NO….ARBITRARY….BULLSHIT!

Due to the Pandora’s Tower bugs, I can’t even finish the fucking game. Currently, XSeed is looking into the problem, but considering that they’re not getting enough complaints, they aren’t convinced that this is an actual problem. More than likely it’ll never have a real fix because of the “majority clause” having nothing to say.

So there’s 40 bucks wasted.

To stave off my pissed-off meter, I decided to pick up Super Paper Mario. You know, me thinking that maybe this game might just be fun. I mean, it’s Paper Mario with regular ass Mario mechanics combined with Action-RPG elements. What could go wrong?

Every mother-fucking thing about this package.

First off, you can’t go into this game thinking t might be a regular ass action-RPG. Oh no, you have to think of it as a prototype for Skyward Sword.

Oh yes. Super Paper Mario is a fine blueprint for Skyward Sword for the fact that the game sends on you on nothing but incredibly boring fetch quests everywhere you go. And usually, it’s for the most idiotic and stupid of shit.

For example, there’s a part in the game where you have to find….. toilet paper. Toilet paper for what? A Pixl. The fuck is a pixl? Little fairy things that give you new powers, many of which are only useful for one portion of the entire game (their introductionary obstacles). Just like Aonuma Zelda where all the new gear becomes completely and utterly worthless after the very dungeon you received the item from! Anywho, the Pixl in question just allows you to change a few things in the background by spinning one portion of it around a bit. Get this, the Pixl waited in a porto-potty for 100 years looking for some toilet paper. 100 years, good thing you’re immortal. But in order to continue, you HAVE to find toilet paper. Why? Because an alien friend of yours knows where a pure heart is (the super important collectables needed to save the world), but she needs to use the bathroom. Even though we’re all in space and she could easily piss herself on the already shit-stained meteor, bitches just need privacy in the deepest parts of space.

I mean for what!? The majority of the game is you playing mother goose’s bitch! I don’t think I recall having to do so many arbitrary fetch quests in any video game outside of Nintendo games these days. And Super Paper Mario has so many bullshit reasons for why you’re doing shit, for example, in the ultra racist cragly world, you have this tv person who lost a key to a door you need to get through. But he mentions his TV crew might have it. So you go through all of this shit looking for them, but when you find them both and return, you find out the dumb ass tv host himself forgot he left it in his pocket.

See, Nintendo pisses me off with stupid BS like this. They think they can get away with arbitrary objectives in their games by overloading them with overwhelmingly silly attempts at humor that they think is cute. But that humor falls flat on it’s face because 1. It’s absolutely childish. 2. It’s condescending as fuck. 3. Overuse of puns kill everything. 4. Humor and comedy work only as a means of relief from situations that are perceived as serious It’s called “comedy relief” for a reason! And comedy is a shitty excuse to send my ass on wild goose chases for a diet book to give to some old bitch…..who’s already dead! What you wanna lose weight for, bitch!? Ain’t no damn modeling in the underworld! *cough* I’m sorry, it’s “underwhere”, which is a shitty pun used to sound like “underwear” so that the dialogue will seem clever and “funny” when you say it out loud. It’s the most pretentious shit I’ve ever seen.

The comedy just… doesn’t… work. Especially since the villains are no where near being threatening.

What the fuck is this thing? Am I supposed to shit myself?

Meet “O chunks”. Along with an incredibly terrible name, he speaks in broken english and is incredibly stupid. But he’s also aggressive and super strong. At the same time, he’s not funny, interesting… or even important. He’s just there to get his ass kicked a million times.

And this…. thing is the main villain, Count Bleck. He looks like a vampire pimp and speaks in third person. He’s not scary or threatening at all, just has lots of cheap powers. Aaaaaaaand he’s only trying to eliminate the universe because he was cock-blocked. Well, I can’t blame him there.

But as a villain, he’s absolutely terrible! Bowser has been and always will be the only Mario Villain that poses even a sliver of a threat. Miyamoto or whoever the fuck makes the games these days do not know how to make good Mario villains, and this is a pure example. You have villains that are non-threatening and are more comical than the stupid ass NPC’s you meet in the game worlds. Not only are all of the villains badly drawn designs, but they reek of cliche to the point that you question Nintendo’s self-proclaimed “innovational” status.

