Just in case anyone isn’t aware, 2012 marks the time in which Nintendo Power officially ends it’s publication.

Big deal, right?

Well apparently, seeing as there are some very scary people who think it’s a big ass deal. So much that they made a new site proclaiming to replace the magazine as the new Nintendo Power, titled “Nintendo FORCE!”. I like the little part where the author of the site describes the NP cancellation as the death of his childhood.

This, my audience of 3, is why it’s better to be a Sonic fan. While it’s sad to see people protesting a video game by handing the developers money outright, the fact that someone is acting like a magazine’s cancellation is catastrophic deserves nothing but people shitting themselves with laughter.

The author claims that “NF” will do exactly what every website publication has been doing since the birth of a public internet service. IE it’s gonna be quite useless. I can’t expect much out of a bunch of gaming crackas as they always provide comedy relief in making others feel superior, but this is absolutely ridiculous. Most of the “staff” already provide exactly what NF is proposing to do. Why the hell do they all need to team up to do the exact same thing?

Nintarded” is quite right in this regard. The level of obsession these website authors have over a magazine is breath-taking. Nintendo fans seem to be the kinds of people who can’t seem to avoid judgment errors when given the opportunities. I can recall the days of my youth in which these fanshits went around proclaiming that online wasn’t the future until the Wii had it. Same with graphics until the Wii U came out. It seems that nothing is good until Nintendo does it.

How strange is it that this day and age, the Nintards have yet to change their fanboy ways. Of course, after the supreme ass beatings they’ve gotten from Sony for 2 prior generations, it was orgasmic that the Wii came out on top despite everyone weighing the odds against them. Now that Nintendo can actually afford to make a console this generation, the Nintards have come out in full force of their own arrogance in support of HD graphics and some wild shit called “Tviiiiii”. The fuck does Tvii have to do with videogames?! Isn’t that the kind of shit Nintendo fans have been proclaiming was what mattered the most for the last 17 years!? How easy it is for someone to change their tune when Nintendo actually invests in shit that doesn’t matter to the success of a console.

Nintards always pull this shit. All of a sudden, something is actually a GOOD thing when Nintendo does it, and it tires the fuck out of me. Nintards lack conviction to their own ideals for the salvation of their egos. They don’t care if they make themselves and their fair-weather communities look like assholes as long as they “show their support” in the face of their own hypocracy. Showing support apparently means abandoning all things related to “standards” if it means bending over backwards with your balls in a knot to support a company that rarely gives a fuck about anyone except themselves. They make Sony fans look like pleasant people to be around, and that is an understatement to the utmost degree. And nothing speaks volumes about this attitude more than their insane love for Nintendo games. Just look at any review for pieces of dog shit like Skyward Sword, Metroid Prime 3, Donkey Kong Returns, and the mother fucking 3DS and you’ll see nothing but a general lack of objectivity. Fanboyism, this is not. This is on a grander scale of obsession. Even Capcom fans can see that their favorite titles have some goddamn flaws in them. But these people have become infamous for a fucking review on a piss ass Zelda game! 8.8! Yeah, that’s REAL fucking disastrous for a series that’s been going downhill ever since Aonuma fucked it up, and none of these asshole Nintards can even admit that! They’re so caught up in their clinically insane support of this company that they cannot see how terrible their precious Nintendo games have been doing until the release of NSMBW! And the weird shit is these so-called fans DESPISE NSMBW! It’s probably one of the best mother fucking games on the Wii and gives gamers what they wanted after 15 years of bullshit neglect from a jack ass developer who feels that actually making SUCCESSFUL games are a waste of time! Miyamoto has successfully managed to graft his personality on every single Nintard in existence! Everyone believes NSMBW is successful because of “nostalgia goggles”…. just like Miyamoto! Isn’t that amazing?

Not to mention Nintards live in a different plane of existence where rationale can be drowned out by them shouting their opinions at you until you want to smoke a pack of roasted sheep’s bladder. Arguging with them only gives them a platform to yell at you for being “wrong” for disagreeing with them. How fucked is your life when you give a game like Kid Icarus Uprising a shit review…. for comedy purposes!? Check out this genius quote.

“The first thing I do is check out the menu to see if there’s a control scheme I like better. Being able to change the layout to my liking is exciting.

EXCITING, MOTHER FUCKER! Nothing more badass than changing your controls to suit your needs!

Alright. Fine. Let me calm down.

