exclusively without the sporting events!? A PARTY MINI GAME sounds waaaay better than being anal of Olympics regulations. Shit, Mario and Sonic are trapped on a board game by some….toy master or some other gay shit, and the 2 must duke it out to save either of their universes, MK style… or put aside their differences and defeat toy master. OR some kind of shit besides the damn Olympics where Robotnik and Bowser dick around again.

A bunch of silly minigames! What, Nintendo had no problem with the saturation of rail shooters, but mini-games are suddenly a problem? A minigame collection automatically negates a characters abilities to abide by rules set by the minigames themselves, but they naturally feel like video games instead of motion controlled ass wankery!

Ohashi:

Yes. And while lots of people like the Olympic Games in Japan, in Europe and America – especially in Europe – they’re really passionate about the Olympic Games.

Iwata:

I hear that people in Europe really do love the Olympic Games.

Ohashi:

Yeah. A lot of voices in Europe said they wanted us to increase the number of regular Olympic events.

The Japanese are showing the Europeans plenty of love for some reason. I was under the impression that they were shit to Japan.

Yamane: If you break the screen into four windows, it lessens the feeling that everyone is playing together. And it gets harder for people standing around watching to see who is winning.

Or you’re just lazy. Nintendo devs always, ALWAYS have excuses for lazy development practices. Remember when they said they made Zelda a ghost in Spirit tracks because they didn’t want to give her feet?

Aaaaaaaaaaaaand the rest of the interview is where they talk about gameplay modes no one gives a shit about seeing as the sales kept getting lower as the series progressed.

Shit man, Nintendo didn’t even seem interested in bringing their icons together, it was all about the fucking gameplay as usual. I feel SAera covered just how shit the Olympics games are.

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