So, apparently that genius Takashi Iizuka has revealed some info about the gameplay surrounding Sonic Lost World. And it solidifies everything I feared about this “partnership”. But the one thing that pisses me off is the fact that the game has a run button.

I’ll get to why that is a horrible idea in itself, but lets shit ourselves with laughter from those wacky aliens from IGN and see what they didn’t have to say.

“Sonic: Lost World – Taking a Page From Mario Galaxy”

Thanks Sonic Retro for ruining it before IGN could.

“We’ve seen Sonic’s new game in action, and SEGA is definitely inspired by the right games.”

Last I checked, Galaxy was shit. Last I checked, the right games were New Super Mario Bros. but I don’t expect fuck heads like you to acknowledge them because “accessibility is evil, oooooh”.

“Derivative gameplay is sometimes frowned upon in this industry, but in the case of Lost World, this is more than welcome, and more than necessary.

Oh I’m sure. It’s ok to ahem “steal ideas from Nintendo’s worst offenders, but a gameplay construct that seems similar to a more popular game like God of War is the WORST FUCKING THING IN THE UNIVERSE!

“I recently had time to watch three levels of Sonic: Lost World, and the changes being made to the franchise range from entirely obvious to remarkably subtle. First and foremost – the game’s aforementioned larger design approach, and the necessary control alterations that followed.”

Pay attention, my audience of 3. IGN’s meme name will truly shine after this bit.

“”“We wanted to create an all-new design for 3D Sonic games with Sonic: Lost World,” producer Takashi Iizuka told me via e-mail. “Ever since the first day of development, we were focused on creating new and unique levels to best fit this new style.”””

Green Hill is not new or unique. We’ve seen millions of variations of the same level for years.

“That ‘style’ basically removes Sonic from the constraints of a cohesive, grounded world design. Instead, players will find themselves twisting, turning and jumping along floating constructs suspended in mid-air.”

Uh, don’t video games need some grounding to make goddamn sense of your surroundings? It just sounds like the game is going to be more disorientating than ever before.

“Levels are now informed by gameplay needs, with some stages focusing on slower speeds with more platforming, and others pushing players to run as fast as possible.”

This is not an “all-new” design, IGN. Again, we’ve seen this “style” in previous Sonic games. Fuck, Unleashed WAS this core concept. You had the day stages pushing you to be as fast as possible while the Werehog took it slowly. But this was a “bad thing” back then. How is it suddenly a good thing now? Especially since the level design is going to be more disorientating than before? I sense more frustration is going to occur than fun factor, which is what IGN is ignoring (it’s in their name, afterall).

“Aesthetic ideas are now more free, ranging from the more idyllic, grassy settings of Wind Hill to something like Desert Ruins 1, which consists of cakes, cookies, donuts and all manners of candy. And just to throw a curveball, Desert Ruins 2 drops the sweets theme entirely, and features an entirely different gameplay style, opting for the ‘tunnel racing’ concept that Sonic games have used for decades.”

Ok, I’m a shitty writer, but you have to admit, I’m much more cohesive than whatever the fuck this guy is talking about. He transitions from the whole “aesthetics features” of the level design, and then says the “sweets theme” is dropped for a “gameplay style”. There’s a difference between the look of a level and how something plays. Does this “tunnel” keep the sweets themes, or is it gone entirely? You’ve said NOTHING about how “sweets” factor into gameplay which leaves nothing for us to think about. Cohesion bitch!

“More critically, it appears as though Sonic Team has realized that many of the core ideas from games like Sonic Generations and Sonic Colors can co-exist. 2D and 3D don’t have to be isolated so long as they’re incorporated in the proper manner.”

Because Sonic Unleashed didn’t happen. Stop ignoring the game because 50% of it had a beat em up mode. Sega realized this waaaay back in 08.

But if I may play devil’s advocate, not a lot of Sonic fans like simply “switching” between both 2D and 3D perspectives. Most would prefer to keep it one way or another (almost entirely to the 2D plane).

“Speed can also not only be about tunnel-based obstacle avoidance, but the crazier, twistier constructs that first appeared in the Sonic Adventure series. All of this can work together.”