And you know what the fucked up part is? The gameplay is fine. But if it wasn’t such a boring piece of shit, it would’ve been at least… a B- tops. The game is so pretentious, I can’t stand it. And condescending too. I like how Nintendo goes in and insults people on the internet with flanderizations about how they approach certain issues like “complaining about games they’ve never played”. First off, Nintendo lives in some bizarro dimension where anyone who doesn’t like their games automatically have never played them at all. They assume the people who bought their pieces of shit love them to death. Most Nintards do, honestly, but in general, more people come out disappointed than usual.  For one, I’ve not seen one person recommend Super Paper Mario as a game to be included in their Wii collections and for good reason, the entire game is one big fetch quest, even more so than Skyward Sword even.

For example, why the fuck… that after a pretty hefty world, you are required to go back to the main hub world (flipflop town or w/e the hell it’s name is) and find very well hidden pillars just to proceed to the next world? This artificially lengthens the game time for no fucking reason! There’s no rhyme or reason to have to do this. For one, you have… NO MAP in this game, so it’s easy to get lost in flipflop town because every area you go through looks exactly the same, plus the town has a “dark world” variant that you also have to go into just to find more pillars and that creates a giant clusterfuck because then once you find a pillar, you have no shortcuts to get back to the main world entrances, so you have to backtrack and get lost some more, then you might find your way back but you’re too bored, tired, and frustrated from the lack of an actual map and sense of direction that you have to be literally taken out of your mind to even bother progressing. And I don’t see why you would! The story is the most tired load of tripe you will ever find in video games. You remember the post I made a long time back about Sticker Star and why people found the story in Super Paper Mario uninteresting, and that was Nintendo’s excuse to completely disregard it for Sticker Star in favor of really shitty gameplay? THE STORY IN SPM IS SOME BULLSHIT!

There’s nothing of interest to be found except childish and pretentious attempts at humor which only exist to entertain children. Adults cannot be entertained by such a piece of shit game like this. Actually, I don’t think even children could enjoy it because there’s WAAAAAAAAY too much dialogue to shift through. I can see children crying “when can I play the game daddy!? I don’t wanna reeeeeeeeeead!” The story is boring and trite enough as it s, but oh amma, the dialogue is nearly endless in it’s dullness and stupidity!

You know, a lot of Nintendo games happen to be like this. Everything feels arbitrary or pointless to the overall gameplay, but seems to be shoved in there for no reason other than to lengthen the game time. Nintendo seems to have this fucked mentality that length equates to quality. This has never been true for any video game….. except Xenoblade. That shit was so long, but so worth it. But see, that game is long but nothing in it feels arbitrary. It’s long by virtue of it’s own design. Everything fits and makes sense in it’s world. Plus, it gives you the desire to do quests which make the game longer, but seeing as they are not required but beneficial makes them worth it. You don’t feel motivated to do a damn thing in Super Paper Mario. It just feels like one giant and dull process you’re “expected” to do because you payed money for it. But see, the real magic is in the fact that Xenoblade’s content is extremely good. And as an incredibly long RPG game, this is a huge plus. The storyline is the backbone of an RPG’s content. Without a good story, you get current Mario RPGs. Gameplay is not even a good factor for an RPG because it gets repetitive anyway. A big reason of why Pokemon can get away with it is the multiplayer aspect and it’s content centered around building a strong team for competition. No other RPG honestly has it this good. Pokemon can get away with having shitty storylines because the other elements of it’s content does the work for them. Multiplayer will, usually, make up for lame ass content and gameplay. If an RPG has no multiplayer, then it damn well better have good content or gameplay, neither of which Super Paper Mario has. Think about Final Fantasy 7. Gameplay is absolutely dreadful, dull and lifeless, but everyone remembers FF7 for Aries’s death. Resident Evil’s general gameplay is tedious, but people loved it for the scare factor and maybe it’s storyline. Super Paper Mario’s general gameplay is average, but has shitty content that cures your insomnia. The only people who could enjoy this game are the Nintards who probably metacritic’d this game’s rating to disproportionate levels.

I don’t think I’ve had any actual fun from nintendo games outside of NSMB, Kirby Return to Dreamland, and maybe Brawl. Everything else is some trite bullshit that wasn’t worth the money I laid down for. Every game from them have seemed like awful… awful sequels.