You’ll have to forgive me. I’m just irritated that some jackass decided to go and advertise my blog on Gamefaqs. While it is true that I need to validate my existence by checking how many views I get, I would never want to go on gamefaqs to advertise. It’s a cesspool where partisanship and the ego reign supreme. On the other hand, since GF users are easily provoked, the publicity should come easy.

But something did strike me a bit…. odd.

A thread about Sticker Star.

It’s actually a bit odd seeing Nintards actually doing the OPPOSITE of deku nut-riding Nintendo for once and taking jabs at Miyamoto’s apparent stupidity. It’s disturbing to see one of my posts on that site. Then the thread devolves into some bullshit about why DKCR is Amun’s gift to gaming, and some shit about Castlevania and Battletoads, and then more “Sonic sucks” scape goating, and then people pointing out the thread is off topic and posting “lol” for shits and giggles. Typical Gfaqs BS that makes me want to shit vomit. I could talk about how Nintards always try to point to games that do something “worse” than the title they’re trying to defend, or talk about why defending Miyamoto’s decision to cut back on story for the sake of shitty game design is the biggest form of insanity…. but that’s not what intrigues me.

The guy who linked my blog to this cesspool talked about how DKCR is “scripted shit”. I’m wondering if he’s the same guy who wrote this email on another, more successful blog.

Problem with both of them is that they don’t really know what “scripted” means. Though they can probably feel that the game design is scripted, it’s not easy to articulate exactly what. And considering both feel that single player is better shows more about their views of scripted gameplay.

“But that’s not the game’s fault! You guys just suck!”. If you guys didn’t check the quote below the blog title by now, you should know that being able to accomplish a task easily or easier than another player does not entitle a game to a positive view point. But I don’t expect Gfaqs users to have logic and rationale, especially the Nintards that act as parasites to the reasoning capabilities of anyone on that forum.

But moving on about the “scripted nonsense”, imagine that a video game has been turned into a hollywood movie set. You have the script writers and the directors all giving you orders about how to do the scene probably. You, the gamer, is the actor in this regard. Actors (at least the less well-known ones) are expected to, for the most part, follow the script almost 100% with little to no control. If you’re not Will Smith, you don’t get too many options about how to do the scene. As such, the writers and the directors expect at least 100% dedication to following the script exactly as it is, because it is their vision. You must succeed in perpetuating their vision by acting out their characters as closely as you can. Most directors can be tyrannical about this.

How this relates to DKCR? Same thing. Take the Mine cart levels or barrel jet stages that occupy at least a good 65% of the entire game (world 4 alone  will tire the fuck out of you). These stages, being on-rails literally, require that you execute certain moves at certain times to progress. Barrel stages have you going up… and then down. These are your only actions. The levels, being the bombastic spectacles they are, activate certain events as you progress. At many points, you are required to move accordingly to avoid obstacles. This wouldn’t be a problem if it didn’t feel like you had to ascend and descend exactly as the level dictates. Take the barrel stage in World 8 where the entire level becomes claustrophobic as fuck. You literally have to move in a certain pattern to avoid killing yourself. The problem with this is the fact that this lends itself to accident-prone deaths (mostly because of shitty controls and physics). Unlike a movie set where you’re given some indication of how you’re supposed to act, you have no foreknowledge of how you’re supposed to progress, so you usually have to die first before figuring out how to flow through the level the right way, which lends itself to an even bigger problem because these levels tend to be quite long. In their desperate bid to show off their histrionic bullshit, Retro ignores anything called “balance”. So what happens is that you have to traverse these levels with a flow chart in mind. You have to follow the script exactly as is or else you die and have to try again.

This isn’t even exclusive to scrolling levels, you also have a few “normal” stages where most of the time, you’re required to hop on a row of enemies just to progress over a long, over-stretched death pit. Because enemy hopping is such a “genius” idea for a platforming challenge. This actually becomes a problem in coop play in that one of the players might get stuck because they’re either too slow or their partner decided to just speed through without giving the partner a chance. This could be blamed on the players, but then it becomes a problem where every level seems to keep doing the same things over and over again. Now you’ve got platforms that actually collapse as you get on them, you don’t have time to sit and wait or plan to advance when the level is telling you to move the hell on. Half the time you’re distracted by how chaotic the levels look, making the game feel harder than it really is. Visual screws are an artificial method to increasing difficulty (and this wasn’t even intentional, Retro just wanted to focus on looking like a Pixar film). If you have no foreknowledge of the level’s script, you’re gonna fuck up regardless of what the Nintards tell you.