Actually, it can’t unless the entire thing is scripted. If you are going to make a Sonic game centered around super speed, using the “twisty” concepts from Sonic Adventure will not fucking work without being redesigned entirely to accomodate the “BOOST SPAM” gameplay. And since Lost World will not have Boost Spamming and will be “slower paced”, it ALL won’t work together at all.

“Exhilarating and dynamic speed can sometimes conflict with [intuitive] controls, so we’re constantly trying to improve the balance between the two,” Iizuka said, noting that improving control in this game was “of the utmost importance” to the team.”

Iizuka apparently never worked on Unleashed, Colors, or Generations. They all worked fine to EVERYONE that’s played the shit! It’s like they have no idea what their development time was being implemented into.

As mentioned, Sonic Team’s greatest challenge was maintaining a sense of speed for the series while finding controls that made sense.

They worked fine with just a D-Pad and a Jump button! Fuck, Dimps did that just fine for you with the Rush games (mileage may vary on quality)! These people honestly have no idea what the fuck they’ve been doing for the last 5 years!

“He walks – until you use one of the GamePad’s triggers to engage his running speed. This too is actually not full speed.”

Then what the hell is the point!? The mere fact that there is a GODDAMN RUN BUTTON is bad enough, but it’s not even Sonic’s full speed!? I can already see people demanding Dimps to come back and work on the series again after this shit.

“Holding down the second trigger will pull Sonic into a ball, giving him access to his full momentum, which Iizuka likened to the ‘Boost speed’ from previous titles. By creating a tiered structure to movement, Sonic Team is hoping players will be able to navigate the wide range of level designs, exploring and running as necessary.”

What the fuck!?

Ok, Iizuka, maybe you and your fans have different ideas about how they want to play games, but I was always under the impression that Sonic games should always have accessible fucking controls. Sonic is supposed to be a mass market franchise. Mass Market = accessible. What the fuck are you smoking making a control scheme like this!? This is Skyward Sword all over again! Over complicating the controls for “better level navigation” is bullshit, and you know it!

“In previous 3D Sonic games, even if you’re running through a level at top speed, if you hit an obstacle you stop instantly,” Iizuka explained.”

Which was never a problem and was already “fixed” by Dimps Boost spam. Don’t fix what’s not broken, you stupid ass!

“To avoid this, we added a new action to keep Sonic running, even when you hit an obstacle. To make sure it only happens when you want it to, it’s triggered by the player holding the run button.””

This was so you could always run at top speed regardless of hitting a wall. But the run button doesn’t allow you to go at top speed. You have to press both shoulders (for no good reason) just to do all that. Why not just give me a speeder and call it a day?

“Of course, there’s also the small matter of Lost World being a Wii U (and 3DS) exclusive. On Wii U, the GamePad is specifically used to activate various Whisp-based “Color Powers,” which feature touch-based controls and are mostly used to gain access to side paths and areas. The GamePad will also play a role in ‘Support Mode,’ which allows one player to use Wii Remote and Nunchuk to assist a second player who is already controlling Sonic with the Wii U GamePad.”

All of this and there are still a wide range of smaller details that will certainly please long-time Sonic fans. Some factor directly into game mechanics, such as the fact that Sonic will once again save animals throughout levels. Rescuing these critters will not only be tracked level by level, but cumulatively, and will factor into unlockable content.

No one liked Sonic 3D Blast, nor does anyone like having to find shit just to unlock (what I assume will be) shitty unlockables. No one enjoyed that in NSMBW, Return to Dreamland, DKCR, or Rayman Origins. These little fetch quests are arbitrary and contribute nothing to the overall enjoyment of the game. That is “work“. By the time you finish the fetch quest work, you’re too tired to give a damn about what you unlocked. Only those shut in hardcore cunts would enjoy bashing themselves over the head to find little things to unlock crap. Oh wait, no one liked this in Sonic Unleashed either! Or Colors, or Generations with the Red Rings! Or finding the Chao in Advance 3! OR THE TREASURE HUNTING LEVELS!

