As a Wii owner, I am no stranger to having my entire library be considered a tragedy. Now, in my previous post, I have stated before that you actually need to search for a good game on the console. What I really mean is… searching amongst the most recommended pieces of shit the Hardcore will swear are the greatest games ever. You see, the most recommended games are also the worst loads of tripe I’ve ever had the misfortune of playing myself. So, in order to steer people in the right direction of what I believe are some the best games to get on Wii, here’s a run down.

#1! Sonic and Sega All Stars Racing

WAIT! DON’T LEAVE YET! I’M SERIOUS!

I’m not one of those guys who writes off a game for being a “rip off”. Quality is not defined by originality. Otherwise, there needs to be a reason for the success of Sony’s consoles considering how much they ripped off.

It’s a lollipop!

Sonic and Sega All Stars Racing is one of the most fun titles on the system. Considering that Sega fucked up with Zero Gravity, I was expecting some of the worst controls of all time. But this game controls very smoothly. I was literally stupified. The characters mostly come from the Sonic series, but you get a nice selection of Sega characters to boot. Who would think you’d get to see Ryo Hazuki from Shenmue race against Jacky Bryant from Virtua Fighter? (And yes, Jacky sucks in this game). Not to mention the Bonanza Bros., Alex the Kidd, and…..ew… Billy Hatcher!? WHY!? Of all the characters you’d put in this game, you put in that queer ass bitch!? Billy Hatcher is a game virtually NO ONE gives a shit about! First off, it’s on the gamecube which is already a red flag to not bother with, second, the music is a huge turn off, and 3….

Even Ash hates him!

Fuck Billy Hatcher. It’s a good thing he doesn’t do anything in a race. He sucks even in the hands of the CPU!

The gameplay of “drifting to boost” actually works quite well. If you’re good enough, you can drift anywhere without slamming into walls and giving yourself infinite boosts on the track. I have to admit, I felt like I was playing the Sega version of Fast and Furious, Tokyo Drift when using BD Joe on Rokkaku Hill (Jet Set Radio). The items are the basic things you see in many mascot racing games, so no high expectations for originality. Hell, even the announcer is enjoyable to listen to, and makes the races more lively. If it gets boring, he will literally let you know he’s bored as hell! He’ll bitch until something happens. How many video game announcers do you know will actually bitch you out for not giving him a show?

The downside is that many courses are just the “Act 1, Act 2, Act 3” set ups. IE, there are 3 Seaside Hill courses, 3 Samba De Amigo courses, etc. So there isn’t a whole lot of variation between the courses. The Monkey Ball and Jet Set stages feel different enough from each other at least, but aside from those, you’re not gonna feel like playing certain stages because they don’t vary enough. Hell, we get 9 Sonic stages alone! We need more exposure from other Sega games.  Overall though, the game is quite fun (but multiplayer is where it’s at, so make sure you have a buddy on board). If you need a substitute for Mario Kart, this is it.

#2! Super Monkey Ball: Banana Blitz

I wish Aipom was in the game.

The name is awful, and more Wii motion gimmicks! YARRRRRG!

Reading certain reviews, it seemed like Monkey Ball on Wii is the most awful damned thing in the world. It’s quite the opposite. If you’re a fan of Marble Madness or the Monkey Ball games in general, the conversion from an analog stick to motion controls is seemless. While having the inability to control the game holding the Wiimote sideways pissed me off beyond belief, the game controls very well. So the controls are damn near invisible. The game itself is probably the hardest I’ve played in a while. The motion controls actually helped to alleviate the difficulty of tilting the ball from doom. The only problem is that Sea became a little too sadistic. Many stages will probably give you a heart attack from high blood pressure. The very first stage from world 7 left me speechless. It was ridiculous! Why didn’t I watch this video prior to this stage!?

The minigames….. yeah, those do suck. Not all of them, there’s like 50 of these things. I did like the boxing and baseball games, but the minigame section is like the entirety of the Wii library! You literally have to search some more! From what I recalled, this game got bad press for controls and minigames alone. Though I honestly believe it’s the difficulty of the game that’s turned them off. And I can’t blame them, holy fucking shit! See, this is what Monster Hunter difficulty should be like. You actually WANT to keep going despite how much your ass gets kicked! Sega is sadistic, but in a good way. Capcom just fucks up on difficulty alone.

#3! Sin and Punishment: Star Successor

Sometimes, the hardcore are actually right.

Rail shooters were starting to get a bad rep on the Wii because the console was flooded with them during the mid years of the console’s lifespan. I assume it has nothing to do with Sin and Punishment’s reception, but seeing how motherfucking good it is, I can assume the hardcore aren’t always that stupid. The Sin and Punishment games are rail shooters with a nice twist. It’s not in first person. You actually need to control a character, manvuer around bullets, deflect missiles back enemies (or whereever you’re pointing at), etc. If you needed an arcade experience, this game has it. The first game was on the N64 with incredibly shitty controls, making the game more difficult than it needed to be. So this game, using the pointer, has much better controls. The difficulty hasn’t changed one bit. If you needed a good ass kicking, this is it. By it’s nature, the game is short by 7 stages, you have 2 characters with drastic gameplay changes (one has basic shooting while the other locks on to enemies). This game gives you the ability to hover in the air, so avoid bullets and enemies are slightly easier, but you need some real good coordination to shoot as well as avoid attacks. It’s not quite like rubbing your tummy and patting your head, but it’s close enough to the level of concentration you’ll if you’re thinking about playing on hard mode.

I don’t need to praise this game enough. The fact that it’s made by Treasure alone speaks volumes.

#4! Resident Evil: The Darkside Chronicles

I’m serious.

