You know, despite my first post where I describe everything I despise about this franchise, I’m actually quite surprised by how much fun Mortal Kombat 9 is. It’s as though someone went up to Ed Boon and said “You know what? It’s never too late to stop being shit!”

I mean…. damn. It doesn’t even feel like a Mortal Kombat game. The controls aren’t… too stiff, special moves feel like special moves instead of cheat codes, and even the Tekken button format feels more like KOF than Tekken. Cyrax is officially awesome, as is Reptile. But the main thing is that the game feels like a natural fighter instead of some game where you whiff shit all day hoping you score a hit (DA,D, and A respectively). And of course, they decided to compete with DOA because the silicone epidemic has spread to the western shores. I mean dayuuuuuum.

Even the zombies have faker tits than most American women…

It almost feels… wrong beating the hell out of demented belly dancers with evil fan blades and bad dental plans, but hey, this series was always king when it came to random wacky shit. One of Rain’s kicks sends the opponent flying across the world, even.

Another thing I enjoyed was the training mode makes an attempt to teach new comers how to play the game. It does a poor job, but at least they tried.

It’s not without it’s flaws mind you. Sonya’s man-face is difficult to ignore, special moves are still limited to specific buttons instead of universal amongst it’s punches and kicks, and they still have mostly difficult to remember motions, and the game is still about teleporting cheap shots. The characters honestly don’t have distinguishable fighting styles aside from Jax and Liu-Kang. For the most part, they’re all just avatars with varying specials as always.

Another thing is Shang Tsung. Fuck him. He’s a sub boss to Shao Khan, but Shang would make him his bitch in 2 days tops. This guy is cheapness personified. He was just some floaty sprite back in the first game, now he wants to be mother fucking Pai Mei. He is the ultimate bitch-maker in this game. Can drop your ass if you don’t like blocking for some reason.

But… the one thing I really.. REALLY can’t stand is this.

Sex on legs.

This is the only good MK game… and Jade’s greatest costume is not available. Well… I suppose it was inevitable, even though they did have concept art to replicate it, it’s just not there.

…..Mother fucker, she was rockin them twin braids! And that delicately sculptured black women’s ASS! Dammit, I knew something else was amiss aside from the apparent bleach job Netherrealm attempted.

Anyway, soon as I figure out how this internet shit works, I might go online with this thing, get raped, rage quit, and go back to Smash Bros in a whiny tantrum. Honestly, this game is just fun.

Now hurry up and revive MOTHER FUCKING BLOODY ROAR!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


Seriously, that face is HIDEOUS! Butterface is not an accurate description for the hack job the artists did.

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