Summed up in one post on a forum that has…. suspiciously sane Sonic fans.

It’s nice to actually find something logical on video game forums these days. He/she pointed out the very reason why Kirby’s Epic Yarn is some shit. The game:

“feels as if there is no gameplay skeleton and you are consuming cotton candy. It just turns to sugary vapor when you consume it.”

There is nothing Epic about this Yarn shit.

Now, I know all the people that defended Kirby’s Epic Yarn are Nintards with an extreme vindication against people who are speaking the truth. You know why this is?

1. Those that defend this game are Nintards.

I’m looking through this thread (and several others) where no one even bothers to explain what they even like about the damn game. Naw, people just want to argue about shit. What is so great about Kirby’s Epic Yarn? Most people couldn’t tell yah. And how can they? The game has no merits worth talking about! One thing is for sure. If people honestly enjoyed Epic Yarn, you would see Kirby fans demanding MORE of that game. You see people demanding SOTN. That alone solidifies it as the best in the series based more so on demand. More people want NSMB than 3D Mario. IE NSMB is superior. More people want Metroid Prime than Super Metroid. I pointed that out already. If you have a large group of people loving something that they can’t even explain why they love it, they don’t really love it at all. They support it because a certain company made it. Nintards will love every Nintendo game that comes out. But notice how Nintards won’t point out elements of the games they love… until they feel attacked. 

See, now the Nintards will get on the defensive and viciously attack someone until they get to a point where they can manipulate a debate and narrow down a person’s opinion on a game to the gamer in question having some personal problem that disables them from liking something. Half the time, that shit devolves into a “you just suck” slam fest. Course, that’s impossible to say with a game that won’t even bother to kick your ass.

So what’s the next best thing? People use the apple jacks defense.

WE EAT WHAT WE LIKE!

More than likely, they’re gonna go on the trip about “I just like it” or “it’s just fun!”. That would be acceptable if most of these replies weren’t in response to a critique of the game. No one’s attacking the person’s taste in video games. The person is attacking the game for being a piece of shit.

See, the fan of the game feels attacked because when you love something (for any reason, doesn’t matter), you…. absorb that game’s essence into your soul. So that game… is now a part of you. It sounds crazy until you think about the things that have influenced you in your life. American Nationalism influences every mother fucker in this country. So Americans get real offended when someone attacks this country (we have to be the most sensitive mother fuckers on the face of the Earth. We lash out at anybody just for saying Mcdonalds got shitty fries). So, the Nintard, because Nintendo influenced him so much therefore absorbing the essence of Nintendo into his soul, immediately feels attacked if Nintendo or their games are criticized. This is why gamers can’t get their shit straight and can’t ever dictate why they like certain video games. The majority of people can’t even explain why they like Aonuma Zelda! And yes, I await the angry comments trying to subvert the message that say otherwise.

So when it comes to Epic Yarn, the primary reason is that Nintards will defend this mother fucker regardless of it’s quality. There’s a difference between a Nintard and a fanboy. Fanboys are constantly paranoid about the quality of their obsession, and will sometimes be on the defensive if they even sense a drop in quality. Nintards have unconditional love. Unhealthy love. Abnormal love… for this one company.

2. Most fans are pretentious “games are art” hardcores.

Lets be real. Hardcore gamers in general will have stupid reasons for loving games. The main praise of Shadow of the Colossus was that the game was fucking art. You will not hear one thing about it’s gameplay, the most important element.

It’s a glorified boss rush mode.

All you do in this game is run around an empty, big ass world looking for boss fights. Then when you find one, your biggest challenge is the camera and controls as you climb these big ass golems attacking glyphs in their bodies. Then you move on looking for another. That’s it

GAEM OF THE FUCKING YEAR!

Most hardcore types thought the Yarn style was “cute” and “quirky” and immediately love the game based solely on it’s art style.

This isn’t really an abnormal thing. Games like Madworld, Windwaker, and ESPECIALLY Okami get praise based on it’s art style. Madworld might not be a good fit because some people can actually say what they like about that game (and get ignored). Otherwise, if you can’t hear any good things about a game aside from baseless praise, then more than likely people are hypnotized by the art style. Or some underlying, philosophical message  that no one with a decent lifestyle gives a fuck about. Think of Ghost in the Shell, one of the most boring animes out there, and you’ll see what I mean. Quality is not a factor to these people. Hell, Anime where the characters want to front like they’re the next Confucius are actually shit. Minimal action, boring characters that 0% of the population can relate to or enjoy, and a general premise that is ignored in favor of just talking shit. Anyone wonders why half the dialog in the matrix films are unmemorable drags is because most of that shit is something people don’t care about. Just a bunch of pretentious assholes analyzing human behavior like they’re psychologists who can give people a message through the power of entertainment!

