*By Double A. Bask in despair.

It’s weird looking at a series with so many characters in it’s arsenal of mother fuckers to use for a sequel and have them crammed into a box labeled “Pandora”. The Sonic Fandom, who I assume to be shills of Sega, have created an orthodox hivemind amongst themselves where they sing the praises of ditching the rest of the cast in favor “perfecting gameplay”. That statement alone makes me want to spit. Especially since the latest game’s gameplay is at best another experiment with derivative ideas moronically labeled as “new moves”.

I was talking to the guy who does the “Sonic Dissected” movies about how fans don’t have the capacity to fully itemize their complaints without going into the extremes. He’s right in that fans don’t word their responses clearly, or their cognitive functions when discussing Sonic the Hedgehog completely shuts down in favor of arguing via emotions and not rational. For instance, the gun shit on Shadow the Hedgehog. Amma knows how often we hear every explanation of why they “don’t work” because “its a cartoon, yo!” Regardless of the countless examples I could give of why that statement alone is bullshit, it’s just good enough to marvel at how little sense it makes in the long run because the real problem was the tone and atmosphere of the game, and not the presence of “realistic weapons”.

But this is Sonic Fandom 101. No one makes sense anymore with their complaints. And in regards to the lack of Sonic characters being a “good thing”, there are a multitude of reasons to explain their dissatisfaction with them rather than “the game being called Sonic and not Sonic and his friends” or w/e unfunny review memes they have. It’s no wonder why Sonic fans get stamped with the “retarded” label because they never make any goddamn sense with their complaints. It’s astounding to say that Sonic fans don’t understand their own frustrations with extra characters.

Looking at several different games, it turns out people actually don’t like having multiple characters in a lot of titles unless they’re specifically fighting games or racing games…. or just anything with multiplayer. Even the story mode of MK9 was bemoaned to some extent. Why so?

Well lets look into how the character thing was handled. In MK9’s story mode, you progress through each character’s individual arks, meaning you play that character for a few levels and then switch over to another one for an extra 5 or so. If you happen to get used to one character, you are no longer allowed to use that character again for the remainder of the mode, and this becomes irritating especially when you are joined up with a character you already played with in a previous ark. For example, when you are playing Jax, he is joined by Jonny Cage and Raiden. So when the 3 go to raid Shao Khan’s world, the other 2 are not selectable, you HAVE to play with Jax alone. Or better yeth, Nightwolf’s ark where everyone you played as up until now is present in trying to defend their home base from Lin Keui invaders. You have so many choices of characters, but you’re forced to use Nightwolf alone.

In Devil May Cry 4, everyone’s favorite character is of course, Dante. He’s the face of the franchise, but for the first half of 4, you have to use newcomer “Nero” who just so happens to be a cry baby bitch. Oh sure, he has the cool, “glowing arm of death”, but he’s just not cool. And you have no choice but to use him if you want to play a nerfed Dante in the same game.

A personal complaint of mine is in Ninja Gaiden 3 Razor’s Edge where, for some arbitrary and half-baked reasoning, you have 2 stages where by you play as weak ass Ayane. There’s no real story or content reasons you have to play her, she’s just thrown in there for the drooling fan twats who shift the right thumb up just to get a close up of her tits and shake the controller about 90 times making her look like 2 cats are fighting under her invisible bra. It wouldn’t be so bad if her only use to me wasn’t those long range shurikens that target enemies that are mere centimeters from groping your bum. Why don’t you give me a sword in a gun fight while you’re-oh wait, that’s already happening, you dicks from Tecmo.

This is what I call “scripted character wankery“. If you prefer to use another character at the time of playing the game, you are not given the option and instead, you must play through another character before getting that choice. It’s a design decision so baffling, you’d think the developers live in a different dimension where scripted design set pieces were the epitome of award winning gameplay. And unfortunately until publishers stop paying off the pisswads who run metacritic, this shit will never leave video games so long as it lives. There’s something to be said of a video game that deliberately makes the players use certain items or characters in order to progress, and we usually call them shit. We like having freedom in how we progress. Video games used to be a medium where the player determines his/her own fucking destiny. Do you want to conquer the cthulu with a traditional sword or smash it’s ugly as fuck face in with a guitar? What’s more awesome than fucking shit up with guitars? You could win an achievement for becoming guitar hero for Amma’s sake!

The Party’s gettin crazy, so lets rock goddamn it!

It isn’t rocket science of why people now up and hate Sonic characters when back then, they were cool fucks! Yes, I am gay for Knuckles, but I don’t want to feel as though I need to play him to finish the game. Gamers are like children, and as such, children are very adamant in not wanting to do shit they are forced to do. If you are made to do something, it translates to “This cannot be good for me”. Freedom is the natural human instinct, and when game developers go against nature, we get pissed! Is it any wonder why the Wii beat out the bloody PS3? So many damned firmware updates, online passes, and general ass wankery of needing specific accounts just to play a game using a save file. You cannot force people to do so many countless things just to have proper maintenance of your console. Just as you can’t force me to play as that bitch Amy Rose.