So what happens is that the developers expect you to play the game a certain way. There are no alternate routes to progress during the levels so you’re either stuck just roughing it through or buying a key to another level as if it alleviates the problem (because you’re STILL required to beat all the levels to get all the good shit). Most of the time, you need Diddy to just hang on your back for several levels because it literally feels like the game was NOT designed with 2 player in mind. “But they threw that in so that 2 people can play on a whim!” That’s a terrible excuse. If you’re gonna make a game with some coop gameplay, the levels need to be designed accordingly to accommodate both players. NSMBW went through several redesigns to accommodate 4 player action. And it turned out to be one of the best damn platformers of this generation, if not THE best of the generation. Think about Smash Bros. Brawl where the stages literally do get in the way of the combat. That is EXACTLY the problem with DKCR. Where the company focused more on turgid gong shows rather than making a good game.

Retro doesn’t have an excuse. But considering they don’t want to do another game because “platformers are too hard to make”, it’s clear that they’re just incompetent designers who honestly botched the final product. Oh but lets blame Nintendo for not having plans for a sequel, that’s the easy thing to do.

But according to this thread’s pompous morons, Retro was just making a throw-back to the old DKC games. I guess that’s true considering the original trilogy were unmitigated pieces of shit that sold because of it’s graphics and spectacle showcases. Well done! Lets congratulate them for surpassing shitty games!

Lets face it. Games having levels where 80% of the time, you’re expected to follow a script to progress is bad game design.  What happened to games where you were allowed some freedom in how you got to progress!? Even games like Ristar had alternate paths for you to progress through. Mega Man gave you items and abilities that allowed you progress over stupid shit like disappearing blocks because Japan somehow equated bullshit with “fun”. Sonic games always had alternate paths for to progress through. And even then, the games were still challenging and enjoyable. The difference between these games and shit like DKCR? The developers wrote the script, but you’re the script editor! You’re the guy that takes creative control away from those pretentious dipshits who thinks their vision is more important than that of the audience’s entertainment value. You could essentially say “fuck you, I’m doing it this way!” Some of the best games in the world are those where you could decide the different ways you could tackle an obstacle. I can see myself playing NSMBW multiple times because you have more of a choice in how to traverse a level. DKCR, you either follow the script or die and try again.

And look how Nintendo responds. They’re the script writers who became big time and had enough street cred to have all the creative control in the world. What happens? You have LESS POWER in how you get to play their games. All you do is go through scripted nonsense where you’re on a set path to get to the end of the game! What happens? No one gets hyped for their games except all the Nintards who lowered their standards in the name of “obligation and pity”. Skyward Sword? Fuck the previous Zelda titles where you could choose to go into any dungeon you wanted, lets pad this bitch up the ass and expect you to go through all the events in order to experience the amazing high school drama! Metroid? Fuck exploration and the ability to go anywhere even at your weakest state. No, now you need certain items just to progress, turning the series into a god damned fetch quest. And don’t get me started on Other M. Actually I don’t even need to, even THIS GAME broke the psychosis of the Nintards…. for a little while.

But more so, these bitches believe the same half-assed logic as any vainglorious hardcore gamer. The extent to how much a game frustrates you is somehow an indication of “high quality”. I said it before, this is only because games these days are so easy that people parade on this “Hard = good” mentality. Actually, I don’t think that’s the deal with Nintards to be honest, I think it’s more so them trying to convince people that Wii is a “hardcore” console considering the stigma it’s gotten for having the tired “casual” label. So them having 1 game with a perceived steep difficulty curve is enough to give them some “authority” over those who have the capacity to come out and say “there be some fucked up shit in this game!”

But worse yet, this seems to have been leaked over into the development side where they believe a “retro” throwback means it has to be cock-smashingly hard. I have never once heard anyone in my life remember a game so fondly because of it’s difficulty. Certain games are remembered for being hard as shit, but half the time, the difficulty isn’t what people enjoyed about these games. Having fond memories of getting the shit kicked out of you? It would seem that Hardcore gamers are blood-drunk masochists if that was the case. If that is the case, I guess it’s easy to see why they would bash themselves over the head with several shitty Nintendo games that have come out… and love them to death. They have no standards for quality anymore and will just bounce back and forward when the argument is most convenient for them.

