You know, growing up, Nintendo was never put on a pedestal so high that people wouldn’t dare let anyone criticize them. It seemed like people in the 90s just had better sense than to treat a corporation as some god-like entity (unlike nowadays where corporations have free reign to butt-fuck you any chance they get).

At the same time, the only thing people knew about Nintendo was Super Mario Bros., Zelda, Rareware, and Pokemon. Half the time, people didn’t even think Starfox or F-Zero X were made by Nintendo. Metroid didn’t exist to people until Super Smash Bros. came out. “What the fuck was Earthbound”, everyone would ask.

It’s like thanks to Super Smash Bros., everyone is a bonified expert on everything Nintendo. It doesn’t help that Nintendo has been slowly turning Smash bros from a fighting game standard series to that of a history class even though people really don’t care about Nintendo’s “history”. It seems like more and more, Nintendo is obsessed with the idea of “teaching” their fans what games these characters all came from. But looking at the sales of Fire Emblem and F-Zero, no one gives a fuck where they came from. To fans of Smash Bros., the game itself is just fun. Learning or knowing the origins of where these references come from are not at all a priority to these people.

Yet, every game Nintendo has made… was some sort of greatness? I feel as though I’m trapped in some bizarro universe where Nintendo fans have foregone their capacity of “good taste” in favor of supporting a company out of spite for Sony’s Playstation brand kicking Nintendo’s asses for 2 generations straight. And it doesn’t help that Metacritic is enabling the brattier Nintard side to go on some killing spree over the internet trying to disprove a person’s “criticisms”. The amount of times I’ve been told that I was wrong about Epic Yarn or Skyward Sword due to the praise of these games on Metacritic is astronomical. As if the quality of these games are determined by the scores they received over the internet. Quality is defined by how much of an impact it has on a market. And believe me when I say Nintendo often leaves without so much as a spark.

If Super Mario 64 was so revolutionary, why do people demand more 2D Mario? If Ocarina of Time is so revolutionary, why is the lock on mechanic not used so much for hack n slash games? Why don’t more games try to emulate Modern Zelda’s style? IF Epic Yarn was so fantastic because of a friggin art style, why aren’t more people emulating that art style? If Super Smash Bros. is the best fighting game series, why do people still run to Street Fighter and Mortal Kombat? After all they should be obsolete by now.

Overrated doesn’t even describe Nintendo’s catalog of games. Or even the quality of their games.

I mean, no one gave a fuck about Fire Emblem before Melee (and we still don’t), and I know for sure Metroid wasn’t popular until the N64 (without a game, even). And people rush to Metacritic to prove how great Skyward Sword is?

I’m starting to think Super Smash Bros. and Metacritic are doing a disservice to the cognitive processes of Nintendo fans everywhere. The Nintards are already a lost cause, but the sane fans are in danger of being stupified by the growing desire of Nintendo to turn Smash Bros. into one glorified promotion game. Nintendo fans have this strong misconception that every Nintendo game made and known to mankind has been some kind of hit. And that couldn’t be further from the truth.

I’m probably preaching to the choir, but had it not been for Smash Bros., the majority of Nintendo fans wouldn’t know anything beyond Super Mario, Legend of Zelda, Star Fox 64, Donkey Kong Country, and Pokemon. Kirby, Metroid, Kid Icarus, Fire Emblem, F-Zero, Earthbound, Ice Climber, all that shit would’ve been irrelevant had it not been for this series. I think with the inclusion of Olimar and Toon Link in Brawl, it’s clear that Nintendo doesn’t include characters from franchises that are “successful” or significant. Otherwise, Star Fox characters wouldn’t be included for SSB4. Kirby is obviously in due to being Sakurai’s baby, so to speak.

Video game crossovers have never been about “the most successful franchises take on each other”. Capcom vs Snk should be indicative of that. Of course, that’s what they SHOULD be about. Your favorite characters going against each other. But nowadays, it’s about the most popular going up against the most obscure characters they can find. Who the fuck is Lucas? Seriously? And great work giving us a peripheral device as a character no one cares about.

