If there was one picture I could use to describe this game, it would’ve been this.


Course, when considering that this game just shoves new enemies into your face after every one nowadays. It’s a good thing I get some new power up which just… kicks ass here.


So after I finally destroy the Claw enemies by discovering that whip weapon I had actually serves a purpose beyond looking cute.


After mercilessly vanquishing the minions of Yurugu, I proceed to a stairway that has some… snake wind thing that’s easy enough to avoid. As I make it to the next pillar and enter, I once again face off against a new enemy. Some demon with a shield. Easy right? Well, Kamiya shows he knows nothing of balance and throws 2 of the mother fuckers at me. You know, if you’re gonna introduce a new enemy that requires possibly any strategy beyond hit and run shit, you could stop handing me 2 of the sons of bitches at once when I first meet them!

Thankfully, I destroy them easily and continue up the staircase. Then, I have to wall run while big ass pieces of rubble fall. Should be easy enough, but I failed to take notice of certain walls that turn into fire. I get burned, then a big mother fucking piece dropped on me and… I die.


Ok, so I watch my step now and make it to the top. It be windy as fuck outside! Turns out, there’s a large tornado outside. Hurray, I get to face my fears. I decided to explore for some reason, thinking there would be some supplies around. All I found was one of those hidden challenge rooms. Defeat the claw monsters with only 10 punches and 7 kicks. …………Yeah….. fuck that shit.

Went back up, great. Now snake way is crumbling. Easy enough to cross. At the top of the pillar, I once again have to fight a new enemy. A tiny dragon. Thankfully, it’s an easy boss so after using a new bird…. “climax”, I press on until I get to a point where time slows down and I have to continue jumping on platforms until yadda yadda.

Then, we meet up with Jeanne (red bitch) once more. Apparently, she’s in cahoots with the angels as she yaps about not needing their help to kill Bayonetta. Then, Bayo and red bitch show off their 133T chicken fighting skills…… wait… what?

Oh yah… that shit is happening!

After a little while, we fight. Since I was low on health, I died even though I was owning that bitch.

Next fight, I can kill her. But then she pusses out and escapes….by transforming into a lion!? Man, I wanna do that! Oh wait… tutorial says I can by tapping dodge twice?

I can become a panther? NIIIIIIIIIIICE!

Fucking LOVE Panthers!


Now that I’m giddy as a school girl, I arrive to my next destination just playing with my new transformation.


……..I wasted like… 15 minutes just doing that shit. Afterward, I continue onward, breaking through gates and fighting shielded angels again. That Panther tech isn’t for show, that actually helps with evading attacks! I can spam that shit and not take any damage. You know I’m in love right now! The next Hell gate I get to, I go right ahead and buy the Crow transformation too.

But it sucks 😦

So after a while, I come to a lake or w/e and I find another one of those damned dodge puzzles. But before I can use it, it must be repaired by fighting 2 more dragons. 2! So, with my 133t Panther skills, I rip whole sale ass on these dragons, obliterating the shit out of them! And then I continue with the dodge puzzle at hand which, this time, allows me to stand on geysers of water. It’s actually kinda cool.

Afterward, I find a hall of javelins that poke out from the floors. Joy, he brought back another feature of DMC3 that I hated. The Javelin walls. Thankfully, they’re easy to get passed, but then I get snagged like 3 times on the final Javelin panels, taking out large chunks of health. Along the way, I notice these little panels that you need to press while in Panther form, and I’m thinking “how the fuck and I supposed to activate them with all these Javelins!? I done made it passed this bitch, and then you got me needing to go all the way…”

Then I noticed a little glowing light from some rubble, I smash them and find a lever to stop the Javelins. Good! Problem solved.

But then some enemies spawned, and due to me being low on health, I died.

*sigh* So I go back in, do the dance with the Javelins and beat the enemies again. After that, I go up further to find that I have to fight… not 1…. not 2… but FOUR….MOTHER…. FUCKING…. CLAW ENEMIES! You know I was raped to crumbs multiple times for this part. The whip just had to take a back seat for this fight. SHOT GUN RAGE!

After blistered thumbs, I press on to an outdoor bridge with more enemies. Unfortunately, the damn thing collapses under my feet. 133T ASS PANTHER TIME!

Damn, I love this power. I feel… awesome…. strong… invincible.

Anywho, the story continues. We find the little girl from earlier whom I assumed was Bayonetta’s daughter… which is basically confirmed after I kill a bunch of enemies. Bayonetta is annoyed by little “Cereza” calling her “mummy” all the time. Cause “strong, independent women don’t have children” or something. So I’m forced to drag the little shit with me for the next portion of the area. When I get up to a certain stairway, more enemies pop out, but I can’t seem to damage them. And worse, they can kick my ass and harm the little shit. …..*Stuck*

So… after 2 hours of confusion and hopeless anger, I get back into the game and jsut say “Fuck ya’ll, i’m making a run for it!”. And… that’s what you had to do.