Fetch quests are not desired in Sonic games, period. Regardless if it’s required to progress or not. The least memorable aspect of video games are the fetch quests. And for good reason, that shit ain’t fun!

“And then there are more subtle things, such as the animation for Sonic’s running or the presence of Red Star Rings (collected for unlockable content)

“and gold cannons (which access hidden paths)”

More Mario shit.

For every adjustment to the legacy, there is a similar tribute to it, and that acknowledgement is great to see.”

There’s also a similar pack of babies dying with every adjustment.

Its control and level design adjustments certainly seem to step in the right direction… but will they result in fun gameplay?”

AMMA NO! Step in the right direction my ass! That is a total buzzkill in every sense of the word.

You know, I don’t even know why I’m looking at IGN for anything serious. They’re always optimistic about shit before they bash it to the ground.

But the run button….. and the gold cannon. Fucking hell.

These are staples of SUPER MARIO BROTHERS! In order to run faster in most Nintendo games, you had to hold B to run! Why in the fuck is this in Sonic the Hedgehog!? Sonic’s speed was dependent on player ability! His speed was a type of reward for you to be able to keep the momentum going! It was NEVER A PROBLEM! People got fed up with Dimps’s boost shit because it turned the game into a generic roller coaster ride! Now in order to obtain some sort of speed, you have to make your index fingers sore!? All this just to make Sonic work in 3D!?

First off, Sonic was able to work fine in 3D. It wasn’t perfect, but it didn’t need to be. As long as the games were cool and fun, we don’t give a flying FUCK about perfection! But in order to do that, you have to incorporate fucking Mario elements to do it!? I got a better idea! DROP THE 3D AND JUST WORK WITH 2D! Don’t use Dimps physics and use the engine that was used for the Sonic CD remake for your future games! Don’t cock up everything else out of some misguided desire to perfect 3D gameplay! More people would prefer a SONIC 5 rather than this bullshit!

Takashi Iizuka, WHY THE HELL WERE YOU HIRED FOR SONIC THE HEDGEHOG!? You’re literally suggesting that something that has NEVER BEEN AN ISSUE in the series… has to be corrected by a Super Mario Bros. Mechanic!? Is that literally what you believe now?!

I didn’t think I was accurate by calling you the Eiji Aonuma of Sega! You are planning on turning the series into SOMETHING IT’S NOT! A fucking Mario clone! Why!? Because the Nintards masquerading as Sonic fans shoved it down your throat!? Find your balls and tell them to fold their dicks up and take their Mario obsessions outside in the rain so Sega fans don’t have to watch another of their series completely DIE OFF, not because of idiotic corporate management, but because their in-house devs decided that the series “needs to be fixed!”. You can’t fix a series with no appeal! No one is going to pay $300+ on a defective console to play goddamn Sonic the Hedgehog! It ain’t gonna work!

And invoking Nintendo shit is NEVER going to work! Mario games have never been 100% perfect. Super Mario World is a testament to that. Those Galaxy games more so! What’s next!? You’re gonna need fire shields to do a fire dash and get through some vine obstacles while the power up is timed too!? You already got trite touch pad gimmicks…. ugh. Fuck it.

You know what? Iizuka is the worst thing to happen to Sonic the Hedgehog, he’s an incompetent jack ass with very little regard for how the series worked in the past. I don’t care how tight Knuckles was. You don’t go around and suggest a staple of a series is already a PROBLEM after 15 fucking years of it having no effect on the series popularity. What you need to do is take a time stone, go back to 2003-4 and tell your younger self NEVER put a damn gun in the series. Everything would’ve been just fine if that never happened! But no! You think “Shadow’s a DAAAAAAARK character, so lets take inspiration of Hollywood’s trashy action movies and completely FUCK UP any chance of Sonic having respect anymore”. And now you’re gonna turn Sonic into Mario Jr. as a means of fixing Sonic’s non speed problem? Fuck you, Takashi.

This partnership has already gone down the drain. Now watch that asshole post this on gamefaqs just so I can read all the comments about “O Y DON U WAIT UNTIL PLAI DA GAEM DUUUUR RANDOM MENTAL DISORDER!”.