Nintendo’s desire to turn Smash Bros. into a giant promotion game has been evident since Melee via Roy being used to advertise Fire Emblem for Japanese markets. But with Brawl, Nintendo seemed to want to take advantage of Smash’s popularity and promote characters no one likes such as Captain Olimar or Toon Link. Pikmin is shit and always will be. And no one of importance likes the Toon Zelda games. With SSB4, we have an animal crossing character. No real significance, no real name, just a village idiot. Oh he’ll be popular with the MLP crowd, of course. Nintendo has been VERY obsessed with  Animal Crossing lately. I can’t seem to roam anywhere without some Animal Crossing fangirls running around, Animal Crossing billboards, or any of that sort. Must be successful in Japan which is probably why they’re shoving that BS into Smash.

Kid Icarus has never been popular or even known to exist without Melee’s trophies. Brawl seemed to be “The creators get to put THEIR favorites into the game” while the fans only got one choice (Sonic). Fan input, for the most part, seemed more like an after thought.

Super Smash Bros. was never successful because it was a celebration of Nintendo’s history, but because they were fun games. The idea of taking DK and beating the shit out of Pikachu was a fun idea. You could tell by the simplicity of 64 that the games was never meant to be taken seriously, but was incredibly slapstick. But starting with Brawl, you could just sense with the orchestrated music that the game was going for the pretentious, self-important streak with Pit being used as some sort of “Jesus symbol” mascot for the game. Nintendo wasn’t focused on making a fun and entertaining game, they were focused on promotion above all else. The DS chat stage reeks with pretentious self-promotion. And the tactic seems to be working with everyone believing everyone of these franchise showcases were all games of successful origin. What the hell is Hanenbow!? Does anyone even care?

Metacritic has been cited as a “credible” source on the “quality” of video games. So much so that they’re now used as the appeal to authority in order to defend or debash video games and entertainment. You cannot shit talk Skyward Sword because it has an MC score of 9000. Metacritic has been very lenient when it comes to Nintendo’s worst, and the Nintards desperately use that to justify their insane love for Nintendo games, but show them NSMB, they go “AHHHHHHHH!”! Like giving garlic to a vampire or something. Metacritic and Smash Bros. fit nicely into a vacuum of unwarranted self-importance.

When people think of Smash Bros., people talk more about what characters they want in the next games. But when the new rosters are revealed, instead of raising hell, people go into justificognition mode and try to prove why all these characters “deserve” to get in.

ROB “deserves” to get in because of boosted sales to the NES.

Olimar “deserves” to get in because Pikmin is “such a great brand” and a so-called popular IP from the gamecube era.

Toon Link “deserves” to get in because Wind Waker proved you can have a shitty art style and still be successful (a blatant lie considering the inverse happened).

Game & Watch “deserves” to be in because of reference to Gunpei Yokoi who created the gameboy brand (We have Samus, that’s enough for us).

Ice Climbers “deserve” to be in because the creators like that game (I don’t give a fuck what they like! What about what I like!?).

Diddy Kong “deserves” to be in because DKC is overrated.

Lucario “deserved” to replace Mewtwo because of a movie making him overrated.

Jigglypuff “deserved” to stay in because we’re supposed to care about what Japan likes.

Ashley doesn’t deserve to get in just because. (Who the fuck is Ashley anyway?)

So what happens is that because of these baseless justifications of why these characters were included, people start thinking that these characters and references are of much higher quality than originally thought. Lucario is a weak pokemon who’s only merit is resistance against psychic types. But because ground types are very popular, he’s fucked. Pikmin is a weak franchise that no one wants. Toon shading is a repulsive style (proven 5 times). No one remembers Nintendo for their wacky peripheral devices, and no one wants them as fucking characters (self-promotion).

I have played a significant number of Nintendo games to know the majority of them aren’t worth the ass-kissing they receive. Rareware especially isn’t perfect. Their games were only good for story and humor. Gameplay was a huge afterthought. And don’t start with me on Golden-Eye. It’s overrated, slow, and easily forgotten in the wake of Halo and Call of Duty. To suggest that every thing (or even a large majority) Nintendo makes are of “high quality” is but a farce greater than the PR for the Xbone. You have to be taken literally… out of your mind. You have to crazy, maladjusted, or obsessed with winning arguments over the internet out of insecurity for the Playstation brand. Metacritic does not mean Skyward Sword is better than God of War.

Why is it that in an age where gamers are starting to distrust reviewers that Nintendo fans are now more than ever dependent on them? Where’s the integrity? Where’s the conviction to standards? I thought going to Nintendo meant having an open-mind, devoid of being led by the masses of critics. And yet, all I see are acts of cowardice.

Success of your home team brand leads to corruption, I suppose.

 

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