Because it has BETTER SWORD COMBAT THAN SKYWARD SWORD!

Yet no ass at all.

For those who don’t know, Oneechanbara is a series of smut games created by Tamsoft and published by D3 (God Eater Burst) that started out on the PS2 and moved onto the 360 and Wii. It’s…. not completely a series about smut as it was with DOA and Rumble Roses. Actually, it’s about…. nothing. You’re playing one half-naked chick and her school-girl sister slaughtering zombies. I suppose the appeal is in how ridiculous the premise of the series is. Oneechanbara was intended to be nothing more than a B-rated game with nothing but ridiculously dressed main characters killing hoards of undead. But it became real popular in Japan.

I think it’s because the storyline is much more serious than what the box art lets on. In tons of Japanese games, you might get a bit of sex appeal that adds to the wackiness of the premise, but the universe is, while cliche, more or less pretty dark. The women in this series are cursed with something called the “baneful blood”, a curse that turns the women into personifications of PMS. If there’s too much blood splattered all over them, they get very very evil.

PURE EVIL!

Aya (the bikini bitch), is the big sister who struggles to control the curse while trying to relieve her sister Saki (think go go yabari/crazy bitch from Kill Bill) who embraces it. I guess they’re vampires or w/e. There’s also a biker chick who pulls a Pandora’s Tower and eats a villain’s fucking heart, an inappropriately dressed white hoe cop, and… this… thing.

That is a big ass sword!

There’s not really much to the plot, of course, and serves as an excuse to press a button and kill shit.

But what intrigued me was how much better the motion controls were for this thing than they were for Soul Calibur Legends, Sonic Unleashed, and especially Skyward Sword. Waggle combat hasn’t felt this precise and responsive…..like ever, and this game just shits all over Fi’s mobile home. See, the game actually requires some precise timing to get combos down pat, but the controls are simple and effective enough that with like… 10 minutes of practice, you won’t even remember having any trouble. Now, you can just flail about like a drummer boy and still do well in that regard, but if you want some flashy fighting, you’re gonna have to spend some time with practice mode or some tutorials.

But my favorite part about the combat was Aya’s duel katana mode where you use both the Wiimote and Nun-chuck in rhythmic harmony as you rip ass through the zombie hoards. One, it frees up your right arm from the stress of flailing about and 2, it feels more natural this way. And I do mean freeing your arm because you can get some serious carpel tunnel from playing this game. I think my hand is swelling a little.

Of course, knowing how feminist gamers have become, Oneechanbara will never be a success in the US because women have too much power. And the unfortunate thing is only one character fits the description of being incredibly shameless. Despite the overtly serious tone of the game’s story, you have to admit that the game’s premise is just wacky. You have a woman stripped down to lingerie fighting zombies in a cowboy hat and a feather boa. Despite the fashion sense being downright awful…

She ain’t even that fine! Aside from the face, she literally has the same build that most middle-aged white women in hollywood have, and those bitches are nowhere near being attractive. That’s right, fuck Scarlet Johansan! And I know most of you would love to. Let me be clear. DOA’s girls will always be numero uno fap material for video games. Reason being because they at least have a little bit of thickness in all the right places. I just wish Tecmo didn’t give Lisa the “Vanessa Lewis Treatment.”

DOAD: Mmm, dark Chocolate.

DOA5: Fucking Butterscotch!?

Anywho, I find the sword combat in a lot of Wii games lacking if only because they try to over-complicate motions necessary to do moves. Soul Calibur tried to replicate the vertical and Horizontal slashes with abominably calibrated motions which, combined with the actual character movesets from the fighting games, never responded well at all. And you know the game’s controls are horrible when Namco includes calibration presets to do certain slashes easier, making precise motions utterly fucking pointless. Castlevania Judgment’s special moves are accident prone up the ass. Skyward Sword is nothing but sword combat turned into a minigame of “guess where to hit next!”.

With this game, it felt like everything just works. For example, you have a hand thrust move necessary to kill mud zombies. You have to do at least 3 slashes, pause, then a thrust motion, IT ACTUALLY WORKS! It’s funny how something so low budget has better motion controls than most well known 3rd party brand games. Special attacks and move motions are so clean cut and precise, I’m ashamed to have glossed over the game because the subtitle is so embarrassing and inaccurate. But if you’re not into that sword swing shit, you have Reiko there to fire guns at people.

As for the game itself, it’s low budget, and it shows. You only have 4 characters, all with similar moves and special attacks, the only distinguishing features being their secondary attack modes. Each character goes through the same 8 stages in different orders, bosses being only each other and there’s nothing more to it besides a free mode, survival, and several costumes to unlock via completing quests if you’re pervy enough to do so. Other than that, there’s literally nothing else beyond this game and it’s well-implemented controls. And bitches. But if you’re into hefty content, you’d probably be better off turning your chin up and walking toward the nearest Sengoku Basara game so you can stare at a gender-confused Magoich Saika.

The most pissed off Bridget you’ll ever know.

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