So now I’m indoors and then I am pursued by a giant pedophile angel. He enjoys holding Cereza back, but since it’s invisible, I have to hurl cars at it. It’s kinda boring.

At the end, I find another stargate and enter inside. We’re back in Paradiso, but it’s no longer sexy looking. And then, more angels attack.

“Cereza, watch and learn!”

And then I died.

VG Cats - I can't believe it's not Updated_1367606609993

They keep giving me 2 lions at once, and maybe I missed something, but apparently they now have some stun attack where they roar and you get stunned. The problem here is that the attack is not easily telegraphed, combined with being pre-occupied with 2 other enemies at hand, so it’s not easy to avoid considering it’s BIG FUCKING RANGE!

But eventually, I persevere and continue onward. Next, the giant pedohile returns, and now he’s taken a grand fondness to Cereza and placed her on his nose while she cries and screams. And…. I’m not punished for going crazy and beating the hell out of the angel. After my victory, the poor pedo reaches out for Cereza while my hair dragon emasculates the tremendous creature. So all is well…. wait. So now there are 2 Bayonetta’s!? Next thing I know, I’m racing through a hallway with light beams.

This game officially makes no goddamn sense.

At the end of the hallway, this apparent doppleganger spots me, Cereza runs away… and then they challenge each other to some sort of stripper dance competition.

This game officially makes no goddamn sense.

After the “real bayonetta” wins, there’s a fight with not one… not 2…. but 3 enemies called “Joy”. Of course, being dopplegangers, they have all of Bayonetta’s current abilities. Luckily, they take hits like bitches and fall easily. Afterward, I pass through the stargate and somehow I lost track of Cereza. As I pass through the gate, level complete.


We’re back in civilization? Eh… ok. We meet Luka again on a small bridge, and he managed to find Cereza with him.  Again, Luka talks shit and assumes that Bayonetta killed Cereza’s parents. That is until she calls her “Mummy” again. Luka is confused that Bayonetta would have a child. And… she remarks that making babies is an enjoyable pasttime. The whore…

Anywho, this whole segment was such a blur, I can hardly remember it all. Next, I fight off against this big mother fucker called “Temperance” who controls tornadoes.

“It’s like I’m a fucking celebrity in this town!” – Best line of dialogue I’ve heard in the whole game.

And now the boss fight. I like how nothing is readily apparent in this game. I know I have to destroy the hands while I’m being carried in the air on a platform, but when he gets ready to punch, I have no way of avoiding it. So that’s more damage I’m taking damange without any real means of avoiding it. I don’t know if there’s some sort of secret or some button prompt that needs to appear, but that attack seems unavoidable at best. I have to destroy the fingers as fast as possible. Then, after dicking around with the shining fingers, I do a little QTE and latch onto the arms in which I yadda yadda died twice, boss has a tongue attack and ate me out, boom, he’s dead. Cute how Bayonetta parodies the femme fatale trope of mutilating male genitalia.

Then, we get to a highway where Luka just up and buys some tank car… and breaks through some military check point. Well… I believe I should stop paying attention to the story because now everything has lost it’s grounding and stopped making sense.

Still, it lead to probably one of the most entertaining levels in the game. The motorbike. I’m not even gonna ask how she knows how to drive one of those things cause FUCK I’M BLAZING FAST!


Afterward, I find myself back in the first city. Drifting in space. See… now I’m pissed off. Why the fuck am I back in this place? I know this is a game that doesn’t take itself seriously, but if I have to revisit areas so soon like this, there should be a damn good reason.

Kamiya has a bad habit of sending you back to previous areas after half the game is done, it’s like he continues to run out of a budget and must make due with levels we already got. So I’m back in the city that should’ve burned to the ground, but is drifting into space, and now I have to find keys. Fucking fetch quest. I didn’t even bother beyond the 3rd key that was split apart into several pieces while some giant ball desires nothing more than to smash you into smitherenes.

So, for this portion, it felt like the game was getting better. The Panther ability is riveting as all hell, and using those transformations mid-fight is useful in a ditch. And the motorcycle level was also pretty damn good. On the other hand, having to get used to a new enemy so soon after the last new enemy was a chore because it meant having to study new enemy patterns over and over again. Bosses are still assholes, and now P* bullshits me by sending me back into the previous areas with no content explanation for why. I’m just sent here after the bridge.

It’s really annoying because these past 2 areas were already long and drawn out, but having to go right back to them so soon is really irritating. I lost a lot of motivation to continue onward now that I have to find keys while traversing transparent roads, fighting the same “Joy” dopplegangers over and over again.

And the story has lost it’s own plot. I have no idea what Luka is up to, why he has Cereza, or why Jeanne is working with the angels since they’re supposed to be enemies. All I know now is there is some group called “Ithavoll” that has some big plans. What they are, I have no idea, but they were on some island that Luka was headed for. So why am I in space in these previous areas again? It’s frustrating.