Sega on the other hand, even with the bullshit they pulled with Sonic Unleashed and Generations have been much… MUCH better in this regard. See, you jump into their games and actually have some semblance of FUN! Super Monkey Ball is fun on the Wii. House of the Dead is fun. Sega All-Stars Racing is fun. Both Conduit games are incredibly fun. All these games have one thing in common. NO… BULLSHIT!

Sega games are more “arcade” style in design. Sonic games rarely have pointless tutorials you’re forced to sit through before you can actually start the game. When they do, they’re usually short or meshed within levels to have you play without pausing the game for any reason. Super Monkey Ball, you just tilt, hope you don’t fall the hell off, and GOAL! Then you go to the next stage without any long winded transitions. Rarely do any Sega games hog up the play time with silly things called “puzzles and fetch quests” (Sonic Adventure and PSO withstanding). HOTD:O is a lot more enjoyable than the Darkside Chronicles because lack of interruptions in gameplay like “cutscenes” or your partner character randomly getting caught and you have to free him, just get in there and blow shit up. Hell, even Phantasy Star Portable 2 feels like a better RPG than Xenoblade given it’s content and beat’em up style works better than having all of the fighting being on auto-pilot half the friggin time.

The majority of the gameplay you find in current Nintendo games makes you wanna fall the fuck asleep. It doesn’t matter how good the production values are. You’re gonna be bored out of your fucking mind, complaining, or just missing the good ol’ days when Nintendo kicked ass. Sega games constantly have you kicking ass and gives you insomnia half the time. But because Sonic, from 06 to 2009, had several hiccups, we up and assume Sega is a piece of shit in comparison. Nintendo games win awards for no friggin reason. Yurugu must really be in control of this world when people are defending Pikmin 3.

But Nintendo’s biggest problem is artificial length by arbitrary bloat. Too many Zelda games these days are filled to the brim with arbitrary objectives. Skyward Sword, in order to prove that you are a hero of legend to a dragon, you have to catch fucking tadpoles. Does that make any goddamn sense!? How about fighting a demon or saving people from a burning building! You want me to go fish!? And there’s no reason for a lot of the objectives in Super Paper Mario either. Why do I need to put on some weed hat to pass through a gate checking system when there’s real reason that I can’t just rush through it seeing as there no highly advanced security system set to KILL ME if I fail the security check.

Sega rarely puts you through that kind of shit in their games, but Nintendo seems to bloat their games with so many pointless puzzles and fetch quests with reasons given that seem to be created primarily to troll you for no reason. It’s probably Nintendo thinking they’re clever or funny, but it reeks of pretentious old men who think of nothing more than sadistic little exercises designed only to piss you off simply because they can. Sega games feel like games. Nintendo games feel odd and out of place for gaming, period. Playing Nintendo games on the cube, I kept questioning whether or not the Nintendo games I owned could be called games, outside of F-Zero GX, Custom Robo, Melee and maybe Star Fox Assault, rather than these one time only experiences that you have fun with the first time, then you sell the piece of shit because there’s no replay value at all. The problems Nintendo had with previous Ninty games are SCREAMING in their Wii titles, and I see no end to it in sight.

Instead, Iwata’s just gonna go on stage and apologize to several people for under-performing on their sales of their tech and software. What kind of pussy allows his developers to run amok and create terrible Nintendo games and see no reason to improve the output of their games? Instead, they shit out an NSMB game that DOES NOT CONVINCE PEOPLE TO BUY A WII U! NSMB was a cash cow, but if it couldn’t sell people on the Wii U, you know Nintendo is fucked. Pokemon is literally all they have left. If you’re considering becoming a Nintendo fan, you enjoyment stops at Pokemon and nothing else. They ruined Star Fox, killed off Metroid, destroyed Zelda, and literally did the impossible and KILLED NSMB! They’ve been fucking up everything! And they do not care the slightest. As long as they’re allowed to make excuses and continue to purposefully misinterpret what the fans want from their games, they’re going to run their franchises into the ground for the sake of “innovation” that no one gives a shit about! They don’t give a fuck about you!

Sega seems to be the only developer that actually gives a fuck these days. Most of my enjoyment came from them for this past generation, and it’s easy to see why. Even with motion controls, they still tried to make real games. And believe me, if they make real shit in the next generation, I’ll be there too.

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