When we last left off, I kicked the shit out of 2 big ass bosses.

DAY 2

Alright, so there’s yet another “dodge” puzzle in which I must race to a bridge area and destroy this wall in time. You know, these dodge puzzles are too numerous to even matter, it’s like Kamiya couldn’t think of more clever “intricacies” to bother with so to make getting to a destination faster, he puts in this shit. Why don’t you just put your cock through my copy of Bayonetta while you’re at it, you expect everyone else too considering the gratuitous sexuality of a character that is simply not attractive.

Ok, so after said puzzle, we get to an area where a little girl is found and can easily be assumed to be Bayonetta’s daughter. She has yet another flash back that details nothing and then we fight this 2 headed dragon again. This is one of the most tedious boss fights I’ve ever dealt with, especially given that gun attacks are incredibly weak, and opportunities to deal close range damage is limited to situations (boss attacks, misses, has poor recovery leaving it open to attack, blah blah). Then they pull some quick time attack where Bayonetta does some DBZ shit and hurls giant stones at the dragon. Oooooook.

So we fall back to the town square and for some reason, Satan gets pissed off and tries to burn the fucking city to the ground. I’m like well damn! I’ve served yo ass well, least you could do is keep me out of Auschwitz!

After this point, the enemies take steroids for the remainder of the game and start becoming a threat, and you will likely gain carpel tunnel from trying to kill them because now enemy battles are a drag. If it’s not the flaming imps that damage you simply by attacking them, it’s those fucking dogs that can lunge at you in the air and maul your ass like no one’s business. At this point, I’m raging because it’s not even halfway through the game (I think, it’s barely in 25%) and they’re beating whole sale ass on me!

Is that name supposed to be ironic, Kamiya?

Afterward, you have to wall run while lava starts pouring throughout the city. At the same time, more angelic enemies try to impede your progress. After a while, you’ll find yourself in some random cave with more fire imps.

Then, you get to a large cavern with a lava lake and a bridge. So I cross the bridge, then QTE dodge a falling pillar that destroys the bridge. So now, in the most obvious stance of padding the game, I must use some stargate looking structure and pass through to Paradiso (heaven). This is the most gorgeous mother fucking area I’ve seen so far in this game, hot damn. So after running around for a bit, I find an hour glass that can reverse time. Joy. So I go back, repair the bridge, and run like hell because Kamiya thought it would exciting to through super strong enemies in my path. Asshole enough, the pillar still falls and tries to kill me, but I make it one piece. Leet skills, bitches. Then I die on the second bridge because it crumbles too damn fast.

And….I die multiple times trying to make it across. It’s one of those multiple section bridges that break off as you jump on them. You should’ve heard the F-bombs I was firing off because, for a moment, I thought it was bad design because the last section of the bridge collapsed to soon and there was virtually no way for me to make it to that staircase. So it’s like everytime I jumped off, I die! Turns out, I wasn’t to jump at all until some button prompt appeared on screen in which I jump safely to some protruding rocks at the bottom of the lake……. yeah, I was never supposed to make it across. THANKS FOR THE CLUE ASSHOLES! This was, without a doubt, the worst scripted nonsense I’ve ever seen in a video game. And this wasn’t the first time thus far, and it definitely won’t be last.

So I traverse the lake of fire only to find that, randomly, giant fireballs start to launch out at me as soon as I get close to the platforms. Gee… after passing through, I find myself doing more wall runs to avoid getting hit by more fireballs as I made my escape.

Feed it your hostility. Pierce it with your hatred.

Now I come to a Colosseum where I once again have to fight that 2 headed dragon. After some of Bayonetta’s shit talking, we gets to fighting. Here is when attacking the boss becomes a matter of trial and error, something that DMC was notorious for. So after about 7 tries, I ragequit in disgust.

DAY 3

5 more times… ragequit again.

2 hours later after PS3 cooldown.

3 more times, actually got passed the first part and broke one of the heads off! Yay! I’m finally destroy-

Missed a QTE… 4 times… rage quit again.

DAY 4

Ok, so after a million QTEs, I finally succeeded in mercilessly destroying this son of a bitch. My war cry echoed through my apartment and got many broomsticks to my floor, all the while being stupified at Bayonetta risking life and limb for a lolipop.