Sonic 06’s requisite of needing to play as 3 different characters “at fucking random” was the key to pissing off everyone that played the game, which wouldn’t be so bad if they all didn’t play like fat sweaty asses on a hot summer day wrapped in bacon fat. I don’t want to be forced to play as Knuckles, but that doesn’t mean I don’t want to play as Knuckles by my own choosing! That’s not a ridiculously complex concept to understand. Backbone Entertainment, with all their tacky design choices for their entire history of making shitty games and ports certainly got the point in their awful Sonic Rivals games even though in the second game, you’re attached to a secondary character for no apparent reason other than to justify having an “Act 1-2” progression system which worked just fine without the need to switch characters every now and then. But then again, they all play the same. Like taking bloody shits.

Player preference is the key to why no one was pissed off at any of the handheld Sonic games, unless you’re one of those damned nerds who think 100% completion and “true endings” have to be taken into account for fun factor of a video game. It’s not like you HAVE to finish Sonic Adventure by playing through all 6 character story modes just to get your ending, all you’re missing out on is the most anti-climatic fucking final boss fight in Sonic history second only to the faggoty Time Eater who’s only purpose is the personafication of every whiny dipshit sonic fan who thinks extra characters are a sin most punishable b death. There’s nothing wrong with having extra playable characters, my audience of 3. The problem is the delivery, if I am made to play a character that I’m not readily accustomed to before I boot the mother fucker up, ofcourse my wrath shall not be forestalled in Sega’s spam box. Player’s choice>>>>>>Player’s Destiny. If I want to play as fat ass Big the Cat, then I should be given the choice, not pushed onto the train tracks as his fat ass crushes my backside and turns me into a bloody pancake.

How this translates to “NEVER USE SONIC’S FRIENDS AGAIN” boggles my mind, but it must’ve stemmed from the fear that Sega just doesn’t “get it”. Well Iizuka’s recent actions removed all doubt that they just don’t give a fuck. Far as I’m concerned, he used the insidious complaints to justify his own brand of creativity as he pulls an Aonuma and completely rapes the Sonic franchise of any coolness it might’ve had left. And yet, in the pit of their own insanity, the shilly Sonic fans cannot even fathom an explanation as to how this improves the damned franchise. Focusing on one gameplay element would be a nice change of pace after the years of using the characters as an excuse to play genre roulette, but as Unleashed and Generations proved, they don’t really need them. It just makes their jobs easier of not having to have multiple character focus within their narratives, but they shove them in anyway in some half-assed attempt to please the fans, and they become more and more irrelevant as the years go by. If we listened to Ben Yahtzee Crosshaw, we’d all think that Sonic’s Friends should forever be ditched, but there’s no benefit to doing all that. After years of establishing Sonic’s friends as mildly important to the series, scrapping them all and throwing them on the bus to Auschwitz feels rather half-hearted and quite dickish in the long run. Sonic’s friends actually established Sonic as being less of a Marty Stu and gives him some sort of weakness. Tails could fly him over cliffs, Knuckles could break through walls and dig (yes, Sonic can break boulders, but only with considerably more effort), Shadow can travel through time which helps if Sonic wants to change the past for some reason, Amy can help him improve his escape tactics, Rouge helps him keep up his boner, and the Chaotix can provide him intel.

We all like to talk about what Sonic is and isn’t supposed to be, and one thing is that he shouldn’t be “perfect”. Not in the sense of making dumb mistakes imperfact, but in the sense of being over-fucking-powered. Sonic is the “can do anything” guy to the point that now he’s learned to swim. I’m sensing this desire to turn Sonic into Ryu Hayabusa where the fans can all talk about Sonic having all the spotlight while being completely god-like in every way, though I find it strange that he still needs external powers via Wisps in order to do anything other than run really fast and somehow we’re ok with that. It’s not like Shadow had any long range attacks he had complete access to at anytime which would justify the use of a fire arm. And I’m not talking about that Chaos Spear either, in all games where you could use this, it required lots of energy to use, so what cheaper way to kick ass than using a tool that was designed to make murder easier and quite fun at the same time?

Infact, I find it odd that Sega isn’t exploiting their 2nd most popular Sonic character. I mean, he only did bring in more fans. Stupid, borderline fucking retarded animu shit stain fans, granted. But you have to admit his impact was bigger than…. even Knuckles.

Blacker the berry…

I cut myself for that statement.

All the while, I take delight in that the Babylon Rogues are kinda under the radar when it comes to the wrath of the clinically insane Sonic fanbase.

And just look at those pimp ass kicks!

Hell, even Sonic Riders has this problem with making you play as certain characters in the story and even the mission modes.

See, all this stems from how formulaic the Japanese are, they have a format they’re comfortable with, they will be DAMNED if they break out of it. So the requirement to play all characters to finish the game got old fast and then we just up and got sick of it. Even when there’s just one character, they managed to cram that fucking format into the games, still pissing off the fans. When they drop this formula, the fans are pleased.

Oh, mystery solved. The format was the real problem of Sonic characters from the 6th Console Generation. Not their mere presence. Now if they had a system where you can switch between the characters at any ti-

Oh yeah, they fucked that up too!