HURRAY I HAVE DOA5U! And Momiji is….. FUCKING AWESOME!

I’m genuinely pleased she’s not shit in this game. Then again, being a ninja gives her priority over everyone else. I was actually surprised to see Virtua Fighter characters in the game. I had heard Akira was in, but then there’s Jacky, Sarah, and…. PAI CHAN!?

Erm… not sure how I feel about this…

Call this the Samus dilemma but it’s kinda off putting to see who I figured was a generally classy woman put into this kind of thing for drooling nerds.

Anywho, in-between this and MK9, I decided to look into just why people were raging about Bayonetta 2’s exclusivity as I feel that with Nintendo’s awful fucking console that no one will buy for one game, there’s got to be something very special about this game that drives people insane. And… I’m kinda on a DMC addiction despite Kamiya’s growing insanity. So, found Bayonetta for 7 bucks, pops this bitch in… lets go.

DAY 1

Oh wait, disc was dirty… had to clean it. Fuckers.

Ok, it works. What a nice intro showing Bayonetta being…. sacrificed? Wow, what a long install. I wonder if I’ll have enough space for Rayman Legends.

Wow, this introduction actually lets you play while the narrator monologs about warring clans. Armake21 was bullshittin when he said this game runs like ass on the PS3. I was under the impression that this apparent “patch” would fix the issues, all I see is 20FPS as I fall to my doom.

Now we’re in a cemetery with a Joe Pesci knockoff talking about having a birth day. He’s actually funny though.

Ok, so angels descend from “heaven” and this preacher chick ascends to the skies. I thought they were coming for the guy in the coffin not…

Wait, did this scene skip a frame? I heard lots of bloody murder, but I saw nothing. Oh it’s just Bayonetta.

Hey, they got niggas too! He would have all the guns. >_>. Am I supposed to get off to all the panning shots of Bayonetta’s concealed pussy? I’m beginning to see why everyone was so pissed off at the exclusivity. Actually reminds me of Gloria/Trish’s scene in DMC4. When do I get to play again? You give me a sneak peak and now I gotta wait again like a good 10 minutes later?

Thank  you! dammit, ok lets-OH MOTHER FUCK! Now I gotta do some tutorials with my finger up my ass. I mean really? Why don’t you just tell me the shit while I’m fighting the actual enemies? It’s not like I’m gonna be using most of these things for practical use in the future (I hope).

I had no idea there were so many Sonic references at the beginning of the game. They keep talking about waking up the “Eggman” who is in hell, and you collect rings thinly labeled as “Halos”.

Did they honestly pull the amnesia plot again? You’d think Platinum would be a little more…. variational with their content. I have at least 5 games on this system with plots centered around amnesia, most of which are fighters. So, Bayonetta was killed and now she can’t remember anything. Oh here’s an interesting plot. So Bayonetta has to keep killing angels so that she DOESN’T go back down into hell. Well, I guess that compensates for the tired ass amnesia trope.

You know, even though the CGI scenes flow like shit, I feel nostalgic. Its like I’m watching CGI from the PSX and the Saturn. Damn, those were the days. Ok, so we apparently have this chick in red who is obviously Bayonetta’s rival and resident bitch of the game. The 2 have some shit talking session and then red bitch leaves. Chapter complete.

So now I’m at a bar with said nigga. Apparently he’s a black smith (har har) of hell who can forge weapons for Bayonetta. First thing she gets are 4 red double barrel pistols. It’s kinda clever how her high heels act as holsters for more guns. That’s all cool, but the camel toe shots are starting to disturb me. No really, it’s like she’s a middle-aged woman desperate for attention.

“The tabs on you, dead beat mother fucker!”.

P* really loves their F-bombs. Probably hired writers from Manga Entertainment.

Train ride. Reminded of RE0. That game was awesome. What a nice train station. So I get to this area where after I break down this wall, now I get to some sort of puzzle. Fantastic. My enthusiasm is ever so decreasing. Yeah I know the DMC games had puzzles, but they were never completely intrusive nor did they slow you down as much (well… except DMC3, Amma I hate that game). Well, at least the puzzle was easy to solve, but I’m not exactly wow’ed by the result of running across water while the flow of time stops.

