That pasty teabag that developed Heavy Rain is telling the industry to grow up. What it boils down to is that he’s pissed off that no one’s buying his shit. I am shocked that something as vainglorious as Heavy Rain managed 2 million given it’s shitty content.

“Buy crap and you will get more crap. Buy risky, ambitious games and you will get more of them”

Translation: ………..HAHAHAHAHAHHAA!

Last I checked, Heavy Rain wasn’t risky or ambitious. Interactive movies are not ambitious. That shit was boring on the Sega CD, and it’s boring now. People are SICK OF QUICK TIME EVENTS IN THE FIRST PLACE! And that’s all Heavy Rain has to offer. So for the record, this fool shouldn’t be talking about a necessity to grow up considering that he bitched about selling 2 million copies of a game that no one really wants. He’s lucky to get that much in the first place.

Lets check out some key things.

“He noted that the industry has remained practically the same for the last 40 years – the best selling games continue to be either those from Nintendo, the Call of Duty games or GTA.”

All of which have been declining in sales. It’s a cold day in whatever hell you believe in when COD doesn’t sell as much as before. But at least Activision is making money. They weren’t complaining, unlike Cage was with Heavy Rain before going on a rage fest against used games.

“There are only three genres: kids games, casual and violent games.”

What the fuck!? Casual games are a GENRE now?! Hmm, how do we categorize movies then?

 Mayonnaise Monkey Films

Coon flicks

Asian Cinema

How stupid do you have to be to use the term “CASUAL” when you want an industry to grow up!? Casual is a term used by insecure man children who think making games for a certain demographic is FUCKING EVIL! And this guy has that same issue considering this quote

“the industry has mostly the same audience for 40 years.”

Translation: FUCK MAN! I can’t make games for these filthy rags that have made this industry what it is today!

“Games have used the same themes and same worlds and same paradigms, he said. One look at Wolfenstein in 1992 compared to Call of Duty in 2012 shows that graphics have leapt forward, but in the last 20 years the concepts haven’t changed much at all – it’s still about guns and “kill people before they kill you.”

Well, killing shit is better than having a self-mutilation scene, isn’t it?

“He noted that games still live in what he termed “wonderland,” a world not connected to our reality, which talks about things that are not related to what we know.”

Um… what? I’d RATHER NOT have video games “connect to our reality”. Why is it that developers are obsessed with making video games realistic? Here’s something realistic. People don’t like having ink for saving their game file. Capcom takes that bullshit out, and everyone adores RE4 for it.

Themes and concepts serve as a metaphor for the reality we live in, and video games do that job just fine. The games themselves are just in a different setting not bound by the laws of our reality. Otherwise, we would be bored as shit, just like we are with Heavy fucking Rain!

“For older gamers, that’s a big problem, Cage noted. It’s an issue that the industry keeps making the same games and lacks innovation.”

This was more successful than this:


I’m sick of people talking about “innovation”. Innovation is not successful unless it relates to what people already like to do in video games! And that is to whoop some ass!

Why don’t you go to Japan with all that innovation shit. The Japanese have bad taste, so they’ll more than likely swallow your shit up like sa’ke in Harumi Nemoto’s snatch.

Huh… so they’re not all flat-chested bricks.

“Cage wants to see the market move from teenagers to a market where anyone can play.”

Bitch, WE DO have a market where anyone can play! You just said we have a kid’s genre (LMBAO)! That denotes that little shits like you can play games along with teenagers!

Here’s the funny thing. Most gamers aren’t even teenagers though. Most of them range in the adult area. Another funny thing is the blatant disregard for games that are directly marketed towards children as well. Most of all, Sonic the Hedgehog, especially with the amount of corny ass scenes he has in Sonic Generations.

Think about some of your friends or parents or grandparents who have no interest in games, but you can all talk about your favorite book or movie.”

Um, yeah. My pops used to be the best pacman player back when he was young and I was still shittin my diapers. My mother can’t get enough of Super Mario, even the new one that came out. My coworkers will always talk about Madden or Modern Borefare any chance they get. Fuck, everyone I’ve talked to has an interest in video games. It’s just not a huge priority like they have with movies or more important things like managing money. And that’s just how it is!

Gaming is junk entertainment that people play to past the time. No one with a healthy life is going to  put a damn video game over their other shit.  That’s some shit TEENAGERS do! You’re advocating we cater games more toward the obsessive nerds in the classroom! IE, take yo pasty ass to Japan for whatever the hell you want to make!

“Cage then proceeded to outline his nine things the industry needs to change to grow up”

Oh amma…

“1. Make games for all audiences. How can we make your mother or grandmother play games? It’s time to invent interactive entertainment for adults.”

I am not gonna anybody play shit they don’t want to play. Why would you want to make games for elderly people that are about due to become maggot food anyway?

2. We must change our paradigms. Violence and platforms are not the only way. We’re in an industry where game designers don’t know what to do if the character isn’t holding a gun, he lamented. You can define interactivity in many different ways. Can we make games that are not based on systems? When you get older, you don’t necessarily want to compete in a game with others. You don’t want your ass kicked by a 10-year-old. So can we as an industry make games with no gun?”

