Yes, I know everyone hates Sonic and the Secret Rings/Black Knight with extreme prejudice, but hear me out. These are quite honestly the only Japanese devs at Sega who have, at the very least, an understanding of what the fuck Sonic is supposed to be.

Unfortunately, Ogawa, from what I’ve read in the past, no longer works at Sega and is with some weird company named “Ryu gaku….” whatever the fuck it is. Maybe the rabbid journalists ripped the hell out of Black Knight to the point of him getting fired (since reviews determine if you get a bonus these days, which is quite fucked up in any regard), so no chance of him ever coming back, but work with me.While, yes, Colors and Generations are signs that Sega is slowly moving away from the cheese fest of the latest Sonic games around, SOJ still shows it’s desire to cater to the childish adults who think “kid friendly” means teletubbies with attitude. With Colors being as fruity as MLP, and Generations having content that hardly lives up to the music and presentation, and then look at the latest trailer for Sonic “LOST WORLDS!”

Mother fucker, that’s Sonic X-treme! Oh well, they did say “lost worlds” right? Guess the mismanaged crackas from STI will finally have a finished product.

But enough sentimentality. Why would Ogawa and Katano be better directors for Sonic games? Simply put, look at the content for Secret Rings and Black Knight. Ignore the concepts of fighting with a sword, being trapped in storybooks or anything else. Actually, hold up. First off, what is wrong with Sonic fighting with a goddamn sword, first of all? Besides bad controls, that is? Hell, the only thing really bad about the controls is the frame delay before Sonic actually attacks.

First off, I’m assuming the repulsed reception of “Sonic using a sword” is some left-over mouth-foaming hatred from Shadow using guns from hardcore Sonic fans going on the logic of “Why does Sonic need a sword to fight!? He has his own powers!” The question you should be asking is “who gives a fuck?” After all, he DOES drive a car for racing purposes. The next question you should be asking is..

Would you fuck with him with the sword in hand?

Look, we all know the nigga is the fastest thing alive, but most of his attacks come from high velocity collision attacks. They’re powerful enough to destroy robots and BIG ASS BOULDERS. But instead of thinking “that’s good enough”, why not go “how do I make sure no one gets the incentive to fuck with me”? Then ask yourself how it would feel like to be living helicopter blades? This is how you turn a Kinetic force of nature into a weapon of ass destruction! Instead of limiting yourself by “just good enough”, think in terms of “no one would DARE challenge me now!”

Let me take that a step further with Shadow the Hedgehog. Why use weapons when he has chaos control? Well… why waste his energy on worthless humans and aliens? You are beneath his powers, so he’s going to insult you by using inferior methods.

There, I’ve defended two of the most hated concepts of the Sonic series. You are now free to feed me your hostility and pierce me with your hatred. All I can say is at least they aren’t turning Sonic into a goddamn cave drawing.

Anywho, one of the things Ogawa and the gang have done right in particular was making Sonic seem… normal, for the most part. It’s like ever since Sonic X, Sega started turning Sonic into less of a loudmouth asshole and into… I wanna say Spike Spiegal from Cowboy Bepop, but with more of an “Heero Yui mary sue” streak, where he just seems too “perfect” with no known personality flaws, and everyone is only nervous around his thrill seeking tendencies. In the “storybook” games, the other characters have a tendency to get pissed at him for his thrill seeking tendencies, he’s more short-tempered than usual, has lapses in judgement several times… kinda like his old self. I guess being around characters who aren’t… exactly familiar helps bring out Sonic’s more likable traits. Hell, he actually gets his ass kicked for once.

See, the reason playing “only Sonic” these days seems like a shitty idea is because the character of Sonic is not easy to stomach. People like flawed characters in stories mainly because there’s no point to having a perfect character with no room for development. The joy of stories is usually putting imperfect characters in situations to see how they persevere. Ask any REAL gundam fan what they think of Gundam Wing and I’ll bet you many of them would take offense with the nigh invincible emo five band, especially that fuck head Heero Yui who can somehow grow organic wings out of an armored vehicle.

