The biggest clusterfuck of the century.

For years and years, those lovely geniuses at Nintendo didn’t care about a little thing called continuity. And why should they? If they can crank out lovely well-crafted stories about a once silent white woman who now cares about pleasing a guy called “ADAM”, we shouldn’t ever want them to care either.

The Zelda franchise is a series of games that have no real continuity whatsoever. Every game in the series has such disconnected stories, it’s hard to take any of it into serious consideration. But it was fun for Zelda fans to try and connect all the dots. This is the magic of entertainment. It left us to do all the piecing together, while the developers create more products for us to dive into our own imaginations. But, like all hardcore, the Zelda fanboys ruined everything and decided to go to war on the internet over theories being “correct”. It wasn’t enough to just come up with your own theory and leave it at that, but the elitist jackasses on the forums didn’t give a fuck about “imaginations”. Imagination was for pussies. Having the CORRECT imagination made you a man.
There was even a youtube video of a guy named “Ocarinahero10” who literally wanted to petition to make an official timeline when he emailed Nintendo and was told exactly what was the truth. “There was no timeline”. He freaked the fuck out over it. All those years  of not chasing tang had left his world shattered. There just HAD to be an official timeline! His pride and ego would not allow all of his had work of using his imagination to go to waste! Because having no timeline would invalidate his sense of self-worth in life. So he gathered around some fans…. just to get a timeline.

Merry fucking christmas, hero of musical flutes

Feast your eyes on Yurugu’s mistake! Out of fear of the insanity of the Zelda fanbase, Nintendo caved in and ruined what was considered a fun hobby for us real Zelda fans and decided to give them the holy bible of Hyrule! Released in 2012 (convenient year to give this fanbase religion, no?), the fanbase went into a frenzy. Not exactly a war, but a celebration! This is mainly because most of the fan theories that had been shat out of an ass… was mutated into this timeline.

Damn near everything the fans came up with, word for word, was copied and pasted into this book just to give them an aphrodisiac. Hardcore gamers have huge egos. Good developers know how to stroke them if they want to stay on their good sides. Nintendo “saving” Bayonetta is a good way to get on their good sides (even though it will fail). So now everyone is happy with this split timeline nonsense. Not to mention a 3rd timeline which is based on Link getting his ass beat by Ganon at the end of OoT.

He should’ve listened to that fairy.

Lets rundown the timeline

1. Skyward Sword is the beginning, which explains why Link is a total pussy.

2. Minish Cap is next. I guess Link and Zelda had children or… something.

3. Four Swords….. wha?

4. Fanboy Wet Dream Ocarina of Time.


5. Child Timleline. Includes Majora’s Mask and Twilight Princess.

6. Adult Timeline. Includes all the toony shit that killed the series.

7. Failure Timeline. Includes all of the 2D games not produced by Aonuma

Notice that? Aonuma conveniently made a 3rd timeline to express his contempt for games he himself is shit at.

Your rewards are PUZZLES! AONUMA STYLE!

Fuck this timeline. Now the fanbase has a nice new cleaver of elitism. Since this is originally the fanbase’s work officially plagiarized, the fanbase’s E-Peen is now in a state of constant orgasmic charges. As such, it’s quite sensitive to criticism and must be defended at all costs. DO NOT QUESTION this timeline! EVER! Lest you wish to feel the fucking fury of being labeld a simpleton who can’t understand “simple storyline concepts”. It’s simple enough to understand this is something YOU came up with, and can’t ever be arsed to admit that, because now it’s been made official. Why give a fuck?

What was the point of this timeline? It couldn’t have been to make the tiny minority of Zelda fans who give 2 fractions of a fuck about…. happy. How about focusing on making a GOOD Zelda game  instead of adding Four Swords spinoffs into the equation of official status. Tell me where did Link get Epona from in a Link to the Past to the Oracle games?  Why is Twinrova alive? Why is Minish Cap a part of the timeline when it has very little relevance in the series overall? Why make a split timeline period? Nintendo was not using their brains in the whole matter of creating this shitty book.

But of course, I will be wrong! Nintendo said it is official, therefore it holds true! Yet the same assholes won’t admit that Samus is a pussy who can’t face Ridly even though the bitch fought him like 5 times in a row prior to Other M.

If this isn’t the real Samus, then Aonuma’s timeline isn’t the real timeline.

Zelda fans are in the same boat as any hardcore gamer. They take what the developers say as the gospel. Their words are absolute and anyone that says otherwise must be silenced. The developers are a renegade priesthood that must never be defied.  If you choose to do so, you must be destroyed. As a result, this timeline will get much love regardless of how shitty it is. It must be nice to be a Zelda fan. Oblivious to any objective view to something called “quality”. Looking at the LACK of an objective view for how terrible Skyward Sword really is, I can assume they are as blind as that thief in a Link to the past.

If naivete were a disability, the Zelda fanbase would get a full pension.