After my grand victory, I now progress to a new area. Stone bridges suspended in the air. I find a few more journal entries, and I think I’ve solved the mystery of the amnesia plot. (SPOILERS FOLLOW FOR THOSE WHO GIVE A DAMN)

According to said journals, there were apparently 2 clans. The Lumen Sages and the Umbra Witches, the Sun and Moon respectively. Both male and female. Basically, they had tribalistic tendencies toward each other, but also met on peaceful terms. While the sages usually drew power from holy sacred…ness, the witches drew power from the dark arts. Due to their duality and differences, they were never allowed to… “mingle” for to do so would destroy some balance of power. Looking at the intro of the game and Bayonetta’s apparent daughter, she probably whored herself out to some random Sage and made a baby that was considered an “unholy child” which would explain her predicament. HURRAAY! I SOLVED THE STORY!

Then I proceed to get ass raped by new, wolverine styled enemies…. like 5 times. I’m getting sick and tired of battles that start off with a QTE. As soon as the cutscene ends, I have to press Tri and Circle just to lock the enemy into a trap and do half damage. If I don’t, I take half damage. What balls you have to make combat this tedious, this early. I also like how I have so many combos to use, and none of them are safe because the enemies can now break your combos and then combo you into the air, do wretched harm to my health bar in every hit. I think it’s safe to say that Kamiya forgot how to make combat less frustrating and more “Ninja Gaiden 3” in that I have to use cheap shit just to fucking destroy my enemies.

Hope you got a shotgun, because that’s all you can use effectively against them!

After all that bullshit from 6 tries, I can now progress to more collapsing bridges. Now enemies have large trumpets or… whatever. Praise Amma that they’re easy to kill now.

After a while, we run into Luka again who goes on about how Bayonetta will pay for killing his father, and he proceeds to do nothing at this very moment except talk shit. Then, Bayonetta starts walking up to him and Luka starts pissing himself. Then he warns her that if she kills him, she’d be pissing off Luka’s girlfriends, of which he spouts off easter eggs.

Claire (RE2)

Trish (DMC1)

Sylvia (Erm… Viewtiful Joe?)

Cammy (Street Fighter). Yeah, you definitely don’t wanna piss her off!

Then, Bayonetta tackles Luka to the ground, not before he cops a feel on her delicately sculptured ass, and then Bayonetta…straddles him. Then we find out another pillar comes crashing down as a way of saying Bayonetta has some… suggestive ways of saving lives. Then she dissappears and we go on to fight another variation of “Fairness” called “Fearless. There’s… nothing different about it so we do the dance again, oh shit I survived this time!

As we continue one, we find a device that turns Bayonetta into some… Starfox character and we get a short interlude where she flies to another platform, firing at enemies along the way. I was thinking “Oh hell yeah!” But it’s so short and afterward, you have to fight the claw enemies again. After being raped to crumbs because now the shotgun strategy doesn’t work anymore, RAGEQUIT!

Really though, this game just did a 180 and became more trifling in it’s unforgiving difficulty spike. While there is the option to turn the difficulty down, I’d rather not as I’d have less control over my character (does everything automatically while pissing me off). I’d rather not have the same, automated experience I did with NG3. So far, I’m a lot less enthusiastic about this game. After spending a million hours in the city that’s now burned to the ground, this new area is barren and arbitrary. And just how did Luka follow me here anyway?

And these QTEs… goddammit. If it wasn’t the defeating the tough ass boss, it’s feeling relieved and then missing the damn prompt which makes you do the Hulk Hogan thing of ripping your shirt off in rage. The game is so frustrating now, it feels like a trial and error test. Capcom developers have had a bad habit of T&E making their games feel like bloated chores. Kamiya hasn’t been able to drop this habit since DMC3 and it shows. But it was usually just the bosses that were a pain in the ass. Now it turns out to be normal mooks as well. I’m starting to assume the rage over Bayonetta 2’s exclusivity has more to do with Bayonetta being some hardcore game and nothing more. This game has “hardcore” written all over it.

And what happened to funny ass Enzo?

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