I find it so disturbing that these hardcore piss ants are parading on DKCR as this mythical beast of a game in comparison to NSMBW. It’s as if they feel threatened by the game’s mere presence and have to latch onto DKCR as a worthy title because they think it’s “challenging”. I love… the mentality that someone that does not like a game must suck at it. No ands, ifs, and buts about it. No one who can beat a game actually loathes the game, which is ironic as many will claim NSMBW is easy as piss, but will shit all over that title regardless of how good they are at it. And it’s not just Nintards that pull this shit. Every “hardcore” twat uses this kind of argument as damage control. Why? Because of our society. I need to rant about that shit sometime. And it’s ironic considering these assholes will defend every Nintendo game ever made, including 90% of Nintendo’s easiest titles. It’s salvaging their egos. They just can’t handle the fact that someone acknowledges the game is poorly made. They must know it to be true if their anger is anything to go by. But hell, what is it about NSMBW that threatens their masculinity that they need to worship DKCR like the Japanese worship their small penises?

Pictured: Nintards and a giant statue of Donkey Kong cosplaying as a shiny Dragonair.

I actually have a theory as to why they have this “Donkey Kong is superior to Mario” shtick going on. It dates back to the early 90s. You see, before then, Super Mario took the world by storm. Mario was celebrated as the greatest platformer the world has ever. The Nintards were born and had believed that Super Mario… would never die.

Then… an upstart appeared.

Sonic the Hedgehog took the world by storm. Immediately becoming a new favorite amongst the world of gamers, Sonic became a champion of cool! In fact, he was waaaaay past cool. Suddenly, Mario was no longer cool! He was considered lame! He was getting shitted on 3x sideways! Sonic’s speed and overall factor was a little more than the Italian fat ass could handle. Sonic became a world wide phenomenon. The Nintards panicked. While they flung insults at the Segatards, they knew damn well that Mario was being crushed.

And then came their savior.

My turn!

Donkey came out of retirement after his embarrassing defeat at the hands of a guy with bug spray. He introduced the world to his country in which he reigned as the king. He lived the good life but would usually come out of relaxation to kick the shit out of some crocodile.

Because this guy just wasn’t cutting it.

Suddenly, the coolness shifted. People were amazed at the good life DK was livin. Had his own jungle and was a bigger king than Mufasa! And what happened? Donkey Kong duked it out with Sonic…. and won. Sonic’s speed might’ve given him a slight edge, but he was no match for DK’s raw, unbridled power. DK’s endurance was also something to be marveled at. Sonic might’ve kicked the shit out a peasant plumber, but he was no match for a king!

Donkey Kong even kept Sonic’s shoes as a trophy for his victory.

What happened to Mario?

He was reduced to crying like a little bitch.

Yoshi got stuck trying to nurse Mario back to his former self. In the meantime, however, it was decided by the Nintard tribe. “Mario was no longer worthy of his title of “super”. If he couldn’t defeat that damned upstart then he is not strong! Our true champion has arrived! His name is Donkey Kong! And he will mark our rise into stardom! Mario is no more! It is time to get KONGED!”

And they stuck with that promise to the bitter end. The Nintards BETRAYED Mario! They would NEVER acknowledge his success ever again. It is DONKEY KONG that is King! He is worthy of praise! Not a plumber that failed to sustain momentum in success! Donkey Kong! It will ALWAYS BE DONKEY KONG!” And the funny thing is this was mostly done to pretend that asswhooping never happened.

How ironic that Donkey Kong now symbolizes Nintendo’s business practices starting with the N64 and onward.

OOOH OOH! MONKEY LIKE BANANA! MONKEY MONKEY MONKEY!

The Nintard mentality is that of salvaging their egos. They HATE facing reality and acknowledging that maybe, just maybe, they’re full of shit. They jump on the band-wagon of something when their devs start doing it, even after 6 years of pointing out how useless it is to the success of their game consoles. The amount of hypocritical bullshit they will shove down your throat is astounding. Even when faced with facts, they will deny the truth. Just as the white man denies that Khemet was a black nation in ancient times, the Nintard will deny their precious company is not perfect. Ladies and gentlemen, fanboys and fangirls. Take pleasure in knowing that even though people will talk shit about your fanbases (and Ra knows Sonic fans get this shit endlessly), know that you are at least not a complete fucking, permanently in denial, ego salvaging, deku nut-riding sack of shit like the Nintard menace. Plus, take pleasure in knowing you don’t cry over a magazine ending it’s publication.

Peace.