Don’t let them sexy eyes fool you, this crazy ass bitch is the child of Yurugu, the Pale Fox himself!

You know, Namco… I have to be one to admit. You’ve got some pretty interesting fighting games. Only 2 but I digress. I was hooked on SC2 and thought Soul Calibur was the shit until you destroyed it with 5 with your bullshit animu gameplay that rips off Street Fighter and an AI that knows nothing but blood.

For Amma knows what reason, I decided to buy TTT2. Idk what drugs I was smoking, but something about this game drew me in.  It was like an alluring venus fly trap. It was something….






Sue me. I was a kid back when Tekken 2 was out. Everyone wanted to play it while I wanted to play SF2. I asked my cousin “why do you keep playing that game? It’s so boring!”

Then he showed me Alex the Raptor with boxing gloves and I thought “……COOL!

So imagine me finding out that they brought back the raptor for this game. I said “eh, it’s only $20 bucks, what’s the worst that could happen?”

Well, there goes my enthusiasm for DOA5U. Buying fighters for one character hasn’t really been a boon for me (except with MK9 with Rastafarian Cyrax) and this is pure proof of it. I was willing to look past the bad gameplay just for some childhood memories of beating up people with my preferred boxing dinosaur. Tekken has a history of making retarded characters, but I fucking LOVED Alex! He’s awesome.

So imagine my dismay when, in a feeble attempt to warm up to this character by putting it on easy, only to have my ass handed to me on a silver platter by some infinity combo spamming bitch called “unknown”. Bitch is relentless. Of course, her extreme tendency to juggle mother fuckers into the air and NEVER LET THEM ESCAPE is something I chalk up to Harada’s extreme incompetence in turning the series into a circus show.

See, starting with 4 or 5, the series turned from mildly boring to incredibly fucked up shit. Why should the players become members of the Ringling Brothers just to be pro beast god mode at this bitch? And the extreme tendency in trapping players into long death combos that they have no way of breaking out of is terrible game design, and I hated it when they put that bullshit into Soul Calibur. I figure since it’s the AI, they would do stupid shit all the time, but low and behold, they will juggle your ass so much.

The AI in fighting games should never bullshit you. The AI should be the punching bag for you to get warmed up on. But see, the problem is Namco and it’s pro ass eventhub nerds are so obsessed with high-level play, they literally programmed the AI to be just like fighting a human opponent that is set permanently to Daigo Umehara mode.


Hate hate hate

Definitely hate


This, in theory, would be kinda cool because if you don’t have anyone else to play with, you have AI to make believe you are. The problem is in practice, it’s still the goddamn AI. You’re losing to something that is artificial. With no material presence of another human being in possession of a controller, it’s just not the same goddamn thing. This plan doesn’t work, especially since the always overrated online features should alleviate the problem (then again, everyone will bitch about “netcode”).

Actually, that’s a good thing. Anyone who thinks the internet is a replacement for the good ol’ arcade room is a moron who deserves the bad net code to fuck him in the ass. Silly eventhub nerds.

Unfortunately, Namco seems to be gearing all of their fighters toward the eventhubs crowd. The game cannot be played on a regular or so-called “casual” level on the AI for shit.

See, stupidly enough, Namco thought it was a grand idea to apply rankings to every character offline. Everytime you win a match in arcade mode, you get promoted to the next rank. This makes no sense because all you’re really doing is beating up the CPU. Every match, however, is a ranking match which bumps up your rank without much effort or any indication that your skill has improved. This wouldn’t be so bad if the AI didn’t bypass the difficulty settings and scaled themselves up according to your ranking. So if you’re playing TTT2 just to unlock character endings, you better make sure your characters are all in beginner rank before you get started in arcade mode. That also means you have to choose Solo so that you don’t have 2 characters leveling up before you decide you want to see that person’s ending. For example, I chose Jin first and Bruce 2nd got Jin’s ending. Now I wanna use Bruce Solo, I can barely get passed Jinpachi because Bruce’s ranking is 1st Dan. I haven’t even had that much practice with this game and already, because it’s poorly designed, it demanding that I get better in as little as a good 20 minutes!? Everyone suggests now that going into Ghost battle is an easier way to get character endings. I call bullshit because the chances of getting the endings you want are completely random. Sure, the AI lets up, but it takes even longer to get what you want out of the deal. I have to put up with this bullshit because my ranking is higher than my skill?
It’s only been a day that I had this game and it’s already pissing me off. It’s bloated with so many pointless features like a fightlab (You just keep playing until you get better. Don’t need no retarded tutorial mode), an install size of 7 fucking gigs, and still having bad load times, and the farce of needing a patch to fix the broken ass AI. How? If the AI is dependent on character rankings, what is the point of a very easy mode?

This is terrible game design. It’s only suited for nerds, the dregs of the gaming communities. Namco seems to have gotten the wrong message that the nerds are the ones that made the franchise popular, the same hopeless idiots that needed this game to encourage them to take up martial arts because it “looked cool” in a digital form. If a video game is enough motivation to hand your paper over to some McDojo, then you deserve to be taken advantage of. Namco’s desire to appeal to eventhubs, SRK, etc. is costing them some sales. It’s been several months since release and it STILL hasn’t gone passed 1 million total. Sure, everyone claims TTT2 is the shit. But what Tekken game isn’t considered the shit? It’s ironic that Tekken’s most advertised aspect is that it is one of the best selling franchises of all time, and then this game comes out with piss poor sales. Even RE6 did better, and Resident Evil has been raped to death.

With TTT2 and SC5, Namco has shown that the only audience that matters is the EVO crowd. The same introverted freaks who can do 99hit ultra combos in Killer Instinct (soon to be a baby!). Playing Tekken 6 on PSP and having to deal with Azazel, I told myself that I need not worry about Soul Calibur having this bullshit. Upon playing through arcade mode from SC4, I was treated to a shockwave spamming Apprentice, Nightmare has some orbital shockwave move, and Algol can spam fireballs that are actually effective in 3D! SC5? Bland ass super moves and an even lower chance of escaping an ass raping combo. And JUGGLING! The AI can juggle your ass like crazy in SC5! One of the things that REALLY pisses me off is when the AI knocks you on the ground, sits there, and when your character decides it’s in his best interest to get off the ground, the AI quickly finds an opening and knocks into the air and juggles you. They can also easily push you off into constant ring outs. Namco, goddamn, I think SNK does a better job of AI programming. See, treating it like a VIDEO GAME instead of an EVO MATCH, you can actually learn the boss patterns and come out victorious. You don’t have a margin for error in Namco fighters and the AI will never let up. The AI is the single WORST element of Namco fighters this day in age. They are sporadic and completely out of control. I’d chalk this up to the general game design principles Namco fighters follow, but it seems to be much worse in this regard because the games don’t give you any options to escape juggle combos that clip your health 50%. And the weird part is even the impervious and stubborn Tekken fanboys are getting sick of this shit. Certainly shows with the low sales margins for both of these games.

And All I wanted to do was play the raptor and beat people up with it.