Ok, so apparently I’ve been living in an alternative reality where the majority of games I have played featured characters who more than likely use swords than guns. Hey Cage! Guess what!? The most marketed games aren’t a representation of EVERY FUCKING GAME ON THE MARKET! You’re just as stupid as these hardcore gamers! Do you fucking RESEARCH anything!? It would take me 3 hours to list every “non-gun toting” video game that has ever been released, and you’d still think every game has a gun, you dipshit.

And what does getting your ass whooped by a 10-year have to do with guns? You can get your ass whooped by 10 year olds playing as Sagat in SF4 with absolutely no effort on their part. And no gun is present!

This fool is not making any sense by throwing out random shit like this. The NRA must be pissed at this fool.

“3. The importance of meaning. Many games have absolutely nothing to say. They are empty, he said. So can we create games that have something to say, that carry an idea, that tell you something that resonates with you? Let authors come in! Most games are written by designers or graphic artists or others, he noted. All real world themes should be used – any theme you know in real life could be used in a game. Can we create games that talk about relationships, feelings, politics, homosexuality? Games should be a mirror for what you are, Cage remarked. The game will leave an imprint on you. You will keep thinking. This is what any creative medium should achieve, he asserted.”

Translation: I have no idea why people like video games.

This asshole is advocating pretentious bullshit that ignores what the CUSTOMERS WANT! No one wants that philosophical BS in their video games. Gamers care about their enjoyment and not being “educated” by some dipshit who thinks Ghost in the Shell is a stunning masterpiece because people talk to damn much about the “human condition” and why humans have emotions.

Cage: “Why do the gamers get so angry when they lose a video game?”

Gamer: “Because I don’t want to play a game that just has me doing random actions with Playstation Move. It’s not fun to me, yet you keep having all of these QTE’s that do nothing but advance the story. This game is all about your story telling skills and not my own entertainment! This is vainglorius tripe!”

Cage (german accent): DO NOT QUESTION MY GENIUS!

Why the fuck would I want to play a game that discusses homosexuality!? You really are French!

4. Become Accessible. Focus on minds, not thumbs! He said games should just be about going on a journey, not just about challenging you”

……What you just said is one of the most insanely idiotic things I’ve ever heard. At no point were you even close to anything that could be considered a rational thought. Everyone in this room is now dumber for having listened to it.

“6. Need to establish new relationships with Hollywood. For a long time they saw games like licensed products, but games can be more than that and should be a respected medium, he said. It’s time for constructive, balanced partnerships. Cage said game makers and Hollywood can invent a new form of entertainment together.”

Is this fur licker actually saying gaming needs to join up with Hollywood!? Do you want video games to die prematurely!? If you aren’t an idiot, you made a world-class effort at simulating one because this is the most idiotic suggestion you could ever offer! Hollywood is trash. It has degraded to the point that it’s not worth putting money into. And you want to partner up with them?!

Ok, so now we’re getting to the real reason you’re pissed off! You just want to make movies! Stupid, shitty drama movies none the less! So why did you become a game developer!? Don’t nobody want that bull shit on their game consoles! Hollywood is in the state of devolution to even more garbage than the game industry pushes out. Fuck, game developers still have an ounce of civility in them. Hollywood dehumanizes people and has the gall to call it entertainment.

“7. Changing our relationship with censorship. This is-“

AHP! No… stop. I’m not even gonna bother with that one.

“8. The role of press. Press is very important, Cage said. He stressed that press are generally very clever, they analyze the business, they evangelize it and try to educate. But he also blasted another segment of the press: the game critics. He claimed that they “aren’t press”. Being a critic is a serious job but not everybody has the skill for it, he said. He complained that there’s no analysis from critics.”

Why the hell do you care? Every critic has already sucked your pencil dick over Heavy Rain alone (most were probably paid off to do it).

Oh wait, so you’re actually admitting your game is trash, and that game critics had no idea why they praised a shitty game?

Well now, you’re not so stupid afterall!

“In the end, Cage just wants to see games transform from “games” to “digital entertainment.” This new form of entertainment should be accessible to all, open to all themes and genres, talk to society in meaningful ways, should be based on the journey, not the challenge, should be cross platform, and it should become mass market, he concluded.”

I swear, you’re pretentious.

I like this comment, though

“His message seems kind of confused. One moment he says we need to stop making this kind of game, then says we should be allowed to make whatever we want, but then we need to stop making games that are challenging because it’s about the journey, but they should appeal to everyone, which I would assume the people that wanted a challenge are an exception? Also multiplayer is bad because some people don’t like it? I don’t know, it sounds like a lot of personal design opinions than design facts. I’m tired of fps too, but I just remedy it with other games cause the ecosystem is huge. It’s like an iceberg, everyone can see this shallow tip of bloody shooters and scanty nuns, but no one takes a breath to look under the water and see the Minecrafts, Sim games, Machinariums ad infinitum.”

In the end, Cage just doesn’t understand videogames or the people that play them. But, like Nintendo, he doesn’t give fuck about you or me. He’s just one of those “artistic” college folks that think taking a million fine arts majors will make the best games ever. He’s just bitch-made.