“How do the Americans put it? Oh yes. Bust a cap in yo ass!?”

“Right on Bayonetta, right on”.

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Well that’s a big mother fucking boss. Good thing he’s easy to… OH… oh… damn, this… “climax” attack makes her go nude! Wait.. so her hair is her suit? And she can turn her hair into a dragon and eat people. ………………………………..Dats tight! Dats tight!

Ok, that was cool. Well, it seems I can use their weapons against them. Did she just create a beheading device?

Fantastic, a flash back. How long is it gonna take before I can kill this 2 headed dragon…. thing? Oh it stops at the midpoint. You gotta love these amnesia plots. There so overdone these days, you can kinda guess what’s gonna happen next. Especially since that small intro before the title screen gives it away, sort of. Red bitch killed Bayonetta for some re-OMA BIG HAND!

The fuck man!? I’m just minding my business, and this big mother fucker just comes out of nowhere and now I have P*’s F-bomb disease! Stop throwing my footing into the wall you asshole! Hmm.. I seem to have some gravitational pull. Even though I jump off the moving platform, I zip right back to the platform and nothing hap-FUUUUUUUUUCK! QTE!!!

Well damn, just toss my ass away. Well, I can’t go backward because big ass golem destroyed the path. So I’ll just continue to the door down the ste-FUUUUUUCK! KILLER GOLEM IS BACK! Oh you son of a bitch! Oh damn! Oh dammit! The horror of Scripted Nonsense! It’s all over the damn place! Red bitch is back!

Ok, so they do more shit talking, then Bayonetta waxes nostalgic about Jeanne (red bitch) challenging her to a duel of death. Oh, this is a boss fight, ok. It plays just like Nero vs Dante from DMC4. Is this supposed to be like some sort of easter egg or is this Kamiya’s way of self-congratulatory conceit? Oh you can walk on walls and fight. I… guess that’s cool?

Oh… walk on walls on the way to the door. How2obvious. Fuck, I still gotta fight enemies while doing this? CHAPTER COMPLETE

Great… more temporal puzzles. Why do I need to dodge lightening just to start the damn thing? Why not just give me the slow down so I can do the puzzle already? As a matter a fact, why don’t you just shove your balls in my mouth?

So we meet a new character named… Juka? Can’t remember. At first I thought he was just some thief who likes giving roses to strangers just because they have 2 legs and a vagina, but then he comes off as a guy looking for revenge against Bayonetta because 20 years back, she accidentally killed his father. And he can’t seem to do anything because all he’s armed with is a camera and a nose. At the same taunt, Bayonetta taunts him like the bitch she is while killing more angels. So I’m running around, had to jump over a car because roller angels tried to kill me with it.

Killed 2 more bosses and went to Hell’s gate to have Rodin forge more weapons that I can’t afford because rings are hard to come by unless you like destroying the environment…. and I stopped there for the time being.

So far, I haven’t seen anything that justifies the rabid anger displayed by Bayonetta fans beyond scripted set pieces and a couple of puzzles. Maybe it’s the content which I will agree, is pretty interesting and puts a whole spin on the heaven and hell concept. You’re fighting against heaven for once. Though the over the top sexuality of the main character who is far from the word attractive beyond the delicately sculptured ass… is unnerving at best. I thought I would feel embarrassed from playing DOA5U, but Bayonetta easily puts Tecmo to shame. And it does run like ass on PS3. It’s like Sega and Playstation just doesn’t mix. I mean even Unleashed plays like ass, there’s so much slowdown I might as well be playing it on PC. That’s exactly the feeling I get. It’s like playing a PC game with the shittiest of specifications. I’m mean WHAT IS THAT MESS, it lags nonstop! It lags and it looks like shit!

Anywho, I’m mildly interested in the game as I’m… hoping there’s some super secret conspiracy from heaven to eliminate the world or something. Moral ambiguity is tits. More tits than DOA5. That new director has a stick up his ass about everything Itagaki did, eh?

…….I really should’ve done a vid instead… Oh well, lack of cheese and no recording software is a bitch to deal…

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