In his woooooooooorld. The woooooorld of Red bull.

Another thing I’ve enjoyed was how they can make existing Sonic characters even more bad ass than they used to be. For example…

Dual-Axe-Wielding Knuckles Mother Fucker

Just look at dat sumabitch.

No… look at him.

That’s Knuckles. Dual-wielding axes. And he can swing them at a high-velocity as if he was Joe Musashi. He looks like a goddamn assassin ready to rip some ass and fuck shit up. Not to mention he has less delay in his attacks than the other characters, and his Soul Surge attack is much more useful, making him once again the best character in the game. No really. Outside of Sonic Battle, Knuckles is always the best character to play as. While I haven’t played Transformed yet, I’m sure Joe would provide some competition for Knux in bad assery and technique. He’s usually always got some damn good advantages over other characters in Sonic games with multiple characters (sans that damn 06). He’s the fastest Power character in Riders, has the fastest boost charges in All Stars Racing, and the fastest attacks in BK.

Not to mention he’s smart again. Too bad Blaze is still the same old one-dimensional bitch shes always been.

I think we can all admit that Ogawa and Katano comes up with better designed villains. I mean look at the new bunch of retards they’ve got in the next game. AOSTH called. They want their shitty “character of the day” designs back. SR and BK had villains that looked like threats. Tell me, which looks more like a villain to you?

Granted, Merlina looks like an animu shit stain, but tell me how the fuck ANYONE is supposed to find those “deadly six” to be anything but rejects for Divatox’s henchmen?

Even I, the great Elgar, look scarier than those tools!

Whoever did Erazor’s voice should be fired, but damn. Look at the lazy ass designs of those six! It’s like they let a fucking kid draw that shit up in 2 minutes and called it a day. And we all know that green bitch is gonna be 34’d in the next 12 hours. These villains are completely shallow, have zero thought put into them, and the trailer already makes them seem non-threatening by virtue of Sonic not giving a shit about red man’s punches. The man can take down an over-sized water god without the need of a super form, he ain’t gonna piss himself over those assholes anytime soon!

Then, there’s the music. The concept of being inside of a storybook world sounds gay as hell, thank Amma they put in music to invoke some sense of “cool” to stave off the fruit fest. And a damn fine soundtrack to boot!

Better than that ass cheese OST of Colors, ain’t it? I don’t care how nice Aquarium Park’s theme is! Honestly, considering the campy direction the series is going, this was a relief.

And is it just me or were these the only Sonic games that had the capacity to kick your ass last generation? Secret Rings might be more of a frustrating game due to shitty level, RPG, and boss designs, mind you, but it’s rare to find a Sonic game that didn’t treat you like one of the bitch ass hardcore gamers that couldn’t handle any game’s difficulty unless it was a slower paced RPG.

Now gameplay wise, that’s a whole ‘nother issue best left to someone with better skills in level design (Secret Rings) or knowing how to cut back on frame delay (Black Knight), but in regards to content alone, Ogawa and Katano should be running things. They seem to display some knowledge of what made Sonic appealing in the past while trying new concepts and fixing up the muckery that is SOJ’s desire to appeal to the Japanese (and failing miserably). It’s a real shame when a spinoff feels more like a Sonic game than the main series entries of late. The faux “back to the roots” bullshit has failed miserably as games like Sonic 4 and Generations hardly feel like trips back in time (mainly due to all the re-releases and… general feel of the games not matching up well at all). Hell, if you can’t do it right, try and go back to how the series was feeling prior to Shadow the Hedgehog, which is what SR and BK do just enough. This whole “over-done kid friendly” fad that the fuck-headed fanbase demanded is just killing the franchise further than usual. But no, lets make the series more “4kidsy” for initial praise before people quickly dismiss the game weeks afterward for being “bland” and “dull”.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Honestly, deadly six? Amma, those are 6 shitty looking characters. Shit like them makes you appreciate (OH THAT WORD!) the concepts that went into SR and BK.

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