No one cares how machines operate? They just want something to do it’s job!? WOW! The wachowsiki brothers are friggin geniuses!!!

Speaking of Okami, I think it’s hilarious how this one game was sold on 2 consoles with big ass fanbases.. and fucked up 2 times. Clover got shut down on the first failure. Why did Okami fail? Because it ripped off Zelda. Now I’m not one to shit all over a game because it ripped off something. But in this case, I’ll make an exception. Why is Okami ripping off Zelda a bad idea?

Because it ripped off Modern Zelda. And Modern Zelda is made by this asshole.

Stare into the face of EVIL!

If you plan to rip off a game that’s made by this limp dick fuck up, your game deserves to fail. Aonuma’s way is NOT THE ANSWER TO SUCCESS!

3. There is no meat to the game that’s worth defending.

For all the niggas who are too lazy to even bother reading the post, let me put it this way.

Video games (not including the simulations like Sim City, Nintendogs or all that other bullshit) require 2 essential elements before even being declared a game in the first place

1. The chance of Success

2. The chance of Failure.

Those things are mandatory. If you don’t have these key elements in a video game, it’s not a game anymore. It’s hot air.

Now, when you have both these essential elements, we can get into a deeper level called “reasonable challenge”. A reasonable challenge being something that is balanced and does not frustrate the players. It feels inclusive and not exclusionary to a certain demographic. Super Mario Bros. 3 would be a reasonable challenge because it’s inviting to people from the beginning and gets progressively harder.. Sonic 2 would be a reasonable challenge up until the final bosses where they say FUCK everything else.. Castlevania Bloodlines would NOT be a reasonable challenge. The difficulty is all over the place. Level 2 is harder than Level 6! And that’s even with all the mind screw rooms in the castle. Of course, Level 2 it would be in Greece, that piece of shit civilization would have crappy levels.

But, you know what, that don’t even matter because Epic Yarn doesn’t even have failure as an option! You can’t fail at Kirby Yarn! Your main objective is collecting gems. And they pop out of you like a bad ejaculation when you get hit. That’s it. That’s all this game has.

Oh I’m sorry. The levels are “creativily designed”. Don’t nobody give a shit. When level designs are “creative”, they become “unfun”. “Inventive” and “creative” are buzzwords used by hardcore gamers who are easily amused by things that do neat little tricks.

These creative levels are things I equate to a kiss. The first time you experience these “creative levels” is the only time it’s really special. But after that, it feels like a routine. Your first kiss is something special. It’s a damned new experience. After that, it’s routine shit. It doesn’t feel like anything special anymore. So when every damned review I see praises the games for having “creative levels”, I am repulsed. Because that tells me the game has no merits beyond it’s ability to show off. And then I get this fuckery that says “I cannot die for any reason”. That just takes the cake.

You need the chance of failure to present a reasonable challenge. It’s like playing the game with inf. health codes. The entire package becomes nothing but a process. It’s not a game anymore. There, you’re just going through the game just to complete it. Playing games with inf. health diminishes any fun factor you might’ve had. When you turn a game into a process, you become a machine. A mother fucking zombie. You’re in a state of… going the motions. You can’t think when in this state. You may say that have to be careful not to lose your gems, nigga please. Ain’t no threat in this game. That’s the point! There’s nothing in this game to fear. You are just collecting shit to advance the game, and there is no obstacle designed to kick your ass… that makes this gem collecting business fun or exciting. You don’t even need to think. See, games like Mega Man makes sure that you pay attention to what you are doing. Cause one wrong move and that’s it! Castlevania as well, and even the Trauma Center games.

You ever why people talk shit about the Dynasty Warrior games? Because half the time, all you’re doing is pressing Square over and over and over again. And you’ll win half the damn time! See, you need games that make you think about what you are doing. You heard how playing video games can actually improve your cognitive abilities? Shit like Epic Yarn makes you stupid! Why? You don’t need something like “concentration” to play that shit! The only thing Yarn is good for is probably relieving you from stress.

And there lies the problem with Nintards. See, the current wave of Nintendo games actually shut down brain function because they’re too damn easy to play. And half these Nintards want to come here and try to debate with someone because they got offended.

Cleanse yo mother fucking soul of this yarn demon! It’s demonic presence is destroying your ability to determine what a good game is.

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