I loves me some Soul Calibur. Really, I do. Unless you count that piece of shit Wii offering.

Fuck you Namco. Could’ve just ported SC3 for all we cared.

I bought SC4 recently, and despite it’s flashy loveliness and Sophitia totally asking for it, I should’ve taken notice of all the complaints surrounding the game. But alas, I wanted a new Soul Calibur game, dammit! So imagine my dismay when I popped this bitch in, pick up Raphael despite all irony of choices, and discovered that Project Soul completely fucked him up. And I’m not just saying that. They fucked him up so badly, you would mistake him for a joke character.

The…. chronic!

I mean he’s so damn slow in comparison to what I used back in SC2! Not to mention his best moves are now more awkward to use than before. You have to go into preparation mode just to use his 3 quick slashes (which used to be Forward+B,B,B). What balls PS has in destroying this character just to “balance the game”. But the even BIGGER crime!? They fucked up Talim too! They even removed moves that were pointless or flashy and replaced them with pure shit. Not to mention her stupid cat outfit is a fucking disgrace. And is it just me or did they make her into a total wuss? Her dialogue is softer and wimpier than in SC2. Yes, even in that game, she sounded hardcore compared to whatever the hell kind of rag she’s on in this game. She even taunts the opponent. “Payback!” “You want more!?”.


In this game, she’s the equivalent to that bitch Cream the Rabbit from Sonic Advance 2!

And to top it all off, the game just felt empty and barren. The amount of stages in the game seems tiny, there’s no weapon master mode and is instead replaced with a blood boiling Tower of Lost Souls, you can’t even customize the main characters beyond their outfits and weapons (I don’t recall Raphael being a steroid freak like the rest of the cast. Would want to change that for consistency but naw). And then you have these weird ass animu shit stain characters like Angol Fear who makes me fear for the baby she breast feeds. Star Wars is out of place, Algol is a chump compared to even Inferno, DLC music is a retarded idea, and who the fuck is Tira and why does she remind me of Harely Quinn from Batman?

Overall, it feels like a very disappointing game. Especially with Talim being ass deep in nerfage. But to pour salt on an open wound, the bitch ain’t even in SC5!!! Infact, most of my characters aren’t even in the game! Kilik, Taki, Talim, Sophitia, Zasalamel, and hearing Raph got nerfed up the arse again, you might as well count him too! I don’t care how fabulous he looks with his Gun Grave cosplay. And just how the hell is Cervantes human again? Maybe that will be explained in the story.

Oh wait. From what I hear, there is none for anyone except Sophitia and Cassandra’s expies, Patrick (can’t spell his real name for the life of me) and Pyrra. Apparently, the excuse being used by fans (and maybe the devs) is that the game takes place 17 years after 4, so the characters would be too old to fit into the future. Plus, Japan has some stupid law that forbids developers from putting females in fighters if they are above the age of 27 (Power Instinct being the exception, I guess). But, they could’ve just put the characters in with no aging and have them as bonus characters with no story. Hell, NO ONE has a story in this game so there should be no excuse.

That’s one of the main reasons I feel repulsed by SC5. Yes it looks gorgous, but because I’ve been FUCKED out of my own character choices, all I got is Mitsurugi and expies.I have no incentive to buy it beyond another character creator. But most of all, everyone is simply saying the game is great due to gameplay reasons alone. And better online support. There goes my enthusiasm!

I’m sorry, did anyone buy Soul Calibur for it’s busted ass fighting system that justifies all complaints about “button mashing” (LOL GUARD IMPACT YOU SCRUB!)!? Oh wait, that’s not a choice either because you need a fucking METER to do it!? It’s the worthless Alpha Counters from SFA3 all over again! Sorry, people bought Soul Calibur because a blond elf with the greatest set of lungs since Liu Kang was featured as a guest character. Assasins Creed is overrated. But guest characters sold Soul Calibur. It was obscure and completely irrelevant to everyone’s lives. Almost everyone’s first memory of the series started at 2. That was the kind of content that drew people into Soul Calibur. As a fighting game series, despite how good it’s content is, it’s not a popular draw for any enthusiast of fighting games. Fighting games set in ancient times have never been popular until now.

The majority of popular fighters exist in the modern times, drawing inspiration from modern/80s/90s martial arts flicks, along with having modern music with the likes of techno, rock, and even rap music. Weapon based fighters were never a big hit until a Zelda character was featured as a guest. Weapon based fighters just have no flow. They don’t feel natural, and neither does Soul Calibur. Sure, it has weapon demonstrations, and robust story about several historical piece fighters looking for a weapon to fix their situations until realizing the sword is evil and will do more harm than good, and the quest modes are always filled with more enticing side stories than any other quest mode in a fighter. It’s like what an RPG would be like if they were any good. But as a fighting game itself, the fights always look silly and contrived. Just like Tekken, it looks stupid from afar, just some random people swing around sometimes oversized weapons and knocking the characters around the stage like something out of a cartoon. But hey, it’s stupid fun. Can be frustrating, but stupid fun none the less. I could give no fucks about how improved the fighting system is because that is honestly not the reason I play these games. It’s that sense of being in a universe filled with interesting characters and that feeling of being on some grand adventure, fighting and defeating wicked warriors and demonic entities. Soul Calibur is just different from other fighting games. Hearing about what others deemed the “capcoming” of this game completely ruins whatever enthusiasm I might’ve had with SC5. I despise capcom fighters because of that micro-management bullshit and lack of interesting characters outside of Dark Stalkers. That and most of my peeps are removed or nerfed for the worst! Oh sure, lets take out an interesting character like Zasalamel or even Necrid, and Amy even, but we keep that crazy bitch Tira and miss boring honor bound Hilde. For what!? I have no idea. The little story that is present in SC5 is all about Sophitia’s stupid offspring fighting some random war against possessed people. There’s no sense of adventure or a quest, it’s just some “fight the battle within” or “are you willing to kill for justice” morality bullshit that I can find in Metal Gear Rising. (and don’t get me wrong, this game is the bomb!)

Then again, SC5 doesn’t seem to be for any fan of Soul Calibur. It feels more like some anime cock-fight than Soul Calibur. I usually play this series to get away from the anime-cock fighting. Well, this and currently MK9 which, despite my incredible skepticism, rips all kinds of ass. But look at SC5’s newest additions and you’ll find more manga influences than anything else. Most of all ZWEI who essentially has a stand from Jojo’s Bizarre Adventure where he calls upon some spirit wolf for certain attacks. And.. just look at his design!

This is a damn anime character!

Must be a fan of SNK’s “loner asshole” series of characters ranging from Iori Yagami to Genjuro from Samurai Shodown, Gato from Garou, K-Dash, etc.

The series is getting too anime for my own good! Look at some of the critical finishes these characters have. It’s the most Japanese shit you could see.

Poor Maxi is so completely animu now.

Rising Dragon of the Zodiac!? What the fu… this is NOT Maxi! Listen to his fucking voice! But that’s nothing compared to this bullshit.

Too…. much…. anime… influence…

I mean, honestly, after going through the emptiness of 4, and hearing 5 is a rushed product that’s even MORE empty than 4, who’s only redeeming factor is “improved gameplay” that rewards button mashers more than ever before (what improvement is that!?), I feel completely discouraged from wanting the game. The most i’d want are those awesome looking levels, but who plays fighting games for a bunch of levels you have no real interaction with!?

Oh well. I guess like with 3, this will be one I skip. This time, however, it will be purposeful.

RIP, real Talim.