No really. Rail shooters have gotten a bad rep. And this game is a primary example. You see, it was made during Capcom’s false promises of Wii owners hoping to get an RE5 port. Instead, they got another light gun game. So the Wii owners shat all over this title and Capcom “quits the Wii” over it. It’s a shame, really, this game is a huge improvement over the first rail shooter, umboredom chronicles…. despite the rampant amount of cutscenes. The game does have the unfortunate element of playing more like a movie than a game as there are any moments where you will take a break from shooting everything to watch the characters talk shit. Of course, this actually adds an element of tension itself because you really don’t know if something is going to pop out at you during the shit talking. So you’re literally put into a movie like setting where shit just pops out. It’s one of the scariest rail shooters on the market, but people for some reason turn their noses up at “pop up” scares like their nerves are that impervious to some unexpected shit happening. Gameplay wise, the guns will actually HURT something in this game. Ammo starvation is present meaning you have to make every shot count, as the Resident Evil series is known for. Of course, anyone can stick to using the inf. pistol, but eh. Health is no longer shared, making it easier to manage between 2 players, but you won’t know whether you or player 2 will take damage.

AMMO is shared for some stupid reason, which makes both players very angry and stingy. The shaky cam isn’t too intrusive, but headshots are quite useless. Aside from those issues, the game is quite fun. The scares and reactions from the characters alone make the game enjoyable. Plus, I know all you Resident Evil fans bitched and moaned about wanting Claire back. Merry fucking Christmas.

#5! Samurai Warriors 3

Dynasty Warriors in Japanese

BLAH GENERIC HACK IN SLASH WITH MILLION ENEMIES! I’ve heard it all through out the course of the Dynasty Warriors series. I never understood the logic that ass must be kicked in several different ways just for the game to feel like it’s worth your time despite that people will pick a shotoclone and abuse them over and over again in fighters. If you are obsessed with having the most content, this game alone will do it for you. You have over 30 characters at your disposal, NONE OF WHICH ARE CLONES! Every fighter has a unique style that is practical for the sake of whippin ass. While the general story mode for all characters goes up to 5 stages, you have a total of 38. So you have like a million characters, and a million stages :P. You also have a freeplay mode, historical mode (which gives you the actual story of every character), murasame castle (based off of an old Nintendo game, included with Takamaru, an actual Nintendo character(!)) not to mention….. a create a character mode. If 30+ characters wasnt enough for you, you can make your own damn characters using whatever styles you choose. Clothing is limited, but that aside, they’re mostly there to fit the setting of the game. Honestly, this game will leave you playing for a looooong time. If you just want a game to beat insane ass, you can’t go wrong here. Just be aware that the stages have their own missions and secrets. It’s not just mindless button mashing, you actually need to focus on certain objectives, keep people alive, kill 3 of such and such, race to a particular spot in time, etc. And best of all, none of this truly gets in the way of the actual ass beating.

I was a bit put off by the low frame rate considering the PS2 games could go up to 60 frames. What’s with the half assed effort? If you’re into graphics, the game does look cheap so you’ll be disappointed. But otherwise, it’s a great game for people who just want to beat ass.

#6! Sengoku Basara: Samurai Heroes

Then Samurai warriors gets pwn’t.. sort of.

Wow, why do games that start with the letter “S” kick so much ass? Anywho, if Samurai Warriors doesn’t do it for yah, then there’s this game. I’ve heard the claims of “repetition” plenty. But like I said, if all you want to do is beat ass, then there is no way in hell you could go wrong here. This game gets compared obsessively to Samurai Warriors by the hardcore, but is just as despised. While I agree it is a PISS EASY game given every character you use is overpowered as shit, that’s the idea. If you thought GOW was obnoxious, you haven’t played this title. One of the annoying things in this title is that every character will not shut the fuck up. They either bitch and moan about dying or something else that Capcom thought was “funny”. The content in this game is less so than Samurai Warriors 3. You have only 16 characters but the same exact number of stages almost. The story modes are longer and much more enjoyable, but overall, the gameplay is less about missions combined with beating ass… and is just about beating ass. And taking enemy camps. But mostly ass beating. So if Samurai Warriors didn’t fulfill your needs, then Sengoku is a nice substitute. Did I mention the ass beatings?

#7! New Super Mario Bros. Wii

Hehe

I know what you’re thinking. “This game got excellent awards and sales! How could you say it got bad press!?”. Go to gamefaqs, Neogaf or w/e and dare to suggest that this game is the best Mario game on Wii. I dare you. Believe me when I say the hardcore will NEVER admit this game is the shit. The second best selling Wii game behind Mario Kart Wii, it cannot be denied.

I was gonna list the Trauma Series, but it seems kinda pointless at this point. No one seems to care about those games, but I will say that New Blood was the best in the series. Trauma Team, while interesting, had an annoying cast of characters who all feel as though they were ripped straight out of an anime series. Plus, not a lot of the new mechanics worked well…… like at all. But hey, you get to open up a white bitch’s blouse and steth… for all you fetishists out there. 😛

So yeah, don’t take my word on it. These are some of the few titles on the system I would say are worth owning more so than what the hardcore recommends. If you’re in need of some Wii titles, don’t be discouraged by what the forums say. The Amazon reviews are a helluva lot more honest and truthful than most. They’re actually written by several more demographics than usual so you can gain a much broader view of what the game’s qualities are.

Here’s also… a few honorable mentions. These games didn’t necessarily get bad press, but they’re just as good, even if they didn’t sell.

Muramasa

Castle of Shikigami (if you need a new take on shmups… or you are a masochist)

Kirby Return to Dreamland.

Castlevania Judgment (your call, really. I liked it for what it was, but it REALLY needed some improvement… badly)

Klonoa

Tatsunoko vs Capcom

Bomberman Blast

Pokemon Rumble.

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